In 1973, Blade was created by writer Marv Wolfman and artist Gene Colan for Marvel Comics as a supporting character in The Tomb of Dracula. He earned his first solo story in 1974. Since then, the character has appeared in comics, film, television, anime, video games, as action figures, and is still cosplayed at Comic Cons everywhere. UGO Networks placed Blade as one of the top heroes of entertainment noting that "Blade has to get props for being the most obscure Marvel character to ever get a film deal.” Will this 1998 film live up to its Blade predecessors? Will Wesley Snipes be able to breathe life into this iconic character? The Nanobots are ready to answer these and other fine questions as we look at the first of the three-film series, Blade.
- We begin with a flashback to the not-so-auspicious birth of our hero. Who’s a pwecious wittle vampire-human hybrid? You are! Squeeeeeeeeeee!= +15pts.
- Present day and Traci Lords is taking us to a sexy, secret rave mysteriously hidden behind a meat packing plant.= +40pts. (This is gonna be cool, right?)
- …which turns into a scary vampire blood-rave. = -15pts. (Not cool! Not cool!)
- …which turns into an even scarier vampire blood-rave massacre. = +10pts. (Back to cool again!)
- Cops show up and break up the vampire blood-rave massacre because…wait, who called them? “911. What is your emergency?” “Oh my Blood God, it’s the Daywalker! He’s got garlic and UV light and this terrifying boomerang blade-thing. Hurry!”= -14pts.
- You gotta love a hero that gives himself the “Yes!” fist pump after he makes a great shot.= +7pts.
- The cops that break up the vampire blood-rave massacre must be the normal first responders and not on the vampire payroll, because they end up taking a charred and crispy Donal Logue to the Morgue where he can mix it up with regular folks.= -8pts.
- Blade shows up at the hospital to finish off Donal Logue even though he totally could have done that at the rave and saved himself the trouble of finding another parking space.= -6pts.
- Police officers shoot Blade in the chest 4 times and all they get for their trouble is, “Motherfucker, are you out your damn mind?” Blade, he’s one bad mother… “Shut your mouth!” I’m just talkin’ ‘bout Blade!= +16pts.
- Donal Logue bites a doctor (a hematologist, as luck would have it!) Blade attempts to carry her to safety and the police still shoot at them! Steve Guttenberg was a better cop. = -9pts.
- The Dodge Charger – proudly serving Hollywood’s leading men since 1968.= +25pts.
- Kris Kristofferson plays Blade’s human vampire-hunting sidekick, Whistler. Art-history buffs can make up their own joke about his mother. = score this one yourself based on how clever you think your joke was.
- Photos of the vampire blood-rave massacre end up in the hands of some sort of vampire Board of Directors. Udo Kier is The Chairman, the American is Dino, and Deacon Frost is totally Peter Lawford.= +12pts
- Blade: dabbler in Buddhism, Ikebana, meditation, smelting, heavy weapons and weird, anti-eating-people serums.= +27pts.
- The vampire archives are located underneath a Japanese social club complete with female entertainers on stage dressed as school girls. We kinda prefer the meat packing plant.= -18pts.
- Pearl, the Jabba the Hutt of the Underdark. Oh, this? It’s just baby fat. Because she eats babies.= +15pts.
- This room contains the ancient pages of The Book of Erebus, the entire vampire history, suspended in panes of glass. Perfect place for a Kung Fu fight!= +20pts.
- All it takes to keep a vampire from exploding in the sun is sunblock? All these years, vampires have been a bunch of bitchy little girls.= -5pts.
- The people of Los Angeles are hard. Deacon Frost throws a little girl in front of a bus and the bus doesn’t even try to avoid her. Hell, it doesn’t even slow down after the world’s burliest ninja leaps in front of said bus and hurls the kid out of the way. I guess in L.A., this is just Tuesday.= -12pts.
- Something very, very bad happens to Whistler. Kinda ashamed of yourself for that joke you made about his mother earlier, aren’t you? = No Score; you just sit and think about what you did.
- This room contains nothing but water features and glass. Since we already did a Kung Fu fight, how about a gunfight?= +20pts.
- Our friend, the hematologist, develops a new serum that turns vampires into exploding stuffed peppers, only gooey-er . Take that, suckheads!= +30pts.
- Blade meets his mom for the first time. We haven’t been this uncomfortable watching a family gathering since we saw A Charlie Sheen Christmas on Lifetime.= -20pts.
- Hey, Deacon, come here for a sec. Look, if vampires are at the top of the food chain and you raise La Magra, The Blood God, who will turn all the living into the undead, what are you gonna eat, bro? I’m just trying to help you out here. = -25pts.
- You know you are participating in a seriously fucked-up ritual when your skeleton frees itself from your body. Damn. = +19pts.
- The hematologist develops a potential cure for Blade! He will no longer thirst for human blood, but he will also lose his vampire strength and ability to regenerate. Um, maybe later. These vampire minions aren’t going to kill themselves.= +25pts.
- Blade, facing no other choice and in a severely weakened state, partakes of human blood, making him go into a blood-rage. Why on Earth would all the vampire minions throw themselves at him just to get kicked in the nuts so hard they go through a wall?= +30pts.
- During the course of this film, Donal Logue is burned alive, has his right hand amputated, takes a 10 story fall into an ambulance, regrows all his skin and his hand only to take a katana in the leg, a commuter train in the face and to have his right hand amputated again. He is finally spectacularly decapitated. Donal Logue: Undead Pinata.= +32pts.
- Thanks to the vampire-killing serum, La Magra is defeated in a squishy, disgusting bloodsplosion. As Blade says, “Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill.” Right into Blade’s fist.= +40pts.
- Hey, Doc, you keep your cure. I feel a sequel coming on!= +120pts.
Total Score = +371 pts (+/- your Whistler score)
Available on: Netflix, The Blade Trilogy DVD box set, and The Blade Collection (Blu-ray)
15 years after this film’s release, Blade is still gettin’ it done. Fun to watch and a showpiece of exemplary fight choreography, the Nanobots are fully satisfied by this action movie experience. Is the plot a little thin? Sure, but if you are looking for a realistic comic book action movie, we are not sure Hollywood, or anyone else for that matter, can help you.
Score Technician: Stacey Hanlon