Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Merry Christmas to all of the diligent readers of the Progressive Cinema Scorecard, as well as those of you who stumbled upon this by Googling for “sex with chupacabras” (haha - caught ya!). This year, we wrapped the nanobots in garland and mistletoe to gird them from one of the most ridiculed Christmas movies of all time: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

A film on every bottom 100 list you can think of, riffed on by everyone from Svengoolie to MST3K, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is about as schlocky as you can get. But is it really as bad as everyone says it is? We ask this question in the name of science – Christmas science!

• "Hooray for Santa Claus" has to be one of the catchiest songs about Santa Claus ever to be included in a Z-rate Christmas film. = +10pts 
• Despite it being nearly 100 degrees below zero at the North Pole, the news correspondent covering the first telecast of Santa Claus still finds the time to fit in a few cornball jokes before his frostbitten toes snap off like flesh-cicles. = -3pts 
• Santa Claus’s laugh is less the ho-ho-ho of a jolly old elf and more the rum-soaked chuckle of your soused uncle. = -10pts 
• After fumbling over the names of his beloved reindeer, Santa recovers by pointing at the camera and reassuring the viewers at home that the kids remember the damn names. = -20pts 
• Mrs. Claus is so excited to be on TV that she flutters her skirts and titters away like a gibbering schoolgirl. = -5pts 
• “Winky is in charge of our space department.” = +4pts 
• Saying that you were dozing on the job because you forgot how to fall asleep at home and needed to practice is the best worst excuse to cover for workplace ineptitude. = +6pts 
• When the leader of all Mars seeks out the wise man of the forest to figure out how to stop Martian kids from thinking about Santa Claus, the only Martian who suggests that they think for themselves instead is the film’s antagonist. Let that soak in, kids: only bad guys rebel against authority. = -25pts 
• When the wise old space hermit says that Mars needs a Santa Claus so that kids can be kids, the Martians take the wisdom literally and embark on a quest to snatch St. Nick. = -15pts 
• ‘60s alert: liberal use of stock footage to show that important things actually are happening right now. = -6pts 
• Two kids talking about not believing in Martians immediately have laser guns pointed at them by Martians. What are the chances of that? = -4pts 
• The mustachioed “villain” Voldar once again voices his opinion against the “hero” Kimar’s wasteful ideas, this time regarding the use of an assuredly expensive murder-bot to kidnap the Santy Claus. Shouldn’t the villain relish the idea of Santa’s fleshy body being manhandled by the merciless steel of a robot’s claw? The nanobots certainly think so. = -10pts 
• Aww, it’s cute how the kids think that the USA is equipped to pursue the Martian kidnappers to outer space. = +2pts 
• After narrowly escaping the clutches of a crazy person in a polar bear costume, the children are attacked by crazy man in a robot costume. = -5pts 
• Voldar finally does something villainous by commanding the man in the robot costume to crush, kill, and destroy the Earth children. = +4pts 
• Since Kimar anticipated Voldar’s treachery and reprogrammed the robot at some point off-screen, why didn’t he just not bring the robot? Martians are obstinate in really boneheaded ways. = -8pts 
• Watching a robot smash its way into Santa’s workshop as the elves look on in horror. = +11pts 
• Santa disables the robot’s murderometer simply by marveling at the robot’s fine workmanship. = -5pts 
• The Martians kidnap the children so that no one knows who stole Santa, then they leave their robot behind and dozens of witnesses in their wake. Unsurprisingly, the newspaper headlines all read, “Santa kidnapped by Martians!” = -30pts 
• The German doctor in charge of this ‘60s universe’s NASA says phooey to testing their space shuttle and astronauts for interplanetary flight – they’ve gotta get Santa back! = -6pts 
• Kids not laughing at Santa’s corny jokes. = +3pts 
• Having “the Christmas Spirit” means following someone who openly hates you into an airlock. = -9pts 
• Awkward Martian fistfight choreography. = -5pts 
• Santa introduces himself to the Martian children by laughing, going from an unsettling chortle to a maddened guffaw. It’s unclear whether the children join in genuinely or because they fear for their very lives. = -12pts 
• Voldar’s big-nosed henchman either suffers from tardive dyskinesia or is straight-up fiending. = -3pts 
• If Mars had the capability to build a machine to make an infinite number of toys at the push of a button, why did they kidnap Santa in the first place? The plot is falling apart faster than the USA’s pursuit rocket to Mars. = -22pts 
• After Santa body-shames Dropo for not being fat enough to fit into his jacket, the inept manservant binges on dessert pills, puts a pillow down his shirt, and sings Christmas carols in an attempt to hold back the tears from not living up to his idol’s expectations. = -6pts 
• Watching Voldar devolve from a war-hungry council leader with no qualms murdering children to a bumbling buffoon who can’t tell the difference between the real Santa and Dropo in a fake beard. = -13pts 
• Another scene of a character not laughing at Santa’s corny jokes. = +3pts 
• Foiling Voldar’s plan to kill Santa by gleefully attacking the villain with bubbles and toys. = -7pts 
• After appointing Dropo (who was referred to earlier in the film as the “laziest man on Mars”) as Martian Santa, Ol’ St. Nick and the kids dash away back to Earth in a rocket that one of them apparently knows how to pilot safely. = -9pts 
• Including a sing-a-long to "Hooray for Santa Claus" after the credits. = +5pts

Total Score: -190pts
Availability: Netflix, YouTube, and in novelized form

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians was most assuredly a bad movie. But one of the worst? It’s certainly one of the worst portrayals of Santa Claus. Being a creepy, child-endangering half-wit isn’t what people look for in a Santa – especially not when he’s the titular character of the film.

The movie certainly teaches terrible lessons to kids. Capture-bonding, following orders even when their mental faculties are in question, not running away from approaching robots – these shameful behaviors are all showcased predominantly in the film.

The film is also insulting to anyone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas. All Mars needed to be happy was the magic of Christmas – take that, Chanukah!

While Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is fantastically entertaining for all the wrong reasons, it’s definitely not one of the worst movies ever. It’s still pretty bad, though. Hopefully Santa leaves this scorecard under your tree so that you too can sing, “Hooray for Santy Claus!”

Score Technician: T.J. Geise

Star Wars Holiday Special

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It's that special time of year again, scorehards. Snow is falling, the colored lights are in shop window displays, and Black Friday body counts have long been finalized: we are in the thick of the Christmas season. What better time than now to turn our attentions to the Star Wars Holiday Special?

Originally broadcast in 1978 to a scathing critical and audience reception, the two-hour television special was largely forgotten for decades, only re-emerging into the popular consciousness thanks to the cruel and unfailing memory of the Internet. The SWHS was your typical '70s TV variety show, only set in the fertile soil of the barely one-year-old Star Wars universe, and featuring just about everyone who mattered from the original cast. The results are... well... maybe you should just read ahead and let the nanobots break it down for you. But you'll see that there's a reason why George Lucas (the guy who thought "midichlorians" were a sensible addition to the Star Wars canon) has done everything in his power to bury this thing.

• The picture quality on our copy of the special is everything you'd expect from a nigh-40-year-old program that was digitally transferred from a chewed up VHS cassette. = -19pts 
• Han struggles to break through an imperial blockade in order to get Chewie back to his home planet Kashyyyk (for some reason referred to as "Kazook" here) so he can celebrate Life Day with his family. As long as it still involves a fat man in a red suit climbing down chimneys with a sack full of toys, we're into it. = +3pts 
• We are introduced to Chewbacca's horrifying family in the credit sequence:
  
  Chewie's father, Itchy...
  

  

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  His wife, Malla...
  

  

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  And their son, Lumpy
  

  

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  Unfortunately, due to budgetary constraints, his brother Scabby and cousin Gurgly had to be cut from the script. = -30pts
• Other notable guests: Bea Arthur, Jefferson Starship, and Hedley Lamar from Blazing Saddles. = +20pts 
• Holy shit, is that Boba Fett in the animated segment that they're teasing? = +80pts 
• Following the opening credits, we are greeted by a tender scene in the Chewbacca household (sans the head of house) that's devoid of any human dialogue, and which goes on for what feels like 47 hours. = -28pts 
• It's like they tried a little too hard to humanize these Wookies. There's something comfortingly blank about Chewbacca's features that mark him as both alien and relatable, but there's a weird uncanny valley thing happening with Malla, Itchy, and Lumpy that, combined with domestic setting, makes us feel like we're watching the rabbit sitcom from Inland Empire. = -11pts 
• But Malla is a little chunky, which is admirable considering that, were this special to be remade today, she would most assuredly played by a size-zero swimsuit model with huge fake boobs. = +7pts 
• Why is there a snack dish out on the kitchen table if no one is allowed to snack on its contents? = -2pts 
• The 47-hour domestic scene is, at last, broken up by a holographic acrobatics show. This does not exactly count as an improvement. = -13pts 
• Concerned that Chewie has not come home yet, Malla calls up Luke and R2 to ask for his whereabouts, thus continuing the program's motif of never having more than one character in any scene speaking a human language. = -4pts 
• By the way, looks like Luke got a new haircut/unnerving, dead-eyed glare since A New Hope wrapped. = -6pts

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• The only thing creepier than Luke trying to coax a smile out of Malla is the sight of her actually doing it. = -15pts 
• The conversation with Luke ends abruptly when R2 ruptures something on the X-Wing the two of them were repairing and Luke gets enveloped in a cloud of steam and (presumably) scalded to death. = +4pts 
• Why would an imperial naval trooper be responsible for inspecting Saun Dann's curio shop? = -3pts 
• In his first of many roles in the special, Hedley Lamar plays a four-armed alien version of Julia Child. = +10pts 
• ...In blackface. = -40pts 

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• Vader gets about 18 seconds of screen time. = -14pts 
• Saun Dann,beleaguered shopkeeper/rebel symph, shows up at Chewie's house with Life Day presents for the whole family, then asks Malla, "What does an old friend get?" Is this holiday special about to take an unsavory turn as we find out how Malla has been making ends meet while her husband gallivants across the universe with his...ahem..."partner?" = -16pts 
• Saun Dann presents Itchy with a machine that visualizes his sexual fantasies. There's a whole lot that we don't understand about Wookie culture. = +12pts 
• Looks like Itchy has a fetish for human women. = -18pts 
• By the way, absolutely everything about Diahann Carroll's spoken intro to her song is designed to make your skin crawl at a cellular level. = -25pts 
• For not cutting back to a scene of Grandpa Itchy furiously masturbating in the living room while plugged into his porno chair. = -33pts (Go big or go home.) 
• The appearance of the storm troopers at the Wookie family's front door sends this special into Sound of Music territory, with potential to veer straight into Inglorious Basterds. = +7pts 
• The frontman of holographic Jefferson Starship looks like he's singing into a radioactive dildo. = +5pts 
• To distract himself from the storm troopers tearing his bedroom apart upstairs, Lumpy sits down to watch a cartoon about his dad. It's worth pointing out that this animated feature is, hands-down, the only halfway watchable thing in this entire special up until now. = +12pts

• When did Dr. Eggman join the Rebel Alliance? = -4pts 
• Boba Fett saves Luke Skywalker's life by tasing a sea serpent, while sitting astride a different sea serpent. = +50pts 
• Boba Fett, upon being discovered as an Imperial spy, flies off in his jetpack. Of course, if he was wearing a working jet pack the whole time, one wonders why he bothered scaling the cliff wall earlier in the featurette. = -3pts 
• Also, there is something seriously wrong with Han's face. = -8pts

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• Hedley Lamar shows up in his second role as a malfunctioning cyborg delivering an instructional video. It's every bit as funny as it sounds. = -22pts 
• Whoa! We're back on the Mos Eisley Cantina! = +10pts 
• And Bea Arthur is the bartender! = = +15pts 
• ...But unfortunately, here comes Hedley Lamar in his third role as a stalker-alien who consumes liquid by pouring it into a hole on the top of his head. = - 35pts 
• Bea Arthur chases all the alien patrons out with a song set to the tune of the "Cantina Band Theme." = +13pts 
• ...Only to find that she's alone in the bar with stalker Hedley Lamar. Weeks later, some storm troopers were probably called out to a remote location in the desert to investigate a moisture farmer's report that his bantha came back chewing on what appeared to be a human femur. = -26pts 
• Lumpy tricks the imperial forces into abandoning their post, except for one storm trooper, who will undoubtedly learn a lesson about the true spirit of Life Day. = +2pts 
• Wait, never mind, Han and Chewie show up and throw him off a cliff while he emits a Wilhelm scream. = +8pts 
• I guess we can just take on faith that no one from the Empire is going to come back to investigate the last place the storm trooper was stationed before he mysteriously went missing? = -6pts 
• Is it just us, or was there a sexually charged moment that passed between Han and Malla? = +3pts 
• Your guess is as good as ours as to what's going on here. = -17pts

• How did all of the main characters end up in the same place? = -9pts 
• Princess Leia takes us home with a heartwarming rendition of our favorite Life Day carol. = +2pts 
• Chewie reflects on all his fond memories from Episode IV, making the fatal mistake of reminding the audience of what they'd rather be watching. = -21pts

Total Score = -163pts
Available on: Just Pirate Bay, for the foreseeable future; there's not enough CGI in the world for Lucas to retcon this mess into working order

So, yeah, obviously this was one of the most ill-conceived moments in television history, but can we talk more about the Boba Fett thing? This was two years before Empire came out, making it the first appearance by the beloved bounty hunter. It's also notable because, if you add it to the canon, it pretty much triples the amount of spoken dialogue that Boba Fett gets in the original films. Seeing him rendered in the quirky style of Nelvana Ltd. (who also brought us the Droids and Ewoks animated series in the '80s) almost made up for the rest of the special, which combined miserable storytelling, the worst of '70s MOR, and cringe-worthy comedy routines into a hellish cocktail of nostalgia-destroying horror. It's not hard to see why Lucas wanted this locked in a lead-lined vault as soon as it saw the light of day; had it been widely circulated, there's a good chance it could have snuffed out the fledgling franchise before it even had a chance to breathe.

Looking back from the 21st century, though, it makes less sense to continue hiding it. After all, it's still a hell of a lot more fun to watch than Episode I.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

The Flash/Arrow (Occulus Crossovercus Spectaculus!)

If there is anything the Marvel movies (particularly The Avengers) taught us, it's that comic fandom's geekgasm is particularly hair trigger when two of their favorite superheroes show up together in the same frame. Rather than ask for a coherent synopsis, it's often better to simply call an ambulance and a truck full of Gatorade because most comic geeks won't be able to talk, much less recite the names of key creators or storylines of their favorite comics when recovering from the image of actually watching Hero A shoot Hero B in the back with arrows, or speak intelligently at all about how cool it was to watch Hero B pummel Hero A at supersonic speed. (Note: We have changed the names of the heroes in the previous sentence in order to protect the scientific validity of the nanobots calculations.)

In fact, it would be nice if Hollywood treated such events with more care, and not less. (See Fox/WB plans for almost their entire superhero slate of movies.) Everybody knows that prolonged explosive geekgasms are a public health issue. So, in an effort to assist in this epidemic, the Scorecard has turned this unprecedented television event over to the nanobots to properly score. (Note: This issue hit us particularly close to home recently, as the deciphered notes of our technicians for this scorecard simply seemed to be a delirious scrawl featuring the phrase, "ERRRMAGAHHHHHHHD..........." The less said about the amount of bodily fluids present the better.) This was a two-parter, so let's start with:

Round Flash:

• Using your super powers to micromanage the citizens of your city who seem to be doing fine. = -2pts
• Meet your supervillain for this episode, Captain Duckface. Careful, he's contageous! =  -3pts
• Nothing clears your head quite like failing to murder someone. The police should try this. = +5pts
• Welcome to the newest member of the popular Hollywood trope: gay police captain! This one eats burgers at work in order to escape his wife's nagging him to "eat healthy." Wait, did we say wife? We meant boyfriend. Boy, swapping out gender pronouns sure makes everything confusing! Wait, should we have started that last sentence with "girl." Obama's America is so confusing! = (In 1940, the year The Flash first appeared in comics. = -A human life; In 2014, the year of the gay police captain on TV. = +10pts) Net score: +10pts (and a life!)
• Iris' cop boyfriend: "Hey, sweety! *Kiss, Kiss* Look, I just pitched our newly gay Captain on the idea of launching a task force that will hopefully track down and destroy this thing you tied your entire life/blog to. I hope this isn't going to be a problem between us. *Kiss, Kiss* Want to grab a coffee?" = +4pts (For giving new meaning to the term cognitive dissonance.)
• Using your superhero alter-ego to skeeze on someone who doesn't like you that way. = -4pts
• I see your supersonic speed, now watch me climb this wall out of frame! = +7pts (For pure existential chutzpah.)
• Diggle's appropriate reactions to seeing someone move at super speeds. = +5pts
• Iris realizes what regular watchers of Arrow have known for three years: Oliver Queen is hot. = +2pts
• "We can talk about you giving your enemies silly code names later." Burn! Proof that The Flash may be able to outrun a bullet, but he can still be stopped cold with a well-placed witty retort. = +5pts
• Shooting your friend in the back with arrows in order to prove a point. = +6pts
• Callously pulling them out because you heard a rumor the shot person heals quickly. = +3pts
• Hm, Prism's powers apparently involve manipulations of all the colors of the rainbow. Hm, on the same day the captain mysteriously forces a mention of his boyfriend into a conversation about why he loves fast food burger? We call shenanigans. = +2pts (Because we love shenanigans.)
• Getting into a fistfight with the fastest man alive. = +25pts (Because, along with pegging, it is the one thing every man should do once.)

Round Flash Score: +70pts

We'd love to wrap this up, but something's telling me we gotta run.... (WINK FACE!)

Score technician: Sean McConnell

Round Arrow

During the second part of the highly anticipated DC TV CW crossover event, Arrow and Flash teamed up to work together on stopping a mass murdering boomerang wielding super villain from destroying the city and killing Diggle’s not wife...girlfriend?... lady, person?… This episode focused more on the two DC legends working together, and continued the streak of not suckage! Let’s gear up those nanobots! 

• The murderer’s house is rigged with explosives. What’s the worst that could happen? Blow it up and open the episode with an explosion? = +5pts.
• The murderer’s gone, and ARGUS comes by to tell them to stay out of it. They’re super serious this time! = +3pts
• Flashback time! Waller tells Oliver to nut up or shut up about little things like torture. (Fun fact: The CIA saw this episode, and started kicking themselves for not thinking of this first.) = -4pts.
• Cisco and Kaitlyn drop on over to pick up the analysis of Canary’s murder, and to see the Arrow Cave. Because, team Arrow's bread and butter nowadays is giving out admission to their headquarters. = +6pts. (Note: Fuck Colton Haynes for stealing our joke before this scorecard could get published! Double Note: Please don’t hate us we love you!)
• Cisco gives out some ideas about improvements for the Arrow suits. The nanobots are worried about the day he drops by with feathered hats and red gloves, but Stephen Amell could probably pull it off. = +3pts
• Dozens of highly trained ARGUS agents are taken down by a Crocodile Dundee armed with a couple of metal boomerangs… It’s a sad day for national security = -3pts.
• Captain Boomerang has Diggle and Lyla cornered, but help arrives in the form of an Arrow and a Flash! = +15pts
• The fact that Barry needs to be reminded about keeping a secret identity is a bad sign for his future as a superhero. = -3pts.
• Through techno babble The Flash and Arrow head to where one of Captain Boomerang’s associates is. The Flash tries to act tough, but Arrow ends shooting him to get the info out. = +2pts (For getting the job done.)
• Barry shows concern and fear about Oliver’s methods. Oliver tries to justify it with his super awful pain he’s had to go through. Um, Oliver, you’ve got some issues dude. =-4pts
• Flashback time! Young Oliver was no Jack Bauer. But, still demonstrates more personality then Kiefer Sutherland ever did. =+3pts
• Flashback time! The bomb goes off, and Amanda Waller is pissed! That’s going to be an awkward subject during his performance review. = -2pts
• Cisco brings up a thought about how Metahumans and super powers were created in this world to deal with crazy people. Man imagine how Zero Dark Thirty could have gone if Batman was on the case! = +4pts
• The “not his wife” joke is getting stale.  = -4pts.
• The Flash taking up all the cool fight scenes! = -3pts.
• Captain Boomerang tricks the gang, and puts Lyla in the hospital! Dramatic twist! = +3pts
• Arrow feels all mopey about how his methods put someone he cares about in the hospital. The traditional dramatic CW stare off to space ensues. = +4pts.
• Hit on a vigilante’s sister, and another vigilante’s ex girlfriend. Not the smartest idea there Cisco. = +2pts.
• Arrow and Flash go to the train station to fight Captain Boomerang! Epic hand-to-hand combat! = +10pts.
• Staging the most complex bomb defusing ever! = +20pts.
• Captain Boomerang is sharing a cell with Slade Wilson. Everyone is relieved, and Arrow and Flash have a quick showdown to see who’s the best. This is how superhero team ups are supposed to be! = +10pts 

Round Arrow Score = +60pts.
Crossover Total: +130pts

This is how you do an epic awesome cross over event. Two nights in a row, two stories, both awesome, and really utilizing every character as much as possible, both shows continue to be strong and a lot of fun. We can’t wait to see more awesomeness as the series continues!

We can talk about you giving your enemies silly code names later.

Score Technitian: Nick Enquist

American Horror Story: Freak Show, Episode 7 & 8

Two episodes to score this week, so let's get right into it.

Episode 7

• Being from a carnival and promising conjoined twins that your carnival friends can protect them when most of the carnival friends that would be doing the protecting are dead. = -2pts
• Not even trying to find a reason to insert a musical number into your show that is not Glee. = -10pts
• Acting like a smug asshole while another person lies for you. = +4pts
• If you think Vic Mackey is the kind of guy to roll-over and murder one of his own to save face and earn a few bucks, chances are you must have read his diary, because that's exactly the kind of guy he is. = +5pts
• Ah, the '50s! Back when Ma used to keep a handy bottle of chloroform next to the Vic's vapor rub for the days when the ground beef wasn't settling well in the ambrosia salad and patriarchy had broken her spirit. -2pts
• Strong Man < Amazon Woman. = +10pts
• Kathy Bates accent remains immaculate, lived-in, and unbearably annoying. = 0pts (For being the best of both worlds.)
• Jimmy Darling should think of changing his name to Jimmy Ex Machina. = -2pts
• The Toledo Code: The Scorecard's new way of describing something that we've just made up that will likely be discarded in the next scene. = +5pts (Because that's just how we do.)
• Tattooing your daughter's face to prove a point to everyone what a deranged psycho father you are. = -5pts
• Didn't being a carnie used to mean that you were the one good at conning people? I guess that's just another example of the Toledo Code. = +4pts
• Ma Petite is on a rocket ship to that great glass jar of formaldehyde in the sky and she ain't looking back. = -10pts

Episode Score: -8pts

Wait?! YOU MEAN THERE'S MORE!

Episode 8

We here at The Progressive Cinema Scorecard would like to thank you for continuing to read on after last episode. Will things continue to get better or will more beloved characters get killed off?

• Talking to a psychoanalyst about your son’s insanity after he’s already become a serial killer. = -3pts
• Elsa cries over Ma Petite with such sincerity that Ethel accuses her of killing “innocence itself.” = -5pts
• That moment when you realize the leg you just put a bullet through was made of wood. = +6pts
• How Elsa Got Her Groove Back, starring the Axe Man. = +10pts
• Kathy Bates’s Bostidelphamore accent makes her pronunciation of “Ma Petite” sound like “Muppet Teat.” = +2pts
• Elsa is ever determined to prove everyone around her wrong, even the guy who coined the phrase, “Never bring a knife to a gunfight.” = -15pts
• “Went to buy a squash” is white folk lingo meaning that your mother was murdered by a psychopath. = -4pts
• Giving Jimmy a proper chance to mourn his mom without Elsa making it all about her. = +6pts
• Forming a She-Ra Man-Hater’s Club over the grave of your deceased friend (and not ending your meeting by shouting “Girl power!”). = +7pts
• Giving such disturbing answers to psychoanalysis questions that the doctor does little more than fidget nervously with his hands. = +5pts (So metal!)
• Decorating your Christmas tree with the animal skulls as you ask your mother to murder your childhood friend. = +10pts (So fuckin’ metal!)
• While trying to recruit exceptionally voluptuous vixen Barbara as the freak show’s obligatory Fat Lady, Elsa goes straight for the throat with the line, “You have a pretty face,” and then unwraps a Baby Ruth. = -25pts
• Rather than provide actual motherly support to a drunken Jimmy Darling, Elsa suggests he motorboat Barbara instead. = -4pts
• The She-Ra Man-Hater’s Club: fulfilling female revenge fantasies since 1952. = +5pts
• Having your tar-an’-featherin’ ruined by white privilege… again. = -3pts
• In true Frances Conroy fashion, Gloria Mott only takes offense to being called worse than the Roosevelts during Dandy’s tirade about her marrying her own psychopathic cousin just for the money. = +10pts
• Matricide with a solid gold revolver. = +15pts (So precious fuckin’ metal!)
• Rejecting a scrawny prognosticator for the ample bosom of Ima Wiggles. = +12pts
• Bathing in the blood of your murdered mother. = +20pts (So goddamn fuckin’ metal that we had a METALGASM)

Episode Score: +49pts
Season Score: -3pts

Yes… beloved characters were killed off, but not senselessly this time! “Blood Bath” was proof that Freak Show is doing the opposite of what Coven did: it’s actually improving after the Thanksgiving break. There were no useless sideplots this go-round, just character development and game-changing consequences.

The death of two power players (creating a theme that Francis Conroy can’t stay away from Death and that Kathy Bates can’t keep her head) was poignant and visceral. As Jimmy Darling begins to lose his spark and sink into both debauched depression and the love pillows of Elsa’s newest recruit (who we hope will be a positive portrayal of a woman of size in television rather than the curvaceous butt of cruel jokes), his foil Dandy Mott becomes even more dangerous (and kind of badass) now that the silver tether to his mother was shot off with a golden bullet. Can the show keep up this momentum? Given that Neil Patrick Harris has yet to shown up (as Dr. Sugar, we can only hope), our Magic 8 Ball says… “reply hazy, try again.” Well, shit.

Score Technicians: Sean McConnell & TJ Geise

The Walking Dead Season 5, Episode 8

It's not typical for a show to hit its creative stride five seasons into its run, but that appears to be the situation we're in with The Walking Dead. During the previous four seasons, the show has enjoyed occasional flirtations with greatness sprinkled amidst long expanses of nothing much happening and shoddy character development. Season 5 has been tight as a drum, though.

By way of catch-up: Rick's party has been split between Reverend Detective Carver's church, the road to Washington D.C., and the so-called "Slabtown," a small human settlement based out of a hospital in Atlanta. For the past couple of episodes, Rick has been concocting a plan to rescue Beth, and later Carol from the community's clutches. Now, with three Slabtown cops as hostages, the gang is ready to make the big exchange. Let's see what the nanobots have to say about how things went down.

• For being the mid-season finale to the best season of Walking Dead to date. = +70pts (+10pts per episode) 
• Rick exchanges insurance information with the cop he hit with his car. Rick's insurance provider is Smith and Wesson. = +10pts 
• Not content with merely being a cowardly lump with no useful skills, Reverend Detective Carver also decides to lead a herd of walkers back to the church where Carl, Michonne, and Judith are staying. = -7pts 
• Michonne makes Reverend Detective Carver's idiocy worthwhile with her sword-fu. = +7pts 
• The zombie that splits its head open on the Machete stuck in the floor. = +12pts 
• Is Slabtown leader Dawn just super lonely? Why exactly does she feel the need to tell Beth her entire life story? = -4pts 
• Even after the apocalypse, cops are still total assholes. = -25pts 
• The close-quarters fight between Dawn and one of her back-stabbing officers. = +14pts 
• Meeting up with Beth in Carol's room after the fight, Dawn greets her with "It's okay to cry." Is dispensing fortune-cookie wisdom part of her job as community leader? = -2pts 
• Total aside, but how does Tyrese keep his beard so neatly trimmed? Rick looks like he's got a Chia Pet growing out of his face, but Tyrese is all GQ. = -6pts 
• "They're close." = +8pts 
• Prisoner exchange scene is tense as fuck. = +19pts 
• A bunch of white people arguing over who gets to keep the black dude. = -8pts 
• The black dude in question being played by Steve Urkel from that Key and Peele sketch. = +10pts
• In true Beth fashion, Beth totally Beths up the hostage exchange by stabbing Dawn in the clavicle with a pair of scissors and getting herself shot in the head. = -6pts (Maggie is going to be really sad now. WHY DO YOU WANT TO MAKE MAGGIE SAD, BETH?!?) 
• Damn, Morgan, how have you still not caught up with these guys yet? They've been hunkered down in a church for, like seven episodes. = -3pts

Total Score = +16pts
+ Awesome Season Bonus = +136pts
Season Score = +279pts

Not the greatest mid-season finale the show has dropped on us, but a satisfying conclusion to the Slabtown arc. Maybe the biggest breakthrough of this season is that Walking Dead is now successfully mining the morally ambiguous core of its premise, and wringing it for every drop of dramatic tension its worth. Whereas the dilemmas that faced our heroes in previous seasons (The Randall problem of Season 2, The Governor's ultimatum in Season 3) felt a little contrived, the uncertainty surrounding the prisoner exchange felt real, like we were watching two groups of flawed human beings attempting to reach some kind of arrangement, never certain of how much good will they could presume of the other. Let's hope whatever they've got planned for the season's back-half will maintain the momentum of these first eight episodes.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

Arrow, Season 3 (Eps 5-7)

The PCS coverage of CW’s Arrow continues! Origin stories, sidekicks, boxing glove arrows, and gripping whatever CW calls “drama” are all prevalent in the third season of Oliver Queen’s quest to save his city. Let’s hope that this season ends with only minor property damage. Nanobots, draw back your bows and let’s see what you find!

Episode 5

• Triple training montage galore! = +9pts (Because, it’s divisible by three.)
• Flashback showing another attractive actor made ugly with an awful wig. = -3pts (What did they do to you Felicity!)
• The painful “Thea Queen being obnoxious while Oliver is being judgmental” scene is over with early in this episode. = +2pts
• Felicity’s mom has got it going on! =+5pts
• Somehow Diggle is even more badass with a baby hanging on his chest. = +3pts
• New computer-based villain Brother Eye blocks out the city! Arrow and… Roy (we need a name for him) away! = +3pts
• Felicity’s hacktivism days (and former boyfriend) have caught up to her and are taking over. But, Felicity can’t deal with it, because her Mom is so embarrassing you guys! = +1pt
• Felicity and her mom get kidnapped = -6pts (It’d be easier to count the people who haven’t been kidnapped on this show.)
• Yes Roy, it’s pretty awesome you shot a rocket launcher with an arrow, but for Christ’s sake you’re still in a firefight! Keep dodging those bullets! = -3pts
• Felicity and her mom make amends through the ultimate bonding mechanism: A near death experience. = +3pts
• Roy has dreams that (dramatic pause) he killed Sara in the most over the top ridiculous way possible! = -4pts.

Episode 6

• Laurel Lance studying boxing under Ted Grant, who turns out to be a real shitty teacher and sparring partner. = -4pts
• Oliver is against it, because he doesn’t want her to get hurt, but he’s just jealous that Laurel found another Starling City vigilante martial artist who has a similar code of justice. = +3pts
• Add blood testing to the ever-growing list of Felicity’s skills that don’t seem to be useful for a technology expert. = +3pts
• BOXING GLOVE ARROW! = (The nanobots have no way of calculating this level of awesome, so instead they are using emoticons to indicate a well-deserved slow clap.)
• Flashback Ollie learns to channel his inner Sherlock Holmes mind palace through meditation. = +4pts
• Sidekick vengeance against Ted Grant. = +6pts
• Hey, maybe we should find more definitive proof, before we all start confessing to murders. = -8pts
• Sidekick show down! = +8pts
• Oliver shows Roy the same meditation trick, and Roy discovers that last season during his Mirakuru overdose he killed a cop…. Someone probably should have told him that. = -10pts
• Arsenal begins! = +6pts

Episode 7

• Oliver discovers the horrid, disturbing depths of the menace known as “fan girls.” = +4pts
• Ray Palmer shirtless! = +15pts (Extra points added due to lack of shirtlessness in this entire season.)
• Oliver confesses to Cupid during their fight that his life is really lonely as the amazingly attractive leader of a team of equally attractive vigilantes. You don’t want to know his pain. = +3pts
• Give Cupid to the Suicide Squad. What could go wrong? = -4pts
• Diggle tells Ollie what the fans have been demanding for nearly two years now (and what the writers have only just figured out). = -6pts.
• Ollie walks in on Superman returning his lips to Felicity’s… Okay the joke only worked once. = -2pts
• Olicity Smash! = +3pts

Episode(s) score: +31pts
Season Score = +83pts

This season continues to be a lot of fun. Sure it’s silly, and doesn’t make a whole lot of sense from simple story perspectives, but the show continues to have a lot of fun with new villains, new allies, bigger action scenes, and well-timed shirtlessness. Not an easy task. We hope to see much more in the future, and coming up next week, as we take on the epic crossover of Arrow and The Flash.

We can’t wait!

Score Technician: Nick Enquist