Thursday, December 11, 2014

The Flash/Arrow (Occulus Crossovercus Spectaculus!)

If there is anything the Marvel movies (particularly The Avengers) taught us, it's that comic fandom's geekgasm is particularly hair trigger when two of their favorite superheroes show up together in the same frame. Rather than ask for a coherent synopsis, it's often better to simply call an ambulance and a truck full of Gatorade because most comic geeks won't be able to talk, much less recite the names of key creators or storylines of their favorite comics when recovering from the image of actually watching Hero A shoot Hero B in the back with arrows, or speak intelligently at all about how cool it was to watch Hero B pummel Hero A at supersonic speed. (Note: We have changed the names of the heroes in the previous sentence in order to protect the scientific validity of the nanobots calculations.)

In fact, it would be nice if Hollywood treated such events with more care, and not less. (See Fox/WB plans for almost their entire superhero slate of movies.) Everybody knows that prolonged explosive geekgasms are a public health issue. So, in an effort to assist in this epidemic, the Scorecard has turned this unprecedented television event over to the nanobots to properly score. (Note: This issue hit us particularly close to home recently, as the deciphered notes of our technicians for this scorecard simply seemed to be a delirious scrawl featuring the phrase, "ERRRMAGAHHHHHHHD..........." The less said about the amount of bodily fluids present the better.) This was a two-parter, so let's start with:

Round Flash:
  • Using your super powers to micromanage the citizens of your city who seem to be doing fine. = -2pts
  • Meet your supervillain for this episode, Captain Duckface. Careful, he's contageous! =  -3pts
  • Nothing clears your head quite like failing to murder someone. The police should try this. = +5pts
  • Welcome to the newest member of the popular Hollywood trope: gay police captain! This one eats burgers at work in order to escape his wife's nagging him to "eat healthy." Wait, did we say wife? We meant boyfriend. Boy, swapping out gender pronouns sure makes everything confusing! Wait, should we have started that last sentence with "girl." Obama's America is so confusing! = (In 1940, the year The Flash first appeared in comics. = -A human life; In 2014, the year of the gay police captain on TV. = +10pts) Net score: +10pts (and a life!)
  • Iris' cop boyfriend: "Hey, sweety! *Kiss, Kiss* Look, I just pitched our newly gay Captain on the idea of launching a task force that will hopefully track down and destroy this thing you tied your entire life/blog to. I hope this isn't going to be a problem between us. *Kiss, Kiss* Want to grab a coffee?" = +4pts (For giving new meaning to the term cognitive dissonance.)
  • Using your superhero alter-ego to skeeze on someone who doesn't like you that way. = -4pts
  • I see your supersonic speed, now watch me climb this wall out of frame! = +7pts (For pure existential chutzpah.)
  • Diggle's appropriate reactions to seeing someone move at super speeds. = +5pts
  • Iris realizes what regular watchers of Arrow have known for three years: Oliver Queen is hot. = +2pts
  • "We can talk about you giving your enemies silly code names later." Burn! Proof that The Flash may be able to outrun a bullet, but he can still be stopped cold with a well-placed witty retort. = +5pts
  • Shooting your friend in the back with arrows in order to prove a point. = +6pts
  • Callously pulling them out because you heard a rumor the shot person heals quickly. = +3pts
  • Hm, Prism's powers apparently involve manipulations of all the colors of the rainbow. Hm, on the same day the captain mysteriously forces a mention of his boyfriend into a conversation about why he loves fast food burger? We call shenanigans. = +2pts (Because we love shenanigans.)
  • Getting into a fistfight with the fastest man alive. = +25pts (Because, along with pegging, it is the one thing every man should do once.)
Round Flash Score: +70pts

We'd love to wrap this up, but something's telling me we gotta run.... (WINK FACE!)

Score technician: Sean McConnell

Round Arrow

During the second part of the highly anticipated DC TV CW crossover event, Arrow and Flash teamed up to work together on stopping a mass murdering boomerang wielding super villain from destroying the city and killing Diggle’s not wife...girlfriend?... lady, person?… This episode focused more on the two DC legends working together, and continued the streak of not suckage! Let’s gear up those nanobots! 
  • The murderer’s house is rigged with explosives. What’s the worst that could happen? Blow it up and open the episode with an explosion? = +5pts.
  • The murderer’s gone, and ARGUS comes by to tell them to stay out of it. They’re super serious this time! = +3pts
  • Flashback time! Waller tells Oliver to nut up or shut up about little things like torture. (Fun fact: The CIA saw this episode, and started kicking themselves for not thinking of this first.) = -4pts.
  • Cisco and Kaitlyn drop on over to pick up the analysis of Canary’s murder, and to see the Arrow Cave. Because, team Arrow's bread and butter nowadays is giving out admission to their headquarters. = +6pts. (Note: Fuck Colton Haynes for stealing our joke before this scorecard could get published! Double Note: Please don’t hate us we love you!)
  • Cisco gives out some ideas about improvements for the Arrow suits. The nanobots are worried about the day he drops by with feathered hats and red gloves, but Stephen Amell could probably pull it off. = +3pts
  • Dozens of highly trained ARGUS agents are taken down by a Crocodile Dundee armed with a couple of metal boomerangs… It’s a sad day for national security = -3pts.
  • Captain Boomerang has Diggle and Lyla cornered, but help arrives in the form of an Arrow and a Flash! = +15pts
  • The fact that Barry needs to be reminded about keeping a secret identity is a bad sign for his future as a superhero. = -3pts.
  • Through techno babble The Flash and Arrow head to where one of Captain Boomerang’s associates is. The Flash tries to act tough, but Arrow ends shooting him to get the info out. = +2pts (For getting the job done.)
  • Barry shows concern and fear about Oliver’s methods. Oliver tries to justify it with his super awful pain he’s had to go through. Um, Oliver, you’ve got some issues dude. =-4pts
  • Flashback time! Young Oliver was no Jack Bauer. But, still demonstrates more personality then Kiefer Sutherland ever did. =+3pts
  • Flashback time! The bomb goes off, and Amanda Waller is pissed! That’s going to be an awkward subject during his performance review. = -2pts
  • Cisco brings up a thought about how Metahumans and super powers were created in this world to deal with crazy people. Man imagine how Zero Dark Thirty could have gone if Batman was on the case! = +4pts
  • The “not his wife” joke is getting stale.  = -4pts.
  • The Flash taking up all the cool fight scenes! = -3pts.
  • Captain Boomerang tricks the gang, and puts Lyla in the hospital! Dramatic twist! = +3pts
  • Arrow feels all mopey about how his methods put someone he cares about in the hospital. The traditional dramatic CW stare off to space ensues. = +4pts.
  • Hit on a vigilante’s sister, and another vigilante’s ex girlfriend. Not the smartest idea there Cisco. = +2pts.
  • Arrow and Flash go to the train station to fight Captain Boomerang! Epic hand-to-hand combat! = +10pts.
  • Staging the most complex bomb defusing ever! = +20pts.
  • Captain Boomerang is sharing a cell with Slade Wilson. Everyone is relieved, and Arrow and Flash have a quick showdown to see who’s the best. This is how superhero team ups are supposed to be! = +10pts 
Round Arrow Score = +60pts.
Crossover Total: +130pts

This is how you do an epic awesome cross over event. Two nights in a row, two stories, both awesome, and really utilizing every character as much as possible, both shows continue to be strong and a lot of fun. We can’t wait to see more awesomeness as the series continues!

We can talk about you giving your enemies silly code names later.

Score Technitian: Nick Enquist

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