Thursday, August 21, 2014

True Blood Season 7, Episode 9

Well, it's the penultimate episode of the season the big bad is revealed to be Sookie Stakhouse who, along with with her partner in crime Crying Porch Vampire (Jessica), has decided to make it their mission to ruin the lives of every last person in Bon Temps. It's gotten so bad in Louisiana, that even Southern Sympathizer, and (duly noted) conflicted confederate, Bill Compton has decided to embrace the sweet stank of death, rather than spend another day undead with Sookie.
  • After seven seasons, Sookie tries to slap some sense into Bill. = +2pts
  • Bill sees the death and misery that comes from living with Sookie and decides hanging with the true death is totes rad.  = +10pts
  • Sookie and Jessica say "whatevs" to Bill's desire to die. Rather than hang, they decide to spread as much misery as they can before the sun comes up. = -5pts
  • First up, Sam Merlotte! Sookie's favorite punching bag for the first three seasons! It turns out Sam must also be suffering from VampAIDs, because he leaves town before they can get their needy claws into him. In short, Sam makes a good decision. = +1pt
  • Lafayette is given a drive by and, in one second, gives Jessica the nickname she's always been missing: Red Bone. = +3pts
  • Sam's poignant letter to Andy. = +2pts (Sam is two for two! Proof that at this point your characters are at their best when they are no longer actually on the show.)
  • Red Bone's hair is changing colors by the scene. Could it be for screen tests for this? = (No score until we can verify whether this will be any good.)
  • Sookie and Red Bone decide they can do more damage if they split up. = -2pts
  • Red Bone take Sookie's advice and goes to ruin Hoyt's life...again. = -5pts
  • Are black people the only people who can cook in Bon Temps? = +3pts
  • Are black people the only people who show up to work on a regular basis in Bon Temps? = +6pts
  • Bill explains to Eric that a future with Sookie is a tiny void swaddled in a baby blanket. Eric's response: "Fuck." You said it, bro. = +2pts
  • Apparently not even a cordless phone can get between a woman and Jason Stakhouse's man-musk. = +2pts
  • Pam speaking Spanglish to the Yookoosah. = +2pts
  • Jason likes the color pink. = +1pt
  • Eric and Ginger finally "fuck." = +10pts
  • Gingergasm. = +50pts
Episode Score = +82pts
Season Score = -65pts

It turns out that revealing the big bad and deciding that nothing that really happens to any of these characters matters to you any more, is actually a great way to enjoy this show. So let's hope that the finale is the self-immolating beast we hope it will be. After all, there are still people living in Bon Temps. Sookie and Jessica still have lives to ruin.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

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