Well, here it is, the final episode of True Blood. Seven seasons and 69 other episodes have led to this moment. Over the past seven years, (I'm assuming) we've shared a lot of laughs with and (probably?) shed a lot of tears over the True Blood gang. Remember when Vampire Bill did that thing that upset the angry bald guy? And what about the time when one or more characters from this show did whatever and foiled Sarah Newlin's evil plan to do something or other? And who could forget all those steamy encounters between the girl who played Rogue in the X-Men movies and all the male actors on this show, except, I hope, for the one who's supposed to be her brother? Those are all moments that will remain with True Blood fans for the rest of their lives. Presumably. Because, as we've previously established, I don't really watch this show.
- When Bill asked Rogue for "the ultimate kindness," am I the only one who thought he was requesting a handjob? = +2pts
- So long, Yookoozah, you were a reasonably diverting source of conflict for part of this season. = -4pts
- Watching Eric drive into the dawnbreak in a suped up hatchback, bobbing his head to the Japanese version of The System is Down. = +7pts
- Nothing would help me rest easier as a surrogate father than knowing that my daughter-figure was being wed to a guy who can only remember meeting her 24 hours ago. = -12pts
- Rogue flashes back to a heartwarming memory of an impromptu and off-puttingly urgent pep talk from her grandmother, that's sole purpose is to violently impart to her that she is entitled to have anything she wants in life. Sadly, her young black friend sitting next to her is ignored and gets no such pep talk because, well, it's Louisiana and everyone there knows better. = -5pts
- More series finales should feature two characters summarizing the plots to bad Harrison Ford movies. = +3pts
- Was this wedding just an elaborate excuse to give the ginger porch vamp something to cry about? = -10pts
- The spell of solemnity surrounding your major character's death scene is only somewhat spoiled when he pops like a balloon filled with viscera. = +8pts
- Lots of flash forwards. Everyone is happy except for Sarah Newlin. = +3pts
Season Score = -81pts
I don't know much about True Blood, but I know that when you need to shoehorn a wedding into your final episode in order to manufacture emotion, your show is in pretty bad shape. Here's hoping the show left you with a much-needed sense of closure, though. As for myself, I'll be leaving whatever town True Blood was set in with a lot of questions, and very little motivation to answer them.
Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling