Thursday, August 14, 2014

True Blood Season 7, Episode 8

Hey, here's a bunch of bollocks about characters you've stopped caring about!
  • Refusing to make Sarah “She-Jesus” Newlin into a maryr, Eric instead drinks her blood to cure himself of the VampAIDS. = +6pts (Though we'd really like Sarah to die any time now, thanks!) 
  • Eric's post-VampAIDS victory laugh. = -3pts 
  • Bill whining about how his heart is full of darkness with Sookie disagreeing because of his truly loving heart, as this technician's wife astutely pointed out, seemed ripped off from a badly translated anime, or this scene. = -10pts 
  • As if doping her holy husband up with antihistamines wasn't enough, Lettie Mae now twists his words against him to convince him to get high on vampire blood to have a communal hallucination about her double-dead daughter. = -5pts 
  • In yet another flashback, Tara's dad sticks his entire hand in her birthday cake just to drive the point home how big of a jerk he was. = +12pts 
  • In case the aforementioned scene wasn't layered on thick enough, Tara's dad stops yelling at Lettie May briefly to ask her where his gun is. = -3pts 
  • Not only did Tara bury her dad's gun in the yard, but her ghost showing that to everyone tied this subplot up with a big bow. While it was very difficult to see with the naked eye, this technician spotted his first nanobot facepalm. = -7pts 
  • Hoyt defends his title of Worst-Boyfriend-Ever by hurting his girlfriend's feelings so much that she refuses to leave a squad car heading out on urgent police business. = -9pts 
  • Hillbilly Yookoozah's big pharm scheme to milk the VampAIDS crisis for every last penny is presumably so he can afford to buy even more cowboy outfits. = -4pts 
  • No matter how urgent the police matter, Jason Stackhouse still can't resist touching a stuffed zebra to see if it's real or not. = +7pts 
  • Red-hot torture dildo. = -4pts 
  • Hoyt shoots Violet and both saves the super fairy princess gang and moistens their genitals. = +7pts 
  • Hey, look! Sookie is driving her dead boyfriend's truck to get her dead ex-boyfriend to help her other dead ex-boyfriend. If True Blood were a snake, it'd be face-first in its own sphincter right about now. = -4pts 
  • It would be cute to see Hoyt and Jessica get back together, despite their subplot being a bayou version of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. = +7pts 
  • Sookie risks everything and everyone to drag Bill's gross self to Fangtasia in order to drink from She-Jesus and Bill's just like, “Nah, I'll pass.” = -25pts
Score -35pts
Score -147pts

Let's just rename this episode “Watch Everyone Be a Prick” and be done with it. All of the plots and subplots revolve around characters being or acting insufferable while likeable characters such as Lafayette, Andy, and Reverend Daniels just sort of watch it all happen. Thank She-Jesus that there are only two episodes left.

Score Technician: T.J. Geise

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