Saturday, August 9, 2014

True Blood Season 7, Episode 6 & 7

Time to get you caught up on the last two episode's of True Blood. Let's just do it already. Sean goes first:
  • For giving people who've seen both The Raid movies that sequence we've been looking for that explains what Eric was doing in Texas while those movies were happening. = +3pts
  • Bloody vamp three-way with Lilla Mae. = -10pts
  • Violet enacting her revenge by going Basic Bitch on Jason's man-parts. = +8pts
  • Vamp lawyer waiting room looks like every waiting room scene you've seen on an episode of Seinfeld. = -4pts
  • Hillbilly Yookoozah. = +5pts
  • Mother patting your naked ass in an effort to comfort you after being busted for having sex with your soon to be sister. = -3pts
  • Falling for the old-stuck-on-a-cross-with-a-python trick. = -2pts
  • Sookie caps off her Best Week Ever by finding out she has VampAIDS. = -5pts
  • Moving away from a person with VampAIDS if you already have VampAIDS. = -1pt
  • Sookie and Jason share their feelings just long enough for both of them to realize Jason doesn't have any feelings. = +5pts (For trying one last time in your final season.)
  • Say what you want about Bill Compton, but the man knows how to end a meeting. = +2pts
  • Sarah Newlin finds Buddha...and that Buddha, is Sarah Newlin.= -3pts
 Episode Score: -5pts
Season Score: -104pts

Now it's Joe's turn!

Despite this being the third episode of True Blood that I've seen, I still have no idea what's going on, but that's okay because I think the creators of the show are in the same boat. Let's get right to it.
  • Asian dude with a Texan accent. = +4pts
  • Staking the vampire you're supposed to be interrogating, right as she's starting to give you the information you've been asking her for. = -7pts
  • Angry bald man addresses Bill as "Vampire Bill." = +3pts
  • Violet's teenage sex dungeon. = +10pts
  • A 515-year-old vampire named Keith? = -2pts
  • Eric: The Gerber Baby of vampire AIDS zombies. = +3pts
  • Does the ginger porch vamp do anything in this show besides cry? = -5pts
  • Sookie, like some other eminent poets of our generation, recognizes miracles. = -11pts
  • We just noticed that Violet has a giant portrait of herself in her fuck den. = +15pts
  • Shriveled old lady in a humvee. = +3pts
  • Rutger Hauer eating spaghetti. = +10pts
  • Sookie asks Rutger Hauer, "If you're always watching..." For not finishing that sentence with "...does that mean you've seen me naked?" = -8pts
  • Rutger Hauer: "Birth is a miracle. Love is a miracle. Death is a miracle. And fuckin' magnets, how do they work?" = -20pts
  • True Blood's use of "In Dreams" not quite as good as David Lynch's. = -4pts
  • Maybe if you really want to make a fortune off this Newlin chick's blood, you should rethink bringing along the guy who staked your last captive because for a second he thought she looked like the lynchpin to your entire enterprise. = -6pts
  • Vampire Bill is so covered in varicose veins that it looks like Sookie is having sex with a middle-aged waitress's leg. = +7pts
Total Score = -8pts
Season Score =-112pts

Looks like True Blood has a lot of plates spinning in the air right now, and we're not really sure which ones are important. Seven episodes deep into a show's final season, we're a little surprised that we're being asked to care about a pair of love-struck teens (who might be brother and sister?) exploring their burgeoning sexuality. But, hey, what do I know? I don't really watch this.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell and Joe Hemmerling

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