Purple Rain

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called…a scorecard.

30 years ago in July of 1984, Prince, who was already becoming a household name with hits like “1999” and “Little Red Corvette” made his film debut in Purple Rain. Michael Jackson had already released his groundbreaking 13 minute video for “Thriller” in December of 1983. So, what could an up-and-coming superstar do in order to get a little attention? Make a feature length film! In an extremely clever marketing move, songs and videos from the film were released early and the soundtrack was climbing the charts before the movie even opened. “When Doves Cry” became Prince’s first #1 single and the soundtrack ended up spending a record breaking 24 weeks at #1 on the Billboard chart between 1984 and 1985. Purple Rain also marks the first appearance of Prince’s band, The Revolution.

So, does the movie live up to the album? Does it stand the test of time? Does it deserve all this hype? The Nanobots grab their eyeliner and Aqua Net and head down to the club to experience the Glam/R&B/Funk spectacle that is Purple Rain.

• The audience in this club is wearing a lot of glam face paint and is looking a lot like David Bowie on the cover of his 1973 release Aladdin Sane. Way to be ahead of the trend, Minneapolis! = -4pts. 
• Apollonia runs out on a $37.75 cab fare. That’s $37.75 in 1984 dollars. What, did she cab all the way from New Orleans? = -5pts. (For lack of planning.) 
• The movie is set in a club called First Ave and 7th St Entry. Hey, at least it isn’t 9th & Hennepin.  = +5pts. 
• The man who rents Apollonia a shitty room in a flophouse where the windows won’t open looks an awful lot like Robert Englund in old man make-up. This movie may have just taken a weird turn. = +2pts. 
• "Let’s Go Crazy," the extended movie mix! = +8pts. 
• Apollonia confesses, “I don’t have a phone.” Remember when this was a thing? = -3pts. 
• Even the waitress in this movie thinks “Apollonia” is a bullshit name. = +7pts. 
• In the opening club sequence of this film, The Revolution opens for Morris Day and The Time to, we believe, establish that The Time is the headliner and The Revolution is still working their way up. We don’t know, movie, we think you just asked us to suspend our disbelief farther than we’re willing to go. = -5pts. 
• NEVER SAY AN UNKIND WORD ABOUT THE TIME! = +5pts. 
• Jerome Benton – the third best hype man in the business, right behind Flava Flav and that little dude from Kid Rock’s band. = +6pts. 
• Prince goes home to introduce us to the family. Turns out his Dad, Francis L., is played by Link from The MOD Squad! = +4pts. Also, it turns out Francis L. is a domestic abuser. Shit just got real. = -14pts. 
• We find out that Prince’s character’s name in this movie is The Kid. We can only assume that this is because typesetters were still 10 years from being able to do this thing:
  
  
  
  But hey, at least “The Kid” is pronounceable! = +7pts.
• So, Prince can drive a motorcycle. We know this because we get to watch him and Apollonia drive through the Minnesota wilderness for a full minute and a half while “Take Me With You” plays in the background. We think this might count as the first screensaver. = -6pts. 
• The Kid learns that Apollonia is a singer. He sounds as excited about that as we are. Way to sell it, Prince. = +4pts. 
• So, Morris Day has Jerome throw one of his ladies in a dumpster, Prince has Apollonia jump into “not Lake Minnetonka,” and Doc, The Revolution’s keyboard player, makes a “she must be on her period” joke about Wendy, The Revolution’s guitar player. “I’m embarrassed for my gender,” declares Guest Technician John Ormond. = -28pts. 
• Morris and Jerome do the “Who’s on First?” bit. Twice. Someone thought that was working. = -9pts. 
• Wendy: Best 80’s hair. Period. = +16pts.

• The scene where Wendy is frustrated and pissed off at Prince? Yeah, probably not acting. = +8pts. 
• As Morris and The Kid compete for Apollonia’s affections, Morris goes with champagne in martini glasses and some awkward conversation about his waterbed. The Kid chooses to sing “The Beautiful Ones” to her. Game: The Kid. = +25pts. 
• Whoever thought to have The Kid and Apollonia enter The Kid’s home through a weird basement window on the side of the house knows a thing or two about living in a domestic freak show. Kudos. = +11pts. 
• We have officially reached the “…and backstage, things were falling apart” portion of the movie. = -4pts. 
• With all of the theatrics, it’s sometimes easy to forget what a great guitar player Prince really is. The opening guitar riff from “When Doves Cry” exists to remind us of this. Also, please enjoy this clip from the 2006 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony for George Harrison. Prince completely owns the end of this song. = +40pts. 
• Domestic violence *is* what it sounds like when doves cry. Get out of our soul, Prince. = +50pts. 
• A flashback montage of Apollonia and The Kid gettin’ it on rolls during “When Doves Cry” and includes a scene of them in a hayloft. Since we don’t remember that scene taking place, all we can figure is Prince laying the groundwork for “Raspberry Beret.” = -5pts. 
• “Computer Blue,” a song written by Wendy and Lisa, might be about internet porn, which would be remarkable since that hadn’t been invented yet. = +3pts. 
• How in the Hell does The Revolution know all this choreography for their stage show when no one shows up at the same time for rehearsal? Never happens. Not once. = -10pts.
• Ah, “Darling Nikki,” the song that inspired Tipper Gore to start the PMRC because, you know, no one had ever written a song about sex before this.
  
  …and for anyone who might think that “Darling Nikki” is misogynistic, here is a video of Maya Rudolph totally owning this song (even the backwards part at the end).
  
  …and for anyone who might think that “Darling Nikki” is a novelty song and that it doesn’t have much to it, here is a video of the Foo Fighters tearin’ it up.
  
  “Darling Nikki” recap:
  Song = +69pts.
  PMRC = -40pts.
  Current cover versions of the song that no one protests nor is offended by = +29pts.
• The backstage area of the First Ave club has a system of hallways more complex than that “Hello Cleveland” scene from Spinal Tap. = -4pts. 
• Billy, the club owner, philosophizes that the stage ain’t no place for The Kid’s personal shit. Really? ‘Cause we thought the stage was *exactly* the place for that. = -5pts. 
• Let’s recap the musical atrocity that just happened. The Revolution plays “Darling Nikki” to a lukewarm crowd shaking their heads at The Kid’s fucked up-ness. Across town, Apollonia 6 lip-syncs-for-their-life to a song called “Sex Shooter” wearing lingerie and “dancing” to an adoring crowd throwing dollar bills at them and, somehow, Apollonia 6 wins the day. = -6pts. 
• In a last ditch effort to win Father of the Year, Francis L. attempts to commit suicide. = -9pts. 
• Aside from the opening number, The Kid wears the same pair of pants throughout the entire movie. Big points for rocker realism. = +17pts. 
• After Morris Day takes a shot at The Kid asking, “How’s the family?” he turns the corner and takes a moment. He has even managed to shock himself with his doucheticity. = +8pts. 
• The Kid takes all of his pain, angst and personal tragedy and throws it all into the song “Purple Rain.” How’s that for putting personal shit on stage, Billy? Huh? That’s an Academy Award winning song, right there. Is that good enough for you, Billy? Huh? Is it? = +90pts. 
• Prince: Texting before it was cool. = +9pts.

Total Score = +277pts.
Available on DVD, Blu-Ray and in the box of VHS tapes in your storage locker.

Purple Rain still stands as the fun musical romp that it was meant to be. Look, you are not going to find any Actor’s Studio level performances here. That was never what this was about. Since most everyone in this film plays themselves, however, they do a serviceable job of keeping it together long enough so we can get to the important part – the music! Vive la Revolution!

May u live 2 see the dawn!

Score Technician: Stacey Hanlon, feat. John Ormond

True Blood Season 7, Episode 10

Well, here it is, the final episode of True Blood. Seven seasons and 69 other episodes have led to this moment. Over the past seven years, (I'm assuming) we've shared a lot of laughs with and (probably?) shed a lot of tears over the True Blood gang. Remember when Vampire Bill did that thing that upset the angry bald guy? And what about the time when one or more characters from this show did whatever and foiled Sarah Newlin's evil plan to do something or other? And who could forget all those steamy encounters between the girl who played Rogue in the X-Men movies and all the male actors on this show, except, I hope, for the one who's supposed to be her brother? Those are all moments that will remain with True Blood fans for the rest of their lives. Presumably. Because, as we've previously established, I don't really watch this show.

• When Bill asked Rogue for "the ultimate kindness," am I the only one who thought he was requesting a handjob? = +2pts 
• So long, Yookoozah, you were a reasonably diverting source of conflict for part of this season. = -4pts
• Watching Eric drive into the dawnbreak in a suped up hatchback, bobbing his head to the Japanese version of The System is Down. = +7pts
• Nothing would help me rest easier as a surrogate father than knowing that my daughter-figure was being wed to a guy who can only remember meeting her 24 hours ago. = -12pts 
• Rogue flashes back to a heartwarming memory of an impromptu and off-puttingly urgent pep talk from her grandmother, that's sole purpose is to violently impart to her that she is entitled to have anything she wants in life. Sadly, her young black friend sitting next to her is ignored and gets no such pep talk because, well, it's Louisiana and everyone there knows better. = -5pts
• More series finales should feature two characters summarizing the plots to bad Harrison Ford movies. = +3pts 
• Was this wedding just an elaborate excuse to give the ginger porch vamp something to cry about? = -10pts 
• The spell of solemnity surrounding your major character's death scene is only somewhat spoiled when he pops like a balloon filled with viscera. = +8pts 
• Lots of flash forwards. Everyone is happy except for Sarah Newlin. = +3pts 

Total Score = -17pts
Season Score = -81pts

I don't know much about True Blood, but I know that when you need to shoehorn a wedding into your final episode in order to manufacture emotion, your show is in pretty bad shape. Here's hoping the show left you with a much-needed sense of closure, though. As for myself, I'll be leaving whatever town True Blood was set in with a lot of questions, and very little motivation to answer them.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

True Blood Season 7, Episode 9

Well, it's the penultimate episode of the season the big bad is revealed to be Sookie Stakhouse who, along with with her partner in crime Crying Porch Vampire (Jessica), has decided to make it their mission to ruin the lives of every last person in Bon Temps. It's gotten so bad in Louisiana, that even Southern Sympathizer, and (duly noted) conflicted confederate, Bill Compton has decided to embrace the sweet stank of death, rather than spend another day undead with Sookie.

• After seven seasons, Sookie tries to slap some sense into Bill. = +2pts
• Bill sees the death and misery that comes from living with Sookie and decides hanging with the true death is totes rad.  = +10pts
• Sookie and Jessica say "whatevs" to Bill's desire to die. Rather than hang, they decide to spread as much misery as they can before the sun comes up. = -5pts
• First up, Sam Merlotte! Sookie's favorite punching bag for the first three seasons! It turns out Sam must also be suffering from VampAIDs, because he leaves town before they can get their needy claws into him. In short, Sam makes a good decision. = +1pt
• Lafayette is given a drive by and, in one second, gives Jessica the nickname she's always been missing: Red Bone. = +3pts
• Sam's poignant letter to Andy. = +2pts (Sam is two for two! Proof that at this point your characters are at their best when they are no longer actually on the show.)
• Red Bone's hair is changing colors by the scene. Could it be for screen tests for this? = (No score until we can verify whether this will be any good.)
• Sookie and Red Bone decide they can do more damage if they split up. = -2pts
• Red Bone take Sookie's advice and goes to ruin Hoyt's life...again. = -5pts
• Are black people the only people who can cook in Bon Temps? = +3pts
• Are black people the only people who show up to work on a regular basis in Bon Temps? = +6pts
• Bill explains to Eric that a future with Sookie is a tiny void swaddled in a baby blanket. Eric's response: "Fuck." You said it, bro. = +2pts
• Apparently not even a cordless phone can get between a woman and Jason Stakhouse's man-musk. = +2pts
• Pam speaking Spanglish to the Yookoosah. = +2pts
• Jason likes the color pink. = +1pt
• Eric and Ginger finally "fuck." = +10pts
• Gingergasm. = +50pts

Episode Score = +82pts
Season Score = -65pts

It turns out that revealing the big bad and deciding that nothing that really happens to any of these characters matters to you any more, is actually a great way to enjoy this show. So let's hope that the finale is the self-immolating beast we hope it will be. After all, there are still people living in Bon Temps. Sookie and Jessica still have lives to ruin.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

Footloose (1984)

Footloose needs no introduction. It’s Footloose. If you haven’t heard of the movie where Kevin Bacon shows an all-white cast that dancing is, well, the best thing in the world, then you're probably too busy saving the galaxy to have noticed and need an explanation. Ren McCormack stars as Kevin Bacon, a 26-year old high school student who loves dancing but is relocated to Bomont, a town that hates dancing, because his father left his mother (presumably because he too hated dancing). Kevin Bacon’s solution to this problem? The nanobots will answer that below!

• Footloose starts quite literally with feet cutting loose to the song "Footloose." = +4pts 
• Reverend John Lithgow sweatily decries rock music and pornography while his parishioners paint their nails and try to keep their kids awake. = -3pts 
• A semi-truck nearly kills the Reverend’s daughter, Ariel, and all of her friends when she decides to ride in both a car and a truck at the same time. = -6pts 
• Kevin Bacon admits to enjoying Slaughterhouse Five and is immediately vilified by the townsfolk. = -3pts 
• Awkwardly dancing to ‘80s electro-pop is so contagious that even the guy flipping burgers can’t resist getting busting a groove. = +5pts 
• Pac-Man’s death knell syncs perfectly to Reverend John Lithgow putting an immediate halt to all loosened feet. = +2pts 
• Kevin Bacon becomes BFFs with local bumpkin Willard after bumping into him and then insulting his hat. = +6pts 
• Willard gets boneranged with a totally bogus tale of the time Kevin Bacon totally didn’t have hot sex with a girl. = +4pts 
• ‘80s or not, “Jump back” is always a viable response when someone tells you that dancing in town is illegal. = +3pts 
• Having a “Who’s on first?” conversation about Men at Work and The Police that ends in Kevin Bacon getting a ticket. = -5pts 
• Fact: Kevin Bacon has jumbo coconut balls. = +2pts 
• A conversation that most Chicagoans can attest to having: “Where ya from?” “Chicago.” "You’re not stupid, are ya?” = -4pts 
• While dancing is illegal, men’s gymnastics is still totally fine. = -6pts (This seems suspect) 
• There’s no question that “Holding Out for a Hero” was written specifically for the scene where Kevin Bacon beats Chuck, the local douchebag, in a game of tractor chicken. That hero is, of course, Kevin Bacon's shoelace. = +11pts 
• Kids: don’t deal drugs at school, because your teacher will immediately know about it and then chase you into the boys room. = -4pts 
• I wish we were watching whatever cartoon Kevin Bacon’s cousins were watching. That panda caught a football! = +6pts 
• Kevin Bacon is so angry with his home life that he starts smoking, drinking, listening to rock music, and dancing (with a very unnecessary emphasis on the dancing) all at the same time. Rebellion, thy name is Bacon. = +7pts 
• We see not one, not two, not three, but a whopping five rewinds of Kevin Bacon’s stunt double leaping into the air. = -5pts (one for each rewound leap) 
• “You’ve been kissed a lot” is a cutesy small-town way of saying that you’re a dirty whore. = +3pts 
• At what point is Ariel’s reckless behavior identified as mental illness so that she can get the help that she needs? = -7pts (As an aside, “Screaming at Trains” is the name of your new favorite post-jazz death-surf-rock group.) 
• Using Family Feud as an argument that living in a small town isn’t as primitive as can be. = +4pts 
• Everyone cuts footloose until a hillbilly cuts fistloose on Willard’s face. = -6pts 
• ‘80s alert: homoerotic locker room shower scene. = +3pts 
• Teaching a good ol’ boy how to dance montage! =+10pts with +5 bonus points for having the montage set to “Let’s Hear It For the Boys.” Total score = +15pts 
• Ariel’s untreated bipolar disorder gets her in trouble once again, this time with a severe beating from Chuck. = -12pts 
• For coming to her rescue, Ariel rewards Kevin Bacon with her box; her music box. = +3pts 
• Even while playing a timid church-wife, Dianne Wiest can’t help but laugh at John Lithgow’s line about dancing leading to sexual irresponsibility. = +6pts 
• Kevin Bacon breaks down the walls separating church and state by using examples of biblical footloosery to oppose the anti-dancing ban. = +7pts 
• John Lithgow may hate dancing and his daughter’s sinful behavior, but he’s not going to abide by the nefarious act of book-burning! = +4pts (Reminds this technician of the time the Joker realized the Red Skull wasn't just pretending to be a Nazi.) 
• You can practically hear Dianne Wiest’s church-panties moisten upon hearing her husband indirectly approve of the senior prom. Hot. = +7pts 
• Regardless of any dancing bans, teenagers will still stand around awkwardly when a slow song comes on. = +2pts 
• Ten bucks says that the guy who picked his nose and nonchalantly wiped the booger on his powder blue dress pants gets to at least second base with his prom date. = -4pts 
• Chuck and his cronies learn the hard way never to pick a fight with a male gymnast and his burly redneck sidekick. = +7pts 
• No matter what year, nothing gets a party going like Kevin Bacon and glitter. = +10pts 

• Ending Footloose with everyone cutting footloose to the song "Footloose" is the ‘80s equivalent of giving a cat a cheeseburger. = +15pts

Total Score = +71pts
Available on: Netflix streaming, Blu-Ray, and VHS at your neighbor’s garage sale

For a movie packaged as a goofy teen drama, Footlose is embarrassingly entertaining. That said, the movie could just as easily have been marketed as a cautionary tale aimed at overprotective parents.

John Lithgow’s character is portrayed as the villain, but tragically so. After his son died from too much screwing around, he thought that he only way to prevent this from happening to anyone else was to rally the town together to ban screwing around. As a result, he pushed away his wife, created some serious daddy issues in his mentally unhinged daughter, and turned the townsfolk into book-burning zealots.

While Kevin Bacon is seen as the hero for rekindling Bomont’s youth culture, he really should be hailed the hero for helping to show John Lithgow the error in his overprotective ways and helped the town save itself from its own insecurities. Or maybe the nanobots are thinking too deeply about a movie named after a song (or vice-versa). The next time you’re going to kick off your Sunday shoes and cut footloose, do so with a scorecard (and with pity in your heart for John Lithgow).

Score Technician: TJ Geise

True Blood Season 7, Episode 8

Hey, here's a bunch of bollocks about characters you've stopped caring about!

• Refusing to make Sarah “She-Jesus” Newlin into a maryr, Eric instead drinks her blood to cure himself of the VampAIDS. = +6pts (Though we'd really like Sarah to die any time now, thanks!) 
• Eric's post-VampAIDS victory laugh. = -3pts 
• Bill whining about how his heart is full of darkness with Sookie disagreeing because of his truly loving heart, as this technician's wife astutely pointed out, seemed ripped off from a badly translated anime, or this scene. = -10pts 
• As if doping her holy husband up with antihistamines wasn't enough, Lettie Mae now twists his words against him to convince him to get high on vampire blood to have a communal hallucination about her double-dead daughter. = -5pts 
• In yet another flashback, Tara's dad sticks his entire hand in her birthday cake just to drive the point home how big of a jerk he was. = +12pts 
• In case the aforementioned scene wasn't layered on thick enough, Tara's dad stops yelling at Lettie May briefly to ask her where his gun is. = -3pts 
• Not only did Tara bury her dad's gun in the yard, but her ghost showing that to everyone tied this subplot up with a big bow. While it was very difficult to see with the naked eye, this technician spotted his first nanobot facepalm. = -7pts 
• Hoyt defends his title of Worst-Boyfriend-Ever by hurting his girlfriend's feelings so much that she refuses to leave a squad car heading out on urgent police business. = -9pts 
• Hillbilly Yookoozah's big pharm scheme to milk the VampAIDS crisis for every last penny is presumably so he can afford to buy even more cowboy outfits. = -4pts 
• No matter how urgent the police matter, Jason Stackhouse still can't resist touching a stuffed zebra to see if it's real or not. = +7pts 
• Red-hot torture dildo. = -4pts 
• Hoyt shoots Violet and both saves the super fairy princess gang and moistens their genitals. = +7pts 
• Hey, look! Sookie is driving her dead boyfriend's truck to get her dead ex-boyfriend to help her other dead ex-boyfriend. If True Blood were a snake, it'd be face-first in its own sphincter right about now. = -4pts 
• It would be cute to see Hoyt and Jessica get back together, despite their subplot being a bayou version of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. = +7pts 
• Sookie risks everything and everyone to drag Bill's gross self to Fangtasia in order to drink from She-Jesus and Bill's just like, “Nah, I'll pass.” = -25pts

Score -35pts
Score -147pts

Let's just rename this episode “Watch Everyone Be a Prick” and be done with it. All of the plots and subplots revolve around characters being or acting insufferable while likeable characters such as Lafayette, Andy, and Reverend Daniels just sort of watch it all happen. Thank She-Jesus that there are only two episodes left.

Score Technician: T.J. Geise

C.H.U.D.

Today on the PCS, the nanobots are taking a spin through C.H.U.D., a 1984 documentary on transients living in the New York underground. The film was cited as a powerful and revelatory look at the plight of the urban homeless in its time, but will its message remain relevant thirty years after its release? Come along, gentle readers, as we explore with scientific precision the delicate latticework of subterranean tunnels sprawled out beneath the Big Apple.

• The street cleaning sequence: incontrovertible evidence that even knuckle-draggers who went to see low-budget horror films 30 years ago had longer attention spans than we have today. = +10pts 
• '80s tech alert: Answering machines in 1984 were bigger than laptops are today. = +3pts 
• Booking your boyfriend with anger management issues as your photographer for a risqué perfume ad goes about as well as expected. = -6pts (Is this why we've never heard of the model "Laura Daniels?" Was this a Thora Birch situation?) 
• Daniel Stern plays Reverend Pit Stains, the operator of the filthiest soup kitchen in NYC (quite the honor in 1984!). = +12pts 

• Police Captain Bosch's revelation that the woman abducted in the opening scene was his wife is supposed to humanize him, but it kind of makes him look like even more of a monster, since he tried to keep a lid on this rash of disappearances even after his own wife went missing. = -9pts 
• Reverend Pit Stains has collected a bunch of equipment left behind in the underground by the EPA and NRC, who apparently hired a bunch of teenage boys to conduct their investigation. = +4pts 
• Laura announces to her boyfriend George that she's pregnant, which is convenient for him, because otherwise she might still be angry with him for making a huge scene at her photo shoot, disappearing without telling anyone that he was leaving, and probably costing her the job, as well as irreparably tarnishing her reputation as a model. = -13pts 
• Someday, George and Laura will tell their child the heartwarming story of how mom and dad nonchalantly discussed whether it made sense to abort him or her. = -18pts 
• Freelance reporter Murphy: so freelance, he can't even afford business cards. = +3pts 
• This scene. = +36pts 

• We're all behind Bosch's commitment to wiping out the C.H.U.D.s, but maybe sending a bunch of guys with flamethrowers into a tunnel where you know there's a gas leak isn't the soundest plan. = -4pts 
• We think the nanobots have definitively solved the age-old question raised during the Cheers pilot about what the sweatiest movie ever made is. = +7pts 
• Murphy learns the hard way that sometimes you eat the C.H.U.D., and sometimes, well, the C.H.U.D., he eats you. = +5pts 
• Laura picks a strange time to suddenly decide that she needs to explore the trap door in the basement. = -3pts 
• Shower scene in C.H.U.D. > Shower scene in Psycho. = +28pts 
• Holy shit, is that John Goodman falling prey to C.H.U.D.-strike?!?!? = +13pts 
• Apparently, C.H.U.D-ism is passed by bite the same as zombieism. = +6pts 
• Laura seems remarkably unfazed by the fact that her shower drain, appropo of nothing, sprayed her with a pressurized jet of blood just minutes before. Like crazy people on the subway and the ever-present smell of garbage, it must just be another part of living in New York. = +17pts 
• Decapitating a C.H.U.D. with a decorative sword. = +20pts 

• The idea that the US government would dispose of nuclear waste under the most populace city in America: In 2014, laughably absurd; in 1984, so believable that it might actually have happened. = +9pts 
• The C.H.U.D.s have been gassed to death. The government cover-up has been exposed. The perpetrator of the crime is dead. It's just too bad that George and Reverend Pit Stains probably received a lethal dose of radiation while wandering through the sewers. = -8pts 

Total Score = +112pts
Available on: Netflix, lead-lined canisters buried deep under the earth beneath New York City

Given C.H.U.D.'s reputation as a low-budget camp classic, we were generally surprised by the quality of the acting and the extent to which the film's many characters were fleshed out and given actual motivations. While it certainly still packs some boffo moments, it was given a lot more thought than movies about mutant cannibal derelicts generally draw (as evident from the producer's account of the film's creation).

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

True Blood Season 7, Episode 6 & 7

Time to get you caught up on the last two episode's of True Blood. Let's just do it already. Sean goes first:

• For giving people who've seen both The Raid movies that sequence we've been looking for that explains what Eric was doing in Texas while those movies were happening. = +3pts
• Bloody vamp three-way with Lilla Mae. = -10pts
• Violet enacting her revenge by going Basic Bitch on Jason's man-parts. = +8pts
• Vamp lawyer waiting room looks like every waiting room scene you've seen on an episode of Seinfeld. = -4pts
• Hillbilly Yookoozah. = +5pts
• Mother patting your naked ass in an effort to comfort you after being busted for having sex with your soon to be sister. = -3pts
• Falling for the old-stuck-on-a-cross-with-a-python trick. = -2pts
• Sookie caps off her Best Week Ever by finding out she has VampAIDS. = -5pts
• Moving away from a person with VampAIDS if you already have VampAIDS. = -1pt
• Sookie and Jason share their feelings just long enough for both of them to realize Jason doesn't have any feelings. = +5pts (For trying one last time in your final season.)
• Say what you want about Bill Compton, but the man knows how to end a meeting. = +2pts
• Sarah Newlin finds Buddha...and that Buddha, is Sarah Newlin.= -3pts

 Episode Score: -5pts
Season Score: -104pts

Now it's Joe's turn!

Despite this being the third episode of True Blood that I've seen, I still have no idea what's going on, but that's okay because I think the creators of the show are in the same boat. Let's get right to it.

• Asian dude with a Texan accent. = +4pts
• Staking the vampire you're supposed to be interrogating, right as she's starting to give you the information you've been asking her for. = -7pts
• Angry bald man addresses Bill as "Vampire Bill." = +3pts
• Violet's teenage sex dungeon. = +10pts
• A 515-year-old vampire named Keith? = -2pts
• Eric: The Gerber Baby of vampire AIDS zombies. = +3pts
• Does the ginger porch vamp do anything in this show besides cry? = -5pts
• Sookie, like some other eminent poets of our generation, recognizes miracles. = -11pts
• We just noticed that Violet has a giant portrait of herself in her fuck den. = +15pts
• Shriveled old lady in a humvee. = +3pts
• Rutger Hauer eating spaghetti. = +10pts
• Sookie asks Rutger Hauer, "If you're always watching..." For not finishing that sentence with "...does that mean you've seen me naked?" = -8pts
• Rutger Hauer: "Birth is a miracle. Love is a miracle. Death is a miracle. And fuckin' magnets, how do they work?" = -20pts
• True Blood's use of "In Dreams" not quite as good as David Lynch's. = -4pts
• Maybe if you really want to make a fortune off this Newlin chick's blood, you should rethink bringing along the guy who staked your last captive because for a second he thought she looked like the lynchpin to your entire enterprise. = -6pts
• Vampire Bill is so covered in varicose veins that it looks like Sookie is having sex with a middle-aged waitress's leg. = +7pts

Total Score = -8pts
Season Score =-112pts

Looks like True Blood has a lot of plates spinning in the air right now, and we're not really sure which ones are important. Seven episodes deep into a show's final season, we're a little surprised that we're being asked to care about a pair of love-struck teens (who might be brother and sister?) exploring their burgeoning sexuality. But, hey, what do I know? I don't really watch this.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell and Joe Hemmerling

The Karate Kid

Ah, the timeless fable of Daniel LaRusso, a young man who leaves his comfortable Newark, New Jersey and comes to the new, strange city of Los Angeles. Once there he must face the challenges it has to offer: aggressive car drivers, different social norms, and of course, battle the most emotionally abused Martial Art students ever. Despite his complaints and fears, Daniel san learns the Tao of bullyfighting from a peaceful Japanese maintenance man, Mr. Miyagi, who, even thirty years later, is a master of one of the more silly forms of Karate committed to film. The two learn from each other and create a special friendship that is filled with emotion and care. The Karate Kid inspired millions of children to study Karate and became a film series, second only to Rocky in its ability to employ sports clichés, montaging, with the talents of Peter Satera. But does the original still wax on, or wax off? Well, the nanobots are here to find out.

• Open on establishing shots of Newark, New Jersey looking like an absolute shit hole. You’d think Daniel San would be happy to be getting the hell out of there. = -6pts
• “Tony don’t forget to tell Uncle Louie that I left the red wine and the Parmesan cheese in the refrigerator,” is the most stereotypical Italian American signifying sentence ever spoken without involving mob connections. = +12pts
• We then embark on the quickest road trip ever. Thirty seconds and boom! We’re in LA. We can’t tell you how many awful road trips we’ve been on that we wish could have been cut down with editing. = (+10 pts; -3pts for bringing up painful repressed memories of trips to Disney Land) net +7pts
• We see Daniel and his mother enter their new home and Daniel complains about how he wishes he was back home in Newark. Dude, you’re a teenager in LA in the mid 80s at the height of the cocaine era; you should be the most excited kid in the world right now! Like, literally, you should literally be on cocaine right now. = -5pts
• Daniel expresses his aggression by kicking the gate door of the apartment. What the hell did the door do to you Daniel? = -1pt
• Daniel meets a new neighbor who starts out being friendly, but turns on the kicking of his ass. = +6pts
• Daniel’s positive and happy mom is fun to watch. = +7pts
• Mr. Miyagi, trying to catch a fly with chopsticks, looks like he’s going to stab Daniel with the chopsticks for interrupting him. Don’t fuck with Miyagi. = +20pts
• Daniel goes to a beach party, has fun playing soccer, and meets his California dream girl, Ali. = +3pts
• Apparently, in real life, Ralph Macchio and Elisabeth Shue had absolutely no chemistry.  (Bonus +12pts for faking it!)
• Daniel stays at the beach all day into the night to gets to know Ali, which is too, much for Johnny and his gang of emotionally starved for attention Cobra Kai karate students to handle. = +6pts
• Johnny wants Ali to play with his balls. = +20pts (Because we have no shame.)
• Daniel tries to calm Johnny down, but learns quickly that nobody calms Johnny down but Johnny! = -12pts
• Daniel decides to fight back by running face first at the enemy. = -15pts (For making the nanobots face-palm uncontrollably.)
• Johnny beats the shit out of Daniel. Without mercy! = +5pts
• Daniel gets one good punch in, but it does about as much as a fly slapping King Kong. = -6pts
• Johnny keeps blaming everything on Ali, who only crime as far as we can tell is being able to respond pleasantly to questions and be good at foot play. Johnny, you’re insecurity and hair trigger rage is so adorable! = +4pts
• Daniel’s new “friends” leave him, because that’s what good friends do after one gets the living man shit kicked out of them. = -8pts
• Daniel’s mom sees what happened to Daniel and has the only rational reaction in the movie: shock and anger. = +8pts
• After a shitty first day at his new shitty school filled with shitty students Daniel tries to study karate from books. Mr. Miyagi, apparently just getting Daniel’s "beaten face page", comes in to do some maintenance work and uses his Asianess to gleefully see through Daniel’s lies. Don’t fuck with Miyagi! = +25pts
• Daniel decides to check out the greatest Karate Dojo ever opened next to a Walgreens. = +10pts
• All rise for the introduction of the sensei of the Cobra Kais, the most bat-shit insane martial arts teacher of all time, a man who quite literally belongs in a Mortal Kombat game. We give you Martin Kove as John Kreese!! = +20pts
• “There is no mercy in this dojo!” = +50pts
• Johnny and his cohorts make Daniel feel welcome by shoving him off his bike down a hill, which is an unknown, but important karate lesson. = +7pts
• Daniel’s finally lets it all out and has a good cry to his Mom. = +3pts
• Mr. Miyagi and Daniel cut bonsai trees together. It’s quite touching and sweet, and, unfortunately,gives us nothing to make fun of. = -7pts
• Miyagi makes Daniel go to the Halloween dance wearing a shower curtain. No doubt so he can freely masturbate in the dark amongst the nubile bodies of American teenagers. Japan is weird. = +2pts (For being a borderline crime, while still managing to respecting everyone’s privacy.)
• No doubt inspired by perceived autonomy of his costume, Daniel decides to prank Johnny in the bathroom by blasting a hose full of water at him while he harmlessly rolls a joint in a bathroom stall. Welcome to LA! = +12pts
• The bullies chase Daniel and beat the shit out of him until Miyagi fights them off.… DON’T! FUCK! WITH! MIYAGI! = +20pts (The less said about a tiny Japanese grandfather having to save you from a bunch of kids hopped up on weed, the better.)
• No Miyagi there is such thing as a bad student. = -4pts
• Making an Asians are bad at driving joke. = -20pts
• Miyagi meets Kreese. The ultimate form of purity and goodness meets the ultimate form of douchebaggery. The cosmos shivers. = +15pts
• “This is a Karate Dojo not a knitting class!” (Unable to accurately convey how many points this is worth. Nanobots laughing too hard.)
• “You’re a pushy little bastard ain’t ya. But I like that! I like that!” Okay, Kreese, all this time acting overly aggressive with young men in a karate Dojo is not healthy for you. You need to either get a girl friend or confess some things about yourself. = +20pts
• Daniel never shuts the fuck up. = -13pts
• Daniel San starts waxing off. = +10pts
• Miyagi teaching Daniel “karate.” = -12pts
• Miyagi teaching Daniel how to get a bunch of chores done. = +20pts
• Daniel being unable to tell the difference. = +10pts
• Daniel and Ali go on a date…with Daniel’s mom playing chauffeur! And Ali’s Dad secretly hates Italians!! Awkwardness level: Extremely High. = +10pts
• The date goes fine right up until others find out about the chauffeur situation. Then Daniel acts like a punk… again. = -9pts
• Daniel continues his training, but shows up Mr. Miyagi by catching the little black piece of lint on a string with chopsticks… We mean the fly… Yeah… Fly. Miyagi rewards him with painting the fence technique. = +6pts
• Daniel finally learns how to use his hands to block punches. Before he just kept using his face. = +12pts
• Miyagi performs crane technique, thus offering up to Daniel the most un-Karate-like moves in all of Karate. At this point maybe he just wants Daniel dead. He is old enough to remember Hiroshima... = -4pts
• Why is everyone in the Karate Kid universe an asshole? Two racist, douchebags are just hanging out on Miyagi’s car and calling him nasty words and drinking beer. But, what have we learned kids? Don’t fuck with Miyagi. = +30pts
• Daniel tries to go on another date with Ali, but Ali has to go to her parent’s posh dinner party. Johnny is there and tries to pull a move on her, but then kisses her and Daniel sees them. We have to give this movie credit; we thought there was a limit on how many times we can use the word douche. =-9pts
• Miyagi drunk is not nearly as funny as it should be. = -30pts
• Seriously this is really sad. What the hell movie! = -6pts
• Miyagi wakes up with the worst hangover ever and then finally teaches Daniel how to punch. = +2pts
• Miyagi then gives Daniel a karate uniform...and a freaking car! Mr. Miyagi, can you adopt us? We can clean, paint, and wax off really good we promise! = +25pts
• Daniel meets Ali at the arcade, and Ali is mad at Daniel. Why is she mad? The whole reason Daniel is getting his ass kicked is because of her! = -25pts
• They forgive each other. Whatever. = +20pts
• Tournament is here and Miyagi makes Daniel a black belt, by stealing a black belt for him. = +30pts
• Daniel gets tormented by one Cobra Kai who we’re pretty sure didn’t have a name. He came up with the ultimately clever name Danielle to make fun of Daniel. That and dead meat. = +14pts
• Daniel makes it to the semi-finals, but then GASP trickery! The hero is down! What will happen next! How will he be able to clean Myagi’s gutters! = +30pts
• Miyagi does his hand-rubbing thing on Daniel’s leg. = +23pts (Yeah, that’s exactly how we’d phrase it.)
• “Put him in a body bag Johnny!” Okay dude, it’s just a karate tournament. It’s not that big a deal. No need to escalate. = +16pts
• Johnny sweeps the leg leading to this awesome song. = +6pts
• Here comes the crane kick! = +50pts
• Crane kick! The most defendable kick in martial arts. = +4pts
• For more about what happened to Johnny you can find out here. = +12pts
• And Daniel wins the girl and the bullies leave him alone and he has the respect of everyone until the sequels! All the kids want to learn karate now. = +15pts

Total Score: +419pts
Available on: Netflix, Itunes, DVD, Ralph Macchio's living room 24/7

The Karate Kid is a wonderful movie. It’s silly, but oddly heartfelt and fun. A timeless classic even though the martial arts is ridiculous, and not accurate to real life at all, but who cares when the acting is this fantastic, the writing this strong (about all things not Japanese). It’s hard not to love this story. So, give it a watch and relive the movies of 1984! Quite possibly the best year for movies.

Score Technician: Nick Enquist