Okay. Time to get serious. After two episodes of wheel spinning, AHS:C begins to move the pieces into place for its season finale. The question is: Does all that spinning get the show back on track, or have Ryan Murphy and Co. dropped the clutch and sent the entire show over the cliff as fast as that Australia guy from Grease 2 did, thus making all of us one giant sad Stephanie Zinone? This is why we leave it science.
- Production assistant reminds Ryan Murphy and Co. that Kathy Bates is the most terrifying thing in the show. His attempt to mitigate this fact by dressing her as Violet Beauregard only increase the horror factor to the scale of one Jason's hockey mask. = +7pts (For being as passionate about the characters on his show, as Wonka was for the safety of those kids in his factory.)
- Two episodes from the season finale and American Horror Story: Coven officially transforms into the American Hilarious Anecdote: Bitches of New Orleans. = -12pts
- Myrtle's effusive Ruth Reichle-like praise of Kathy Bates' poop bisque. = +5pts
- For the first time in Scorecard history a show/movie approaches its own event horizon: Kathy Bates clipper scene is so truly terrifying that any decent human being watching can only wish that every single one of these witches dies a horrible death based on their tolerance of her very existence. +/- Infinity (Nanobots must be rebooted.)
Total Score = +1pt
Season Score = +151pts
What happened? A season that started exceptionally well, with a refreshing amount of female (literal) empowerment, has devolved into a Guignolian exaggeration of the worst of Bravo programming, and has the effect of making one feel like they are trapped in the worst episodes of Real World/Housewives. The "men" that the women of this show are only tangentially scared of are a laughable flock, their complete incompetence an ignorant portrayal of the real fear men can have of women. As a result, one of the main conflicts of the show, the secret gender war, completely lacks stakes and serves as a red herring of the worst kind, since the only real story Ryan Murphy and Co. seem to be interested in telling is that "Bitches be crazy and can't stand each other. Put them in the same house and won't it be fun to watch them kill each other because all they care about is status/fashion/not getting old." The brutalization of many of the black characters is horrific not because of its cultural signifiers (that would require characters who embody that uniquely American trait), but because the show seems to revel in it and not critique it in any real way.
And lastly, YOU BROKE THE MACHINES, RYAN MURPHY AND CO.! YOU BROKE THE MACHINES!! As a result our readers were robbed of scores related to references to Epcot Center, Diane van Furstenberg, knee pads, Benadryl, an Axe Man solo, and the epic phrase "Turds on that!"
Rather than say anymore, I'll leave it to Malachi to sum up our thoughts more concisely.
Score Technician: Sean McConnell