- Zoe’s relegation from main player to background character is made complete when her only role in the episode was to point out the obvious. = +4pts
- Ebony and Ivory, destroying witch-hunters in perfect harmony. = +3pts
- Voodoo deity Papa Negba’s love of cocaine and innocent souls makes him the Dr. Rockso of voodoo deities. = +7pts (He does cocaine!)
- When stealing a baby to appease your voodoo master, why blend into the shadows to sneak in and out undetected when you can instead Xena trill the security team into killing themselves? = -12pts
- Fiona wins a bet against Stevie Nicks that Misty Day will pass out upon meeting her idol in person. = +4pts
- Stevie Nicks gives an unconvincing performance as herself by blandly reading her lines and butchering one of her own songs. = -14pts
- It’s hard to tell if Nan really can control minds, as we’re almost certain that Madison puts her cigarettes out with her vag regardless of the circumstances. = +3pts
- Jazz funeral! = +10pts
- Bringing a dead man back to life before his jazz funeral is even out of earshot. = -5pts (Did they just expect the guy to say to his family, “lol j/k!” and then everything would be fine?)
- While it’s unclear if Madison surpassed Fiona for the title of Supreme, she definitely surpassed her for the title of Supremely Unlikeable. = -4pts
- Making good on her promise to only do good things, Nan forces sociopathic harp-polisher next door to chug bleach. = +6pts
- There’s no better background music than the Theremin to accompany a nervous breakdown. = +11pts
- When a baby-stealing cocaine devil won’t strike an infernal deal with you, you’re fucked. = +4pts
- Baron Samedi… we’re sorry, Papa Legba… gives Nan a new home. At least her departure was on-screen! = -3pts (Sorry, Precious.)
- So does Stevie Nicks just live there in the coven now? = -9pts
Season Score = +151pts
The return of American Horror Story: Coven was fun, but it definitely left a lot of loose ends. The most striking was the lack of detail regarding Madame Lalaurie’s fate. Considering that her headless-yet-animated body was just chilling out in the back room of a homicide scene, there should have been some mention of how Angela Bassett disposed of it. Either that or we’re just left to believe that the cops didn’t think twice about it. Seems legit.
This season has yo-yoed between being a serious drama to a being a spectacle as amazingly ludicrous as Elvis riding a unicorn. With the end of the arc only a handful of episodes away, it’s hard not to be champing at the bit to find out what happens next. While we’re not sure if nanobots are capable of champing, the technicians definitely can’t wait!
Score Technician: T. J. Geise
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