Tuesday, January 28, 2014

American Horror Story: Coven, Episode 12

After last week’s superficially shocking snoozefest broke the nanobots, it took the technician team countless hours to get them recalibrated and ready in time for this week’s episode of American Horror Story: Coven. Will we finally find out who the next Supreme is, or will Fiona just do us all a favor and murder the coven?

  • Explaining important plot details with an old-timey silent film interlude. = +10pts
  • After openly mocking Papa Legba by calling him Beetlejuice and Legabooboo, Fiona flips her wig when Queenie disrespects her. = -4pts (Hypocrite!)
  • We know you’re blind, Cordelia, but put on some damn sunglasses for crying out loud! = -7pts
  • Hell is simultaneously serving and waiting for fast food chicken. = +5pts (Seems legit)
  • Papa Legba loves marshmallows as much as he does c-c-c-cocaine! = +3pts
  • Hell is becoming the tour guide for your own house of horrors. = -4pts
  • Despite begging for Death’s sweet relief for the majority of the season, Madame LaLaurie sure turns into a crybaby when the Grim Reaper’s scythe descends upon her. = -7pts
  • As if the writers forgot what her powers are, Cordelia sees that the future of the Coven is a gruesome bloodbath. = +4pts (We sincerely hope so.)
  • The Axe Man has the jazz fizzled out of his sax. = -4pts
  • The death and return of a grody hobo. = -5pts
  • We’d call the showdown between Madison and Misty a cat fight, but only Thundercats know how to brawl like Misty.  = +9pts
  • Never jilt a fell demon from the hottest hells. = +11pts
  • The Axe Man is given a send-off that will give most viewers (himself included) déjà vu. = -4pts
  • Hell is being a racist tortured by a voodoo queen and a voodoo queen torturing a racist. Kids, think twice before you give a bunch of babies to otherworldly beings! = -7pts
  • And like that, nearly every interesting character is hurled out of the runaway semi truck that this show has become. = -50pts

Total Score = -50 pts
Season Score = +101 pts

American Horror Story: Coven, at this point, can best be summed up as a show that has no idea what the hell it wanted to accomplish. It’s as if everyone involved in the creative process was just making things up as they went along with little concern for the endgame.

Was the Axe Man truly introduced to be the catalyst that brings the Coven together or was he just a mutation of a cool one-off character? Was beardy-weirdy murder husband always secretly working for a clandestine corporation hell-bent on killing all witches or did the writers just think that would be a cool thing to throw in toward the end?

The slapdash storytelling really worked for the first half of the season, but the bouillabaisse that is the show had one too many nonsensical ingredients thrown in to make anyone care about the core plot-point: the selection of the new Supreme. Which witch will it be, and more importantly, who’s going to care? Maybe Spalding will come down in his teddy with his doll-baby and sweep away the competition – at this point, it would not surprise us.

Score Technician: T. J. Geise

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