Wednesday, December 11, 2013

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard's Holiday Gift Guide

The holiday spirit warms even the coldest of hearts, including those of the nanobots at the Progressive Cinema Scorecard. To show our reader appreciation, we’ve assembled this handy gift guide to simplify your holiday shopping. So grab a slice of Kwanzaa cake and join us for the first ever PCS gift giving guide.

Fifi Stole ($258)

  • We love dogs at the PCS but they seem to dislike it when we drape them across our shoulders to exude luxury. This item solves that problem and also instills a sense of fear in your household pets, further establishing your position as pack alpha. = +10pts
  • Its lifeless body will serve as a sturdy reminder for Fido not to piss in the house again. = +6pts
Brooklyn Beard Oil ($29)

  • It’s important for us to know that if our hygiene products ever become sentient, they would listen to the same bands we do. = +4pts
  • See also: Portland After Shave. = +2pts
Library Letter Books ($20)

  • You know what sucks about books? Being able to read them. Thank goodness for Anthropologie and their new book mutilation service. = -7pts
Gaming Helmet ($70)
  • For defying gender stereotypes and showing a female gamer. = +25pts
  • For the above happening only because this item is too batshit ridiculous for anyone to pull off but a hot model. = -10pts
Polar Bear Coat ($200)
  • For that friend who talks way too much about furries, then laughs nervously and says “not that I’m into that or anything!” = -3pts
Tufted Ursine Rug ($498)
  • This Christmas, make family and friends think you killed an adorable baby bear in front of its mother, only for her to meet the same fate. = -12pts
Sweater Pup Cookie Jar ($68)
  • Well, look at this little guy, being such a good boy, in his cute little sweater! Except that it’s not a dog, it’s a cookie jar, and it costs $70. = -5pts
Off the Hook Shower Head ($24)
  • Is he screaming in pain or in the throes of ecstasy? Only the shower phone knows for sure. = +18pts
Rolling Pin and Peg Stand ($138)
  • Rolling pins are great, but sometimes we feel like they’re not exclusive enough. At $140, this item will really show your other cookware that you’ve made it. = +15pts
Hedgehog Boot Brush ($50)
  • Remember that National Geographic special on hedgehogs, which are known for their innate ability to clean boots? Yeah, neither do we. = -3pts
Total Score = +40pts

These items are all available for your gift giving pleasure from Anthropologie and its unwashed sibling Urban Outfitters, a place to get that real New York funky style (Trigger warning: Shia LaBeuof). Because if you’re going to spend money this season on tacky bullshit that no one needs, it might as well be a LOT of money.

Score Technician: Amanda Hemmerling

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