American Horror Story: Coven, Episode 7

American Horror Story: Coven clearly has the good sense (and taste) to take Thanksgiving week off. Because even Americans have a limit regarding the amount of racial violence they can take. The good news is that the nanobots have scored the most recent episode so that you have the most up to date scores before the show returns tomorrow fat on turkey and slave blood.

• Beginning anything with Toto’s Rosanna. = +4pts
• The realization that your masturbation hand has been replaced with the hand of your rape-y frat brother. = -5pts
• Eating your feelings. = -3pts
• Losing a game of quick-hands to a Frankenstein. = -2pts
• Curing racism with the television version of a Sonic. = +3pts (See image above.)
• The Axeman is so sexy he can spend almost a century as a trapped spirit and still walk into a bar and pick up cancer riddled hottie Jessica Lange. = +5pts (For having, literally, mad game.)
• Danny Huston (The Axeman), talking about blowing himself…or his sax. Maybe his penis though? It’s hard to tell… = +8pts
• Sleeping with “the daughter you never had.” = -10pts
• Any flashback featuring Kathy Bates should be accompanied with a blindfold and ear plugs. = +5pts (Seriously, that Sonic burger must be made of some magical shit, yo.)
• FrankenKyle/Tate follows the typical 8-steps that lead one to a threesome with two hot girls. They include… 
1. Being molested by his mother before deciding to...
2. Become an architect in order to save the world from the Army Core of Engineers, and then...
3. Continuing the hero’s path by joining the most rape-y fraternity in all of New Orleans, which obviously leads to...
4. Being dismembered in a horrific bus crash and then...
5. Getting re-assembled by some chick you met at the party you died at and her friend (who, by the way, was raped by all your friends), and then...
6. Returning home to have your skeezy mother take advantage of your new and improved package, which would naturally lead to you... 
7. Bludgeoning her to death and then...
8. Agreeing (a loose term here as you are now, as a Frankenstein, essentially mega-retarded) to a threesome with the (now) zombie rape witch and her friend with the poisoned vagina...  
• ...Which is a story we all know by heart. I mean, is American Horror Story even trying anymore? = +10pts (Because, in the end, hot consensual three-ways are always a plus.)

Don’t let the Ménage a Death bonus score fool you. As hot as that was, Danny Huston and Jessica Lange were really the ones on fire this episode. It’s not every day that an older couple makes jazz and cancer sexy. It just goes to show you how great actors have the ability to elevate what, when spoken out loud, is actually rather ridiculous.

Total Score: +15pts
Season Score: +144pts

Score Technician: Sean McConnell