Tuesday, December 17, 2013

American Horror Story: Coven, Episode 9

With the last few episodes of American Horror Story: Coven hitting on all cylinders, it seemed as if the "mid-season finale" was as good a time as any to stop all momentum and drop the exposition hammer. You know, for those sticks-in-the-mud who only show up to watch the mid-season finales.

  • Nothing helps prepare a young man for witch murder like a nice hot cup o' joe. = +3pts
  • Diagnosing someone with terminal cancer based on their hairstyle. = -2pts (For trying to make us think this is a voodoo power and not simply a killer sense of style.)
  • "Welcome...to the League of Extraordinary Exposition!" = -5pts
  • Nothing ruins cocktails between Coven council members quite like a good exposition. = -5pts
  • Oh, and having your eyes scooped out with a melonballer. That also ruins a good cocktail party. = +2pts
  • Waking up with two new eyes, each from a different person, and your first reaction being "I can see!" And not "Gross!" or "Who were the lucky (insert ethnic/economic disenfranchised group here)?" = -2pts
  • Just in case you didn't recognize Patti Lupone, Ryan Murphy has her sing a song for you. = -5pts (For crossing the Glee/AHS streams. Never. Do. That. Again.)
  • Queenie and Madame LaLaurie: The greatest interracial team-up since Rush Hour 3. = +3pts
  • Headless racist bragging about keeping her eyes closed throughout Roots. = A wash (In 1840, during the actual time of Roots, +50pts, In 2013, -50pts) 
  • Headless racist shedding (unconfirmed?) tears (of racist joy?) at sound of old negro spiritual playing over images of the civil rights movement. = Motives unclear. Nanobots still calculating....
  • If there's one thing movies have taught us, it's that Frankensteins should never be allowed to hug soft animals. = -3pts (Or children.)
  • American Horror Story employs the oldest trick in the American horror playbook and has unstable witchhunter start his murder spree by killing all the black characters first. = -10pts (For being predictable.)
Total Score: -20pts
Season Score: +141

An exposition heavy show that basically serves as a table setting re-cap to the final three episodes of the season, in which the only significant thing to happen is an episode-capping hate crime. Let's hope that the holiday break restores some semblance of order.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

No comments:

Post a Comment