Last week’s Walking Dead premier brought Sean’s longtime fantasy to life by making it rain men (they were pretty well decayed, but that’s fine; he’s not a picky guy), but gave us fairly little in terms of direction for the season. The gang is still holed up in the prison, recruiting new survivors into the community and struggling daily to keep the ever-increasing number of walkers from pushing down the fences surrounding their home. We were introduced to some new faces, and a lot of those new faces got bitten off. What’s this all going to mean long-term for our embattled heroes? Let’s let the nanobots suss that out for us.
- Carl’s friend, who while alive somehow looked like he was simultaneously ten years old and one hundred, rises again following his mysterious death and starts a zombie outbreak in the prison. = +4pts
- In the first ten minutes, we get a throat-ripping, intestinal spillage, and a good old-fashioned head-stomping. Way to get down to business, WD. = +9pts
- A superflu outbreak, guys? Isn’t the one apocalyptic scenario enough for you anymore? You don’t get to also rip off The Stand. = -3pts
- Also, how is this mysterious new doctor guy able to diagnose death-by-superflu just by analyzing the blood spatters on a walker’s face? We didn’t realize that House M.D. survived The Turning. = -6pts
- Little girl who is more upset over her “pet walker” getting put down than over witnessing the death of her father seems poised to carry on the proud Walking Dead tradition of completely intolerable female characters. = -15pts
- Zombie pushed through chain-link fence. = +12pts
- Thanks to the Greene daughter whose name we never bothered to learn, Tom Waits super-fandom continues to survive the apocalypse. = +7pts
- Not sure if it’s a fault of our own or the show’s that we are more upset at Rick using his potentially diseased livestock to draw walkers away from a buckling fence than we were over the countless deaths of nameless human extras. = no points, just an observation
- And with that, Rick’s two-episode-long flirtation with being a pussy comes to an end. = +6pts
- Tyrese’s quarantined girlfriend found dead and burned with another sick survivor in the yard. Now we’re cooking… um. Now we’re getting somewhere. = +8pts
Season Total = +34pts
Things are starting to shape up a little bit. The walker outbreak in the prison and the crisis at fence gave us plenty of sweet living-on-dead violence to quench our insatiable thirst for blood, while the vigilante burning at the end points towards the kind of human drama that the show is sorely in need of. Let’s see if they can keep the momentum going another week.
Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling