Tuesday, October 29, 2013

American Horror Story: Coven, Episode 3

It may have been a Man’s Man’s Man’s World for James Brown back in 1966. But here in 2013, it’s all about a Woman’s Work, as American Horror Story gets to the dirty roots of the witches and their Fuckin Problems.

  • Nothing helps one sleep like a nice stiff drink and memories of their first murder. = +3pts
  • “Gash,” the Victorian version of the word “Cunt.” = -6pts (Come to think of it, “gash” is also the any age version of “cunt.”)
  • Arnold Poindexter is alive and well. He’s also apparently leading a jazz band in New Orleans. = +5pts
  • Not quite sure how FrankenTate found his way from SAT tutoring and supporting his baked hippie mom, to leading the frat “party” bus, but such things are rarely explained in AHS. = -3pts
  • Nothing like watching an immortal racist weep at the sight of a black man being re-elected president. Quick, save her tears! They must be the most exquisite of poisons! = +8pts
  • To say that Misty Day really likes her Stevie Nicks is to say that Rush Limbaugh really loves his illegal prescriptions. = +4pts
  • AHS Survival 101: Fire and Fleetwood Mac have the same repellent effect on a Frankenstein. = +3pts (The more you know…)
  • Watching a young fame whore get totally gash-blocked by a developmentally challenged fellow witch. = +10pts (You can’t get more progressive than that!)
  • It’s official: Ringing the doorbell and dashing is much cooler when you leave behind a Frankenstein, than a bag of poo. = +4pts (To be fair, poo has never actually murdered anyone in a rage of confusion. So there’s that.)
  • Mother becomes suspicious of her Frankenson when she catches a lingering glimpse of his new and improved Frankenjunk, which naturally leads her to want to awkwardly make out with him. = 0pts (The fantastic/ingenious/bold industrious nature of the young witches who made this abomination of nature manages to negate what is an almost an off-the charts negative score. Good job, ladies!)
  • 2 full ounces of baby gravy required for your average voodoo fertility spell!? Who did you marry, Cordellia? James Deen? = +6pts
  • Having sex with the body of a man and the head of the minotaur. Or, as it’s called in Louisiana, the missionary position. = -5pts
  • AHS Survival 101: Never molest a Frankenstein. = +5pts (All of a sudden FrankenTate’s college choices become much clearer.)

Total Points: +34pts
Season Score: +56pts

At this point in the season, it’s worth noting that every significant male character that has appeared in the show so far has either been silenced, muted, or deformed in some way that continues to make this season all about the ladies. That’s not to say women aren’t doing their part for horror, as fringe bestiality and oedipal issues abound! Keep it up ladies! Only all of recorded history to go!

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

1 comment:

  1. If you're looking for the correct PC term, I would suggest changing "developmentally-challenged" to "differently-abled"