Thursday, April 9, 2015

Samurai Cop
Score Technician: TJ Geise

Samurai Cop, a buddy cop action thriller fusion with a throwaway good vs. evil plot, is notorious on the B-movie circuit as being one of the best of the worst. The story goes the titular star Matt Hannon cut his hair before director Amir Shervan could do reshoots, so Shervan slapped a ladies wig on Hannon and called it good. If that alone doesn’t make you want to watch this film, then perhaps reading this scientific evaluation shall.
  • The intro theme sounds like it belongs on our favorite Mega Man level (Metal Man’s stage, of course). = +6pts 
  • The movie opens jarringly on bad guys talking about gang stuff: Robert Z’Dar as Yamashida the Samurai Crook, Quintessential Asian Bad Guy Gerald Okamura as himself, a ginger, and the boss Mr. Fujiyama. = -5pts for a white guy named Yamashida and +10pts for Fujiyama’s mullet. Total = +5pts 
  • Less than four minutes into the movie and there’s a stabbing, a shooting, and a karate fight. = +4pts 
  • Joe the Samurai Cop hits the beat with his partner Frank to bust some coke dealers. Y’know, cop stuff. = +2pts 
  • The Katana Gang’s blue van looks like it belongs less to coke dealers and more to Dr. Krieger. = -4pts (Wait a minute… Krieger is a coke dealer!) 
  • Calling a helicopter both to track down Krieger’s van and to needlessly flirt with the pilot. = -3pts 
  • Cocaine hand-off boat accommodations provided by Eurosail Boat Rentals. = +4pts 
  • The coke boat driver’s Troy Cory t-shirt. = -2pts 
  • Samurai Cop shouts, “Shoot! Shoot him!” more times in succession than the House of the Dead announcer shouts, “Reload!” when you’re out of ammo. = -7pts 
  • The coke van crashes and explodes, setting the middle-aged Hispanic driver aflame. After being extinguished, he becomes a young white man. Not sure if that’s white power symbolism or if the stunt double couldn’t keep his face away from the camera. = -8pts 
  • “I’ll see you back at your place,” says Samurai Cop to the helicopter pilot from the ground to the air without a walkie-talkie. Despite this, it immediately cuts to their awkward and passionless sex scene. = -10pts 
  • Fujiyama demands that the head of the guy Caucasianized by fire be brought back to him and placed on his piano. Samurai Crook’s response is, “I will you bring you his head and I will place it on your piano.” = +9pts 
  • The indescribable nurse scene. = -50pts
  • After his ginger cohort sneaks him into the hospital, Samurai Crook effortlessly decapitates the burn victim gangster and then kicks the shit out of four guys each shouting, “Hey, wait a minute!” = -6pts 
  • When Angry Police Captain doesn’t have the time or patience for Samurai Cop, Frank calms him down, kisses him on the forehead, and then runs away. = +8pts 
  • Angry Police Captain stands pointing his finger for about five seconds too long, sits down, and then gives a big, genuine smile. Either he thoroughly enjoyed getting kissed on the head or he thought he screwed up and expected the second take that never happened. = -11pts 
  • Actual dialog exchange between Samurai Cop and Frank: “What does katana mean?” “It means Japanese sword.” = -4pts 
  • Samurai Cop and Samurai Crook meet for the first time. You could cut the (sexual) tension with a katana, or Japanese sword if you’re not into the whole brevity thing. = +3pts 
  • Samurai Cop’s pro-America, anti-criminal tirade sounds more like ravings from a conspiracy theorist message board than something a police officer would say. = -5pts 
  • To Jennifer, the all-American girl sitting with the geek Fujiyama, Samurai Cop says, “What’s an all-American girl like you doing with a geek like this?” = +4pts 
  • The effeminate Costa Rican waiter’s adorably cheeky attitude about suicide. = +12pts 
  • Samurai Cop samurai chops a dude’s arm off. It’s one of two samurai things he does in the movie and it’s amazing. = +10pts (imbed)
  • To keep in line with his samurai Code of Silence, Samurai Crook blows away his own goons with an uzi and then frags Frank’s car with a grenade. = -7pts 
  • Frank shares a low-five with Samurai Cop for making a joke about how black Frank’s ass is. = -15pts (“It is black!”) 
  • The mounted lion head is the true star of the exposition scene between Samurai Cop and Jennifer. = +4pts
  • Jennifer blows off Samurai Cop’s request for a Sunday date on account of her having to go to church as well as it being her birthday. Rejection double whammy! = +3pts 
  • Making another joke about Frank’s black ass, only this time throwing in a bonus joke about his dick. = -20pts 
  • Helicopter pilot offering to boredom-fuck her middle-aged partner. = -6pts 
  • Okamura’s love scene is just long enough for a good hard look at his thong-clad junk. = -7pts 
  • Samurai Cop’s inability to open a sliding glass door gives Okamura enough time to alert his crew to the intrusion, get dressed, grab his briefcase, and then run the hell away. = -5pts 
  • The empty click of a bad guy pulling his gun’s trigger before being shot my Samurai Cop tells us one of two things: either the bad guy forgot to load his gun or the prop guy forgot to load the gun with a blank. Either way, Samurai Cop totally shot and killed a defenseless perp. = -10pts and another -5pts for the bad guy being black. Topical total = -15pts 
  • With the Defender arcade cabinet and the beads draped above his kitchen entryway, Okamura’s house seems less like a gangster hideout and more like an Airbnb crash-pad. = +6pts 
  • The random guy sitting on top of a car watching Samurai Cop shoot a guy on a roof. = +5pts 
  • After cornering Okamura, he and Samurai Cop square off in a fight that takes place over three totally different landscapes. = -9pts 
  • Not doing another take when we find out that Samurai Cop’s wig isn’t fastened as securely as it should have been. = +6pts 
  • When Okamura overpowers Frank and grabs his gun, Samurai Cop shoots him and then dejectedly says, “Well, this one’s dead too -- not captured alive.” = -12pts 
  • Samurai Crook and Fujiyama talk about hiring a New York hitsquad to take out Samurai Cop. Immediately cut to Samurai Cop systematically gunning down the New York hitsquad. = -7pts 
  • When the fifth hitman makes a break for it, Samurai Cop jumps down from a roof as if to give chase. Immediately upon his landing, the scene changes to the ginger disrobing and sexing up Samurai Crook. = -10pts (PS: she’s not a natural ginger)
  • Samurai Cop “bumps in to” Jennifer outside of church and then takes her back to his place under the guise of police interrogation. No means no, Samurai Cop! = -9pts 
  • When Jennifer coyly remarks how much trouble Samurai Cop went to making her dinner, he goes into great detail about how he stole, killed, and cooked one of his neighbor’s chickens just to impress her. Throw wine in his face and get out of the house, Jennifer, while you still can! = -8pts 
  • Samurai Crook breaks into the middle-aged cop’s house, slashes his wife’s throat, stabs him in the gut, and then leaves as the cop uses his last breaths to calls his dead wife’s name before collapsing at her side. Immediately transition to the scene of Samurai Cop and Jennifer both clad in bikinis and walking to the beach. = -30pts 
  • Frank gets jumped by bad guys who want to ask him questions. When Frank asks if the questions are about his butt, one guy whips out a switchblade and threatens his “black gift.” The bad guys don’t stay alive for very long. = +5pts 
  • Samurai Crook pours hot grease all over (what we can only assume is) the helicopter pilot’s chest and genitals. Unsurprisingly, no one has their way with her afterward. Even so, that’s not worthy of a positive. = -8pts 
  • Samurai Cop half-heartedly sings the Birthday Song while presenting Jennifer with a chocolate cake. Yeah, he’s still wearing a Speedo and, yeah, this immediately transitions into a drawn-out sex scene. = -13pts 
  • No sooner than after he’s tipped off about bad guys coming for him, Samurai Cop peels back a curtain and sees bad guys coming for him. = -2pts 
  • Samurai Crook nearly falling through the garage door. = +3pts 
  • Angry Police Captain doesn’t give a fuck about losing his pension, he just wants Samurai Cop and Frank to kill the entire Katana gang so they can just turn in their badges and be done with it. Frank and Samurai Cop could not be more stoked. = +6pts 
  • When Samurai Cop asks Frank why he went under a fence instead of jumping over it, Frank responds, “‘Cause I’m an undercover cop.” = -7pts 
  • Obligatory slow motion shot of a guy firing his gun in the air as he dies. = +2pts 
  • One point for each person immediately gunned down after attempting to kill Samurai Cop and Frank, including the ginger, Fujiyama, a guy in sweatpants, and this dumb motherfucker: +14pts 
  • Samurai Cop and Samurai Crook square off and swing their swords around as fast as possible, and then faster-than-possible thanks to the modern marvel of filmmaking that is fast forward. = +5pts 
  • The two fighters attempt to disarm one another, but instead look like they’re taking one steamy selfie. = +6pts
  • Saying, “You lost... you lost face,” to a man with a medically-legitimate facial condition. = -7pts 
  • Frank stops Samurai Cop from killing Samurai Crook by shouting, “No, Joe! You’re a cop!” Where was that line three dozen dead bad guys ago? = -10pts 
  • Samurai Crook commits seppuku to die with honor. Cut immediately to Samurai Cop and Jennifer back on the beach, smooching in their bikinis. The end! = -16pts 
Total points: = -201pts
Availability: Amazon streaming, midnight matinees, and Robert Z’dar’s resume

From the reckless police brutality to the racist jokes to the absurd nudity, Samurai Cop is the epitome of everything that’s wrong with an action movie – and it’s fantastic for it. The overdubbing, overacting, and overwigging make this film The Room of action flicks. And like The Room, Samurai Cop is the sort of hilariously baffling movie that only gets more entertaining the more times you watch it. When you do watch it, do yourself a favor do so with a scorecard in hand (and the Joe Bob Briggs commentary track)!

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