Score Technician: TJ Geise
After last week’s dong-less Game of Thrones set the tone for this season, we know that we can at least expect that for the second episode.
- The “Last time on Game of Thrones” recap was necessary after a year off, but if they plan on putting it at the start of every episode then it’s going to get old fast.= -4pts
- Making a treacherous journey across land and sea to the fabled house of assassins only to get stone-cold dissed by the gatekeeper. = +6pts (For being a pretty great burn.)
- Arya’s death mantra being narrowed down to four. =+4pts
- Brienne demonstrates her strength of loyalty by giving Sansa and Littlefinger the creep out with her stalkerish conviction. Brienne: “Hey, so I know we just met, but Sansa, I’m going to pledge my fealty to you forever and no one will take you away from me.”
Sansa: “Like, ew, no.”
Littlefinger: “lol u suk” = -3pts
- Pod putting his life into jeopardy with his inability to control a horse is played for laughs. = +2pts
- Brienne demonstrates her strength of physique by chopping through another guy’s sword and into his shoulder. = +5pts
- Jaime Lannister’s threat detection not firing after watching Cersei open a box from the Martells containing their daughter’s amulet dangling from the jaws of a red viper statuette. = -2pts
- Cersei immediately calling Jaime out on being a dumbass. = +4pts
- As if out to prove how much of a dumbass he truly is, Jaime announces his mission to reverse kidnap his niece-daughter from the Martells. = +5pts (Because this is the sort of dumbassery we can get behind!)
- After spending a few minutes with Bronn’s betrothed, we can see why the ex-mercenary agreed join Jaime’s quest. = +3pts
- After Ellaria grief-nags Doran Martell (played by a sad-looking Dr. Bashir), the guardsman eyes his ornate long-axe in a way that sums up what we were all thinking. = +3pts
- Stabbing a guy through a wall. = +5pts
- One point for every witty barb exchanged between Varys and Tyrion on their Super Awesome Best Friend Road Trip. = We lost count… let’s just say +10pts
- Tyrion musing that Cersei can’t kill every dwarf in Westeros in the hopes of getting to him. Smash-cut to a severed dwarf slamming head onto a table in front of Cersei. = +6pts
- We here at The Progressive Cinema Scorecard know mad scientists pretty well. As such, when Qyburn requested the severed head for his research, we knew he was going to turn it into a hilarious hand-puppet instead. = +3pts
- You can practically hear Cersei moisten after her uncle tells her to fuck off. = -4pts
- Bonding with the little girl teaching you how to read by telling her anecdotes of how the same disease she’s afflicted with turned your sisters into monsters that your dad took out into the woods and killed. = -5pts
- After being given the option to wipe his bastard slate clean, Jon Snow showed an emotion other than mopiness for a moment so brief that the human eye barely registered it. = +2pts
- When you can make a blind maester giggle at a pee joke, you know you’ve landed the most scorching of burns. = +5pts
- Decapitating a pigeon with the swift grace of a ballet dancer (who happens to be homeless and starving). = +3pts
- Enforcing a law on a people who obviously don’t want that law to be enforced and then acting surprised when they start rioting in response. = -12pts
- That moment when even your dragon doesn’t have time for your bullshit. = +4pts
Season Score = +50pts
This episode felt like an extension of the season premiere, but not necessarily in a good way. Yeah, this guy said that, and these people went to that place, sure, but this is just a side salad when you know the entree is still on its way. It’s nice to see that plans have been set into motion, but we know how much HBO likes to pile on the sub-plots. Hopefully the third episode will focus more on the exciting ones already set into motion and less on adding more to an already full plate.
While we know it’s impossible for the showrunners at HBO to have read Sean’s treatise on last week’s episode, we still somehow feel responsible for the lack of any sex in this week’s episode. We can’t complain about there not being any dong in situations where there shouldn't have been dong… or could we? Here’s a short list of alternative scenes where hanging trout may not have been inappropriate just to show how deep this dong-spiracy runs:
- Titan of Braavos upskirt shot.
- The House of Black and White gatekeeper answering the door with his robe open.
- Littlefinger asking Sansa for a footski in the tavern.
- Podrick tearing the crotch out of his pants when he falls off the horse.
- Jaime chili-whipping Cersei.
- Bronn silencing his talkative girlfriend with a hot shot of Vitamin B.
- Doran Martell half-heartedly fapping while gazing upon the lands of Dorne.
- The guy who was stabbed through the wall was Donald Ducking it.
- Tyrion ending the verbal duel with The Spider by whipping his lad out and making the eunuch cry from shame and loss.
- Qyburn making tender love to the dead dwarf’s head.
- The Night’s Watch having a circle jerk in celebration of their new commander.
- A brief snippet of dragon dong as Drogon takes to the skies.