Thor

Score Technician: TJ Geise

With the success of Iron Man creating a hype train for The Avengers (which, spoiler alert, totally lived up to expectations), Marvel turned their gaze on other Avengers to capitalize upon for entertaining the masses.

With his iconic flaxen locks, winged helmet, and mighty hammer Mjolnir, Thor, God of Thunder and Rock ’n’ Roll, has been a staple of the Marvel universe since the early ‘60s. Though a founding member of The Avengers, he’s had little mainstream success outside of nerd culture (and ‘80s culture if you count Adventures in Babysitting and The Incredible Hulk Returns). As such, it’s shocking that a Thor live-action movie was ever greenlit, let alone directed by Kenneth Branagh.

Starring two actors new to Hollywood, Australian soap star Chris Hemsworth as Thor and English theater actor Tom Hiddleston as Loki, alongside big names such as Natalie Portman as Jane Foster, Stellan Skarsgård as Dr. Selvig, and Anthony Hopkins as Odin, Thor seems like the perfect blend of fresh and familiar. But just how does fresh-familiar stand up to the unwavering gaze of science? The nanobots yearn to bathe in the handsomeness of the Thunderer, so who are we to stop them?

• Opening a movie about the Norse God of Thunder with three scientists doing science out in the New Mexico desert. = -3pts
• “I am not dying for six college credits!” = +4pts
• Running over a blonde space man with your Jeep. = +3pts
• Not only are gods and aliens real, but they’re one and the same. They also all have English accents (except for the inexplicably Japanese guy played by Ichi the Killer’s Kakihara). Coast to Coast AM is gonna have a field day with this one. = +8pts
• Anthony Hopkins as Odin doing battle against an army of Frost Giants. = +3pts (Not as amazing as it sounds.)
• Asgard looks like the start of a Paramount Pictures film. = -2pts
• Rene Russo disapproves of Thor’s showboating. = +3pts
• Anthony Hopkins switches to “just reading my lines” mode when talking about Mjolnir. = -5pts
• Summoning The Destroyer, a weapon designed to fight the most powerful forces in the Marvel universe (including this guy), to evaporate Jotun burglars seems like using an atomic bomb to rid your house of mice. = -7pts
• Odin yells at Thor for being too brash. Immediately cut to Thor flipping a table. = +4pts
• Getting your supporting cast of friends to accompany you on a fool’s errand is as simple as jovially reminding them how useless they all are without you. = -6pts
• Whenever you think of a badass space Viking, you’ll think of Idris Elba as Heimdell. = +15pts
• Bifröst is significantly more awe-inspiring as a rainbow laser death cannon that transcends the boundaries of space and time than as a rainbow bridge. = +8pts
• When the king of the bad guys is gracious enough to let you escape with nothing more than wounded pride, doesn’t it make you a bad guy to joyfully slaughter his people? = -9pts
• Yeah, alright, who cares about moral quandaries when there are guys fighting with cool weapons. = +5pts
• Not only does Thor continue fighting while his friends desperately try to escape the clutches of an ice monster, but he inadvertently makes their escape harder by crumbling their escape route with his super moves. = -8pts
• After vanquishing dozens of Jotun, Thor kills the ice monster with a single blow from his hammer. That sounds badass until you remember Thor could have done this at any time instead of letting the monster nearly kill all of his friends. = -11pts
• Kenneth Branagh directorial signature: people going from talking normally to DRAMATICALLY SHOUTING. = -3pts
• Just when you think Thor’s not going to face any repercussions for being a 1000-year old douche canoe, Odin strips him of his magic powers and exiles him to Earth. Talk about getting grounded! (Cue laugh track). = +6pts
• Tasering the God of Thunder. = +5pts
• Having your berserker rage suddenly halted by a needle in the ass. = +7pts 

 

• Hitting a blonde spaceman with your Jeep...again. = +3pts
• Having a tailgate party to pull a magical space hammer from the ground. = +4pts
• Stan Lee cameoing as the good ol’ boy using his pick-up to unsuccessfully pull Mjolnir out of its crater. = +5pts
• Thor walking around shirtless, presumably to justify licensing Shirtless Thor merchandise. = +6pts
• Telling your adopted son that he was nothing more than another bargaining tool in your truce with the Jotun and then falling into a coma when he grows understandably upset. = -7pts
• Thor’s love of coffee is unrivaled. = +6pts

• Posting a photo of the God of Thunder to Facebook. = +2pts
• Pronouncing Thor’s hammer as “Meow Meow.” = +6pts
• Having research, equipment, and the iPod you just downloaded 30 songs to be “borrowed” by SHIELD. = -3pts (But don’t worry… they’re the good guys.)
• Loki’s first act as the new king of Asgard is to tell his friends to feck off. = +5pts
• Walking into a pet store to buy a horse (or a bird, dog, or cat large enough to ride). = +8pts
• Thor fails his stealth check, but rolls natty 20s on every SHIELD agent within punching range. = +4pts
• Hawkeye shows up just long enough to develop a man-crush on Thor after watching him mud wrestle a big burly guy in the rain. = +5pts
• Humanizing Thor just enough to make us feel sorry for him when he can no longer lift his own hammer. = +3pts
• If Thor’s shirtlessness didn’t do the trick, Loki rocking a suit-and-scarf combo certainly will. = +5pts
• Dr. Selvig gets blotto with the deity his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather feasted on sacrificed meat in honor of. = +4pts
• Natalie Portman’s happy sunshine man t-shirt. = +2pts
• This exposition scene brought to you in part by Kashi GOLEAN Crunch! Kashi GOLEAN Crunch!: giving vegans uncontrollable flatulence since the early aughts. = -3pts
• Having your years of astrophysics analysis undermined by the God of Thunder showing you that the universe is all just part of Yggdrasil. Heavy stuff, man. = +5pts
• Heimdell giving zero fucks about Thor’s friends disobeying Loki’s orders and rainbowing themselves to Earth. = +8pts
• Hanging a lampshade on how silly Thor’s friends look... = +6pts
• ...but in doing so calling a Japanese guy Jackie Chan. = -4pts
• That moment when Thor realized that Loki lied about Odin being dead. = +2pts

• Freezing a badass space Viking in place as he was scant inches from cutting your head off. = +4pts
• Automatically assuming that a walking suit of armor was created by Tony Stark. Way to sell the brand! = +4pts
• This scene of The Destroyer wading through the flames of an obliterated 7-11 brought to you in part by 7-11. = +4pts
• Not only can The Destroyer shoot lasers out of his face, but he will mollywhop you at Twister. = +3pts
• Thinking that stories will be told of the day that you died defending a tiny desert town from a suit of laser armor. = -2pts
• Thor missing the opportunity to shout, “I have the power!” after regaining his godhood. = -3pts
• Thor proving that a big metal man is no match for a thunderstorm. = +4pts
• Joining the Avengers on the contingency that SHIELD give your girlfriend her lab equipment back. It’s the simple things. = +2pts
• Going from murdering the king of the bad guys to unleashing Armageddon upon the planet of the bad guys all to impress your dad. = -5pts
• Thor pinning down Loki by setting Mjolnir on his chest is the ultimate act of sibling dickinessness. = +4pts
• Loki fulfills every emotional teenager’s fantasy by letting himself fall into the endless chasm of oblivion rather than deal with his father’s disapproval. = -3pts
• Not only will Thor return in the Avengers, but so will Dr. Selvig’s sinister subjugation showcased in the stinger. = +2pts

Total score: +103pts

Available: Amazon, Asgard, Avengers movie marathons

Despite a kaleidoscope of scenes featuring Thor being a self-centered jerkface, Thor stands as one of the better non-Iron Man Marvel movies. Though the plot and action are pretty standard fare, the character interactions and dialog are a cut above what one would expect from a superhero action movie.

As for developing Thor’s character, it’s satisfying to watch him transform from a brash show-off to a guy who’s just trying to deal with being a regular schlub to the hero we all knew him to be. He’s come quite a long way from since his days in Twisted Toyfare Theater, that’s for sure.


Last, but not least, you get to see Chris Hemsworth without his shirt on. Science likes that. Science likes that a lot.

Guardians of the Galaxy

Score Technician: Andrew Daar

 

The PCS kicks off its Marvel coverage with the 10th film from Marvel Studios, Guardians of the Galaxy. Why Guardians? Maybe because it's the first one to not prominently feature characters with at least some level of general recognition; even before Marvel Studios made Iron Man one of the most popular heroes in their stable, most people were at least aware he existed. Not so with Star-Lord, Gamora, Drax the Destroyer, Rocket Raccoon, and Groot. Marvel had a lot of heavy lifting to do with this film, as it had to introduce the five characters to audiences completely unfamiliar with them, tell a story, and leave room for references to the larger universe. Did they succeed and prove that nearly any comic book property can be translated to film under the right circumstances?  Or did Marvel end up with another Howard the Duck?  The nanobots are hooked on a feeling…

• Blatant product placement for the corporation that [at the time] wouldn’t let Marvel use Spider-Man in the MCU. = +4pts (For give-no-fucks irony.)
• Our first glimpse of the present day is of a solitary man alone on an abandoned planet, scored with somber music. Time to put on some jamz! = +6pts
• It’s ok if you don’t know who the Guardians of the Galaxy are.  The residents of the MCU don’t either. = +4pts
• If this peace treaty is going to be a big part of the plot, you’re going to have to give us more than a passing mention on the space news. = -5pts
• Ronan’s ship should be named the S.S. Exposition. = -3pts
• For casting a delightfully misanthropic anthropomorphic raccoon. = +5pts
• Movie, you keep mentioning this peace treaty like it’s supposed to mean something. = -3pts
• “Relax pal, it’s cool to have a code name.  It’s not that weird.” = +4pts
• Fine! If the parties to the peace treaty don’t care about it, we won’t either. = -2pts
• Expository processing scene. = +3pts (For being about something we want to hear about: our heroes.)
• OOGA CHAKA OOGA CHAKA! = +6pts
• Peter Quill may be a womanizer, but he’s definitely not a racist. Er, a xenophobist. = +4pts
• “I would lower your voice, Accuser!”  Is it really that unfathomable that someone nicknamed “the Accuser” would, you know, accuse loudly? = -2pts
• Thanos' main power seems to be pissing off everyone around him. If he can afford to lose such powerful allies, he must be a badass. = -4pts
• Never leave prison without your jamz! = +2pts
• Bombs for everyone! = +4pts
• “You got issues, Quill.” = +6pts
• “First you’re going to tell me what this orb is and why everyone cares about it.” Well, you see, there’s this film concept called a “MacGuffin…” = -2pts
• Unfortunately for the Broker, Yondu speaks fluent bullshit. = +4pts
• Five years ago, who’d have thought that we’d get such a direct reference to the Celestials in our mainstream comic book films? What a world we live in. = +7pts
• “Pelvic sorcery.” = +7pts
• We agree with Gamora, though. No pelvic sorcery with womanizers. = +5pts
• Glenn Close as Nova Prime, Benicio del Toro as The Collector. These respected actors are totally owning their roles. = +10pts
• Del Toro’s whole role in this movie is to set up The Avengers: Infinity War. = +6pts (Because we love it any way.)
• “Why would you want to save [the galaxy]?” “Because I’m one of the idiots who lives in it!” Say what you will for films with super-high stakes, Quill makes a convincing argument for why we should give a crap. = +5pts
• Aw, Rocket really does care. = +4pts
• Drax realizing that the quest for vengeance only leads to ruin.  It’s getting dusty in here.  +7pts
• “YOU’RE! MAKING! ME! BEAT! UP! GRASS!” = +6pts
• Thanos! Do something! Prove your terrifying power!…or, just sit on your throne. Whatever.  It looks like a comfy throne. = -4pts
• Nebula and Gamora both make reference to their hatred for Thanos because of what he turned them into. = -10pts (For not having more scenes of them commiserating.)
• Quill has 12% of a plan. = +12pts (+1pt for each percentage point.)
• Guardians of the Galaxy? Or Jackasses of the Circle? = +8pts
• No one’s 100% a dick, but there are 100% asses. = +5pts
• Doesn’t a Kree invasion of Xandar violate that peace treaty or something? = -1pt (Looks like that lack of specificity is really paying off!)
• “No one talks to my friends like that.” = +8pts
• Wait, if Drax is completely literal, does that mean he really thinks Gamora is a whore?  That’s…not good. = -7pts
• Shut up about the peace treaty, Ronan, no one cares. Just get to the fireworks factory. = -4pts
• We are Groot. = +10pts
• Is this about vengeance or spreading your religion?  Make up your mind, Ronan! = -5pts
• “Probably good we didn’t deliver [Quill] to his dad like we was hired to do.” Ooh, foreshadowing the sequel! = +6pts (In most other movies, this would be a negative, but we’ve come to expect this in the MCU and be rewarded by it.)
• “Your mother was of Earth. Your father was very different.” Ok, now you’re just messing with us, Marvel. = +3pts (Because they know we love it.)
• “Of course, Ronan was really a puppet. It’s Thanos I need to kill.” = +1pt (Okay, now you’re pushing it, Marvel.)
• That’s some A+ trolling there, Quill.  Er, we mean, Star-Lord. = +4pts
• DANCING BABY GROOT! = +9pts
• Bonus scene: Howard the Duck? Marvel, you made the stinger to the movie immediately preceding The Avengers: Age of Ultron nothing but a silly cameo by Howard the Duck? One of the worst comic book movies ever made? Actually, you know what? If a new MCU-based Howard the Duck was made, Marvel’s been on such a hot streak, we’d assume it would be good until proven otherwise. JUST KEEP TAKING OUR MONEY, MARVEL! = +8pts

Total Score: +167pts

Guardians of the Galaxy is best described as “fun.”  The film nails its “jokey swagger masking genuine heart” tone with such confidence that it’s hard not to be charmed by the amount of charisma on display. Chris Pratt cements his leading man status, Vin Diesel reminds us that he can imbue intense emotion into the sparsest voiceover dialogue, Zoe Saldana and Bradley Cooper bring their already proven acting chops to characters that could seem silly or two-dimensional in the wrong hands, and Dave Bautista proves that not only can he act at all, he can act well enough for this movie.

Having said all that… the plot is a standard MacGuffin hunt, and the film could care less about the intergalactic politics that set the villain’s plan in motion. The film devotes multiple scenes to set-up for both Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (coming in 2017) and The Avengers: Infinity War: Parts 1 and 2 (coming in 2018 and 2019). Whether those bother you, will depend on what you’re looking for from the movie. If you’re looking for an original story with something to say, the MCU’s Captain America: The Winter Soldier is much more satisfying.  But if you want to watch a fun and funny space adventure with a style all its own, Guardians of the Galaxy will provide you with a lot of entertainment. So sayeth the nanobots.

Daredevil Season 1, Episodes 1 - 4

comingsoon.net

Score Technician: Nick Enquist

There’s no denying that Marvel is now ruling the cinematic world. With roughly two big action packed films a year, Marvel’s crown seems to firmly placed on its head as “King of all Movies.” However, television success seems to have eluded Marvel. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is considered mediocre at best, and audiences seem to have forgotten all about Agent Carter. But, back in 2013, Marvel and Netflix struck a deal to create five new shows based off of Marvel properties; the focus being on Marvel’s “street level” characters. And what better way to start off than with the Man Without Fear himself? So here's Daredevil. Is this the show that will finally allow them to triumph over yet another medium? Or is the show forever tainted by Ben Affleck's 2003 outing? Let’s check with our binge watching nanobots to find out.

Episode 1

• Opening your show with having a father discover that his kid was blinded by radioactive chemicals after saving an old man's life. Pretty ballsy to start the show with a small child screaming in agony. = +6pts
• Using confession to ask forgiveness for what you're about to do. It’s been years since Sunday school, but we’re pretty sure Jesus doesn’t work like that. = -2pts
• Donning a simple a black outfit to take on a group of armed human traffickers with your bare hands. = +9pts
• Being woken up by your law partner (Foggy Nelson), who also happens to be a former Mighty Duck. = +2pts.
• After acquiring an office in Hell’s Kitchen, Nelson & Murdock agree to defend Karen Page who is being framed for a murder. Considering the evidence against her, she's taking her chances with the lawyers who’ve only been practicing law for seven hours. = +3pts
• Reveling in the fact that there’s a new vigilante on the street, because you're profiting from the collateral damage caused by other superheroes? Damn. The Avengers have got some explaining to do. = +10pts
• Being attacked by a security guard whose daughter is being threatened by a nut who works for a shadowy crime organization/corporation. = +10pts (For making your nebulous conspiracy even more confusing. The nanobots love a challenge.)
• Bailing on your blind lawyer's offer to sleep on his couch so that you can sneak back home to retrieve a copy of the information that got you in this jam in the first place. = -3pts
• Being surprised that someone was waiting there to murder you. = -4pts
• Saving the day! Which in this case means getting your ass cut up and beaten in the rain. = +4pts
• Remembering some inspiring advice from your dead father about not becoming a fighter in order to help you get up and start fighting again…. Wait = +6pts
• Exposing the corporation that’s trying to kill your client, only to watch as crime continues to run rampant through the city due to an ominous figure known as the Kingpin of Hell’s Kitchen. = +6pts (For being good TV.)
• Ending your first episode with human traffickers kidnapping a small boy, while your hero hears his screams in the distance. = +7pts (Next episode!)

Episode 2

• Being discovered in full vigilante garb and passed out in a dumpster by some street rat and an off duty nurse. It’s okay Matt, we’ve all been there. = +4pts
• Drinking with your client because she doesn’t want to go home. = +2pts (Alcohol, the solution to every problem.)
• Helping a beaten vigilante, because he’s helped so many people. = +4pts
• Calling yourself "Mike" when your name is really "Matt." = -6pts (For making a reference only five of us will find funny!)
• Freaking out because you can't get blood out of your carpet. = -3pts (Did you start with lemon juice, Karen? Did you?!)
• Russian mobster pretending to be a cop, thus renewing our hero's desire to pound Russian faces. = +4pts
• Taking your captive to the roof so that you can "interrogate" him. = +2pts
• Throwing said Russian off the roof. = +30pts (For being the first “HOLY FUCK!” moment on the show.)
• Beating up most of the Russian mafia in a one take fight scene reminiscent of Old Boy, and The Raid. = +50pts
• Saving the kid. = +3pts (For illustrating the benefits of the binge model.)

Episode 3

• Opening on a hit man’s job gone wrong. = +4pts
• Hiring Nelson and Murdock. = +3pts (Duh!)
• Courtroom drama with superheroes! = +7pts (Nobody tell Dick Wolf that this idea exists.)
• Hiring the best superhero lawyer on TV and then hedging your bets by blackmailing one of the jurors. Hm, the conspiracy thickens... = +2pts
• Hiring a reporter (and first black character!) to help you look into the company that tried to have you killed. = +4pts (This will end great for first black character!)
• Helping your client avoid death row even though you suspect he’s hiding something worse. = +3pts
• Beating up your own client just so you can get the name of the guy who hired him. = +3pts
• Giving your hitman client a few bucks for a cab so that he can get out of--HOLY FUCK, HE JUST SHOVED HIS OWN HEAD THROUGH A RUSTY SPIKE! = +20pts
• Being a homicidal criminal masterminds with bland artistic taste. = +3pts

Episode 4

• Micromanaging your Russian co-conspirators in their attempts to catch the guy who has been pounding their faces. = -6pts (Maybe if you weren't so micromanage-y, Mr. Fisk, your employees would be happier. And more alive.)
• Asking your art dealer out on a date in the most adorkable way possible. How could anyone so wonderfully awkward, be a crime boss? = +5pts
• The Russian gangsters discover that Claire has a relationship to the masked man, and decide to kidnap her. = +6pts (We smell some face beatings...)
• Adorably rocking that first date. Seriously, how can Fisk be a crazed criminal? He so cuddly and likable. = +5pts (For making us want to pinch his cheeks.)
• Claire's resilience under Russian interrogation. = +3pts
• Beating the shit out of all the Russian mobsters whom you have yet to beat the shit out of. = +6pts
• Deciding to ask your boss for help in stopping the masked man. = -3pts
• Doing so rudely in the middle of his adorable first date. = -5pts
• Hiding your nurse friend in your apartment because, you know, it's safe. = +3pts
• Adorable and sweet Wilson Fisk decides to have a talk with the Russian mobster who crashed his date… And by "having a talk" we meant SQUISHING HIS HEAD IN THE CAR DOOR REPEATEDLY UNTIL YOU SMASH OFF THE TOP PART OF IT!  = +20pts (For not being so adorable about it.)

Total Score: +216pts

This show is awesome. Plain and simple. It’s the best TV show Marvel has ever produced. Time will tell if it's on the same level as The Wire and Game of Thrones with its intriguing character specific stories and action. Each actor brings a great three dimensional performance. The writing is solid. The action is spectacular. It’s a perfect level of dark, without taking itself too seriously. This is a whole new level for the Marvel Cinematic Universe, raising the bar for both TV superhero shows, and Marvel properties. Give this show a watch now! And if you watched it already, watch it again!

comicbookresources.com

The PCS Daredevil Summer Reading List:

Most of the PCS technicians are huge Daredevil fans, and to make this scorecard a little bit more special, we decided to write about our favorite Daredevil comics. And since Nick Enquist started us off, he’ll have the honor of writing about one of his personal favorites.

"God, where to start? There are way too many good Daredevil comics out there, but my personal favorite story would have to be Frank Miller’s and John Romita Jr.’s The Man Without Fear. The story is amazingly well paced, and beautifully drawn, with a level of violence and darkness that is entertaining and fun to read. The book is a retelling of the Daredevil origin story, and was a huge influence for the TV Series. Other favorites of mine are Ed Brubaker’s The Devil Cell Block D where Daredevil gets arrested and jailed for being Daredevil. Think OZ but with vigilantes, and superpowers. The first twelve issues of Brian Michael Bendis’ run are also fantastic, and disturbingly intriguing, and evokes The Godfather and other great mobster movies. And as for current comics starring old horn-head, I cannot recommend the current Mark Waid run enough. Which issues or storylines? All of them!"

Happy reading!

Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 2

Score Technician: TJ Geise

After last week’s dong-less Game of Thrones set the tone for this season, we know that we can at least expect that for the second episode.

• The “Last time on Game of Thrones” recap was necessary after a year off, but if they plan on putting it at the start of every episode then it’s going to get old fast.= -4pts
• Making a treacherous journey across land and sea to the fabled house of assassins only to get stone-cold dissed by the gatekeeper. = +6pts (For being a pretty great burn.) 
• Arya’s death mantra being narrowed down to four. =+4pts 
• Brienne demonstrates her strength of loyalty by giving Sansa and Littlefinger the creep out with her stalkerish conviction.
  
  Brienne: “Hey, so I know we just met, but Sansa, I’m going to pledge my fealty to you forever and no one will take you away from me.”
  Sansa: “Like, ew, no.”
  Littlefinger: “lol u suk” = -3pts 
• Pod putting his life into jeopardy with his inability to control a horse is played for laughs. = +2pts 
• Brienne demonstrates her strength of physique by chopping through another guy’s sword and into his shoulder. = +5pts 
• Jaime Lannister’s threat detection not firing after watching Cersei open a box from the Martells containing their daughter’s amulet dangling from the jaws of a red viper statuette. = -2pts 
• Cersei immediately calling Jaime out on being a dumbass. = +4pts 
• As if out to prove how much of a dumbass he truly is, Jaime announces his mission to reverse kidnap his niece-daughter from the Martells. = +5pts (Because this is the sort of dumbassery we can get behind!) 
• After spending a few minutes with Bronn’s betrothed, we can see why the ex-mercenary agreed join Jaime’s quest. = +3pts 
• After Ellaria grief-nags Doran Martell (played by a sad-looking Dr. Bashir), the guardsman eyes his ornate long-axe in a way that sums up what we were all thinking. = +3pts 
• Stabbing a guy through a wall. = +5pts 
• One point for every witty barb exchanged between Varys and Tyrion on their Super Awesome Best Friend Road Trip. = We lost count… let’s just say +10pts 
• Tyrion musing that Cersei can’t kill every dwarf in Westeros in the hopes of getting to him. Smash-cut to a severed dwarf slamming head onto a table in front of Cersei. = +6pts 
• We here at The Progressive Cinema Scorecard know mad scientists pretty well. As such, when Qyburn requested the severed head for his research, we knew he was going to turn it into a hilarious hand-puppet instead. = +3pts 
• You can practically hear Cersei moisten after her uncle tells her to fuck off. = -4pts 
• Bonding with the little girl teaching you how to read by telling her anecdotes of how the same disease she’s afflicted with turned your sisters into monsters that your dad took out into the woods and killed. = -5pts 
• After being given the option to wipe his bastard slate clean, Jon Snow showed an emotion other than mopiness for a moment so brief that the human eye barely registered it. = +2pts 
• When you can make a blind maester giggle at a pee joke, you know you’ve landed the most scorching of burns. = +5pts 
• Decapitating a pigeon with the swift grace of a ballet dancer (who happens to be homeless and starving). = +3pts 
• Enforcing a law on a people who obviously don’t want that law to be enforced and then acting surprised when they start rioting in response. = -12pts 
• That moment when even your dragon doesn’t have time for your bullshit. = +4pts

Episode Score = +40pts
Season Score = +50pts

This episode felt like an extension of the season premiere, but not necessarily in a good way. Yeah, this guy said that, and these people went to that place, sure, but this is just a side salad when you know the entree is still on its way. It’s nice to see that plans have been set into motion, but we know how much HBO likes to pile on the sub-plots. Hopefully the third episode will focus more on the exciting ones already set into motion and less on adding more to an already full plate.

While we know it’s impossible for the showrunners at HBO to have read Sean’s treatise on last week’s episode, we still somehow feel responsible for the lack of any sex in this week’s episode. We can’t complain about there not being any dong in situations where there shouldn't have been dong… or could we? Here’s a short list of alternative scenes where hanging trout may not have been inappropriate just to show how deep this dong-spiracy runs:

• Titan of Braavos upskirt shot. 
• The House of Black and White gatekeeper answering the door with his robe open. 
• Littlefinger asking Sansa for a footski in the tavern. 
• Podrick tearing the crotch out of his pants when he falls off the horse. 
• Jaime chili-whipping Cersei. 
• Bronn silencing his talkative girlfriend with a hot shot of Vitamin B. 
• Doran Martell half-heartedly fapping while gazing upon the lands of Dorne. 
• The guy who was stabbed through the wall was Donald Ducking it. 
• Tyrion ending the verbal duel with The Spider by whipping his lad out and making the eunuch cry from shame and loss. 
• Qyburn making tender love to the dead dwarf’s head. 
• The Night’s Watch having a circle jerk in celebration of their new commander. 
• A brief snippet of dragon dong as Drogon takes to the skies.

Hopefully HBO will work on these areas of dick opportunity. Until then, we’ll keep on fighting the good fight.

Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 1

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

First, a quick recap: Last season on Game of Thrones...people died. Like, almost all of them.

As the show approaches the event horizon that is the production schedule of the most successful cable drama of all time and the absence of any existing source material from which to take it to its conclusion, we can only sit back and anticipate being crushed by the black hole that will be fans of the show supplanting readers of the book as the most obnoxious person in your office/improv group. Somebody call HR. It's about to get snarky.

Thankfully the nanobots aren't moved by "books." Or "TV shows." Or "schedules." They're just a sophisticated nanotechnology specifically geared towards providing real-time scientific data around HBO's (nay, America's!) fear of dong. If you've ever wondered what the cost of such fear is, simply keep reading.

• Seeing Charles Dance's name in the opening credits. = +10pts
• "Don't be afraid of my father." is the Westros equivalent of "I'll be right back." The moment someone says it, you know something bad is about to happen. = +3pts
• Apparently, in Westeros, many people spent their halcyon days traipsing through swamps hunting dirty swamp witches. = +2pts (For not flashing back to those other halcyon memories. You know, the ones with all of the raping. Because, hey, it's Westeros!)
• Cutting your thumb open so that you can feed a dirty swamp witch with your blood. = -1pt
• Putting eye coins on a dead Tywin Lannister in order to make him seem...more terryfying? = +5pts (It worked!)
• "Flushing the toilet:" A Westeros-ian term used to describe how one might dispose of their fecal matter through the use of any hole/gap in any box/window/door. = +3pts (For valuing sanitation over comfort.)
• Vomiting on the fancy carpet of the man who saved your life. = -4pts
• Chasing that with a goblet of wine. = +8pts
• Oddly enough, "Do Unsullied Dream of Electric Dong?" is one of George Martin's least successful deleted files. = No points just a fact.
• Training the kid who killed your girlfriend on how to kill more of your girlfriends better. = -2pts
• Nothing says romance on The Wall quite like a freezing trip on a rickety-ass gondola of death. = +4pts
• Goth Sansa. = +3pts
• After five seasons of brutality and misery, Game of Thrones finally takes a break from doom and gloom and offers up some comedy in the form of Robin Arryn learning swordplay. = +10pts (Never has a show done a better job foreshadowing a painful death in a more hilarious way.)
• Not wearing shoes to a funeral... = -2pts
• Or an undershirt... = -2pts
• And were assuming underwear as well. = -2pts
• Game of Thrones goes out of it's way to avoid dong by combining two things you never thought should go together: This scene from Armageddon, and this scene from Austin Powers. = -10pts
• Talking about the "war to come" five seasons into a show. = -5pts

Episode Score: +10pts
Season Score: +10pts

Look, almost every season opener of Game of Thrones feels like table setting. You remember the trauma of the last season and you're immediately filled with dread/excitement to jump right back in and be slapped in the face by some unforeseen twist or death. But this rarely happens in the season opener. And, after five seasons, we think it's safe to assume that Benioff and Weiss will, at some point, crush our face with their writerly hands so that they can laugh and bathe in our tears. So be patient and enjoy the amuse bouche that is any scene with Tyrion and Varys.

All that notwithstanding, there are two things that need to be said.

• Stop talking about the "war to come." We are five seasons in. War is already here. At least, we (the viewers) think we've seen a lot of war. Haven't we? If the show is to actually end in season seven (like the showrunners continue to assert, even if HBO seems to be hedging their bets), then this "war" better happen soon. For all we know, it may never happen. We at the SC feel that "war" may be to Game of Thrones, what "communism" was to Clue, a red herring dancing around the periphery, diverting our attention from the real crimes and motives of the characters. At the moment, we are on the fence as to whether or not this is a good thing. Who knows, perhaps we've all been duped by the greatest macguffin in the history or television (and books) because, let's be honest, thousands of pages into The Song of Fire and Ice and "winter is still....(snore) coming." This is the season the show officially lasts longer than America's involvement in WWII. While it's made for great TV, there's only so long we're going to be satisfied with "just the tip." Hey, speaking of! That brings us to...

HBO/America's problem with penis

• At this point, just the tip would be preferable. The elaborate ways in which HBO continues to showcase nude women, while staging laughably Austin Powers-like scenes of naked men, is bordering on the puritanical. In a show that seems to make victims of the virtuous, it feels more and more contrived in its portrayal of sex and the human body. Watching some guy artfully bend his knee while another man goes animal crackers on his privates only shows the audience how disingenuous you are about portraying men as sexual objects. Especially, when you have many (oh, so many) scenes featuring full frontal females. (You can call it a merkin all you want, but if it's a merkin that looks like a vagina. It's a vagina.) Ask any man who's ever rolled over in bed, and any woman/man who's been in bed with that man, and they'd probably tell you that it's called a dong for a reason, because a penis, on average, behaves more like a dong than a rod. It flops. And leans. And dangles. It's part of a body. I'm not sure we even want to get into the physiology of a scene involving men who are supposedly in an aroused (or post-arousal) state. But hey, we did it any way. Watching naked men roll around on each other like shadowed Ken-dolls is actually more disturbing, and sends a pretty clear message about who should be protected in our culture. But protect us from what? Sex? The human body? On a show featuring naked contortionists? Really? Call us obsessive, but it's actually becoming the most distracting thing about a show that attempts to market itself as a "gritty" portrayal of the cost of human impulses. At this point, it's pretty much a drinking game. Every time a naked male character stands to pour himself a drink in front of a strategically placed carafe of wine? Drink! Anytime a scene defies physics by shadowing out/Buffalo-Bill-ing a guys junk? DRINK!! We're not asking for porn here. Stop being weird about it HBO. I mean, we at the PSC hate to use this phrase, but have some balls already.

Samurai Cop

gstatic.com

Score Technician: TJ Geise

Samurai Cop, a buddy cop action thriller fusion with a throwaway good vs. evil plot, is notorious on the B-movie circuit as being one of the best of the worst. The story goes the titular star Matt Hannon cut his hair before director Amir Shervan could do reshoots, so Shervan slapped a ladies wig on Hannon and called it good. If that alone doesn’t make you want to watch this film, then perhaps reading this scientific evaluation shall.

• The intro theme sounds like it belongs on our favorite Mega Man level (Metal Man’s stage, of course). = +6pts 
• The movie opens jarringly on bad guys talking about gang stuff: Robert Z’Dar as Yamashida the Samurai Crook, Quintessential Asian Bad Guy Gerald Okamura as himself, a ginger, and the boss Mr. Fujiyama. = -5pts for a white guy named Yamashida and +10pts for Fujiyama’s mullet. Total = +5pts 
• Less than four minutes into the movie and there’s a stabbing, a shooting, and a karate fight. = +4pts 
• Joe the Samurai Cop hits the beat with his partner Frank to bust some coke dealers. Y’know, cop stuff. = +2pts 
• The Katana Gang’s blue van looks like it belongs less to coke dealers and more to Dr. Krieger. = -4pts (Wait a minute… Krieger is a coke dealer!) 
• Calling a helicopter both to track down Krieger’s van and to needlessly flirt with the pilot. = -3pts 
• Cocaine hand-off boat accommodations provided by Eurosail Boat Rentals. = +4pts 
• The coke boat driver’s Troy Cory t-shirt. = -2pts 
• Samurai Cop shouts, “Shoot! Shoot him!” more times in succession than the House of the Dead announcer shouts, “Reload!” when you’re out of ammo. = -7pts 
• The coke van crashes and explodes, setting the middle-aged Hispanic driver aflame. After being extinguished, he becomes a young white man. Not sure if that’s white power symbolism or if the stunt double couldn’t keep his face away from the camera. = -8pts 
• “I’ll see you back at your place,” says Samurai Cop to the helicopter pilot from the ground to the air without a walkie-talkie. Despite this, it immediately cuts to their awkward and passionless sex scene. = -10pts 
• Fujiyama demands that the head of the guy Caucasianized by fire be brought back to him and placed on his piano. Samurai Crook’s response is, “I will you bring you his head and I will place it on your piano.” = +9pts 
• The indescribable nurse scene. = -50pts

• After his ginger cohort sneaks him into the hospital, Samurai Crook effortlessly decapitates the burn victim gangster and then kicks the shit out of four guys each shouting, “Hey, wait a minute!” = -6pts 
• When Angry Police Captain doesn’t have the time or patience for Samurai Cop, Frank calms him down, kisses him on the forehead, and then runs away. = +8pts 
• Angry Police Captain stands pointing his finger for about five seconds too long, sits down, and then gives a big, genuine smile. Either he thoroughly enjoyed getting kissed on the head or he thought he screwed up and expected the second take that never happened. = -11pts 
• Actual dialog exchange between Samurai Cop and Frank: “What does katana mean?” “It means Japanese sword.” = -4pts 
• Samurai Cop and Samurai Crook meet for the first time. You could cut the (sexual) tension with a katana, or Japanese sword if you’re not into the whole brevity thing. = +3pts 
• Samurai Cop’s pro-America, anti-criminal tirade sounds more like ravings from a conspiracy theorist message board than something a police officer would say. = -5pts 
• To Jennifer, the all-American girl sitting with the geek Fujiyama, Samurai Cop says, “What’s an all-American girl like you doing with a geek like this?” = +4pts 
• The effeminate Costa Rican waiter’s adorably cheeky attitude about suicide. = +12pts 
• Samurai Cop samurai chops a dude’s arm off. It’s one of two samurai things he does in the movie and it’s amazing. = +10pts (imbed)

wow247.co.uk

• To keep in line with his samurai Code of Silence, Samurai Crook blows away his own goons with an uzi and then frags Frank’s car with a grenade. = -7pts 
• Frank shares a low-five with Samurai Cop for making a joke about how black Frank’s ass is. = -15pts (“It is black!”) 
• The mounted lion head is the true star of the exposition scene between Samurai Cop and Jennifer. = +4pts 

yourpopfilter.com

• Jennifer blows off Samurai Cop’s request for a Sunday date on account of her having to go to church as well as it being her birthday. Rejection double whammy! = +3pts 
• Making another joke about Frank’s black ass, only this time throwing in a bonus joke about his dick. = -20pts 
• Helicopter pilot offering to boredom-fuck her middle-aged partner. = -6pts 
• Okamura’s love scene is just long enough for a good hard look at his thong-clad junk. = -7pts 
• Samurai Cop’s inability to open a sliding glass door gives Okamura enough time to alert his crew to the intrusion, get dressed, grab his briefcase, and then run the hell away. = -5pts 
• The empty click of a bad guy pulling his gun’s trigger before being shot my Samurai Cop tells us one of two things: either the bad guy forgot to load his gun or the prop guy forgot to load the gun with a blank. Either way, Samurai Cop totally shot and killed a defenseless perp. = -10pts and another -5pts for the bad guy being black. Topical total = -15pts 
• With the Defender arcade cabinet and the beads draped above his kitchen entryway, Okamura’s house seems less like a gangster hideout and more like an Airbnb crash-pad. = +6pts 
• The random guy sitting on top of a car watching Samurai Cop shoot a guy on a roof. = +5pts 
• After cornering Okamura, he and Samurai Cop square off in a fight that takes place over three totally different landscapes. = -9pts 
• Not doing another take when we find out that Samurai Cop’s wig isn’t fastened as securely as it should have been. = +6pts 
• When Okamura overpowers Frank and grabs his gun, Samurai Cop shoots him and then dejectedly says, “Well, this one’s dead too -- not captured alive.” = -12pts 
• Samurai Crook and Fujiyama talk about hiring a New York hitsquad to take out Samurai Cop. Immediately cut to Samurai Cop systematically gunning down the New York hitsquad. = -7pts 
• When the fifth hitman makes a break for it, Samurai Cop jumps down from a roof as if to give chase. Immediately upon his landing, the scene changes to the ginger disrobing and sexing up Samurai Crook. = -10pts (PS: she’s not a natural ginger)
• Samurai Cop “bumps in to” Jennifer outside of church and then takes her back to his place under the guise of police interrogation. No means no, Samurai Cop! = -9pts 
• When Jennifer coyly remarks how much trouble Samurai Cop went to making her dinner, he goes into great detail about how he stole, killed, and cooked one of his neighbor’s chickens just to impress her. Throw wine in his face and get out of the house, Jennifer, while you still can! = -8pts 
• Samurai Crook breaks into the middle-aged cop’s house, slashes his wife’s throat, stabs him in the gut, and then leaves as the cop uses his last breaths to calls his dead wife’s name before collapsing at her side. Immediately transition to the scene of Samurai Cop and Jennifer both clad in bikinis and walking to the beach. = -30pts 
• Frank gets jumped by bad guys who want to ask him questions. When Frank asks if the questions are about his butt, one guy whips out a switchblade and threatens his “black gift.” The bad guys don’t stay alive for very long. = +5pts 
• Samurai Crook pours hot grease all over (what we can only assume is) the helicopter pilot’s chest and genitals. Unsurprisingly, no one has their way with her afterward. Even so, that’s not worthy of a positive. = -8pts 
• Samurai Cop half-heartedly sings the Birthday Song while presenting Jennifer with a chocolate cake. Yeah, he’s still wearing a Speedo and, yeah, this immediately transitions into a drawn-out sex scene. = -13pts 
• No sooner than after he’s tipped off about bad guys coming for him, Samurai Cop peels back a curtain and sees bad guys coming for him. = -2pts 
• Samurai Crook nearly falling through the garage door. = +3pts 
• Angry Police Captain doesn’t give a fuck about losing his pension, he just wants Samurai Cop and Frank to kill the entire Katana gang so they can just turn in their badges and be done with it. Frank and Samurai Cop could not be more stoked. = +6pts 
• When Samurai Cop asks Frank why he went under a fence instead of jumping over it, Frank responds, “‘Cause I’m an undercover cop.” = -7pts 
• Obligatory slow motion shot of a guy firing his gun in the air as he dies. = +2pts 
• One point for each person immediately gunned down after attempting to kill Samurai Cop and Frank, including the ginger, Fujiyama, a guy in sweatpants, and this dumb motherfucker: +14pts 
• Samurai Cop and Samurai Crook square off and swing their swords around as fast as possible, and then faster-than-possible thanks to the modern marvel of filmmaking that is fast forward. = +5pts 
• The two fighters attempt to disarm one another, but instead look like they’re taking one steamy selfie. = +6pts 

i.ytimg.com

• Saying, “You lost... you lost face,” to a man with a medically-legitimate facial condition. = -7pts 
• Frank stops Samurai Cop from killing Samurai Crook by shouting, “No, Joe! You’re a cop!” Where was that line three dozen dead bad guys ago? = -10pts 
• Samurai Crook commits seppuku to die with honor. Cut immediately to Samurai Cop and Jennifer back on the beach, smooching in their bikinis. The end! = -16pts 

Total points: = -201pts
Availability: Amazon streaming, midnight matinees, and Robert Z’dar’s resume

From the reckless police brutality to the racist jokes to the absurd nudity, Samurai Cop is the epitome of everything that’s wrong with an action movie – and it’s fantastic for it. The overdubbing, overacting, and overwigging make this film The Room of action flicks. And like The Room, Samurai Cop is the sort of hilariously baffling movie that only gets more entertaining the more times you watch it. When you do watch it, do yourself a favor do so with a scorecard in hand (and the Joe Bob Briggs commentary track)!

The Walking Dead Season 5, Episode 16

http://www.twdenthusiasts.com/

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

With the way Walking Dead was firing on all cylinders this season, it was almost inevitable that they'd blow a few out eventually. The second half of Season 5 found Rick & co. taking up more permanent digs in the town of Alexandria, a gated community that seems to have been sheltered from the worst of the zombie apocalypse. Four and a half seasons of protecting those he loves from the dangers of this new and brutal world have transformed Rick into the apex predator, and now both he and the audience are forced to consider whether he is too far gone to live in civilization. It's an alluring question, but unfortunately, in the process of formulating it, The Walking Dead has backslid into some of its old vices: sidelining female characters and forcing others to behave in totally irrational ways simply to advance the plot. Let's see if Kirkman and crew can get their shit together long enough to give the show's most remarkable season the finale it deserves.

• Housekeeping #1: Pretty good half-season bonus. = +40pts (+10pts for each awesome episode) 
• Housekeeping #2: We lost Bob, Tyrese, and Noah this season. It's like someone tipped the writing staff off to the fact that nearly half the cast was black. = -9pts 
• Housekeeping #3: Between accidentally unleashing a hoard of zombies on their base camp at his church during the midseason finale and ratting out the rest of his group to the president (or whatever) of Alexandria, Reverend Detective Carver has officially established himself as the new Laurie, a character with no consistent motivation whose sole purpose for existence seems to be to make the worst decisions imaginable under every circumstance. = -20pts 
• Housekeeping #4: We're also kind of over Sasha's grief spiral. = -5pts 
• The cold open conversation between Morgan and the "Wolf." = +10pts 
• Has Morgan spent all his time training in an ashram between now and the last time we ran into him? His fight scene was something straight out of a '70s kung-fu movie. = +7pts 
• Reason to love Carol #1. Carol explaining to Michonne why she intends to tell the people of Alexandria what they want to hear rather than leveling with them: "Because these people are children, and children like stories." = +3pts 
• Reason to love Carol #2. "We have knives. That's all we'll need against them." = +7pts 
• Admiral Ackbar has an important message for Daryl and Aaron. = +13pts 
• Daryl's triple decapitation by chain. = +3pts 
• Zombie head crushed in car door. = +2pts 
• Reason to love Carol #3. Carol, after utterly emasculating the town surgeon/drunken abusive asshole in his new home: "I want my dish back clean when you're done." = +8pts 
• Morgan really works that staff during his rescue of Daryl and Aaron. Aaron's definitely into it. Ayoooooo! = +4pts 
• Reverend Detective Carver can't even close a gate right. = -10pts 
• Glenn's still alive! = +11pts 
• Rick missing his own show trial because he's too busy exploding walkers' heads with his bare hands. = +14pts 
• Showing up to your kangaroo court hearing covered in the ichor of the living dead. = +6pts 
• Is Reverend Detective Carver never going to die? = -55pts
• After a season-long search, Morgan is once again face-to-face with Rick, only to find him caked in walker brains and still holding the smoking gun he used to execute Dr. Drunken Asshole. If the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme came up during that scene where the two of them stare wordlessly at one another, it wouldn't feel totally out of place. = +5pts 

Total Score = +34pts
Season Score = +357pts

Overall, the season stuck a decent landing. The wrap-up to the Reverend Detective Carver/Sasha grief spiral arcs felt pretty contrived and unsatisfying. Still, the episode featured some truly spectacular zombie kills, and we finally have a name for the mysterious walker-tagging Wolves, as well as a deeper insight into their methods. We're eager to see how that storyline develops in the next season, if nothing else.

El Topo

Score Technician: Paul Bower

Alejandro Jodorowsky’s importance as an absurdist filmmaker is unassailable, but some of his early choices belie a somewhat backward relationship to human sexuality (since we’re the arbiter of that kind of stuff and all). After he made a moderate splash in the art world with the classic piece of surrealism Fando Y Lis, Jodo got enough cash together to make what we can only assume he thought would be a kickass Western. El Topo singlehanded kicked-off the Midnight Movie™ craze in America. It’s absolutely nuts. And the only way you’re going to make any sense of it is by taking along this handy scorecard. Let the nanobots guide you into this sandy hyper-colorful abyss...

• Jodorowksy, wearing an absolutely fabulous all-black leather disco cowboy outfit riding a horse up to a post in the middle of some godforsaken desert with his naked son (played by his IRL son, Brontis)? We like where this is going… = +5pts 
• “You are seven years old. You are a man. Bury your first toy and your mother’s picture.” Now we REALLY like where this is going. = +15pts 
• Oh hell yeah playing a wood flute solo while your poor naked kid buries that stuff. ROLL OPENING TITLES. #dark. = +13pts 

slightly-deranged.com

• Okay, so the first place you visit after telling your (still naked, btw) son to get rid of everything that’s meaningful to him is the site of a truly horrendous large-scale massacre of people and horses (donkeys?). I guess we can still dig it, but that’s a lot of death for your son and his constantly exposed genitals to witness. = -20pts 
• Meanwhile! Up along some spectacular ridge the bad guys have set up a tableau of all the women’s shoes they could find while killing an entire town. Get Lil’ B on the phone it’s a foot party. = -5pts 
• Alright Jorge, do you want to make out with that shoe or shoot it? Okay, both is cool, too. = +2pts 
• Actually, if we were riding a baller black stallion with our still painfully naked and still definitely under-ten-years-old little boy and three truly degenerate gunmen surrounded us we’d do absolutely nothing, too. Checks out. = +7pts 
• Jodorowksy and The Naked One show up at a Franciscan Mission on their search to take vengeance on the massacred villagers, and some rando bandit wearing, like, at least 5 hats starts blowing his nose on an illuminated missal. Nice touch, Jodo. Guess we can mark you down as having grown up in a Catholic country. = +50pts 
• Apparently it gets pretty lonely in the desert, because these banditos are definitely making some conspicuously long-blonde-haired monks into their girlfriends. = -35pts 
• Damn it, more foot stuff! This poor lady at the mission has to dress what we can only assume is a Main Boss called the Colonel and then to repay her he makes her kiss all of his grody minions on the mouth. This dude’s so dead. = -60pts 
• Yep. Still naked. Jodo and his exhibtionist of a son aren’t about to just sit there while a bunch of rowdies have their way with an innocent young woman. = +80pts 
• “Who are you to judge me?” asks the Colonel. “I am God.” Damn Jodo that’s a pretty messed up thing to say to some dude before you cut his genitals off and send him walking out into the desert, just as naked as your son. = -25pts 
• When the lady you saved earlier decides she wants to come along on this journey of vengeance, literally kicking your son to the curb and calmly stating, “Destroy me. Depend on no one.” Yeah, we’re sure that’s helping, dad. = -30pts 
• Oh no, and it’s even worse. The monks take his son to raise as their own. On the plus side, he *is* wearing clothes now. = +150pts 
• Dying of thirst in an endless desert? Why not just shoot some weird big rock while quoting Psalm 42. Instant water fountain! = +52pts 
• After going down on his companion, which allows her to also produce water from rocks (symbolism? At this point, yeah whatever) Jodo finds out there are four more gun masters in the desert that he needs to vanquish. And so it begins. = +8pts 
• To be fair, a plan to find these gurus by tracing a huge spiral across the entire desert seems ill advised. = -9pts 
• So… the first gun master is a blind dude who has no fear of death because it “doesn’t exist” and employs a dude with no legs riding a dude with no arms to be his bodyguards/hairstylists? Word. = +60pts 

thephonograph.co.uk

• While we understand trying to live an exemplary life, shooting your lady friend’s mirror because you think she’s looking at herself too much is a big time dick move, Jodo. Not chill. = -24pts 
• Oh, that’s so sweet. His next master gunman target, instead of killing him, decides to show him how to make matchstick sculptures and “escape himself.” But he’s also got some weird sex thing going on with his mom so we’re not going to get too ahead of ourselves. Oh yeah and the mom only makes monkey noises so that’s something. = -10pts 
• Of course Jodo shoots him dead the first chance he gets. Did you think this was a game? = +40pts 
• Bunnies! The next maestro lives in a huge pen of bunnies and he’s ready to jam some wrecked violin while our hero gets it in with that wood flute of his. Makes it that much sadder that you can already tell Jodo’s going to smoke this dude. = -2pts 
• A little disappointed by this last gun maestro. He doesn’t even want to use a gun, preferring a butterfly net. Also he looks kind of like Art Carney with George Clinton’s hair. Not sure we like where this is going, tbh. = -20pts 
• Movie’s nearly halfway over, guys. Time to kick the Christ symbolism into the highest of gears. I know! His lady companion and her lady lover shoot Jodo in all the same places where Jesus was wounded during the crucifixion. P+E+R+F+E+C+T. = +16pts 
• You know who isn’t going to let our hero just lie down and die? A bunch of children, people with pretty gnarly deformities, and the disabled, that’s who! Let’s drag this crazy sonofabitch into our mole-people lair! = +34pts 
• Not sure why his hair turned blonde but we’re going to keep riding this train til the end of the line. = 0pts 

nytimes.com

• So things are a little bleak in the mole-people underground village, y’all. Not going to lie. A lot of people are basically living in oil drums down there. = -40pts 
• “We are deformed because of the continuous incest.” Jackpot. = +50pts 
• Could do without the old lady sucking juice out of the rear-end of some over-sized beetle. = -30pts 
• Oh, wait. Hold on. Jodo just did the same thing and now he’s enlightened (probably?). = +5pts 
• The end result of his awakening is a desire to cut off all his freaky hair, shave, start wearing a cassock and get to the heavy task of reforming society itself. Killer. = +32pts 
• Bonus points for all sorts of illuminati shit in the town he goes to save. = +23pts 
• Of all the ways to convey the decadence of this town, a scene of a bunch of gross looking older rich women being waited on hand and foot by black slaves is definitely one of them. = -20pts 
• Oh damn Jodo’s son just showed up in his full Franciscan regalia about ready to show this town how not to savagely kill each other in the streets… We wish him the best of luck. = +3pts 
• Although, we’re not entirely sure we want him to succeed since the current church in town is mainly a place where people get together to play Russian Roulette to see who God likes the best. = +100pts 
• So making a go of it at an orgy in the basement of a local bar didn’t go as well as you’d planned? It’s alright, Jodo, take your little-person girlfriend and ask your estranged son to marry the two of you. What could possibly go wrong?! = +20pts 
• Oh no, they’ve unleashed the mole-people onto the town… And they’re summarily shot by all those decadent rich people who can afford guns. Moral of the story, be able to afford guns. = -55pts 
• It’s really quite something to watch an entire town unload on Alejandro Jodorowsky. He’s pretty much super saiyan at this point, though, so soon enough they’re all running for their lives. = +100pts 
• And, since it is 1970 and all, why not top it off with some choice self-immolation? = +1pt 

TOTAL = +481pts
Available on: DVD, thankfully. Although for years the only copies were truly horrendous VHS monstrosities which you should never under any circumstance watch even if you think it’s cool to watch VHS tapes (this is an exception—it’s usually pretty cool).

Giving birth to the Midnight Movie was no mean feat, and it took a psychosexual and thoroughly absurd Western epic made by some crazy Ukrainian raised in Chile to get the job done. El Topo gave him quite a bit of street cred in the nascent scene of truly weird movies with large budgets, and Jodorowsky refined his particular brand of exquisitely beautiful/grotesque surrealism with The Holy Mountain before pretty much completely losing it after a failed attempt to make Dune. His contribution to the visual canon of world cinema is indispensable, but man is it ever weird. If this one piqued your interest (and it damn well better have), you owe it to yourself to grip a copy of his masterpiece, The Holy Mountain. It really is something else.

A Fistful of Dollars

 Score Technician: Alex Pearlstein

Riding out of the desert wastes on a mule and one of the most glorious soundtracks ever recorded, a gun for hire who is either named Joe or nothing at all (Clint Eastwood), sniffs out blood money and incidental heroism as he plays two of the nastiest families you’ve ever met against each other in this film, o supremely holy of spaghetti westerns, A Fistful of Dollars.

• There are many things about this movie that make it great, but it’s the music of Ennio Morricone that makes it legendary. = +77pts 
• No one has ever dubbed a more fascinatingly repulsive voice than that of the crying child in this movie. = - 23pts 
• When you ride into town and pass a dead man with ‘Adios Amigo’ written on a note pinned to his back, then discover the official town greeter is a mad bell-ringer, you may want to reconsider your vacation plans. = +17pts 
• Being forced to jump off your mule and hang onto a sign post; acting like you meant for it to happen that way. = +12pts 
• Having the cajones to search for employment in a town where the coffin maker is the only one making any money. = +8pts 
• Rehearsing your pitch to Don Miguel Rojo out loud to no one in particular as you stride down the middle of Main Street. = +7pts 
• Always apologize to Clint Eastwood’s mule. = +22pts 
• Realizing that the Rojos brothers are wearing dark make-up. = -13pts 
• Sleeping with the bartender on your first night in town. = -3pts 
• Hello, we’re the evil Rojos brothers. Stick around and meet our brother, “Army wagon massacre” Ramon. = +3pts 
• Staging the Rojo’s Spanish villa on one end of town, the Baxter’s gothic ranch on the other. = +5pts 
• Telling someone you’ve “used dead bodies to get out of trouble more than once.” = -5pts 
• Knocking out Tuco, using only bullets, barn doors, and physics. = +8pts 
• Knocking out Marisol. = -8pts 
• At the second appearance of the crying boy, your horror is rekindled. Around the periphery of existence, claws scrape at your consciousness, and a searing pain burns away all the good in which you once believed. Deduct 2 sanity. = -2pts 
• Being exchanged for ransom, and getting slapped by your Mom in front of everyone involved. = -6pts 
• When a man with a .45 meets a man with a rifle… = +3pts 
• Screaming cat running away from gunfight (1:06). = +1pt 
• The use of Esteban Rojo’s laughter to make him extra evil. = +3pts 
• Crushing Tuco with the most giantest barrel of gun powder you’ve ever seen. = +7pts 
• Getting the only bartender in town tortured. = -7pts 
• The Rojos torching the Baxters’ house, shooting the survivors as they come out, all the while laughing – always with the laughing. = +3pts 
• Sneaking out of town in a coffin is going on our bucket list. = +12pts 
• Recuperating in the old mine down the road, building an iron chest plate – also now on bucket list. = +12pts 
• Of all the dubbed voices, the old coffin maker’s is the best. = +2pts 
• Appearing out of the smoke after an explosion – if we can accomplish this one, we’ll throw away the rest of the bucket list. = +17pts 
• Being so overconfident you bet that Ramon won’t shoot you in the head. = +3pts 
• Not shooting Joe in the head. = -3pts 
• The ketchup-style blood used in ‘60s film. = +2pts 
• Joe’s implication that as bad as the Rojos and Baxters were, the Mexican and American militaries are worse. = +13pts (For the sheer ballsiness of it, not because we don’t support our troops. Go troops!) 

Total Score: +167pts
Available on: Amazon rental

If, like us, you haven’t seen A Fistful of Dollars since you were a young’un, it’s worth another viewing. We recall thinking that the fun of the movie was simply watching Clint Eastwood being a badass, but it’s really a jab at the value we place on individualism for profit. We root for Joe because he uses his wit and skill to take out people with fewer scruples than he has, and because he helps out Marisol and her family, but even then, he does so by using her as a wedge to destroy the Baxters and Rojos, and get away with all their loot.

You’ll hear tell that the film is a rip-off of Kurosawa’s Yojimbo, but Leone’s style is so uniquely over-the-top that it doesn’t matter. The combination of Leone, Eastwood, Morricone, and Gian Maria Volonté as Ramon Rojo, one of the baddest movie villains ever, make the movie legendary in its own right. Even the hokey dubbing adds to its fantastic allure. Except for the crying child – forever will he haunt our dreams. Sometimes at night, we wail in a cold sweat, “Where is Marisol? I want to seeeee her!!!” But let us speak no more of it. Let us all appease our mules and stay sharp - focus on the prize. We’ll get rich here or we’ll be killed. There’s money to be made in a place like this.