The Walking Dead Season 4, Episode 15

A penultimate episode, deserves some penultimate scores! So, prepare to be penultimated as the nanobots score the--Look, you get it. Let's just do this already...

• Leave it to The Walking Dead to have the penultimate episode begin with a season of backstory/exposition. You know, in case you weren't paying attention. = -5pts
• Rick smiles! Good things must be just around the corner! = +3pts
• Apparently during a zombie apocalypse, only playground rules apply. = -2pts
• When did Daryl start smoking?! Doesn't he know that can give you zombie? = -1pt
• Zombie Tunnel. = +8pts (For being a more radio friendly punk band name than our previous one: Zombie's Vagina.)
• Glenn shares a hug with...um, T n' A McGee? = +2pts
• The Walking Dead tries to offer an explanation for the whole "zombie in a car" phenomena that has been plaguing the show for four seasons. = +4pts
• It's good to know that not even a zombie apocalypse has the power to rid the world of dirty hippies. = -10pts

Score = -1pt

Season Score = +243pts

We don't know about you, but we generally like our penultimates to last a bit longer and go a bit deeper. The bottle themed episodes of this half-season have been a roller-coaster ride of small character moments, mixed with big swaths of expository dialog, all in an effort to get us to TERMINUS. At this point, it's hard to tell if the season finale will even come close to the mid-season finale. But, if the show has taught us anything, it's that even if the finale doesn't live up to the hype, well have at least two more seasons and a possible spin-off to talk about it.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

From Dusk Till Dawn

From Dusk Till Dawn is what results when you take Quentin Tarantino’s script, give it to Robert Rodriguez to direct, and have pre-Batman, ER star, George Clooney fight a bunch of green blooded vampires in a strip club. While not much of a commercial success, the movie gained cult classic status, spawned sequels, and even a TV series that debuted in March of this year. Is this the work of two film masters? Or the schlock they’ve taken off their resumes? The nanobots will help us investigate.

• Open on a desert in Texas, proving that Robert Rodriguez needs to try filming somewhere that isn’t either a desert or a green screen. = -12pts 
• Recurring Tarantino character Earl McGraw trying to put on his best Tommy Lee Jones impression as he buys a bottle of Whiskey in a convenience store. = +7pts 
• Seth Gecko (George Clooney) and Richie Gecko (Quentin Tarantino) secretly holding the clerk and two girls hostage as Earl McGraw goes to the bathroom. = +5pts
• Earl McGraw somehow not noticing them at all. = -9pts 
• Clooney rocking a cool looking tattoo on his neck and left arm. = +3pts
• Richie Gecko shooting Earl McGraw in the back of the head, because it’s been nearly five minutes in a Tarantino movie and no one’s been murdered yet. = +17pts 
• Gun fight between the infamous Gecko Brothers and the bravest convenient store clerk ever. = +10pts 
• Gecko Brothers burning the clerk then shooting him for good measure, and then leaving as the liquor store burns down. = +9pts 
• Gecko Brothers bickering at each other as they take their hostage into a motel room like real brothers would… you know… if they also killed people. = +3pts 
• “Don’t you ever try and fucking run on us. Cause I got six little friends, and they can all run faster than you can,” a legit terrifying line to hear from Clooney as he shoves a revolver into a hostage’s face. = +29pts
• Discovering that was the same line Schumacher used on Clooney during the filming of Batman and Robin. = -5pts
• Seth Gecko leaving his psychotic brother alone with the hostage that he promised wouldn’t get hurt. = -5pts 
• At a diner meeting, Jacob Fuller (Harvey Keitel) and his two children Kate (Juliette Lewis) and Scott (Ernest Liu) discuss Jacob’s lack of faith after he quits being a minister because his wife died, while we are distracted by the Exposition Fairy floating over their grand slams. = -7pts. 
• Fuller then revealing he has some strange fetish: a real bed, not the RV’s, and (of course) they find one at the same motel the Gecko Brothers are staying at with their hostage. = +12pts 
• The Exposition Fairy comes out again during a news report on the Gecko Brothers with the happiest TV journalist ever. She reveals the brothers have killed sixteen people together and that Richie (remember Tarantino is playing this character) is also a sex offender. Because of course he is. = +8pts. 
• Seth coming back and seeing that leaving his fucked up, rapey brother alone with a hostage was a bad idea, and then asking what’s wrong with him like he’s going to get an answer. = -5pts 
• The brothers (realizing they need a new hostage to get down to Mexico) take the Fuller family with the stern yet comforting words of, “You take your kids, you get in that motor home, or I will execute all three of you right now.” = +13pts 
• Us not thinking George Clooney could be any type of a threat before watching this movie. = +5pts 
• The five drive down to the border in the RV and we meet our first Cheech Marin! Creepy border patrol Cheech Marin. = +10pts 
• After getting through the border they drive to meet their get a way man at the subtly named strip club the Titty Twister. = +25pts
• There is no titty twisting in this movie. = -10pts 
• The neon sign. = +5pts. 
• The amount of naked breasts in this movie. = +17pts (+1pt for every nipple)
• We meet our second Cheech Marin! Creepy door guy Cheech Marin! = +10pts 
• Naming his character Chet Pussy. = +30pts. 
• Danny Trejo as a bartender. = +12pts 
• Obligatory bar brawls, strippers, and whiskey drinkers. = +7pts 
• Horror prop master Tom Savini as a biker named Sex Machine. = +15pts 
• Salma Hayek dancing seductively with a live giant snake, and essentially being the dividing figure of this movie from the gritty realistic first half to the over the top wackiness of the second half. = +56pts
• Making us almost vomit as Tarantino sucks whiskey off Salma Hayek’s toes. = -23pts 
• It’s Salma Hayek though. Everything she does is sexy. She could unclog a sink drain and it would turn everybody on. = +56pts
• The strippers, the bartenders, and even the band revealed to be non-sparkling vampires and start feasting on all the truckers and bikers. = +29pts 
• Amazing practical and special effects and phenomenal make-up creates really cool ferocious looking vampires. = +59pts 
• Vampire Hayek bites Richie Gecko. = +14pts 
• Seth Gecko, the Fullers, Sex Machine, and a Nam Vet (did he have a name?) fight off and kill an assload of vampires in a gore filled action scene. = +39pts 
• Seth kills vampire Richie with a pool cue. = +19pts 
• Vampires turning into green goop after they are killed. = +12pts 
• Tom Savini gets bit. = -10pts 
• Nam Vet gets bit. = -10 pts 
• Jacob gets bit… then finds God. = -5pts 
• Jacob stops whining about losing faith and then does something useful as he starts blessing things and making crosses. And then combining both into the especially religious shotgun cross! = +19pts 
• Seth Gecko and the Fullers enter a little closet, and start making weapons. = +10pts
• Jacob’s shotgun cross. = +5pts 
• Kate Fuller’s pump action crossbow. = +5pts 
• Scott Fuller‘s squirt gun and condom bombs filled with holy water. = +20pts (Laugh it up if you want, but those are probably the best anti-vampire weapons you could ask for.) 
• Seth Gecko’s auto-staker. = -20pts (Sounds awesome, but it doesn’t work. At all.)
• The four fight off all the vampires in a large open room and get surrounded easily, when they could have fought them all in a tight corridor that would have given them a tactical advantage. Didn’t you guys take a history class? (re: 300) = -30pts 
• Jacob turns into a vampire, very slowly. We guess cause he has more vitamin God in him than the rest of them. Scott kills him, because he promised that he would. = +14pts 
• Scott being eaten by four vampires and Kate having to kill him. And with one bullet Scott explodes in a blast of body parts and blood. = +59pts 
• Shooting holes in the wall during a vampire fight to allow for more sunlight to come in. = +19pts (For reviving a classic!) 
• Seth and Kate being ultimately saved by the third and last Cheech Marin! Creepy gangster Cheech Marin. = +29pts (Cheech Marin is never not creepy in this movie.) 
• Seth and Kate go there separate ways, and try to forget this awful ordeal as the camera pans out revealing a giant Aztec (or Mayan actually) looking temple that seems to hold more vampires in it, laying the groundwork for sequels to come. = +45pts

Score: +610pts
Available on: DVD, iTunes

Oh, this is such an entertaining movie. Quentin Tarantino wrote quite possibly the best grindhouse movie ever. Robert Rodriguez has a natural talent for making these lavishly ludicrous moments a reality. And George Clooney and the rest of the cast do a wonderful job breathing life into the insanity. It’s filled with over the top action, over the top acting, over the top special effects, over the top writing, and overall it’s just a fun goofy, vampire-killing movie that everyone can enjoy. It’s absolutely worth the watch.

Score Technician: Nick Enquist

The Walking Dead Season 4, Episode 14

So, it will come as no secret to loyal readers of the PCS that Walking Dead has been in kind of a funk, combining all the excitement of watching a bunch of people wander aimlessly through abandoned countryside with some of the most heavy-handed character development this side of an afterschool special. But this week’s episode promised something a little different, a development that would shock and horrify the blogosphere. Is it enough to shake off the late-season torpor that’s been afflicting cable’s number one drama? Only the nanobots can say for sure.

• Writers are laying the saintliness on Mika a little thick, aren’t they? = -2pts 
• Is that fire off in the distance a remnant of Daryl and Beth’s bender? = -3pts (+3pts for the subtle callback, -6pts for reminding us of the ending to that episode) 
• “My mom used to say, ‘Everything works out the way it’s supposed to.’” Jesus, guys, why didn’t you just paint a target on Mika’s forehead and call it a day? = -8pts 
• Carol, Tyrese, and the kids find their way to an abandoned pecan farm that will in no way transform into a site of unimaginable horror and tragedy by the end of this episode. = +10pts 
• Zombie tag! Your bit! = +3pts
• Lizzie’s freakout over the slain walker reminds us why we never really liked her character. = -7pts 
• Upon spotting a deer in the wooded area near the cottage, Carol hands Mika the rifle and asks her to take the shot. = -2pts (Because it totally makes sense to stake your ability to eat for the night on the will and aim of a ten year old girl.) 
• Zombie burn victim massacre! = +9pts 

• Convincing a psychopathic eleven-year-old who just murdered her sister NOT to kill a baby because little Judith “wouldn’t be able to walk” after she turned. = +15pts 
• Shooting an 11-year-old in the back of the head. = +25pts 
• …But robbing Carl of his rightful kill yet again. = -7pts (See the comic.) 
• Tyrese’s forgiveness of Carol for killing his girlfriend is heartwarming, but feels a little forced. = -3pts

Total Score = +30pts
Season Score = +244pts

A super eventful episode. Child-on-child violence. The loss of another set of surrogate daughters. Tyrese learning the identity of his girlfriend’s murderer. There’s enough legitimate drama packed into these forty-some-odd minutes to mostly make up for its occasional lapse into ham-fistedeness.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

Upside Down

Upside Down asks us whether love can overcome a powerful opposing force. The force of gravity, to be exact. Yes, it’s a metaphorical science fiction film that imagines two star-crossed lovers from different worlds kept apart by social prejudices and the strangest explanation for gravity we’ve ever heard. Does this love story soar, or is it weighed down by its own metaphors?  The nanobots are here to find out.

• “Upside Down Films & Les Films Upside Down Inc. Present…” PASSION PROJECT ALERT!  = -5pts
• Our opening narration is a physics lesson. A pretentious physics lesson. = -7pts
• Matter from one world explodes when exposed to matter from the other world. = +5pts
• The Evil Corporation’s genius scheme is to sell overpriced electricity that the buyers can’t afford. How exactly does that work? = -3pts
• The Evil Corporation refines resources from the other world. Resources that will explode when brought back to the Evil Corporation’s world. This place is full of great ideas. = -3pts
• The whole film is going to be told in voiceover, isn’t it? = -4pts
• Pink interplanetary bees. = +10pts
• This working class woman has discovered a substance that can work miracles and…  she uses it to make flying pancakes. = +2pts (-6pts, for trying to prove Ayn Rand right; +8pts, because flying pancakes would be pretty great)
• Summiting a stratosphere-piercing mountain is child’s play. = +6pts
• The lead’s first gift to his true love is an object that will shortly burst into flames.= +4pts
• How long until the food from the other world bursts into flames inside Adam’s stomach?  = +3pts
• These interplanetary bees are going to be the key to the plot, aren’t they? = -7pts
• Movie, you can’t tell us that things from one world burst into flames when coming into contact with the other world, then not have anything burst into flames. = -6pts (For failing Foreshadowing 101.)
• Our lead characters’ names are Adam and Eden. Yes, strap yourselves the fuck in, it’s that kind of movie. = -8pts
• As punishment for Adam’s crime of… criminal activities, his aunt is arrested and her house is burned down. Adam, having been sufficiently punished, is free to go. = -3pts
• Interplanetary bee pollen could revolutionize gravity, and the best application Adam can think of for it is beauty cream. We’re starting to figure out how these two are meant for each other. = -4pts
• We think this dance sequence exists only to show off nice visuals. Which we’re ok with, because it’s better than the plot. = +4pts
• Someone put liquid that will eventually explode into a pressurized bottle. As a prank. = +15pts
• “We scrupulously observe a full separation between worlds.”  Unless pranks are involved. = +6pts
• Eden has amnesia. But she attends Amnesiacs Anonymous. = +7pts (-8pts, for the tired cliché; +15pts, for creating a support group)
• Bob wants to collect stamps that will quickly explode and destroy his collection. Bob is the worst collector. = -5pts
• One hour in and no explosions. WE WERE PROMISED EXPLOSIONS. = -5pts
• Adam sprays an aerosol can at himself when he could combust any minute. = -4pts
• Eden laughing at poor people. = -5pts
• We’re beginning to think we were lied to about spontaneous combustion. = -6pts
• Oh wait, there it is. = -2pts (-5pts, for arbitrary story logic; +3pts for ‘splosions)
• Who’d have thought Evil Corporation’s investment in a foreign urine detector would pay off? = +8pts
• We’ll say this: this film is beautifully shot.= +10pts
• Adam’s friend is as annoyed by the amnesia plot as we are. = +7pts (For self-awareness.)
• Adam’s boss gives him a binder that will shortly explode. Because email must not exist in this universe. = -8pts
• Random, meaningless firings are great for morale. = -6pts
• Adam promises to bring his friends exploding souvenirs. = +8pts
• Eden is charmed by Adam’s desperate, stalkery ways. = -7pts
• Adam has not exploded yet. = -5pts
• Evil Corporation executive thinks breasts and butts are miraculous. = -8pts
• Do we know anything about Eden other than that she works for Evil Corporation and has amnesia? = -10pts (For not caring enough about the female half of the lead couple to give her any character.)
• We’d ask why no biologist has discovered the pink interplanetary bees, but we aren’t sure biologists exist in this world. Competent physicists sure don’t. = -8pts
• Whimsical sex is whimsical. = +8pts
• But wait. Wouldn’t his semen combust in her abdomen? = -4pts
• We know that airplanes are one of Adam’s passions because he said it once at the beginning of the film. = -8pts
• You can’t have an omniscient narrator who knows less than the audience does. = -5pts
• Eden faints for no discernible reason because she’s too delicate for either world. = -10pts
• Everything works out because love and babies. = -15pts
• Pregnancy > gravity. = -6pts
• We’ll give you this, movie: You didn’t outright tell us that Adam and Eden’s baby will end income inequality. You just heavily implied it. = +7pts
• Sequel bait. How cute. = -8pts

Total Score: -88pts
Availabe on: DVD, Netflix, Amazon Instant

Director Juan Solanas has talent as a visual director. Many of the shots are beautifully staged, and the special effects are generally great. It’s too bad that he had the thankless job of working with a script from writer Juan Solanas, who barely understands human interaction and has absolutely no understanding of science. The film sets up preposterous rules then proceeds to break them whenever they would be inconvenient to the plot. And this movie is long, running out of story barely halfway through. Still, its ridiculousness is quite entertaining. After all, can you really turn down a film whose plot turns on the magic pollen culled from pink interplanetary bees?

Score Technician: Andrew Daar

The Walking Dead Season 4, Episode 13

The Walking Dead gets the plot for its newest episode from its own title. How did it score? Best to not ask Daryl...

• Repeating the ol' "Ignore me zombie, cause I'm just like you!" gambit twice in the same season. = -2pts
• Zombie fog. Much scarier than this fog. = +5pts
• Daryl's mysterious new goth hairstyle. = -3pts
• Setting up a primitive proximity warning system that extends out only as far as your arms can reach. = -10pts
• Daryl's romantic banter too closely resembling ours....from sixth grade. = -6pts
• Overtly explainy dialog scenes. = -5pts (-1pt for every scene.)
• "I like the wings on your vest," officially replaces, "You sure got a pretty mouth," as a southern colloquialism for male rape. = +10pts (For updating a classic.)
• Daryl process his grief by joining a new group of rednecks lead by this guy. = 0pts (-3pts, for reverting to old habits; +3pts for his ability to recognize a transcendent leader.)

So, yeah, there was a lot of walking. And there was a lot of dead scenes that were devoid of real tension or momentum. All of which culminated in an episode where half of the people in it ended up (pretty much) exactly where they left it. Except for Daryl, who went through a lot of change. No, seriously. He went through a lot of change. His hair alone was at least three different colors and styles throughout the episode. Oh, and he was sad he lost another inappropriately aged GF. 

Poor Daryl!? No, poor us...

Total Score = -11pts

Season Score = +214pts

Score Technician: Sean McConnell 

Vampire's Kiss

Once a neglected dark comedy, Vampire’s Kiss has worked its way back into pop culture thanks to a combination of Internet tomfoolery and the timelessness that is Nicolas Cage’s acting. As Peter Lowe, literary agent and all-around ‘80s guy turned bloodsucking fiend, Cage spasms and cavorts into the cold embrace of undeath all while tormenting his subordinate, Alva (played by Maria Conchita Alonso). Can the nanobots withstand Nic Cage’s wildest performance, or will Vampire’s Kiss suck from them their precious vitality? Time to turn on the machines and discover the truth!

• Nicolas Cage’s ever-changing accent. = -5pts (-1pt for each accent he tries on for size.) 
• Drunken conversations with Nic Cage drift toward discussing the Fantastic Four, even when he’s playing a literary agent. = +4pts 
• Nic Cage’s date’s ribcage. = -6pts (For being the scariest thing in the film.) 
• When a bat flies in through the window and interrupts sexy time, Nicolas Cage attempts to shoo it away by literally shouting, “Shoo!” His date is unimpressed. = +3pts 
• If you don’t enunciate the “ha” when you laugh, how will people know you’re laughing? = -4pts 
• After burdening Alva with the boring task of finding some guy’s contract, Nic Cage shirks his job by staring through his office window at a hot dog vendor. = +5pts 
• No one can start an anecdote by interjecting, “Holy shit!” like Nic Cage can. = +8pts 
• Cameo by David Hyde Pierce with a push-broom mustache. = +7pts 
• Bringing the girl from Flashdance back to your apartment only to discover that she’s a vampire. = +3pts (That actually sounds kinda steamy now that we think about it.) 
• Pasty alert! = -5pts 
• Serving coffee to your imaginary girlfriend and then spilling it all over the bed. = -7pts (The madness begins…) 
• Either Nic Cage’s date has a hat with a hole in the top to accommodate her afro puffs or she’s wearing a hat that’s wearing a weave. It’s ridiculous either way. = -7pts 
• When his girlfriend asks his opinion about modern art, Nic Cage proclaims that he has to piss and then ditches her. Smooth move! = +6pts 
• This scene happens. = +25pts 
• We’re not sure, but it sounded as if Nic Cage shouted, “Fucking GREASEHOUND!” before having a spaz attack while trying to leave a diner. = +9pts 
• One of the tell-tale signs of madness is choosing to use a payphone in a building where mimes are performing. = - 4pts 
• After jumping onto a desk and maniacally chasing Alva into the ladies room, Nic Cage has a board meeting to have a good laugh about the whole thing. The ‘80s were a hell of a time! = +10pts 
• Nicolas Cage takes rejection about as well as Tommy Wiseau does in The Room. = -4pts 
• The most amazing recitation of the alphabet in cinematic history. = +50pts 
• Mescaline is a hell of a drug. = -3pts 
• Nicolas Cage berates Alva in such a hilarious manner as to become immortalized in meme form. = +50pts 

• Start your day off the Nicolas Cage way!
• Shower with your imaginary girlfriend and chide her when she gets frisky. = +3pts 
• Make creepy faces at yourself in the mirror. = +5pts 
• Pretend that the mirror burns your hand and then nonchalantly walk away. = +6pts 
• Eat a live cockroach for breakfast. = -15pts  
•  Is it dedication to finding his client’s contract that drives Nicolas Cage to show up at Alva’s house when she calls in sick or does he just want to bring her back to work to tyrannize her further? Don’t kid yourself – it’s the latter. = -7pts
• Getting so angry that you nearly vomit. = -4pts (We’ve been there.) 
• A public bathroom is one of the worst places to rant about no longer casting a reflection. = -3pts 
• When Alva finally finds the contract, Nicolas Cage swings his head back and forth like The Devil’s own metronome and sings, “Too late! Too late! Too late!” = +20pts 
• Nic Cage chases Alva down a spiral staircase. Symbolism! = -4pts 
• When Alva draws a pistol in self-defense, Nic Cage demands that she shoot him or else he will both fire and rape her. She doesn’t shoot him. = -30pts 
• After failing to commit suicide by firing a blank into his mouth, This happens.: = +20pts 
• That Nic Cage wasn’t Oscar-nominated for the scene where he runs through the streets screaming, “I’m a vampire!” over and over is proof that the Academy Awards are rigged. = -8pts 
• After watching Nic Cage flip his couch over and turn it into a coffin, we sort of want to do that now too. Best fort ever! = +4pts 
• Unable to afford twenty-dollar fiberglass vampire fangs, Nicolas Cage dons three-and-a-half plastic cheapies and crawls away on his hands and knees. = +9pts 
• After interrupting his psychiatrist’s steamy shower with a passionate Latino lover, Nic Cage awkwardly catches a pigeon and then eats it for dinner. = +11pts 
• Upon sleeping for an entire day (with his fangs in), Nic strongarms his way into a nightclub and does his best Max Shreck impression. = +5pts 
• Ladies, take heed: if Nic Cage fumbles at your boobs, don’t slap him or else he will bite you to death. = -6pts 
• Not even his trendy bloodstain goatee can stop Nic Cage’s imaginary girlfriend from breaking up with him. = -7pts 
• Lamenting about your lost love until you vomit. = -8pts (We’ve been there too.) 
• Things go about as well as you can imagine when Nic Cage meets his imaginary girlfriend in the really-real world. = -5pts 
• Alva’s brother has kickass sea captain bedside lamp. = +2pts 
• We’re pretty sure that the director didn’t ask Nic Cage to keen loudly and walk into oncoming traffic while dragging a makeshift stake behind him, but he did it anyway. = +6pts 
• Mistaking the side of a building for his psychiatrist, Nicolas Cage debunks her profession as “bogus” and then pathetically fawns over his new imaginary girlfriend. = -8pts 
• Dismissing rape as “just a bit of id release.” = -15pts 
• What’s the point of having an imaginary girlfriend if you’re just going to break up with her ten minutes later? Just imagine that she sucks less. Why didn’t you think of that, dummy? = -3pts 
• Alva’s brother gets revenge for his sister’s innocence and we witness Nic Cage’s actually-convincing death scene. = +5pts 
• Re-watching the film with the commentary enabled and hearing Nic Cage’s baffled reactions to his own acting. = +60pts

Total Score = +168pts
Available: DVD, reaction meme databases, Nicolas Cage’s Craziest Moments montages on YouTube

While Vampire’s Kiss is at times laugh-out-loud hilarious, to label it a comedy seems a stretch. Most (if not all) of the laughs come from Nicolas Cage’s off-the-wall performance. Moreover, Peter Lowe’s descent into madness is at best a tragedy. Then there’s the sad state of poor Alva. Poor, poor Alva.

It’s not unusual to run the gamut of emotions while watching this film. You’ll be happy, you’ll be sad, you’ll be disgusted, and you’ll be confused; however, bring a Scorecard and you definitely won’t be disappointed.

Score Technician: T. J. Geise

The Walking Dead Season 4, Episode 12

We spent last week watching the budding bromance between Glenn and Abraham and Rick Home Alone-ing it with a group of survivalists. But all that time we were wondering, “What’s going on with our favorite white trash tracker and the zombie apocalypse’s Tom Waits fan laureate?” Well settle down, folks, the answers will be forthcoming.

• A better name for this episode: “Liquor Run.” = -6pts 
• First trunk date. = +4pts
• Holy shit! Daryl just missed a squirrel from 5 feet away. Like a boxer, he must remain sexually pure. = +6pts 
• Beth wants to get tore up! = +5pts 
• The hanging dead. = +14pts 
• Zombies in golf regalia. = +9pts 
• Fore! = +4pts 
• As far as first drinks go, Moonshine > Peach Schnapps. = +8pts (Sure beats the hell out of this technician’s adventure with boxed wine) 
• Daryl Dixon is a mean drunk. = -5pts 
• The mystery of what Daryl did before The Turn would have been a bigger deal if it had turned out to be anything other than what we all expected already. = -10pts 
• Looks like Beth has seen What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. = -20pts (For causing us to remember that shitty movie.) 
• It might not have made for as impressive of a visual, but wouldn’t it have been more practical to wait until morning to burn the house down? = -15pts (Seriously. Where are you guys going to sleep?) 
• Ending the episode with a Mountain Goats song. = +10pts

Total Score = +5pts
Season Score = +225pts

The episode started strong: spare dialogue, arresting visuals, a nice focus on how the characters continue moving forward in the wake of tragedy. The disappointing detour into TV catharsis and Johnny Depp homage sucked a lot of the air out of it, though. And Beth is really going to wish she still had that shack to recover in when she’s puking her guts out the next morning.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling and Sean McConnell

Jack Reacher

Superbad bowl of vanilla ice cream Jack Reacher (Tom Cruise) teams up with a comely defense lawyer (Rosamund Pike) to defend a former soldier who may or mayn’t have shot five random people. What deadly conspiracies, possibly involving Werner Herzog, might they uncover? Have a scorecard at the ready and put on your thinking cap, because, according to one Netflix reviewer, “The plot is intellectual which offers reasonable amount of brain challenge.” Nuff said...sort of.

• Only knowing the title of this movie, you might think it was: 
• An Adam Sandler vehicle about a man who can telepathically control a certain type of cheese. = -3pts
• A straight-to-video spinoff of Ja Creature, the classic Jamaican horror film. = +4pts
• A Hallmark TV special about a young man who struggles to live a normal life after he discovers his arms are too short for masturbation. = +10pts
• Opening sniper scene is pretty chilling. = +12pts
• District Attorney Rodan? RAWWWK RAAAWWWK! = +7pts
• The guy arrested for the shootings may be Cate Blanchett’s transgender doppelganger. = +6pts
• Lines in the film that sound dirty, but actually aren’t:
• “Get Jack Reacher.” = +2pts
• “How do we find this Reacher?” = +2pts
• “Excuse me sir, there’s a Jack Reacher here to see you.” = +3pts
• “That’s right, I know about Reacher.” = +4pts
• “You don’t look like a Jimmie.” = +7pts
• Helen and Jack suffer from facesdriftingtooclosetogetheritis. Side effects include sexual tension, quivering lips, and almost kissing Tom Cruise.  = -7pts
• WERNER HERZOG! Hopefully, the next plot twist involves him lifting Tom Cruise’s ego over a mountain. = +23pts
• Avoiding product placement by going to a store called Default Auto Parts. = +3pts
• Jack Reacher mansplains abusive relationships to an abused woman. = -13pts
• Using a guy’s head to beat another guy’s head. = +12pts
• Jack Reacher only drives when he can steal a car. = +6pts
• You’ve just watched a man you’ve never seen before step out of his car, while it is still moving. This man lets his car keep rolling and crash into other cars, maybe other people. The cops speed by, chasing after the car. You decide that the best thing to do is to hand your hat to the man, to help him blend into the crowd. You are a strange person. You make strange decisions, and the people around you are also strange, because they have all been watching too, and have silently decided that they agree with you. The best thing to do at this moment is to protect this stranger. Protect him from lawfulness. = -25pts
• Did Robert Duvall just leave the counter of his gun range unattended to hang out with Jack Reacher? = -5pts
• Helen Rodin, best defense attorney ever, attempts to help her client by getting tazed in the elevator. = -9pts
• “I’m going to beat you to death and drink your blood from a boot.” = +7pts
• Roping a kindly old Robert Duvall into a deadly shootout. = -8pts
• Robert Duvall turns out to be a crappy ally with bad aim. = -5pts
• Fortunately, the villains are also crappy shots, firing at random rocks and trees. = +6pts
• Sneaking up on the bad guys in the inconspicuously giant and noisy quarry truck. = -3pts
• Throwing your gun down to beat a guy in a fair fight.  Then when he’s down, killing him anyway. = +0pts (+9pts For keeping half your promise by using your boot to do so; -9pts, For not drinking the blood like you promised.) 
• Jack Reacher threatens villains with lines we’re not quite sure make sense, like, “I was born in October. When I get to my birthday I’ll pull the trigger. One, two…” = -2pts
• Werner Herzog, no! Do not kill Werner Herzog! Werner Herzog has the most interesting character in this movie! He’s also WERNER HERZOG. DO NOT KILL – NOOOOOO!  YOU BASTARDS!!!! = -23pts
• Jack Reacher doesn’t care about “the law” or “proof,” just “what’s right?” This, again, is strange person thinking. Audience members who agreed with this sentiment at test screenings received free psychiatric evaluations at the door. = -6 pts

Total Score: +5pts
Available on: Netflix

The problem with Jack Reacher is that it grabs you at the beginning, and then at some point, lets you go. After an hour or so, you realize you’ve spent a good amount of time staring at your ceiling, thinking about dinner, but you can pick up the plot thread again, no problem. That’s too bad, because there’s a serious issue in Jack Reacher worth considering: Is it really ok to accept Jack Reacher, the character, as a righteous vigilante? He’s a superman who comes out of the woodwork to dispense judgment as he sees fit. Usually, we accept this sort of behavior in superheroes because they wear funny costumes, but we aren’t allowed the benefit of a funny costume to distract us from the shady ethics of Jack Reacher, because Jack Reacher is Tom Cruise, and he’s too hot to ever be wrong, right? We’re supposed to take it for granted that he’s a good guy, that’s why. And if you ever see Tom Cruise step out of a moving vehicle and try to hide from the Feds, you’d better hand him your hat, and play it real cool, because we’ve all pitched in good money to support this guy’s career. Come on, baby. Don’t fear the Reacher.

Score Technician:  Alex Pearlstein