Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Kung Fury

Score Technician: TJ Geise
Since 2012, Swedish director David Sandberg has wanted to make an ‘80s homage action comedy. Thanks to the miracle of Kickstarter, David was able to crowdfund just that: Kung Fury. Set in Miami during 1985, Kung Fury follows its titular hero through time to stop the most powerful kung-fu master ever: Kung Führer Adolf Hitler.

But is the world ready for a movie more ‘80s than Ronald Reagan in legwarmers drinking an Ecto-Cooler? We had to let science find out.
  • The Laser Unicorns intro answers the question, “What if Lisa Frank made the cover to a metal album?” = +3pts 
  • Do you think catapulting a police car into the air with skateboard and then shooting at it until it explodes is super rad? If not, then this experiment is over. We feel that this website is a little more your speed. = +6pts
  • Shooting a guy with an uzi and stealing his boombox is just a typical Miami summer. = +3pts 
  • In the war for Cybertron, arcade cabinets fight for the side of the Decepticons. = +4pts 
  • Having death rays activated by flipping people off. = +8pts 
  • Everything up to this point has happened within the first minute of the film. = +10pts 
  • Getting into your car by shooting the door open. = +2pts 
  • Saving a puppy from a rampaging coin-op murderbot. = +4pts 
  • Using Tracking problems to escalate Kung Fury’s fight against the evil arcade machine to ludicrous proportions. = +7pts 
  • Mutating into a kung-fu freak of nature after simultaneously grieving the death of your mentor, being struck by lightning, and being bitten by a cobra. = +8pts 
  • Dropkicking a kung-fu master into an explosive tanker. = +3pts 
  • Triceracop’s posh British accent. = +2pts 
  • Having your giant ‘80s cell phone stolen by a time-traveling Hitler (played by The Lonely Island’s Jorma Taccone). = +5pts 
  • Being shot by Hitler through the aforementioned giant ‘80s cell phone. = -4pts 
  • Rare footage of the seldom-discussed Nazi kung-fu experiments. = +2pts
  • Being such an expert hacker that you can open a portal through space and time using a third-party Nintendo peripheral that has yet to be invented. = +5pts 
  • Riding a keyboard so far back in time that you need to be saved from a laser raptor by a wolf-riding she-viking wielding a gatling gun. = +9pts 
  • Riding a T-rex to Asgard. = +4pts 
  • You’ll never be as ripped as Thor. = +3pts 
  • Thor saying, “Stop! Hammer time.” = -6pts 
  • Nazis arguing about mustaches. = +4pts 
  • Hitler giving a speech in English about how great he is at kung-fu. = -3pts 
  • MacGyvering a helicopter out of a handgun and a freshly torn-off Nazi arm. = +7pts 
  • Filming a one-take fight scene that makes the ones in Oldboy and Daredevil look like a Three Stooges slap-off. = +6pts 
  • Keeping a machine gun stashed in your podium just in case your speech is interrupted by a kung-fu master from the future. = +4pts 
  • Why wouldn’t Hitler have a golden eagle robot as a bodyguard? = +3pts 
  • The ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny that is Kung Fury and his friends against Nazi Germany. = +25pts 
  • Getting shot in the groin by an anthropomorphic triceratops. = -3pts 
  • Heaven isn’t a place on earth, it’s a Toei Animation cartoon. = +5pts 
  • The “T” in “T-rex” stands for “teamwork.” = +10pts 
  • Never hassle the Hoff9000. = +4pts 
  • Riding off into the sunset on the wings of a golden eagle. = +3pts 
  • David Hasslehoff’s “True Survivor” playing over the credits. = +10pts
Total Score = +153pts
Available On: YouTube and on VHS taped off of TV.

Blending everything that made the ‘80s tick and distilling it down to a 30 minute short film sounds like a great idea on paper, but could have been disastrous if done solely in the name of irony. It’s run time is perfect. Any shorter and the joke would have fallen flat, but any longer and it would have been excruciating.

Though there are a few groan-worthy moments, the pacing is so fast that you get ushered to the next outlandish set-up before you have time to get bored. Fast forward into the future of kung-fu with Kung Fury and this handy-dandy scorecard, otherwise you’re letting the Nazis win.

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