Score Technician: TJ Geise
The last episode of Game of Thrones saw Stannis’ popularity cleaved in twain by a darkness-forged, midnight-black blade of hardened evil. Maybe the season finale will give us something good? This season can’t just be an exercise in futility, right? Right!?
- Basking in the warm breeze sent by the God of Burning Innocents at the Stake. = -5pts
- “Stannis! You lost your child, your best friend, your wife, your mistress, your food, your horses, and your army. What’re you going to do now?” “I’m going to Disneyland! Just kidding, I’m going to send myself and my remaining soldiers into a battle I have no chance of winning. Stannis ain’t going out like no biatch!” = -10pts
- The adorable look on Sam’s face when Jon says he can go off to Wizard School. = +8pts
- Abandoning your vigil at its most crucial time in order to get some sweet, sweet revenge. = -4pts
- Look up “not giving a fuck” in the dictionary, and you’ll see Stannis. See? = +10pts
- Wounded Stannis making a sound like your grandpa getting into a hot bath. = +2pts
- At last, The Lord of Light will have someone at his side to help him identify what’s less and what’s fewer. = +4pts (Though we are sad, to The King of Grammar him go.)
- Ramsay not teabagging the corpses of the slain. = +3pts
- Reek and Sansa going for a celebratory snow-dive. = +4pts
- We never thought we’d be uncomfortable watching a sadistic pedophile's murder, but boy-oh-boy was that hard to watch. = -4pts
- Killing someone before becoming no-one means seeing nothing. Good to know that The Many-Faced God is as big of a dillweed as The Lord of Light. = -6pts
- Getting a hug from your daughter for the very first time. = +5pts
- Whoops – make that the very last time. We forgot for a moment that this was Game of Thrones. = -10pts
- That awkward moment when you're put in charge of a kingdom because a dragon flew away with your queen. = +4pts
- Tyrion speaks for the audience when he tells Varys that he’s missed him. Praise The Seven for Varys. = +7pts
- Trying to boss around a sleepy dragon. = +2pts
- Danaerys wandering into a Dothraki horse and pony show. = +4pts
- Getting bathed and shorn by nuns - hot or not? = -3pts
- Making the longest walk of shame in television history. = -5pts
- Making the nanobots think that any punishment for Cersei was "too much." = -5pts
- Being swept off your feet by a gilded Frankenstein’s Mountain. = +4pts
- Surviving wars, maniacs, unfathomable evils, and angry gingers only to get turbo-shanked by your band of brothers, including the little lad who killed your beloved. = -100pts
Season Score: +82pts
If you made it to this point in Game of Thrones, pat yourself on the back. It had its fun moments, but boy did that finale feel like the air whooshing out of your lungs after a sock in the breadbasket.
Every season up until now had its ups and downs, but they mostly balanced out. Bad things tended to open the doors for better things, good was bent but never broken, and also Hodor was there. Season Five, however, at times felt like watching a ten-hour beatdown with nary a Hodor in sight.
The show’s cornerstone of moral ambiguity gave way to shades of good and evil with a major focus on the evil. There was nothing grey about the Sons of the Harpy, or Ramsay Snow, or religious persecution, or the siege of Hardhome, or burning a little girl alive, or stabbing your commanding officer, or… you get the point. A lot of bad happened over the span of ten hours.
As for the number of straight-up good things that happened, you can count them on the hand of someone missing two fingers. Sam got laid, Tyrion found a cool place to crash, and Brienne of Tarth got revenge. Oh, and we finally got to see some dong! Thanks for that concession, HBO.(Although thanks for ruining it by putting it in the context of what most would consider sexual assault.)
But we here at the Progressive Cinema Scorecard aren’t one to dwell on the negatives. Despite such a grim season, Game of Thrones is still one of the best shows on TV. We’re confident that the wheels of motion sent turning this season have given the world reasons to clasp their hands in anticipation of season six.
And before you mourn the loss of the Lord Commander, remember that Melisandre just dropped in to see what condition her condition was in. We all know what The Lord of Light can do, so things can’t be as bad as they seem. In case you forgot, here’s a “Previously on Game of Thrones…” moment to give you hope for the future (or, more realistically, make you feel even worse when your hopes get dashed since this is Game of Thrones).