True Detective Season 2, Episode 2

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

Tom Cochrane's excruciating pop missive may have been the inspiration for this season of True Detective, but that doesn't mean the nanobots have fully committed to driving it all night long. However, with questions still surrounding who's actually the real true detective, what's up with Tim Riggins' penis, and why the rapist from Dancer in the Dark is hanging out with Don Draper off the Pacific Coast highway still to be answered, the nanobots remain intrigued, if not fully interested. And, sometimes with a sophisticated nanotechnology, you have to give them what they want.

"Jessie is a friend."

• Vince Vaughn's water stained ceiling/symbol of relationship with father throws down with the Kingpins' abstract expressionist painting and comes out on top. = +2pts
• Match-cut says eyes. Although, given the look and feel of the show, we would have thought natty testes. = No points, just a clarification.

"I played along with the charade."

• Giving an officer accused of soliciting a blowjob a promotion because he's bad at killing himself. = +4pts (We believe in second chances!)
• "I really do." = +2pts
• Attempting to appear masculine by lobbing a homophobic comment at the police equivalent of Fat Bastard, and falling embarrassingly flat. = +5pts

"You know I feel so dirty when they start talking cute/I wanna tell her that I love her but the point is probably moot."

• If you loved Internal Affairs. Imagine how much you'd like it if you multiplied it by three! Internal affairs have affairs! = +3pts
• Having a nice fried chicken dinner with your mom... = +2pts
• ...as she creepily semi-molests you while slagging on your high school girlfriends and comparing your houndog sexual magnetism with that of you father's. = -25pts

"Cause she's watching him with those eyes."

• It's not True Detective if there isn't car talk. = +2pts
• Answering police questions while half in the bag... = -5pts
• ..while at work, when your job is the mayor... = -10pts
• ...in a city of 94 people. = +94pts
• We're not sure which of the following makes the mayor of Vinci the worst in America: His love of daytime drinking, the way he shakes down local gangsters for his cut of their profits, or the obvious photo of him hanging out with George W. Bush that he likes to keep in camera frame behind him at all times. = No score, more of an existential pondering. 
• "I'm not tight with anybody." = +3pts

"Cause she's loving him with that bod--"

• --HOLY SHIT WHAT HAPPENED TO RICK SPRINGFIELD'S FACE?! = -10pts
• Look, at The PCS we've calculated thousands of hours of popular culture. If you think you're going to get some bonus points for an end of the episode twist where the best character is shot with a shotgun, only to find in the next episode that it was full of rock salt, you've got another thing--HOLY SHIT THAT SECOND SHOT LOOKED FOR REELZ. = +20pts
• I guess this means that Detective Velcro won't be sticking around. = Cannot compute (Technician has been removed due to bad punnery.)

Episode Score = +87pts
Season Score: +61pts

The nanobots calculations are showing that there are three things missing from this season of True Detective: Cary Fukunaga, Matthew McConaughey, and Woody Harrelson. If only those three were back, things might be a lot better. But, when you think about it, it could also be a lot worse. Despite how engaging the first season was, the central mystery of who was killing girls became the red herring to Rust Cole's spiritual salvation. The faux philosophizing and talk of the Yellow King never really amounted to much more than an extended therapy between the audience and McConaughey. But because it was so beautiful, we didn't really care that much about leaving all those old white guys to killing girls in cults and stuff. (Seriously, what happened to the guys behind that snuff film?)

So, it's pretty clear that this season is not last season.

But, to quote a particular show: "Sometimes your worst self, is your best self." What this season has given us is a little bit more LA Confidential and a bit less grad school confessional. Most of those long winded monologues about the universe have been distilled into more bite-sized nuggets. More importantly, they've been given to more than one character to say, so that, as an audience, we're not quite sure whom our favorite might be, as opposed to last season where the deck was so clearly stacked in favor of Rust Cohle.  Is that a good thing? Too early to tell. The fact that one of our favorites probably got taken off the board in the second episode is a good a reason as any to stick around to see where things are going.  (Side Note: The fact that the source for most of the humor in the show just took a serious blow to the bread basket leaves us a bit concerned that any levity to be found may have just died in West Hollywood. And that would be a big problem.)

True Detective Season 2, Episode 1

blogs.indiewire.com

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

With Season 1 of True Detective, writer Nic Pizzolatto and director Cary Fukunaga took the simple premise of a small town murder mystery and twisted it into something labyrinthine and macabre. By dashing together a buddy cop drama with a healthy dosage of nihilist philosophy, Southern Gothic, and weird horror, they turned out a riveting neo-noir that was equal parts James Ellroy, Thomas Ligotti, and Robert W. Chambers. Season 2 starts things off with a clean slate: a new cast, a new director, and a new crime. Can Pizzolatto scale the same incredible heights a second time around? The nanobots are running their infernal calculations to answer that very question...

• Trading the guy who directed Season 1 of True Detective for the guy who directed four Fast & Furious movies. = -10pts 
• If we had heard that Collin Farrell, Vince Vaughn, and Taylor Kitsch were all going to be in a movie together, we would have expected to see that movie in the five dollar bin at Walmart within a week of its theatrical release. = -25pts 
• Leonard Cohen in the opening credits gets us started on the right foot, at least. = +7pts 
• This scene of Collin Farrell being a good dad will surely in no way be offset by a scene of him being a shitty one later on. = +6pts 
• The name of Collin Farrell's character is so close to the word "Velcro" that we're just going to call him Detective Velcro for the remainder of this series. = +2pts 
• The only kinds of transactions involving women that Detective Velcro is used to are ones that require him to throw fistfulls of cash in their direction. = -5pts 
• Detective Velcro's porn-stache as a means for demarcating changes in chronology. = +8pts (A comforting callback to McConaughey's hobo-beard.) 
• FYI, accepting a devil's bargain from Vince Vaughn for the name of your wife's rapist is the quickest path to growing a porn-stache. = +3pts 
• Rachel MacAdams probably wanted to do butt stuff with her doofy paramour, right? Had to be butt stuff. = +4pts 
• Rachel MacAdams busting up a legitimate cam girl operation in order to scold her sister has earned her the name of Officer Buzzkill for the remainder of the series. = -6pts 
• When does Taylor Kitsch find time to enforce the law when he's so busy defending his junk from every woman on earth? = -9pts 
• Blah, blah, blah, something about a land deal. = -7pts 
• Missing city manager Ben Casper's pervy art collection. = +4pts 
• The Weekend and Bernie's situation slowly developing in the back of that car. = +8pts 
• Detective Velcro shakes down a reporter in order to halt the continuation of an eight-part expose that has almost certainly been written, edited, and prepped for publication already. = -3pts 
• We were hoping to spot Don Draper in the hippy commune Officer Buzzkill visits, but no dice. = -2pts 
• Officer Buzzkill's father teaches at the commune? Why don't we just subtitle this season "Daddy Issues?" = -5pts 
• Now, it may sound bad when Detective Velcro calls his son a "fat pussy," but it's really more of an affectionate nickname. = -3pts 
• Officer Velcro to a 12-year-old bully: "I'll come back and buttfuck your father with your mom's headless corpse on this goddamn lawn." = -6pts 
• The song Lera Lynn plays during the meeting between Detective Velcro and Vince Vaughn is the kind of song that someone would choose to soundtrack a parody of True Detective.= -11pts 
• Nothing like an eyeless, dickless corpse to bring together all the main characters of your premium cable drama. = +5pts 
• Closing the episode with Nick Cave. = +14pts (They got the musical bookends right.) 

Episode Score = -26pts

While Season 1 of True Detective took its fair share of guff for its resolutely straight-faced approach to pitch black police procedural, the show managed to stay afloat thanks to indelible performances by Harrelson and McConaughey and its carefully wrought tone of suffocating dread. As of episode 1 of the show's second season, however, neither of those elements are present. None of the show's principal characters have been given the space to establish themselves as much more than noir archetypes, and unlike Season 1's Erath, there's something painfully nondescript about the corruption at the heart of Vinci. There's still plenty of time for the series to level off, but right now, this feels like a pointless exercise in miserablism on the level of AMC's aborted Breaking Bad chaser, Low Winter Sun.

Kung Fury

Score Technician: TJ Geise

Since 2012, Swedish director David Sandberg has wanted to make an ‘80s homage action comedy. Thanks to the miracle of Kickstarter, David was able to crowdfund just that: Kung Fury. Set in Miami during 1985, Kung Fury follows its titular hero through time to stop the most powerful kung-fu master ever: Kung Führer Adolf Hitler.

But is the world ready for a movie more ‘80s than Ronald Reagan in legwarmers drinking an Ecto-Cooler? We had to let science find out.

• The Laser Unicorns intro answers the question, “What if Lisa Frank made the cover to a metal album?” = +3pts 
• Do you think catapulting a police car into the air with skateboard and then shooting at it until it explodes is super rad? If not, then this experiment is over. We feel that this website is a little more your speed. = +6pts
• Shooting a guy with an uzi and stealing his boombox is just a typical Miami summer. = +3pts 
• In the war for Cybertron, arcade cabinets fight for the side of the Decepticons. = +4pts 
• Having death rays activated by flipping people off. = +8pts 
• Everything up to this point has happened within the first minute of the film. = +10pts 
• Getting into your car by shooting the door open. = +2pts 
• Saving a puppy from a rampaging coin-op murderbot. = +4pts 
• Using Tracking problems to escalate Kung Fury’s fight against the evil arcade machine to ludicrous proportions. = +7pts 
• Mutating into a kung-fu freak of nature after simultaneously grieving the death of your mentor, being struck by lightning, and being bitten by a cobra. = +8pts 
• Dropkicking a kung-fu master into an explosive tanker. = +3pts 
• Triceracop’s posh British accent. = +2pts 
• Having your giant ‘80s cell phone stolen by a time-traveling Hitler (played by The Lonely Island’s Jorma Taccone). = +5pts 
• Being shot by Hitler through the aforementioned giant ‘80s cell phone. = -4pts 
• Rare footage of the seldom-discussed Nazi kung-fu experiments. = +2pts
• Being such an expert hacker that you can open a portal through space and time using a third-party Nintendo peripheral that has yet to be invented. = +5pts 
• Riding a keyboard so far back in time that you need to be saved from a laser raptor by a wolf-riding she-viking wielding a gatling gun. = +9pts 
• Riding a T-rex to Asgard. = +4pts 
• You’ll never be as ripped as Thor. = +3pts 

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• Thor saying, “Stop! Hammer time.” = -6pts 
• Nazis arguing about mustaches. = +4pts 
• Hitler giving a speech in English about how great he is at kung-fu. = -3pts 
• MacGyvering a helicopter out of a handgun and a freshly torn-off Nazi arm. = +7pts 
• Filming a one-take fight scene that makes the ones in Oldboy and Daredevil look like a Three Stooges slap-off. = +6pts 
• Keeping a machine gun stashed in your podium just in case your speech is interrupted by a kung-fu master from the future. = +4pts 
• Why wouldn’t Hitler have a golden eagle robot as a bodyguard? = +3pts 
• The ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny that is Kung Fury and his friends against Nazi Germany. = +25pts 
• Getting shot in the groin by an anthropomorphic triceratops. = -3pts 
• Heaven isn’t a place on earth, it’s a Toei Animation cartoon. = +5pts 
• The “T” in “T-rex” stands for “teamwork.” = +10pts 
• Never hassle the Hoff9000. = +4pts 
• Riding off into the sunset on the wings of a golden eagle. = +3pts 
• David Hasslehoff’s “True Survivor” playing over the credits. = +10pts

Total Score = +153pts
Available On: YouTube and on VHS taped off of TV.

Blending everything that made the ‘80s tick and distilling it down to a 30 minute short film sounds like a great idea on paper, but could have been disastrous if done solely in the name of irony. It’s run time is perfect. Any shorter and the joke would have fallen flat, but any longer and it would have been excruciating.

Though there are a few groan-worthy moments, the pacing is so fast that you get ushered to the next outlandish set-up before you have time to get bored. Fast forward into the future of kung-fu with Kung Fury and this handy-dandy scorecard, otherwise you’re letting the Nazis win.

Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 10

uproxx.com

Score Technician: TJ Geise

The last episode of Game of Thrones saw Stannis’ popularity cleaved in twain by a darkness-forged, midnight-black blade of hardened evil. Maybe the season finale will give us something good? This season can’t just be an exercise in futility, right? Right!?

• Basking in the warm breeze sent by the God of Burning Innocents at the Stake. = -5pts 
• “Stannis! You lost your child, your best friend, your wife, your mistress, your food, your horses, and your army. What’re you going to do now?” “I’m going to Disneyland! Just kidding, I’m going to send myself and my remaining soldiers into a battle I have no chance of winning. Stannis ain’t going out like no biatch!” = -10pts 
• The adorable look on Sam’s face when Jon says he can go off to Wizard School. = +8pts 
• Abandoning your vigil at its most crucial time in order to get some sweet, sweet revenge. = -4pts 
• Look up “not giving a fuck” in the dictionary, and you’ll see Stannis. See? = +10pts

• Wounded Stannis making a sound like your grandpa getting into a hot bath. = +2pts 
• At last, The Lord of Light will have someone at his side to help him identify what’s less and what’s fewer. = +4pts (Though we are sad, to The King of Grammar him go.) 
• Ramsay not teabagging the corpses of the slain. = +3pts 
• Reek and Sansa going for a celebratory snow-dive. = +4pts 
• We never thought we’d be uncomfortable watching a sadistic pedophile's murder, but boy-oh-boy was that hard to watch. = -4pts 
• Killing someone before becoming no-one means seeing nothing. Good to know that The Many-Faced God is as big of a dillweed as The Lord of Light. = -6pts 
• Getting a hug from your daughter for the very first time. = +5pts 
• Whoops – make that the very last time. We forgot for a moment that this was Game of Thrones. = -10pts 
• That awkward moment when you're put in charge of a kingdom because a dragon flew away with your queen. = +4pts 
• Tyrion speaks for the audience when he tells Varys that he’s missed him. Praise The Seven for Varys. = +7pts 
• Trying to boss around a sleepy dragon. = +2pts 
• Danaerys wandering into a Dothraki horse and pony show. = +4pts 
• Getting bathed and shorn by nuns - hot or not? = -3pts 
• Making the longest walk of shame in television history. = -5pts
• Making the nanobots think that any punishment for Cersei was "too much." = -5pts
• Being swept off your feet by a gilded Frankenstein’s Mountain. = +4pts 
• Surviving wars, maniacs, unfathomable evils, and angry gingers only to get turbo-shanked by your band of brothers, including the little lad who killed your beloved. = -100pts

Episode Score: -95pts
Season Score: +82pts

If you made it to this point in Game of Thrones, pat yourself on the back. It had its fun moments, but boy did that finale feel like the air whooshing out of your lungs after a sock in the breadbasket.

Every season up until now had its ups and downs, but they mostly balanced out. Bad things tended to open the doors for better things, good was bent but never broken, and also Hodor was there. Season Five, however, at times felt like watching a ten-hour beatdown with nary a Hodor in sight.

The show’s cornerstone of moral ambiguity gave way to shades of good and evil with a major focus on the evil. There was nothing grey about the Sons of the Harpy, or Ramsay Snow, or religious persecution, or the siege of Hardhome, or burning a little girl alive, or stabbing your commanding officer, or… you get the point. A lot of bad happened over the span of ten hours.

As for the number of straight-up good things that happened, you can count them on the hand of someone missing two fingers. Sam got laid, Tyrion found a cool place to crash, and Brienne of Tarth got revenge. Oh, and we finally got to see some dong! Thanks for that concession, HBO.(Although thanks for ruining it by putting it in the context of what most would consider sexual assault.)

But we here at the Progressive Cinema Scorecard aren’t one to dwell on the negatives. Despite such a grim season, Game of Thrones is still one of the best shows on TV. We’re confident that the wheels of motion sent turning this season have given the world reasons to clasp their hands in anticipation of season six.

And before you mourn the loss of the Lord Commander, remember that Melisandre just dropped in to see what condition her condition was in. We all know what The Lord of Light can do, so things can’t be as bad as they seem. In case you forgot, here’s a “Previously on Game of Thrones…” moment to give you hope for the future (or, more realistically, make you feel even worse when your hopes get dashed since this is Game of Thrones).

Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 9

 Score Technician: Sean McConnell

It's penultimate episode time on Game of Thrones. Generally, this is when HBO shows clear the board in an effort to set up a season finale that serves to set-up the next season. So, how penultimate-y is this episode? Only the nanobots can answer that question.

• Not protecting your foodstuffs during a war, in the middle of winter. = -2pts
• Keeping your word. = +20pts (No joke, this is a big deal in Westeros.)
• Sending your best friend/closest adviser away on the equivalent of a grocery run. = -1pt
• Vhagar the Dragon ain't no punk-ass like that gorgon Medusa. = +8pts (Because even our adorable Greek myths end poorly in Westeros.)
• Thanking someone for something and making a reference to a future state of being...in Westeros. = -5pts
• Pouring one out for your homies in a manner that would indicate that it is not, in fact, for said homie. = -2pts (The equivalent of dismissively wiping your privates on something in Dorne.)
• Playing the slap game with your sister. = +3pts
• Playing the bitch slap game with your sister. = +6pts
• Mycroft Holmes' handshake. = -2pts
• Writing a letter with your back to the door. = -3pts
• Offering to help your dad out of a pickle. = +10pts
• Burning your daughter alive. = -40pts
• Smiling while it happens. = -10pts
• Khalessi takes Drogon for a spin. = +50pts

Episode Socre: +33pts
Season Score: +177pts

It's hard to think of another episode in Game of Thrones that so completely taketh away and then giveth back. Shireen's death, while upsetting, was foreshadowed way back when we first met Mehreen and Stannis engaging in their public barbeques so many years ago. The fact that only Mehreen seemed to be enjoying herself is probably a bad sign for Stannis.

Speaking of Stannis, the nanobots have confirmed that he currently holds the record for highest drop from the list of likable GoT character rankings, falling from the top-5 and landing somewhere between Cersei Lannister and the black hole that is Ramsay Snow.

The fact that this scene happened this episode, as opposed to the one before, is evidence of how much thought the showrunners put into mitigating the trauma that Martin's books/ideas keep feeding them. The past two episodes have offered little hope for pretty much any character. Perhaps Shireen's sacrifice was the final scourge on a world that may be on the brink of redemption. Maybe... Probably?... Meh...

Escape from New York

Score Technician: Amanda Hemmerling

In John Carpenter’s vision of 1997, the United States’ prison industrial complex is so out of control that the entirety of New York City becomes a prison. We’re not sure why they picked New York, a bustling hub of commerce and high-end real estate, and not, say, rural Idaho, but we at the PCS have suspended more disbelief for less reward. So grab your scorecards and follow along as we Escape from New York.

• For having a main character named Snake who wears an eye patch and a leather jacket. = +10pts

explore-science-fiction-movies.com

• For modeling his look after Mallory’s boyfriend in Family Ties: = -5pts

buzzfeed.com

• A plane is hijacked by terrorists and crashed into New York City buildings. Even for a movie filmed in 1981, this feels too soon. = -5pts 
• The subversive leader of the National Liberation Front of America is not so subversive that she can’t rock a perm. = +8pts
• Kurt Russell is taken to a top-secret government science lab, where the equipment looks suspiciously like a game of Pac-Man hooked up to a Lite Brite. (We guess most of the budget went to Kurt Russell’s leather jacket.) = +7pts 
• Good news: Even as a prison, New York City appears to have some charming coffee shops. = +5pts 
• Bad news: No free wifi and the baristas are rapists. = -5pts 
• A math equation: In crime films set in New York City, there are x number of foggy alleys for y number of graffiti scrawls, where y is less than the number of wise-talking cab drivers. Solve for x. (Answer: x is equal to the number of sidewalk garbage fires.) = +11pts 
•  Movie trivia: Christian Bale modeled his Batman voice off of Kurt Russell (probably). = +5pts 
• The pin-head sized bombs implanted in Kurt Russell’s neck can be neutralized by x-rays if he gets the president’s cassette tape on nuclear fusion to China in time. (The science checks out, says this English major.) = +9pts 
•  For storing sensitive nuclear secrets on the same medium you made your high school girlfriend a mixtape: = +12pts 
• Main Character is a Dick Alert #1: Kurt Russell witnesses a rape but doesn’t bother to stop, presumably for fear of ripping his sweet acid wash jeans. = +5pts 
• The prison has its own house band (unfortunately, not Johnny Cash.) = +5pts 
• Main Character is a Dick Alert #2: Kurt Russell’s would be paramour is captured by the bad guys, presumably to be raped and/or murdered, and Kurt runs away without her. Hey, what you guys had was nice and all but Kurt’s gotta look out for #1, baby. = -8pts 
• Main Character is a Dick Alert #3: Cab driver saves Kurt Russell’s life, Kurt Russell points a gun at him and demands a free ride. = -2pts 
• Cab drivers in New York City carry Molotov cocktails. Also, in the movie, cab drivers light glass bottles on fire and throw them to make bombs. = +6pts 
• After reminding a character named Harold that they used to be “buddies” before it all went down, Kurt threatens to beat Harold’s “squeeze” for information. In 2015: = -3pts. In a 1940s noir film: = +10pts
• A prisoner wearing an ascot and coordinating trench coat (For fashion in unexpected places.) = +8pts

film.thedigitalfix.com

• Kurt Russell is apprehended by the post-apocalyptic Village People, who are holding the president hostage to protest the decline of disco. (We assume… A little checked out at this point.) = +5pts 

• IMDB ruins everything alert: It turns out that the leader of the post-apocalyptic Village People is not, in fact, the red-headed bully from A Christmas Story. = -3pts 

• Main Character is a Dick Alert #4: Kurt Russell has a snake tattoo from his abdomen to his penis. Get it? His name is Snake because his penis is as large as a snake. And probably a real big one, too, not like a garden snake. = -2pts

nerdreactor.com

• Kurt Russell and a guy who looks like Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds get shirtless and fight with wooden clubs, and for some reason a guy in a Coca-Cola shirt cheers them on (Coca-Cola, proud sponsor of dystopian prison bloodsports.) = +16pts 
• Main Character is a Dick Alert #5: Said to the female protagonist after her boyfriend dies: “He’s dead... Let’s go.” For an accurate summary of events: +5pts For sensitivity: = -10pts 
• For saving the president, the world, and taking the high road by not killing the evil scientist: = +7pts 
• For not having a bad-ass catch phrase, like every other '80s action film. (May we suggest: Looks like you’re not going to escape from New York!) = -11pts

Total Score = +79pts
Available: Amazon, the Wikipedia page explaining trigger warnings

Ah, the 80s. When you could have a movie based on ludicrous science and that buzzkill Neil DeGrasse Tyson wasn’t around to ruin it for us all (see: Interstellar, Gravity.) John Carpenter makes us miss the '80s, not just for its blatant disregard for scientific principles, but also for the days of lower budget action films, before the film industry became hyper-focused on CGI super heroes and endless remakes. However, not unlike Snake’s refusal to kill the scientist, we’re taking the high road on this one. So, movie industry, we’ll let you remake Carpenter’s Escape from New York and Big Trouble in Little China, if you promise to stay away from They Live.

Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 8

wikia.nocookie.net

Score Technician: TJ Geise

When we last left the Game of Thrones gang, Ramsay Snow was still a d-bag, Tyrion was all like, “What up?” to Daenerys, Sam got his freak on, and Cersei ended up thrown in the jank. Let’s see what’s going on now!

• Tyrion immediately proves to Daenerys why he’s the most reasonable person on the show. = +5pts 
• Beating the queen mother with a wooden spoon after whipping a dry roll into her face. Joffrey’s spinning in his gilded grave after that one! = +6pts 
• Selling oysters, clams, and cockles in service of the Many-Faced God. = +3pts 
• Placing bets on whether or not ships will make it to their destinations: Braavosi pastime or FOX’s newest reality show? = -3pts 
• Not giving a fizz about whether your disciple succeeds or fails. = -2pts 
• Expect to see the quote, “Belief is so often the death of reason,” on the bumpers of trendy atheists everywhere. = +2pts 
• Sansa finding common ground with her husband in her desire to torture and maim Theon Greyjoy. = -3pts 
• The anticipation of seeing Ramsay and twenty dudes go toe-to-toe against Stannis and his army. = +5pts 
• Being the right kind of terrible. = +5pts 
• Daenerys Targaryen: Wheelbreaker. = +4pts 
• Slurping tepid water from the floor of a dungeon cell. = -3pts 
• If you’ve ever wondered who in the heck buys snow camo, look no further than the Free Folk. = -4pts 
• Bludgeoning Skeletor to death with his own Havoc Staff. = -2pts 
• Getting everyone but the hairless cannibals to join #TeamSnow. = +8pts 
• Warrior Mom gets a little extra screen time saying goodbye to her adorable children. Brace yourselves… foreshadowing is coming. = -2pts 
• Nothing convinces people faster that winter is coming than seeing it show up on your doorstep. = +5pts 
• Zombies, and skeletons, and wights – oh, my! = +10pts 
• Jon Snow cutting a skeleton in half. = +5pts 
• Giant Liam Neeson stomping a skeleton into a mudhole. = +8pts 
• Being such a cold-ass honkey that you extinguish fire just by walking by. = +5pts
• Shattering steel with ice. = +3pts 
• The look on the White Walker’s face when Jon Snow’s steel didn’t shatter. = Priceless. 
• Kablooeying with a single blow the mini-boss of the Hardhome level. = +15pts 
• Warrior Mom is the scissors to the zombie children’s rock. = -4pts 
• It’s a living dead deluge! Wait, no, a zombieslide! Skeleton tsunami! Oh, oh, undeadalanche! = +9pts 
• Giant Liam Neeson swinging the flaming log of freedom. = +6pts 
• Not waving goodbye to Ice Satan and all of his new friends (including Warrior Mom). = -4pts
• For being the best fifteen-ish minutes of Season 5. = +15pts

Episode score: +92pts
Season score: +145pts

After seasons of hearing that Winter is Coming™, seeing it finally arrive was both frightening and exhilarating. An immeasurable force of destruction in action makes the civil war subplot moot. It’s like playing cops and robbers in the middle of a shelling. Knowing how Game of Thrones rolls, the battle between Ramsay and Stannis will likely get interrupted by White Walkers. That truly will be a song of ice and fire!