Thursday, May 7, 2015

Iron Man 3

Score Technician: Nick Enquist

The Marvel Cinematic Universe is currently the most successful film universe ever created, and with good reason. Almost every film Marvel has put out has been a fun, energetic blockbuster that breaks the bank. And with Avengers: Age of Ultron making lots of money, it’s time to continue our look at some of the films that got us here. Today we’re looking at the first post-Avengers film, Iron Man 3 directed by Shane Black. Is it a timeless classic that rivals the original Iron Man and the Avengers? Or should you get your repulsor beams out to blast it away? The nanobots are here to find out.
  • Starting off the movie with “I’m Blue” by European 90s pop sensation Eiffel 65 is probably not the best way to open a superhero movie. = -6pts (Nostalgia isn’t always a good thing.)
  • Opening the film with Tony Stark in 1999 Bern, Switzerland on New Year’s Eve. A wondrous time when Y2K was still scaring people, fashion was just as dead as grunge music, and European pop sensation Eiffel 65 was relevant… No, we’re not going to get over the fact that the movie started with that song. = -15pts
  • Hey! Yensen’s back! Do you remember him? He was in the first movie. He was the one in the cave who saved Tony Stark’s life in the cave. And helped him become Iron Man! Wow it’s great to see him again. He must have a big part in the movie then. = +3pts.
  • His scene is twenty seconds long. And it's just so he can introduce another character that we’re never going to see again… Well that was pointless. = -10pts.
  • Meeting Aldrich Killian, played by Guy Pierce as a geeky dweeb with glasses, and a hard-on for Tony Stark, who blows him off by telling him that he’ll meet him on the roof to talk business. You're a man of your word, Tony! = +2pts.
  • Putting the moves on a lady scientist who’s developing some genetic ability to hack into the human genome, but it causes massive explosions. If the science babble isn’t to your liking, just simply make up your own! = -10pts
  • Spending your days developing a new system that allows you to put your Iron Man suit on faster. Oh and since this is a Shane Black film, did we mention it has to take place during Christmas? = +2pts.
  • Taking a simple dressing scene and turning it into a bad slapstick routine. Damn it Downey! You played Chaplin once you can’t do it again! = -3pts
  • New terrorist named The Mandarin, played by Ben Kingsley, makes a hell of an intimidating entrance. = +6pts
  • Your best bud hunting down the Mandarin as the "Iron Patriot." = (+20pts For his cool suit of armor. -40pts For changing his name from War Machine to the lame Iron Patriot.) -20pts overall
  • Holes in space giving you PTSD, as opposed to the terrorists who kidnapped you for four months. = +2pts
  • Your PTSD being so bad that even the words “New York” give you an anxiety attack. This is new. Let’s see what they do with it. = +10pts
  • Pepper Potts meets up with a newer, sexier Aldrich Killian who puts his best Guy Pearce moves on her. Panties drop in 3… 2… = +2pts
  • Transforming from a dweeby nerd to a sexy symbol of technological advancement. Killian is like Steve Jobs on crack. = +4pts (For using the sexy crack and no the regular crack.)
  • You know what everybody loves about the Iron Man movies? The bickering. Yeah, that’s why we kept coming back. = -5pts.
  • Giving a tough and convincing confession about your PTSD to your best lady. = +3pts (For actually being touching.)
  • Your best lady leaving you alone when you really needs her. True love everybody! = -2pts
  • Your former bodyguard getting injured in an attack caused by The Mandarin, and your big plan is to give him your address? And the award for dumbest plan ever goes to… IRON MAN! = -12pts
  • The woman you were macking on in the beginning of the movie comes back to tell you  something, but is drowned out by your constant bickering. = -3pts
  • Surprise! Your house gets attacked. It’s almost like threatening a terrorist was a bad idea. = -5pts.
  • Pepper Potts as Iron Man Woman saving the day! = +3pts
  • You fancy suit gets damaged and it takes you to Tennessee? What did you upgrade the operating system to, Windows 8? = +6pts
  • Being beaten, groggy, and probably hung over in Tennessee. We’ve all been there. = +3pts
  • Meeting the most annoying little kid ever put on film. And yes we are including Haley Joel Osmont. = -10pts
  • Calling an eight-year-old kid a pussy may not be progressive, but it’s funny as all hell. = +30pts
  • Pepper and the mystery science lady… Wait she has a name? Maya? Huh. Well that changes things. Anyway. They discover that Aldrich Killian could be working for the Mandarin! = -10pts (Because, no shit Sherlock.)
  • When your only job in this movie is to be an annoying, and you decide to up your game by purposefully putting an Avenger into an uncomfortable state by reminding him of "New York." = -20pts (Why don’t you just bring up his dead dad while you’re at it.)
  • Being attacked by a crazed woman in Tennessee who also demonstrates the many side effects of Extremis. Some of which include homicidal tendencies, super strength, and turning your body into a walking nuke. = +10pts
  • Wait, is S.H.I.E.L.D. AWOL? No really. Dozens of ticking time bomb soldiers are blowing up parts of our country, and one of our biggest national security agencies isn’t there to try to stop it? What are they doing? Are they at the company luau? We think this takes precedence over Black Widow’s fire dance, and Hawkeye’s famous spam and eggs. = -30pts
  • Second worst idea Tony Stark's ever had? Leaving a ten billion dollar armored suit of death and destruction in the hands of an eight year old. = -8pts
  •  “So, you’re going to leave me? Just like my dad.” Kid, you’ve known him for two hours. = -2pts.
  • The Mandarin returns with the plot and decides to kill a man. But, hey at least it gets things started up again. = +20pts
  • Bringing back the The Iron Patriot. Let’s see Don Cheadle kick some ass. = +30pts
  • Stopping the plot again so that Tony can interact with the frat guy from The Mindy Project. At least Tony finds out where the Mandarin is. = +3pts.
  • Maya betrays Pepper to Aldrich Killian! = +4pts
  • Rhodey gets captured, and the nanobots would like to remind you all that Iron Man 2 did have a great scene where Iron Man and War Machine fought a bunch of robots. As of now however, Rhodey has done nothing great. = -5pts
  • Having another panic attack on your way to confront the Mandarin in Miami, thus proving that nothing good has ever come out of Florida= +14pts
  • “Why don’t you just build something?” Great advice, "kid." All one needs to do to combat PTSD is just build something. That’s it? Just build things? If only soldiers or abuse victims followed that advice! All they need to do is build something! (Que: forehead slap!) They’ll be right as rain in no time! You know what? We’re glad your dad left you. Why don't you just go build a mom who really loves you. = -100pts.
  • Of course this would turn Tony into Iron MacGuiver. = -10pts
  • Breaking into the Mandarin’s headquarters, in a very entertaining way. = +15pts
  • Side bar: It’s a little hypocritical for everybody getting huffy about Superman killing Zod in Man of Steel, and then nobody getting mad when Tony Stark kills half a dozen people with stuff from Home Depot. That’s some straight up serial killer shit right there. = -25pts
  • The Mandarin turns out to be…a lame actor doing a bad Ringo Star impression. = (+7pts for the people who actually thought this was funny. -40 pts for the people who hated this twist.) -33pts
  • Just saying "no" after getting captured by your ex one-night-stand, who is trying to get you to help her formula that is contributing to a campaign of mass terror. = +12pts
  • Killian forgets the most important lesson from The Incredibles, and goes on a very long monologue explaining his convoluted plan involving more of that Extremis stuff, and a rebuilding of society, or some bullshit, honestly the nanobots don’t care anymore and neither should you. = -10pts.
  • Killian ups the ante and injects Iron Man's girlfriend with the Extremis stuff. = +4pts
  • Maya is killed by Killian (hey a pun!). = +3pts
  • Rhodey getting his ass kicked by a fire breathing Guy Pearce. = +7pts
  • Iron Man suiting back up and wreaking havoc, while Rhodey busts out too. Super bros unite! = +33pts
  • Apparently this conspiracy is so big even the Vice President/asshole from Robocop is involved. = +20pts
  • Expecting an amazing battle in New York that rivals The Avengers ending fight scene. = +25pts
  • Taking over the The Iron Patriot so you can kidnap the president. = +20pts
  • Air Force One is down! The crew is free falling with out parachutes! Only Iron Man can save them now! = +40pts
  • Saving everybody, but losing your suit in the act. Guess it’s time for every different Iron Man suits ever. Awesome. = +35pts
  • All right! Here we are! The final confrontation! And it’s at some non descript shipping yard that nobody knows where…GOD DAMN IT MOVIE!!! After all that talk about New York, you have the gall to not have the final confrontation to be in NYC? What a rip! Chekov is rolling in his grave! With his gun! = -99pts
  • Though to be fair, it's a CGI extravaganza full of fun and excitement. = +48pts
  • Gwenyth Paltrow rocking the sports bra.That's so, Goop! = +7pts
  • Your girlfriend falling to her death and leaving you alone to brawl with Super Powered lava man! = +35pts
  • Trapping you rival in your latest suit and blowing him up. = +16pts
  • Scientific experiment #1: Not laughing when Guy Pearce belts out, “I AM THE MANDARIN!” = +3pts
  • Your girlfriend coming back from the dead with super powers and kicking your rival’s ass to dust. = +5pts
  • Destroying all of your suits, getting all the shrapnel out of your chest and taking out your arc rector, because you're done being Iron Man. At least until Avengers 2 rolls around and you wants to buy that ninth beach home. = -30pts
  • Everything turns out okay. Happy wakes up from his coma. The little bastard gets rewarded for his obnoxiousness. And Tony throws his arc reactor into the sea, because his life is the Titanic. = -10pts
  • “One thing you can’t take away. I am Iron Man.” Wait, not anymore you’re not. = -7pts
  • Thank God for Mark Ruffalo. = +50pts
Total score: +28pts

Of all the Iron Man movies, this is the weakest. It does nothing for the growth of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, which is disappointing, because Avengers had just come out a year before and fans were craving expansion with new characters and story lines. There’s a lot of build up and tension with no actual pay off. An annoying little kid that brings the movie to a screeching halt. A Tony Stark that seems to be more akin to Harry Lockhart from Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang than Iron Man. And while there’s a bit of humor, and some fun action scenes it doesn’t make up for the fact that Guy Pearce’s character is blander than the color of your living room (but way more gorgeous), Don Cheadle is barely in it, Gwenyth Paltrow has no real development or growth as a character, and Tony Stark sucks at being Iron Man. Don’t worry about the continuity for the next Marvel movies and skip this Iron Turd.

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