Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 7

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

After last week's inevitable nightmare, Game of Thrones tried its best to hit the throttle on getting as far away from Ramsey Snow as possible. Unfortunately, Westeros being what it is, it was only a matter of time before the narrative circled back on itself and collided head-on with...more rape stuff. Is there a bright spot on the horizon? That depends on your perspective. Luckily, the nanobots remain forever impartial. Time to get our science on...
  • Giving your best bud your super secret zombie killing weapon before he embarks on a suicide mission in the land of the bathless men. = +15pts
  • Letting an old blind man pet your baby before he dies. = +10pts
  • Asking Theon to do anything other than kill himself. = -3pts
  • Outing your former ward-sister to her unbelievably psychotic and rapey bastard husband. =  -10pts
  • Reminding a bastard that he'll always be a fucking bastard. = +4pts
  • Trying to convince your lover to sacrifice his daughter for essentially what amounts to a warm breeze. = -3pts
  • Not murdering your daughter for something as stupid as a warm breeze. = +6pts
  • Pulling the ol' beat my face til you get tired trick. = +3pts (If it was good enough for Ali, it's good enough for Sam, the Ali of old libraries.)
  • Bringing a Dire Wolf to a rape fight. = +10pts
  • Breaking your stupid meaningless boys club vow in exchange for Hot Sex on a Platter. = +10pts
  • Standing by and doing nothing but laugh as a dwarf beats the shit out of his slave captor with his own chains. = +6pts
  • Crying in Westeros. = -2pts
  • Being a king and crying in Westeros. = -4pts
  • Making prison sexy. = +5pts (Just when we think we're out, Westeros. You pull us back in...)
  • Telling the naked woman who poisoned you that she is the most beautiful woman you've ever seen just so she'll give you the antidote to the poison she infected you with. = +4pts (That's just good business sense, people.)
  • Being surprised when the religious fanatics that you've empowered turn on you. = +5pts (Because the nanobots are starved for ironic justice.)
  • Referring to your dwarven companion as a "gift." = -3pts
  • Tyrion meeting Daenerys. = +15pts
Episode Score = +64pts
Season Score = +53pts

This episode seemed to function as a well-intentioned olive branch for anyone too upset by the last few weeks. Many of the more likable characters on the show had small and meaningful heroic moments, while the least likable all got taken down a peg or two. Now that two of the most popular figures in the show have met, we can cross our fingers and imagine that retributions and reckonings are just beyond the horizon.

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