Knowing now that Jaime and Jon Snow are both home safe, The Hound is still a badass, and Daenerys still has more guys orbiting around her friend zone than Jupiter has moons, curiosity has built about what's going down with Bran (and, more importantly, Hodor), Stannis, and Theon (oh, sorry... Reek). The second episode of a season will almost certainly give us a view of the characters neglected in the first episode, but Game of Thrones has yet to succumb to the “fillersode” demands of lesser shows. Will tonight be any different? The nanobots will scrobble us an answer.
- Twitching along behind your kidnapper while he hunts humans in the wilderness takes Stockholm Syndrome to unsettling new heights. = -4pts
- “Your new hand is nicer.” Leave it to Tyrion to always know the right words to say to his brother. = +6pts
- Clandestine swordfighting lessons in Bronn's Secret Dock of Adultery. = +8pts
- You know you're a sicko when your dad, home from his trip spent stabbing wedding-goers, thinks your turning a man into a dickless butt-puppet was messed-the-hell-up. = -5pts
- Joffrey is nice just long enough to get everyone's hopes up before he slashes a book in half and (sexually) muses about Ned Stark's execution. = -10pts
- Not looking your whore in the eyes when you tell her to piss off. = -4pts
- Stannis makes it clear that he gives zero fucks about his brother-in-law being burned at the stake for...not setting the table or something. = +7pts
- Given that we've watched three seasons of Game of Thrones, it's hard to disagree with Melisandre's view of Westeros being The One True Hell. = +3pts
- Hodor-deer! = +4pts
- Talking to Bran Stark about his warging abuse sounds like an after school about the dangers of huffing glue...or masturbating. = -3pts
- Peter Dinklage relives his 2012 Golden Globe reaction during Joffrey and Margaery's wedding. = +6pts
- Joffrey lets his wedding band play just long enough for you to think, “Is that Sigur Ros?” before he whips coins at them. = +5pts
- Sigur Ros taking the money and running. = -1pt (Despite their elegiac sound, we thought they were made of sterner stuff.)
- This wedding has more scathing rejoinders than a rap battle between Oscar Wilde and Winston Churchill. = +12pts
- Announcing that a royal wedding isn't a source of amusement scant moments before making little people fight. = +3pts
- Insinuating dwarf rape. = -4pts
- Pausing the episode to stare into Joffrey's cold, dead, blood-filled eyes. = +100pts
Episode Score: +123pts
Season Score: +150pts
While last's seasons Red Wedding left fans wiping away tears on the sleeves of their House Stark t-shirts, this season's Purple Wedding has fans high-fiving so hard that io9 ran an article for The 50 Greatest Tweets About Last Night's Game of Thrones.
Though the second episode may be a triumph in the short term, Tyrion is in hot water, Tywin's going to start calling the shots, and Cersei will be even more unbearable for the rest of the show. We can practically hear her now, caterwauling and not having sex with her brother.
Score Technician: T. J. Geise