Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Tetsuo: The Bullet Man

Tetsuo: The Bullet Man is on Netflix?! This must mean that it is the best of the Tetsuo movies! And, while even Wikipedia can't seem to discern the difference between any of them, we figured we'd give it the old Scorecard try. Warning: Watching this film without a Scorecard handy may result in fits of serenity and bliss, both of which strongly correlate with spontaneous combustion.
  • Hmm, wonder what possible movie Tetsuo The Bullet Man Group might be presenting? = +15pts
  • Wait, that dude isn’t Japanese! = -6pts
  • Hey, what’s that condition guys get when they hear their wives/girlfriends mumbling murderous things to themselves on the toilet in the bathroom and rather than take her to the doctor, they go to the doctor for a standard check-up instead? Oh yeah, douchbagery. = -2pts
  • If your bio-technician father runs towards you after you cut your hand on a tiny piece of glass because he thinks he sees smoke coming from your wound, then you probably need to change doctors. = +3pts
  • It’s hard to say what exactly happened at this point in the movie. Best to keep it short: Terrible set. Eurotrash sedan. Running over a child. Scratch that, running over a howling creature. A pool of smoking blood. Sadness. Dancing. = +3pts
  • Hey, what’s that condition guys get when their kids are run over by a strange car and then they inhale their child’s smoking blood while dancing/writhing underneath a spotlight and a shower in a three piece suit they weren’t wearing 10 seconds ago? Oh yeah, The Prodigy. = +2pts
  • Oh yeah! It’s called Tetsuo: The Bullet Man! How could the Testuo The Bullet Man Group have let us forget? Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to have an epileptic fit during this opening credit sequence. (+3pts for the reminder, -10pts for the seizure) = -7pts
  • Waving the camera around to emphasize inner physical and emotional turmoil. = -5pts,
  • Doing so after your audience has just recovered from a seizure. = -10pts
  • Where do these people live? At the Sharper Image, or in The Book of Eli? = +2pts
  • If your ringtone causes you to curl up, dry heave, and see a spinning gear faced apparition, you may need to put some Umbrella on that shit instead. =+5pts
  • If the sound of your boss’s voice demanding you finish a presentation for work (3) days (tops) after your son was mysteriously killed causes you to spit up black fluid, consider consulting a physician who is not you bio-technician father. We’re just sayin’… =  +5pts
  • For a movie that is only 70 minutes, it sure feels like it’s been playing for hours. = -25pts (Mandatory Deduction)
  • Apparently when a white man speaks Japanese, things will spontaneously grow out of his face, and the FedEx guy will be obligated to try to kill him. Message received Japan. Loud and clear. = +3pts
  • Can’t think of many American white boys who went to college in the 90’s who didn’t fantasize about John Woo shooting them dead in a bathtub. We bet they’d even settle for a dead-on-lookalike like the guy in this movie. = +5pts
  • Falling from several stories up onto a bad guy’s car even though he’s driving through a low-ceilinged parking garage that your average semi couldn’t drive through. = +3pts
  • Bullet Bukkake! = +5pts
  • You’ve just bullet-jizzed over an entire car. Why not check your email next? What else are you gonna do? = +3pts
  • Hey, look! Another epileptic fit courtesy of the camerawork of this movie! Thanks movie! = -10pts
  • Things you wouldn’t mind finding when going through your parent’s closet after they’ve died: porn, weed, money, bonds, your real parents’ address and phone number. Things you would mind finding: Homemade porn, letters from your real mother that have been written throughout your adult life but were sequestered by insecure fake parents, evidence that your bio-technician father had been experimenting on you and your son, thus explaining your new cock rifle. = -4pts
  • Scratch that. Finding those things and the preserved remains of your mother who even in death appears to be weeping. = -8pts
  • Hold up. Finding out all of the above and learning that you were a weaponized android (who knows at this point?) placed into the body of another android created from the body of your dead mother so that your bio-technician dad could…um, not be lonely? Not a good day for you, sir! = +10pts (To help you turn that gun-frown upside down.)
  • Casting a movie with what appears to be your paintball buddies as opposed to real actors. = +3pts (This is always a good thing.)
  • How does turning into a living machine gun also grant you the powers to defy gravity and climb walls!? Talk about an embarrassment of riches! = +10pts
  • Suicide fail. = -3pts
  • Tetsuo Jenga with your wife! It’s big in the swinging red-light district of bat-shit crazy! = -3pts
  • A nice candlelight dinner with dad. = +2pts
  • Worst PSA for procreation ever. -3pts
  • Worst PSA for women ever. = -10pts
  • The Hulk called and he’d like his catchphrase back. = -3pts
  • Worst. Episode. Of. The. Bachelor. Ever. = -3pts
  • For having more endings than Lord of the Rings. = -5pts
  • Just cause he has a sweet ass and is covered in oil-sweat don’t make him normal, sweetie. = +5pts
  • Um, your new kid looks exactly like your old dead kid. This will end well. (Again…) = +5pts
Total Score = -18pts

It’s rare that a movie can literally cause you physical pain. So let’s give credit where credit is due! Well done, Shinya Tsukamoto! You’ve created a film that is punishing to all five senses, while offering little in the way of plot, characters, or resolution. And you did so in only 70 excruciating minutes! Now, if you’ll excuse us. We have to go make ourselves a glass of hot coco. 9 out of 10 bio-technician father/doctors recommend reading this scorecard rather than watching this movie.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

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