Monday, February 4, 2013

Phantasm II

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Phantasm II:
  • Calling your big evil guy the "Tall Man" and then giving him lifts so that he is even taller. = +25pts
  • The implied sexual relationship between the main character and his "Uncle" Reggie. = -40pts
  • The extensive use of little people as druids and staging several scenes around their ability to hide in just the right cabinet. = +25pts
  • Watching a grown man toss aside his shotgun in favor of fleeing a two-foot tall little druid climbing up a laundry shoot. = +25pts
  • Trading in "gender-confusing-Mike" (think the guy/girl from Real Genius) for "less-gender-confusing-Mike." (back then = +30 pts) Now = -10pts
  • Not hiring Brad Pitt for the role of Mike. I am dead serious. They could have. = -50pts
  • Calling little people midgets. (in 1988 = 0pts) Now = -10 pts
  • Mike's need to continually dig up graves even though it's clear after the first couple that the bodies are suspiciously missing, thus proving that his time in the mental institution wasn't totally unwarranted. "Look, Mike, you may be right, but that doesn't mean you aren't a little crazy. Let's talk about your Uncle Reggie." = +10pts
  • Blowing up Uncle Reggie's house twice in the fist 12 minutes. (2 separate houses. Does this go without saying? Cause they look like the same house.) = +30 pts.
  • The bizarre shift in voiceover narrators. Who's story is this anyway? = -10pts
  • The bizarre genre shift 20 minutes into the movie. "Horror? No, no, no, no. We saw this movie called Terminator (and at least six other movies who's names escape us at the moment) on VHS, and they were really cool.= -30pts
  • Paying for things you clearly stole when there is no actual cashier working there to tell you how much things cost. "What would you say, 40 bucks for all of the large unwieldy tools and sharp objects? Wait, don't forget every mini-propane tank they had and the use of their buzz-saw. Oh, and the chainsaws.'re right. 50 bucks." = +10pts
  • Talking in the past tense about things that haven't actually happened yet. = +40pts
  • Having the main character tell his uncle while robbing a tool shop stocked with shotguns that shotguns won't do anything to the little druids, only to see him 8 minutes later hand over his flamethrower to his uncle so that he can approach a little druid armed only with a 9mm. (Additional proof that this movie was conceived by an orgy of at least 3 other movies and born in the filthiest B-movie back-lot and left to feed itself or die. Not always a bad thing.) = +20pts
  • Second. Best. Back. Acne. Scene. Ever = +75 pts
  • Perigord, Oregon. = -10pts
  • Oh, look, it's a drunk Catholic priest who questions his faith. Snore. = -10pts
  • Uncle Reggie using the term "take a leak" as an excuse to talk with his nephew in private and then standing too close to his nephew while he takes an actual leak, and doing so at an angle that seems to imply he is either peeing on his nephew's feet, trying to get him to look at his junk, or both; while simultaneously trying to convince his nephew (but really, the audience) that he has a thing for the hitchhiker he just inexplicably picked up. You aren't fooling anyone Uncle Reggie. = -20pts
  • The ball = +50pts
  • Making out with a guy you just met in an open grave. = +50pts (True love. Can you really put a value on it?)
  • What are you Reggie? Bad-ass road warrior? Handyman? Pederast? Your tool belt is confusing us. = -25pts
  • A bag of bone-dust labeled "Mr. Sam Rami". That explains so much. (The 4-barrell shotgun. The chainsaw. Etc.) = 0pts (We aren't whores.)
  • Two words: Chainsaw. Duel. = +80pts
  • Gold Ball = 0pts (We said we aren't whores! Although a laser that makes things explode and can saw its way up and through a man's back before getting stuck in his jaw comes close.) Who are we kidding, we are total whores! = +50pts
  • Three words: Chainsaw. To. Balls. = +30pts
  • Turns out shotguns do work. = -25pts
  • "Hey, Mike. Remember back in the original Phantasm when you fell into the interdemensional doorway and almost died? That couldn't possibly happen again, right? Mike? MIKE?!" = -10PTS
  • The scene with the Tall Man dying from what looks like a transfusion of frat urine. = +20pts
  • The final scare in which a main character dies, thus negating a majority of the voiceover. = -50pts
Progressive Cinema Score Total: +240pts

Final Note: A classic piece of frankensteined genres that somehow finds itself with a ridiculously high score. Good on you, Mr. Don Coscarelli. You completely untalented hack, you. We'll see you at John Dies at the End.

 Scoring Technician: Sean McConnell

No comments:

Post a Comment