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- Breaking in your new maid by having her serve your deranged son condoms on a silver platter. = +2pts
- Insinuating that your son is so crazily inbred that his impregnation of uterus-sharing Siamese twins would sully their gene pool. = -4pts
- Wrapping up the World’s Most Adorable Woman as a birthday gift for Elsa. = +3pts
- Elsa’s birthday demands: have fun or have knives thrown at you while shackled to a circus wheel. = -7pts (This is a really tough choice.)
- Denying that anyone knows about your pity-fucking an aging starlet only to have The World’s Most Adorable Woman swaddled twenty feet away. = -5pts (The things she must have heard!)
- Bringing up the time you shared in an opium-induced orgy is a great way to convince a guy to have sex with you again. = -4pts
- If Woolworth's had been more successful in advertising their ice cream, maybe they wouldn't have been bought out by Foot Locker. Or maybe Foot Locker should just start serving ice cream. = +3pts (We need to make this happen. Email write-in campaign, ho!)
- Tossing a hissy after being called out on the bullshit you told in a secret-telling game. = -4pts
- Fantasizing about drowning the World’s Most Adorable Woman in formaldehyde. = -10pts
- Making us watch the aforementioned fantasy play out in gruesome detail. = -40pts
- Volunteering to let an egomaniacal amputee strap you to the Wheel of Death so that none of your friends get knives thrown at them. = +5pts
- “Accidentally” murdering the only guy who pity-fucks you because he “spread rumors” about how you sold your star attraction to a crazy inbred serial killer. = -10pts (Even though that's totally what happened – come on.)
- Losing your NRA membership for pointing a gun at your daughter and then pussing out on pulling the trigger. = -4pts
- Even though she's about to get drowned in a toddler-sized mason jar, the World's Most Adorable Woman can't help but be 31 flavors of cute. = +5pts
- Wait, they're not actually going to let Maggie kill her, are they? She's making butterfly hands and talking about wanting nothing more than to ride a pony. What the shit, guys? = -25pts
- Maggie's choice to run away with Jimmy Darling instead of killing the World's Most Adorable Woman is the most positive thing to have happened this season. +50pts
- Coming to the realization that you are the White Affluent Specter of Death after your mother reads aloud from your captive girlfriend’s scathing journal entry about how stinky and boring you are. = -5pts
- “My son has no friends.” Nailed it! = +8pts
- After Elsa calls Ethel the sister she never had (because – yikes – her real sister was stillborn), Ethel feels so warm and fuzzy that she threatens to kill Elsa if she was lying about what happened to the twins. Here's hoping that Ethel bumps into Dandy at the drugstore too! = +7pts
- Realizing that the subplot of Denis O'Hare wanting to kill a circus freak is completely unnecessary given how many freak corpses are littering the camp grounds. Dig anywhere, Denis – you'll find one! = -15pts
Episode Score = -60pts
Season Score = -44pts
This was the episode that made it clear that Freak Show was going to be more Coven and less Asylum.
It was so thickly foreshadowed that the newly-unveiled Wheel of Death coupled with the sudden focus on developing Paul's character meant curtains for our favorite Illustrated Seal. This greatly skewed the ratio of likeable characters to unlikeable ones, so much so that it's going to be even more difficult to continue watching the show.
Knowing American Horror Story's track record, however, the writers will introduce so many new characters that at least one of them will have to be likeable. We call this "The Papa Legba Effect." With news that Neil Patrick Harris will be guest starring in the later episodes, we're can only hope that The Papa Legba Effect will be proven correct!
Score Technician: TJ Geise
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