Halloween II (2009)

Two years after his remake of Halloween, Rob Zombie steps back up to the plate to tackle Halloween II. Mr. Zombie is in many respects a talented film-maker. He has a powerful and distinctive visual sense. He understands pacing, editing, lighting. He understands film.

He does not, however, seem to understand humans, or the things they do, or why and how they do those things. If RZ’s previous film endeavors have taught us anything, it’s that he will show us only, almost without exception, the worst examples of humankind: the filthiest, the stupidest, the most miserable and hateful; the drunk and the nihilist, the racist and the slob.

Is it possible for Rob Zombie to tell a story in the absence of any characters with whom the audience can identify? Can we reach a satisfying conclusion to this narrative by walking in Michael Myers’ enormous, bloody bootprints?

Perhaps the nanobots can find answers in this unrated director’s cut. We have followed where Rob Zombie led, and now we desperately search for a light to guide us home.

• The action picks up exactly where Rob Zombie’s Halloween leaves off, right after Laurie Strode shoots Michael Myers in the head. = +4pts 
• Once again, the town sheriff is played by Brad Dourif, all around Good Guy. = +12pts 
• A nice extended scene of Laurie getting her wounds attended to in the hospital reminds us why we chose not to become trauma surgeons. = +6pts 
• One of the coroner’s van drivers goes on about how a dead, naked girl they’re transporting was F-I-N-E fine and how he never got “urges” with the corpses until tonight. We don’t believe him. = -7pts 
• The other driver tells him, “That’s disgusting. Stop. Shut up.” He must be a visitor from beyond the Rob Zombie-verse. = +9pts 
• You can’t just yell Cow! and expect a response. You need to provide context. = -6pts 
• The Coroner’s van, which is transporting Michael’s corpse, hits a cow on a deserted country road. This movie can now add vehicular cowslaughter to its list of crimes. = -3pts 
• This accident brings Michael back to life. Or wakes him up. We don’t know, and the movie won’t tell us, because in its secret heart it despises us. = -4pts 
• Michael, off his meds for a few days and now shot in the head, begins to hallucinate his dead mother leading a white horse as some sort of spirit guide. = -8pts 
• In Laurie’s dream sequence, every TV in the hospital is tuned to the Moody Blues playing "Nights in White Satin." Meanwhile, Michael is chasing and trying to axe murder her, which we find somehow less disturbing. = -3pts 
• It is two years later and Laurie lives with her friend, Annie, who is also a Michael Myers survivor from the first movie, and Annie's dad, the town sheriff. We’ll just be referring to this place as PTSD house from now on. = -5pts 
• Malcolm McDowell plays Dr. Loomis as an even worse, but more famous, child psychologist/rock star than he did in the first movie. = -7pts 
• Howard Hesseman shows up as a character named Uncle Meat, which is totally just Dr. Johnny Fever 40 years later. = +4pts 
• Laurie’s post-trauma lifestyle includes working at Uncle Meat’s crack den coffee house, showing off her tramp stamp and screaming obscenities at the top of her lungs. = -5pts 
• But she listens to MC5! The best reason to scream obscenities at the top of your lungs! = +15pts 
• Michael has been spending the last two years not dead as everyone in Haddonfield believes, but as a 7.5 foot tall vagrant that hangs out in a run down barn owned by a seemingly less successful branch of the Duck Dynasty family. = +8pts 
• Unobtrusively. = -75pts 
• The family discovers him, resulting in a Donald Duck Dynasty beatdown of Michael. = -6pts 
• Time for Michael to put on his murderin’ mask and get to work. = +20pts 
• Michael’s creative use of the antlers affixed to the front of the truck now allows the redneck patriarch to be used as a colander. = +7pts 
• Laurie makes an emergency visit to her therapist (Margot Kidder!) and tries to negotiate a prescription refill by screaming obscenities at her at the top of her lungs. = -10pts 
• Later, Laurie tries to convince Annie to get out of her room by screaming obscenities at her at the top of her lungs. = -15pts 
• In his empty strip club, the owner mutters that Haddonfield “loves him like cancer.” Cancer clearly has a superior brand. = -4pts 
• Michael’s mother/spirit guide sends him to the club, her former place of employment, where he starts murdering people. We are not sad. = -7pts 
• While reading Dr. Loomis’ new book, Laurie learns that she is Michael’s little sister. So, using the tools she learned in therapy, she screams obscenities at the top of her lungs. = -20pts 
• All of the dialog between Dr. Loomis and his assistant is more stiff and awkward than a beginner’s improv workshop. = -6pts 
• In fact, Michael Myers is becoming our favorite character simply because he makes all the other characters stop saying words. = +19pts 
• Laurie decides that facing the truth about her heritage is too much to bear. Time to get liquored up. Makes sense so far. = +4pts 
• Stopping to put on thematically matched costumes with friends, then hiking to Haddonfield’s monster Halloween bash, makes less sense in this context. = -4pts 
• Rob Zombie presents: Captain Clegg and the Night Creatures! The delicious cherry atop this cake of filth and sadness. = +35pts 
• More people die. Whatever. = -7pts 
• This movie ends in a Hamlet-esque pile of dead bodies which means the Myers family is reunited, or something. Honestly, we stopped caring about any of this about 20 minutes ago. = -16pts 

Total points = -66pts
Available on: Amazon Prime

After literally opening the film with the definition of his primary visual symbol, Rob Zombie goes on to serve up the imagery and related themes on a plate. And yet Halloween II still makes no sense. We could forgive Halloween II for that, if in its head-scratching weirdness it managed to deliver anything of interest. Or touched any emotional chord. But it did not.

Instead it just confused us. An argument can be made that Laurie is the protagonist of this film with Michael filling the role of the antagonist. However, Rob Zombie spends so much time on Michael’s story of woe between the two Halloween films, that a counter argument can be made that Michael is the protagonist. The nanobots seem to think that RZ has created a new category of fictional character that they are calling simply, “‘tagonists.” We hope that the literary community recognizes this scientific breakthrough and begins using this term immediately.

Score Technicians: John Ormond and Stacey Hanlon

Halloween II

horrorhomework.com

If Norman Bates and Leatherface were the slasher film's biological parents, then Michael Myers was its abusive foster dad. John Carpenter's Halloween seized the disparate elements present in those early forbearers and forged them into the tried and true formula that every movie in the tradition has followed ever since. With Halloween II, Carpenter (along with writing partner Deb Hill and director Rick Rosenthall) sought to look further into that fateful Halloween night back in '78. The original ended with Myers shot six times and thrown out a second-story window, only to have his body disappear. Our prediction? He crawled off someplace to die of serious internal injuries, and the remainder of the movie is about Laurie Strode's (Jaime Lee Curtis) peaceful convalescence in the hospital...

• Beginning your movie with the last five minutes of your last movie. = +3pts (Hey, it was the early '80s; most of us didn't own VCRs back then.) 
• Donald Pleasance cast as Dr. Sam Loomis but seems to think he's King Lear. = -8pts 
• Pausing a moment to point out that this movie was edited by Skip Skoolnick, a man with a name so wholesome, he can only be neighbor teen from Leave It to Beaver who was sucked into the real world through some electromagnetic anomaly. = +4pts 
• Post-opening credit scene filmed in Halloween's patented Stalkervision^TM. = +15pts 
• Michael Myers pops by a lone teen girl's house to grab a murder for the road. = +2pts 
• Paramedics rush Jaime Lee Curtis to the hospital past a boy whom we can only guess came down with a serious case of "sass mouth." = +1pt 
• Donald Pleasance showing zero compunction over waving a gun around in a cop car, crowded street full of children. = +11pts 
• Guy in Michael Myer's mask hit by speeding police vehicle, pinned to a news van, and then incinerated as the rocket fuel that the officer was storing near his engine catches fire (at least, we're assuming that's what happened. There's no other logical explanation for why a t-bone collision would result in a massive conflagration). = +14pts 

horrornews.net

• By the way, no one in the movie is nearly as concerned as they should be that a cop accidentally plowed into a pedestrian so hard that the guy burned to death while pinned between two vehicles. = -9pts 
• The teenage paramedic sneaking into Jaime Lee Curtis's room to watch her sleep is supposed to be touching. Supposed to be. = -10pts 
• Paramedic Budd lives up to his name by smoking a J in the break room. = +13pts 
• As if showing up late to work wasn't bad enough, the "slutty" nurse is now shamelessly flirting with Budd. Thank God masked, butcher-knife wielding justice is on its way to clean up this lot of miscreants. = -4pts 
• To be clear: The prissy nurse has no problem with Budd's illegal drug use in her presence, but she just cannot tolerate all that sailor talk. = -2pts (Slasher movie rules dictate that she's probably going to come out of this alive.) 
• Budd advises his teenage companion not to get involved with patients, but that nurses are another story. But maybe don't take advice from a guy who has to smoke up where he works. = -4pts 
• The fat hospital security guard seems fated to die of repeated jump-scares. = -5pts 
• Never mind... Claw hammer. = +7pts 
• Upon discovering that the flash-fried body is not Michael Myers, the Haddonfield police, in conjunction with city hall, arrange for a lawyer for the officer that hit him and hire an expert PR firm to help them weather the media firestorm that this tragedy will doubtlessly unleash. Ha ha, J/K. He is immediately forgotten. = -10pts 
• A cryptic dream sequence that throws Jaime Lee Curtis's parentage into question? Eh, it's probably nothing. = +3pts 
• Budd and "Slutty" Nurse have a rendezvous in the hydrotherapy tub, which seems needlessly involved for a work-quicky. = - 7pts 
• Predictably, this encounter ends with Budd strangled to death and "Slutty" Nurse getting her face scalded off, but not before we got to see her boobs for a few seconds! = -14pts 
• Why does the gauge on the hydrotherapy tub even go up to "scalding?" That just seems like poor design. = -6pts 
• Sorry if we're beating a dead horse here, but that would be like if an ordinary light switch could be turned up to "permanently blinding." Under what circumstances do you want that to happen? = -5pts 
• Donald Pleasance finds "Samhain" written in blood in an empty schoolhouse and determines that Michael Myers is preparing an old-school pagan sacrifice. Really, though, he was just expressing his enthusiasm for Danzig's post-Misfits body of work. = +16pts (We know the timeline doesn't work. Shut up about it.) 
• Donald Pleasance's superior from the mental hospital comes to retrieve him, along with a federal marshal. Was not aware that "chaufferring civil servants" fell under the marshal's mandate, but I guess there's a lot we don't know. = -3pts 
• Hey, Prissy Nurse bites it after all! = +10pts 
• The teen paramedic knocking himself unconscious after slipping on all of the blood in the head nurse's body. = +8pts 

frightskool.blogspot.com

• Even when the object of his life-long, murderous obsession is on the cusp of evading him in a very slowly closing elevator door, Michael Myers takes things at his own pace. All of us scrambling around in this workaday rat race of a world could take a page from his book. = +7pts 
• Donald Pleasance learns that Jamie Lee Curtis HAS BEEN MICHAEL'S ESTRANGED SISTER ALL ALONG. WHOOOOAAAAAA! MICHAEL TOTALLY HAS A MOTIVE NOW! = +4pts 
• Donald Pleasance, who has apparently become the prototype for Frank Reynolds, forces the marshal to drive him to the hospital at gunpoint. = +12pts 
• Teen paramedic makes his way into the car where, up until now, Jamie Lee Curtis has been successfully hiding from her psychotic brother. He does not help her situation. = -2pts 
• Upon arriving at the hospital, the marshal is obliging enough to come inside and investigate with Donald Pleasance rather than, you know, arresting him on the spot for pulling a gun on a federal officer. = -6pts 
• My wife's reaction, after watching Jamie Lee Curtis fail to call out for help in time to get the attention of Donald Pleasance's entourage: "She's like the opposite of Sigourney Weaver." = -18pts 
• Despite her best efforts, Jaime Lee Curtis is still rescued by Donald Pleasance, who once again unloads a full cylinder into Myers. = +3pts 
• The marshal does not think to kick the scalpel out of Michael Myers' hand before checking for vitals. Raylan Givens this guy is not. = -10pts 
• Holing up in a surgery room, Donald Pleasance hands Jaime Lee Curtis another gun that we guess he's been carrying all along. Donald Pleasance never rolls out unless he's double-strapped. = +7pts 
• Jaime Lee Curtis proves to be a natural marksman by shooting out both of her brother's eyes. = +2pts 
• Michael Myers' blind flailing about in the operating room reminds us of this classic Simpsons' moment. = -8pts 
• The shot of his burning figure emerging from the massive explosion in the operating room is pretty badass, though. = +20pts 

blu-ray.com

Total Score = +31pts
Available on: DVD

Halloween II is not without its admirable qualities. The fact that it picks up immediately where the original leaves off is pretty cool, and it makes good use early on of the first-person camera work that was so unsettling in the first installment. Overall, though, it feels a little like "more of the same," except Jaime Lee Curtis doesn't really have anything to do except hobble away and scream. Even the big reveal that she's Michael's estranged sister feels a little underdeveloped. Don't get us wrong, compared to the later sequels, HII is Citizen Fucking Kane, but it's not exactly all that it could have been.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

Halloween (2007)

To remake or not to remake? That is the question put before the nanobots today as we consider Rob Zombie’s 2007 remake of John Carpenter’s 1978 movie, Halloween . The netizens are hopelessly divided on this topic and either this movie is “an abomination before God” or “Rob Zombie rulez!” Everyone, however, has missed the most important question of all which is, “What do the nanobots think?” So, let’s find out!

• Opening the movie with KISS’s “God of Thunder” on the soundtrack while 10 year old Michael Myers plays with his pet rats. = +6pts 
• Meanwhile, downstairs in the kitchen, Michael’s mom and her boyfriend, Ronnie, are engaged in their breakfast domestic disturbance. We get the feeling this is pretty much how every day starts in the Myers’ household. = -8pts 
• Ronnie’s aggravation this morning seems to be that, “all that baby does is cry and shit.” Yeah, numbnuts, it’s a baby. What do you want her to do, recite the Fibonacci sequence? = -6pts 
• Michael’s older sister, Judith, enters the kitchen wearing shorts and a tubetop. In Illinois. In October. We call bullshit. = -4pts 
• Ronnie comments on how hot Judith’s “dumper” is. We now know what it looks like when nanobots vomit. =- 7pts 
• Did we say Michael was playing with his rats? We meant murdering them. = -5pts 
• Michael says a pleasant “good morning” to his baby sister, Boo. Yep, you read that right. The only loving, caring act we’ve seen so far out of anyone in the Myers family is made by the kid who currently rates 5 out of 9 factors on the “Early Warning Signs of a Serial Killer” test. = -6pts 
• Baby Boo has a homemade mobile made out of beer can pop tops, like we needed another reminder of the shitty parenting choices of the Myers’ household. = -4pts 
• Later, at Haddonfield Elementary, Michael has a run-in with the school bully, who is a complete dick and, somehow, Michael is the one that ends up in the principal’s office. = -4pts 
• Malcolm McDowell plays Dr. Loomis as some kind of child psychologist/rock star because that exists. = +5pts 
• We are treated to the soundtrack music that John Carpenter wrote for the original Halloween. Thanks, movie, for reminding us of a different movie that this movie is trying to remake and separate itself from. = -9pts 
• Michael stalks the school bully into the woods where he beats the bully to death with the large branch of a tree. We are not sad. = -6pts 
•  Rob Zombie wants us to know that it takes a really long time to beat someone to death with a stick. = +7pts 
• On Halloween night, Michael trick-or-treats by himself because his mom has to pole dance to Nazareth’s “Love Hurts” in the saddest montage ever. = -9pts 
• Michael’s treats consist of candy corn and circus peanuts, the world’s loneliest candy. = -4pts. 
• Judith’s boyfriend tries to scare Judith with an updated, redux version of the Michael Myers mask from the original Halloween, which this movie isn’t. = -11pts 
• Ronnie passes out drunk in his Barcalounger watching the 1932 film White Zombie (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). = +6pts 
•  Bored with eating bland candy and probably on a sugar high, Michael duct tapes Ronnie to his chair and slits his throat with a gigantic kitchen knife. Again, we are not sad. = -7pts 
•  But Ronnie is dead! = +7pts 
• Michael takes out Judith’s boyfriend in the kitchen with an aluminum baseball bat and for Judith, it’s back to the kitchen knife. Michael is obviously still honing his craft. = +3pts 
• While being murdered, Judith listens to “Don’t Fear The Reaper” because all of the soundtrack songs in this film have to be the most obvious choices, ever. = -6pts 
• If there was ever a picture that said, “Things aren’t going to be ok,” it’s this one. = +6pts

• Danny Trejo plays a kind orderly at the sanitarium where Michael is incarcerated. Machete is polite. = +8pts 
• A 15 year jump in the story makes Michael 27 years old, 7.5 feet tall and the strongest man on earth. Apparently, the sanitarium is brought to us by Gold’s Gym. = -5pts 
• Lew Temple plays the most disrespectful, disgusting, Ronnie-like, racist orderly we’ve ever seen. How did this scab on the ass of humanity make it through this hospital’s interview process? = -12pts 
• The director of this facility is Udo Kier. Ok, that explains a few things. = +4pts 
• Michael has excelled at arts and crafts and the masks he makes out of paper mache cover the walls of his room/cell. Every single one of them is pure nightmare fuel. = +9pts

• Michael kills Lew Temple and another orderly with his bare hands during the night shift while they are raping a female inmate in Michael’s cell. For the third time, we are not saddened by Michael’s murderous ways. = -7pts 
• But Lew Temple is dead! = +7pts 
• Michael, like a shark sensing blood in the water, goes on a killing spree to escape the hospital. He attacks Danny Trejo. Machete don’t win. = -6pts 
• But we finally feel sad about a murder! = +6pts 
• Michael comes across a truck stop and kills a trucker (Ken Foree!) for his clothes. It’s sort of like the “Bad to the Bone” scene at the beginning of Terminator 2, except a lot more stabby. = +6pts 
• Michael returns to his abandoned boyhood home and finds his old Michael Myers mask along with John Carpenter’s Halloween theme music hidden underneath the floorboards. He should have stuck with his orange pumpkin mask. I mean, look at that thing! = -11pts

Fuuuuuuuuuuck!

• Sid Haig! = +9pts 
• Suddenly, there is a title card that says “Trick or Treat.” Did we just start another movie? And is it a silent one? = -11pts 
• Two teens go to the old, dilapidated Myers “party house” to get laid even though the dude has a totally rad van with Icarus painted on the side and a cooler of beer in the back. = -4pts 
• Girl-teen turns on the radio after they do it and “Don’t Fear the Reaper” comes on. Ooooohhh, someone’s getting stabbed. = -5pts 
• While Laurie Strode babysits some kids, they watch Vincent Price in House on Haunted Hill because these kids have better taste than anyone else in this movie. = +10pts 
• Teen couple #2 are getting it on to Alice Cooper’s “Only Women Bleed.” Oh, yeah, these guys are totally getting stabbed. = -8pts 
• Sheriff Exposition explains to Dr. Loomis that Michael Myers’ baby sister, baby Boo, is now named Laurie and was adopted by the Strode family, a fact which both we and Michael knew, like, an hour ago. = -12pts 
• Not one single person is out on Halloween night in Laurie’s neighborhood. She and the kids can scream and scream and not one person is going to be around to help. Haddonfield – If you lived here, you could be killing by now! = -10pts 
• Scout Taylor-Compton’s acting as Laurie Strode in this film is top notch. She’s terrified, but she’s a fighter and will do anything to live. We love to see a strong female character who doesn’t just fall down and die. = +12pts 
• Too bad this town is completely deserted and there’s no one to help her. = -4pts 
• Running through the backyard at the old Myers’ place, Laurie falls into an empty swimming pool. Sorry, there’s no way the Myers family had an in-ground swimming pool, unless it was filled with old car parts or tires. = -7pts 
• Dr. Loomis talks to Michael for 1.5 seconds before he starts shooting proving, once again, that he’s the world’s worst child psychologist/rock star. = -5pts 
• As sirens finally arrive, Laurie shoots Michael in the face to end this sad, sad tale forever. Oh, there’s a sequel? Um, ok then. Sure, whatever. = -25pts

Total score = -134pts
Available on Amazon Prime

What we have here are all the signature elements that make a Rob Zombie movie a Rob Zombie movie: great visuals, realistic violence, and a cast that really enjoys the genre and plays it 100% straight. This movie falls down, however, in overall storytelling and in its lack of likeable characters. In adding a backstory for Michael, which John Carpenter’s version did not have, Zombie left us feeling sorry for him, and given that none of the other characters are in any way sympathetic, the movie's heart feels like it's in the wrong place. In the end, rooting for a spree killer and hoping that he takes everyone else out spectacularly leaves us feeling wrong.

In summary, Mr. Zombie had this to say about the movie, “For good or bad, it’s a totally different experience.”

Exactly.

Score Technicians: Stacey Hanlon and John Ormond

Halloween

Halloween is the age old story about a boy and a girl. Like most stories of its kind, Halloween begins with a young boy seeing his sister's boobs and ends with a few high school sex commandos stuffed into closets and drawers. It's about how a young woman fights to save the purity of her precious vagina, despite being surrounded by her hormone-savaged friends, a cadre of babysitters who use children as watchdogs as they indiscriminately fuck their way through the houses of a quaint suburban neighborhood. John Carpenter may have directed a few great B-movies in his career, but he only defined a genre once. In such situations, it's worth asking the question if the first version of something stands up today when viewed through the unforgiving lens of science? Is is still super cool and relevant, like the prism? Or, like the first condoms, has time and technology improved upon it so much that we'd be crazy to attempt to use it for anything other than a historical footnote of a simpler time? We'd say, "This was why we invented the nanobots," except that we didn't invent them and we don't even know if they were even intended to grade movies. All we know is that they sure are good at it! So lock your doors and call the cops on that sketchy gardener, because things are about to get stabby.

• That music. = +30pts
• Presented by Moustapha Akkad. Like, duh. = -4pts
• On second thought... Moustapha Akkad was such a badass that he gets his own section of this SC:
• Produced and directed a film about Mohammad. Yes, that Mohammad. = +10pts
• In preparation for his Mohammad movie, Moustapha consulted with numerous Islamic clerics in an effort to remain respectful of subject matter. = +5pts
• Made his movie anyway when they weren't so cool about it. = +7pts (Take that Saudi Arabia!)
• Did not direct Halloween, elected only to "present" it. = +4pts
• Killed during the Amman suicide bombings in Jordan in 2005. = +10pts (Not for dying. Or for dying in suicide bombings. But for just being a stud. RIP, Moustapha!)
• Directed by John Carpenter. = (In 1978 = +25pts; In 2014 = -10pts) +15pts
• If doing the same thing over and over again and hoping for a different result is a sign of madness, then staring into the face of a jack-o-lantern for longer than a second or two must be the homicidal equivalent. = +2pts
• Steadicam shots reminding you that, at night, people can see in even though you can't see out. You know, the kind of thing that helps you sleep at night. = +3pts
• Kid in clown garb grabs knife from a drawer instead of plastic flower that squirts water. Or, what the guy at the OTB calls, the 70s= +2pts
• Given the POV of this opening sequence--the the fact that the eyeline seems to suggest someone of camera-operating height who also has the feeble arms of a young child--our scientific hypothesis is that Michael Myers is clearly suffering from grasshoper legs. This would explain his freakish ability to look down on everyone he stalks/murders, as well as his ability to leap between hiding spots unseen at a moments notice. = +5pts
• Letting a child with a knife and grasshopper legs get the drop on you. = -4pts
• The actress playing Michael's mother approaches her son and chooses to go with the "Did you shit in the cat box again?" look we've all seen from mom at one point or another. = -2pts

• Given the amount of mentally deranged individuals walking freely on the lawn in the middle of the rainstorm, we're thinking someone inside pulled a Chief Bromden. = +3pts (Take that conformity!)
• John Carpenter's score does a great job of reminding us how terrifying a suburb full of white people can be. = +2pts
• Finding yourself on the top of a maniac's hit list because your douchebag realtor dad couldn't take five minutes to do his job and drop off a set of house keys. = -3pts
• Laurie's teacher keeps hammering the word "fate" in her lecture, as if it's gonna be on the quiz or something, when everyone knows that it's really about chaos, randomness, and disorder. I mean, duh! = -3pts
• Moving a parked car without starting the engine. = +4pts
• Ah, the '70s, when women in high school looked like they were in their early 30s. = +7pts
• "I hate a guy with a car and no sense of humor." Because nothing is funnier than comedic driving, or a better indicator of homicidal tendencies. We guess this means clowns are totally cool then. = +2pts
• Meet Mr. Brackett, the sketchiest sheriff in all of Illinois, who's inability to smell marijuana on teenagers and talent for appearing immediately behind an unsuspecting civilian is rivaled only by Michael Myers himself. = -2pts
• Nothing says class virgin quite like having a James Ensor poster on your wall. = +5pts
• Wait, who the fuck is James Ensor?! = -5pts
• Oh, that's who James Ensor was. Yikes. = +10pts
• Teenagers listening to oldie radio stations. = -2pts
• Mixing pot with Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear the Reaper" as a way to chill away the paranoia that surrounds having a vagina. = +3pts
• Good thing Laurie dropped the keys for the Myers place off for her deadbeat dad so that Dr. Loomis and Sneaky McSheriff could simply walk over them as they entered the obviously unlocked and abandoned house. Thank God, it only almost cost her life and definitely the lives of all her friends. = -4pts
• Becoming a babysitter so that you have a place to bone. = +8pts
• Number of times Sneaky McSheriff is almost shot while creeping up on Dr. Loomis: 2 = -2pts (Minus a point for every unfortunately chambered round.)
• Call us crazy, Dr. Loomis, but when has announcing that a killer is on the loose ever been a bad idea? = -2pts
• Dressing like a space mechanic for Halloween. = -3pts

• Howard the Duck comic appearance! = +10pts
• As a result of this easter egg, The PCS has decided to rate all appearances of Howard the Duck in order of best to worst:
• Halloween (film)
  
• Gaurdians of the Galaxy (film)
• Man-Thing (comic)
  
• The zoo
• The pond by the building where Cousin Ralph "stay-cations"
• That scene in Planet Earth
• Any restaurant that serves ducks that once had names
• Man-Thing (porno)
• Howard the Duck (film)
• Apparently space cops are the only people in the galaxy able to see how Michael Myers moves from point A to B. Good call, Tommy. = +6pts
• Doing it in front of a jack-o-lantern. = -4pts
• Calling 5-seconds of halting sex "fantastic." Ah, high school... = +5pts
• Michael Myers gives new meaning to the term poster boy. = +10pts
• Even Michael is impressed with how well he nailed it. = +7pts

• Murdering a girl's boyfriend and then trolling her in a sheet while wearing his glasses. = +10pts (You crack us up, Michael! You make murder hilarious!)

• Being so slutty that you call your BF, who then can't tell whether you are boning or being murdered by a maniac. = -2pts
• Noticing that your stolen station wagon is parked across the street from the house you've decided to stake-out. = +3pts
• Taking 3-hours to do so. = -6pts
• Trying to run in high-waist jeans. = +4pts (For not having even a little bit of quit in you!)
• Credit Michael Myers has received for his cleaning skills, despite years spent in an asylum where we assume his messes were cleaned for him: 0. = +25pts (Consider us at The PCS impressed!)
• That mask fade. = +15pts

• The '70s, when it took more than three dead bodies to decide to get the fuck out of dodge. = +6pts
• Punching through a door with your bare hand. = +5pts
• Bringing a knitting needle to a knife fight. = -1pt
• Those rare scenes that remind you that sometimes turning on the light only makes things worse. = +8pts

• Bringing a hanger to a knife fight. = -2pts (We're no, Dr. Loomis, Laurie. But we think you're regressing.)
• Throw your stabbing implement away once before confirming a kill, shame on you. Throw it away twice...yep, still shame on you. Throw it away thrice...seriously what the fuck Laurie? Did you constantly fail the "pattern recognition" portion of your elementary school standardized tests? = -3pts
• We're pretty sure Michael's last great disappearing act is what finally drove Dr. Loomis insane in the subsequent Halloween movies.  = +4pts (Poor guy never really recovered.)
• Closing your movie with an montage of the empty spaces infected by violence. So, European. So, classy. Still, awesome. = +20pts

Total Score: +177pts
Available on: Sean's personal DVD collection (Get your own copy, you bum!)

The good news for anyone who's ever seen this movie and enjoyed it, is that science has confirmed that Halloween is definitely not an old condom! Yay! Myers and his dirty gardener outfit and bleach stained face remain a pretty effective engine of evil in his first outing. The question that generally gets proposed is: Was the final product great because of the people involved, or because of the constraints of budget? And, like most cases, it's yes to both. As low-budget (and surprisingly low body count) as the movie is, there is still that scene of Myers fading in from the black, that puppy dog stare, that violent splash of light in the closet that does nothing to reduce the fear and only instead heightens it and makes it more visceral, that closing montage. All choices made by someone who should feel pretty proud to call himself a filmmaker. (Unlike the people who made this dreadful knockoff.) Halloween is a movie that poses real questions about society. Questions like: Do people in the suburbs sleep somewhere other than their homes at night? Is it okay to bone in the house of a stranger as long as you have the permission of your friend who's currently dead upstairs and whose silence (due to being dead) implies consent? Is someone's lack of mental faculty proportionately tied to their physical strength? Does Ronald Regan's dismantling of the mental health care industry mean that we live in a world full of Michel Myers wandering the streets? These are the questions science can't hope to answer. Thank God for movies!

(For the record, the answers for the deep questions above gifted to us by this film are: Yes. Obviously. Exponentially so. Probably, but they were all given tickets to Florida.)

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

Gotham, Episode 5

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In “Viper,” the fifth episode of Gotham’s first season, Gordon and Bullock search for someone who is disseminating a new drug on the streets of Gotham. Known as Viper (title drop!), the drug – through some questionable science, if you ask us – grants its victims super-strength and an unquenchable desire for dairy for a few hours until they die from sudden onset bone loss. Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne decides he wants to get involved in Wayne Industries affairs. And mob stuff happens too! What say the nanobots about the newest installment of Gotham?

• Bruce’s obsessive traits are already manifesting. Maybe Alfred should get him to a psychiatrist instead of indulging him. = -4pts
• The Penguin working in a mob establishment. We get “hiding in plain sight,” but he’s, you know, THE PENGUIN. Someone’s going to recognize him. = -8pts
• Vials with consumption instructions that refer to themselves as “Me” always lead to fun, unexpected results. = +5pts
• Now we’re thinking of Sia’s “Breath Me,” and the incredible ending of Six Feet Under. = +9pts
• At least Alice had the sense to consider the “Drink Me” bottle might be bad for her. = -3pts
• Jumping onto a van parked on an open street in broad daylight is kind of the opposite of stealthy, Selina. = -6pts
• Hey, Jim saw her. Good for him. = +3pts
• Bullock doesn’t realize that crime has an earlier lunch hour than himself. = -5pts
• “A drug did that? Wow!” Say yes to drugs, kids. = +5pts (For helping to undo the damage of the Reagan years.)
• That’s some good scenery-chewing, mobsters. = +4pts (For making exposition interesting.)
• HULK DRINK MILK TO SUPPORT GAMMA BONES. = +4pts
• Gotham’s the type of place where you can walk down the street handing out drugs, and everyone just accepts it. = -6pts
• Bruce Wayne, li’lest executive. = -3pts
• “Fantastic detective work.” We see what you did there, Alfred. = -2pts
• We were going to make a joke about how Gotham must not have any hospitals if all the about-to-die tweakers are being brought to jail, but that doesn’t seem too far removed from reality. Well-played, Gotham. = +10pts
• Da Chief can’t fathom a multi-billion dollar corporation ever doing anything nefarious. That realism wasn’t fated to last after all. = -6pts
• We’re going to assume the Penguin got the Liar, Liar curse because he’s doing nothing to hide his past while trying to avoid detection. = -4pts
• Maroni smashing Penguin’s head against the table was way more satisfying than it should have been. = +5pts
• “Do you think we push a button, or does she just rewind on her own?” Donal Logue is too good for this show. = +6pts
• Fish teaching her protégé to say “I love you, baby” “like a mother would” is probably the most disturbing thing this show has ever done. = -8pts (because it was unintentionally disturbing)
• “What are the dark moral corners of shampoo?” Oh Bullock. If only you knew. = +4pts
• Are we certain this guy isn’t a professor of exposition? = -5pts
• So the villain’s plan is to get back at the white collar criminals who funded a killer drug by using the killer drug to kill the poor as practice to killing the white collar criminals? “Dark moral corners” indeed. = -10pts
• Gotham is slowly becoming a Batman/Richie Rick cross fic. = -3pts
• The too long, didn’t watch version of the climax:
  • Villain: I’m gonna die now, so DEFINITELY DON’T GO TO A MYSTERIOUS WAREHOUSE!
  • Bullock: Don’t die!
  • Villain: Don’t tell me what I can’t do!
  • Bullock: I’m going to let you kill yourself as I beg you not to. = -7pts
• Next scene? Gordon and Bullock go to the warehouse they were EXPLICITLY TOLD NOT TO GO TO BY THE DYING VILLAIN. That’s some good police work there, boys. = +3pts
• Annnnd… there’s nothing there. Because “it’s Gotham.” = -5pts
• Aww, Falcone really just wants to feed his birds and remember his mother. = +6pts (for an attempt at depth), -3pts (for John Doman’s acting in the scene), net +3pts.

Total Points: -27pts
Intermitent Season Score: -14pts

In the interest of full disclosure, this score technician jumped ship from Gotham about a third of the way into episode 2, but when the nanobots come calling, he can’t help but answer. And this episode went a long way towards reminding him why he left. Despite missing nearly 4 episodes, nothing seemed to be lost; the characters had not developed past who they were at the end of the pilot. Except for Bruce Wayne, who is going from a kid into a hollow, vengeance-seeking shell. The series has no idea what sort of tone it wants to use, and as a result, uses every tone, and it doesn’t use them well. When it wants to be serious, it comes off silly, and when it wants to be comedic, it induces eye rolls. Character motivations are murky and seem to be based on driving the plot forward. And as much as we tried, we feel unable to fully capture just how ridiculously clichéd the episode’s climax was. There are good scenes (Gordon and Bullock bonding over burgers) and ideas in play, but they get lost among all the problems.

Score Technician: Andrew Daar

American Horror Story: Freak Show, Episode 2

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Now that Freak Show had its obligatory origin opener out of the way, it's time for the established characters to start being horrible to one another. It wouldn't be American Horror Story without scheming duplicity, now would it? Let's start the show!

• When a cute little robot is leaving cute little blood trails across a cute little toy store's floor, cutely following them should never be someone's cute first inclination. = -3pts 
• Making a teenager kill himself by jump-scaring him onto an outstretched knife. = +6pts 
• Now that the circus successfully turned away a police investigation, the performers celebrate by feasting and chanting, “Kill the copper!” = -2pts (Subtly isn't their strong suit.) 
• “Should we return the body parts to his family?” is the best response to someone expressing second thoughts about the morality behind a murder. = +5pts 
• Being so rich that Patti LaBelle serves you escargot. = +3pts 
• As if Dandy's rich white insidiousness and Frances Conroy's rich white ignorance weren't slathered on thick enough, there's talk about the apparent killing of a girl and the definite killing of a neighborhood cat. = -4pts 
• Strongman Michael Chiklis shows up at the circus after he caught his three-boobied hermaphrodite wife (portrayed gracefully by Angela Bassett) trying to plow another man's gay away. His response was to twist the poor guy's head backward. = -3pts (Is there a character on the show who isn't a murderer?) 
• Rich white ignorance strikes again when Frances Conroy hires the Swamp Clown after seeing him amble down the road in broad daylight. Did we mention that he looks like this?

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• Dandy's too, well, dandy to fit in at the circus. He copes with the rejection by smashing his head against his steering wheel over and over. = +3pts 
• Referring to Kathy Beardy Bates as “Honest Abe.” = +4pts 
• Further solidifying Michael Chiklis as the new big bad with a flashback of him attempting to strangle wee baby Jimmy Darling. = -5pts 
• Sharing a mental bond with your Siamese twin does not carry over singing talent. = -3ps 
• Dandy makes nice-nice with the Swamp Clown until he roots around in the clown's bag and is promptly clubbed in the head. = +9pts 
• Pepper gets just as worked up about the prospect of meatloaf as this score technician does. = +4pts 
• Getting in a fist fight with a guy who has cleft hands. = -6pts 
• American Horror Story Childcare Tip #76: Kids like severed heads even less than wind-up robots. = +3pts 
• Freak Show's Clown with the Tear-Away Face is significantly more horrifying than Tim Burton's from Nightmare Before Christmas – and that's saying something. = +10pts 
• Nothing mends the trust-shattering act of looking in a clown's purse quite like returning said clown's escaping victim. = +5pts 
• Bette and Dot perform Fiona Apple's "Criminal" while clean-cut '50s teens mosh and a mustachioed dwarf crowd-surfs. = +7pts 
• Jimmy learns a valuable lesson in making sure that he's not being tailed before hiding fake evidence. = -3pts (He's not the best decision maker, that Jimmy.) 
• RIP Meep the Geek. Your tombstone will read, “He's not tough; he's just weird.” = -10pts

Episode Score = +15pts
Season Score = +45pts

The second episode of Freak Show carries on the American Horror Story tradition of ending episodes on a downer and allying unlikely characters together. It also established that anachronistic musical numbers are to be expected, so we're all just going have to deal with that. But when is Denis O'Hare going to show up? I guess we'll find out next week!

Score Technician: T. J. Geise

The Walking Dead Season 5, Episode 1

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When last we checked in with Rick Grimes and his crew, they enjoying some good old-fashioned southern hospitality at Terminus--that really deep southern hospitality where the locals keep you locked in a train car until it's time for them to eat you. With Rick and his crew imprisoned and Carol and Tyrese just a short distance behind them, heading towards the illusory safety of the enclave, things are looking pretty grim indeed.

• Cryptic flashback. I wonder if this will be important later? = +??? (Depends how important it turns out to be) 
• Finally putting that trapped in an abandoned train car scout badge to work. = +10pts
• The line of victims trussed up on their knees, waiting to get their heads bashed in and their throats cut feels a little like a mashup of the two execution scenes in The Raid and its sequel, but is no less awesomely terrifying for that. = +20pts 
• Good thing the slaughterhouse bros' peckerwood boss decided to harass them about their TPS reports before they could off any of the blue-shirts. = +3pts 
• Rick, expounding on the contents of his go-bag to the peckerwood boss: "... And a machete with a red handle. That's what I'm going to use to kill you." = +20pts 
• Tyrese has come down with a severe case of "being a pussy" between seasons. = -4pts 
• Pretty convenient that Carol and Tyrese just happened to sneak up on that Terminite while he was right in the middle of discussing the bad things they were planning on doing to Carl and Michonne. = -2pts 
• Carol dons some very literal corpse-paint and goes full-MacGyver on Terminus. = +25pts (Although, since she's using an assault rifle, we guess it only counts as partial MacGyver.) 
• Flaming zombie French kiss. = +5pts 
• Rick killing two guys with a sharp chunk of wood. = +18pts (Scout's honor, motherfuckers.)
• Rick is just death on two legs this episode. = +27pts 
• Carol is unmoved by your mass rape sob story. = +22pts 
• Tyrese's skill killing zombies with a hammer > His skill preventing a restrained prisoner from taking the infant under his charge hostage. = -10pts 
• The unexpected courtesy with which the zombie on the other side of the door escorts Tyrese out of the shack. = +2pts 
• Tyrese locates his balls and kills a pack of walkers bare-handed. = +7pts 
• For only wounding the peckerwood boss with rifle fire, rather than killing him with a red-handled machete. = -20pts (Talk is cheap, Rick) 
• Rick's insane but oh-so-appealing plan to camp out along the perimeter of Terminus and pick off Terminites as they flee the compound. = +16pts (We love it when he goes all Old Testament) 
• Heartfelt reunions all around! = +13pts 
• Oh, and the flashback at the beginning? It was important. = +10pts 
• Post-credits Morgan cameo. = +6pts 

Total Score = +168pts
Season Score = +168pts

Hot damn, hot damn, hot damn. Walking Dead got everything right this week. Carol, who has been one of the show's most complex characters for the past couple of seasons, finally gets her moment to shine (all the more welcome for a show that's really struggled with writing female characters). Rick got to be the badass that we've always known him to be. There were stupendous walker-bashings, long-anticipated reunions, teasers of exciting things to come. The only downside is that the rest of the season is going to have to work extra damn hard to even meet the bar set by this episode.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

American Horror Story: Freak Show, Episode 1

Nobody can accuse Ryan Murphy's American Horror Story of not covering the classics. First there was the (best) haunted house. Then the haunted Asylum. After that there was the haunted French Quarter. It was only a matter of time before Florida Freak shows would get their chance to be haunted. So, how does this season stack up against previous seasons? How would we know? It just started. The nanobots can't see into the future! Jeez!

But, like all scientific endeavors, it's going to come down to a little elbow grease, repetition, and a few dirty parlor tricks in order to find out (Those things are all part of the scientific method, right? We missed a few night night classes...). So, strap-up (or on) and get ready to get your freak on, as The PCS kicks off it's coverage of American Horror Story: Freak Show.

• Opening a scene with an old-timey milkman and not ending it like that scene from Pink Flamingos with the milkman. = +4pts (If you've seen it you know what we're talking about.)
• The '50s: When your milkman had free reign of your house when you were out, thus birthing the Alpha plot of all pornography. = +6pts
• The '50s: When protecting yourself in a house meant running to the kitchen and finding the nearest...rolling pin? = -2pts
• New opening credits! Um...that' a lot of stop-motion self-pleasure there. But hey, you can't go wrong with a literal 3rd leg wearing a boot condom, or mutually masturbating pigmy/monkey skeletons, are we right? = +3pts
• Any employee screening that involves asking the potential new employee if anyone has "tasted their cherry pie." = -5pts
• Sharing your junk with a sister you can't stand. = -1pt
• Taking flowers from this Swamp Clown. = -2pts

• Reenacting the scariest scene from David Fincher's Zodiac. = +3pts
• Replacing the Zodiac killer from that scene with a dirty Swamp Clown. = +10pts
• World's Smallest Woman?! More like, World's Most Adorable Woman! = +4pts
• Leave it to Jessica Lange to make even dining and dashing seem classy. = +5pts
• Lobster Tate, King of the Best Little Whore House in Florida! Giving new meaning to the term "magic hands." = +6pts
• Playing one of your Siamese sisters in full-on Clooney head tilt. = -2pts (Google it.)
• Leave it to the Swamp Clown to reinvent the "clown car." = +8pts
• Word of advice: The next time a Swamp Clown wants to show you what's in his pocket, YOU LET HIM SHOW YOU WHAT'S IN HIS FUCKING POCKET!!! = +3pts
• Meep the Geek. = +3pts (Seriously, Meep you're welcome to the nanolab anytime.)
• Kathy Bate's freak show power is apparently her ability to look like a yard gnome. = -2pts (Because gnomes aren't scary.)
• It wouldn't be the '50s without a scene featuring a Studabaker full of white assholes throwing a bottle at someone with lobster hands. = -3pts
• This partially real, partially made-up, exchange: "No flipper action!" "But, ma!" = -2pts
• Nobody puts the Most Adorable Woman in a Cage! NOBODY! = -5pts
• Crossing streams with Glee, despite our dire warnings last season. = -5pts
• Nothing says, "We're just like everybody else and entitled to the things other people have!" quite like murdering a police man who's only crime is to (kind of douchaly) arrest a murderer and then having a meat cleaver orgy with your freak show friends on his body. This is America, Goddamit! People should have the right to violently dispose of people trying to do their jobs! = +4pts

Episode Score = +30pts
Season Score = +30pts

Ryan Murphy's skill isn't so much creating something new, as much as providing his eye for visual design to the blending of his various influences. For anyone who's seen Pink Flamingos or Zodiac, it's hard not to notice the similar themes. From the Zodiac inspired disturbingly random stabbings of the Swamp Clown, to the struggle between the Freak Show and the surrounding Florida town for title of "world's filthiest tribe," the similarities can be almost distracting. And, while this season didn't start off as scary as the first two, it does have a stabby fucking swamp clown, which is always good for a chill now and then. The other thing this show has going for it is Jessica Lange, singularly one of the best actresses working today. Period. No other actor on this show (or any other) so completely reinvents themselves each season the way she does. Whether it's transcending the Divine inspired make-up in a pathetic attempt at stardom, or extorting a local candy striper with an opium-induced sex film, she's the gravity that holds the center of Murphy's perverse universes, and has been since the beginning. Rumor has it this is her last season. Supposedly the show will continue without her. But, honestly, without her there to anchor the cast, one wonders if they should even bother.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

Hellraiser IV: Bloodline

For more of the Scorecard's irrefutable Hellraiser coverage, click here.

One way to measure the strength of a horror franchise is to count how many installments it takes before it ends up in space. Nightmare on Elm Street went on for eight films, and while it eventually broke the fourth wall, it did so without ever leaving the earth's atmosphere. Friday the 13th held out until part ten before Jason started chasing horny space teens around a galaxy hopping pontoon. According to this metric, Hellraiser is about on par with Leprechaun and Critters, each of which could only make it to episode four before blasting off into the great icy void.

By Bloodline pretty much everything that initially drew you to this series is starting to feel like a distant memory. Add to the mix a troubled production, and you ought to have a recipe for at least a captivating disaster, right?

• Directed by Alan Smithee. Probably not the last time we will be called to evaluate one of his works. = +10pts 
• Robot fingers solving the puzzle box rendered in the finest CGI 1996 had to offer. = -4pts  
• Before Dr. Paul Merchant can settle his score with Pinhead, his party gets interrupted by a bunch of space cops. Guess he should have gotten the station's busted tail light fixed after all. = -2pts 
• Commander space cop drops some handy exposition: "So, we have the company's most productive station hijacked and taken out of orbit by the man who built it." Pretty serious situation. How will the company go on businessing without its most productive station? = -8pts 
• The name of the space soldier/psychologist tasked with interrogating Paul is "Rimmer." = +6pts 
• By the way, Paul summoned Pinhead bare seconds before he was apprehended, so basically the Pontiff of Hell is just wandering around the space station while Paul relates his entire four-century family history to Rimmer. = +5pts 
• Upon seeing her husband's puzzle box, the ultimate testament of his toymaking skill and the sum total of his lifetime of work and study, Phillip Lemarchand's wife responds with a mildly disappointed: "Oh, it doesn't actually do anything." = +22pts (Pinhead might not be the cruelest character in this movie.) 
• Holy shit, that's Adam Scott playing the French warlock's stooge. = +30pts 
• The Duc de L'Isle demonstrates his arcane power by producing a scarf from behind his escort's ear. His next feat of dark sorcery will surely be to remove and reattach his thumb. = -3pts 
• Watching Ben Wyatt garrote a prostitute to death with a nylon cord. = -11pts 
• De L'Isle's painting of a devil slitting the throat of damned soul looks like it was painted by a serial killer. Not so much for the subject matter, but for the quality of the workmanship. = -5pts 

• Rather than running to notify the authorities, Lemarchand spends what we surmise to be several hours watching de L'Isle field-dress a dead prostitute, suspend her hide from an set of meathooks, pour her blood into a pentagram carved into the floor, and summon a demon into her skin. = -9pts 
• Again the next day, rather than notifying the authorities, Lemarchand relates what he witnessed to his atheist buddy who works at the corpse-flaying plant. = +7pts 
• Infallible 18th-century logic: "You designed a machine that you fear can bring forth demons...Then design a machine that can destroy them." = -4pts 
• Yep, nailed it. All you have to do is build this. = -18pts 

• Lemarchand breaks into de L'Isle's mansion to steal back the puzzle box, only to find the Duc (mostly) dead, and Adam Scott and the demon Angelique engaged in a post-murder game of hide the baguette. = +5pts 
• Adam Scott makes his boldest attempt at coming off like a degenerate in his cosplay wig as he orders Lemarchand's death. = -3pts 
• Flash forward to 1996 and Lemarchand's great-to-the-whatever-power grandson is complaining about winning too many awards for designing that puzzle box building at the end of HR III. Meanwhile, his son tries to score a little product-placement cash while showing off his sweet Kinex^TM Ferris wheel. = -6pts 
• The eternally young Adam Scott is still knocking around Europe, rocking an outfit that falls somewhere between "Miami Vice chic" and "zoot-suited cartoon jazz man." = +11pts 
• For attempting to prevent her from going to America, Angelique subjects Adam Scott to the most heinous make-up effects the film's low-rent team is capable of imagining. = -7pts 
• The hollow concrete pylon made it convenient for Angelique to retrieve the puzzle box, but we're a little concerned for the structural integrity of Merchant's building. = -4pts 
• Pinhead informs Angelique that "Hell is more ordered since your time." These hints of Hell's shifting political landscape are by far the most interesting idea this movie has to offer, so naturally, this never gets revisited in any meaningful way. = -10pts 
• Angelique shows up at Merchant's office to seduce him into "completing his work." It's worth mentioning that at no point in this movie is it ever clear what this entails. = -25pts 
• Philip Lamarchand's demon-killing design is finally realized as a bitchin' scrensaver. = +9pts 
• Pinhead talks to his dog about how bored he is of waiting for Merchant to succumb to Angelique's wiles. Dude, slow your roll. It hasn't even been twenty-four hours... = -5pts 
• Are we wrong to assume those twin security guards had to double-team a producer in order to land this part? = -4pts (Probably while wearing those uniforms, too.)

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• A free backrub to anyone who can explain to us what the fuck is going on in this scene. = -12pts 
• If the camera-man were any more up in Pinhead's grill in this shot, he'd be filming from inside Doug Bradley's mouth. = -3pts 

• Also, while we're on the subject of Mr. Bradley, it's a mark of his skill as a performer that the patently ridiculous things the script has him say still sound frightening. = +50pts 
• Why does Merchant's wife need to pass through Crime Alley in order to get to her building's laundry room? = -6pts 

• Pinhead's three-point plan to opening the gates of Hell on earth: 
  • Phase 1: Kidnap Merchant's wife and son in order to force him to do your bidding.
  • Phase 2: ?
  • Phase 3: Profit!
  = +13pts
• We kind of love that Merchant's bright idea for escaping from Pinhead consists entirely of "dart down this hallway all of a sudden." = +7pts 
• Merchant's wife opens the puzzlebox and send the Chatterer Dog back to hell because who even cares anymore? = -14pts 
• And now the Cenobites think Merchant using his computer to do that thing they want, but really he makes a laser shoot out and bounce around and it sort of distracts them we guess? It doesn't matter. None of this matters. = -23pts 
• For flashing back to the first five goddam minutes of this movie. We remember what happened. We've been here the whole time. = -5pts 
• PCS Reader Poll: Which Cenobite is a greater affront to Clive Barker's original designs? This piece of shit? 

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Or these two assholes?

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= -40pts

• So many unremarkable characters dying in such stupid ways. = -8pts 
• Rimmer traps the chattering dog in the Room that Lets You Arbitrarily Adjust the Pressure until the Thing Inside of It Explodes (they're standard in the designs of all 22nd century space stations). = +6pts 
• The movie mercifully comes to a swift end after Paul Merchant traps and kills Pinhead in his Cube of Questionable CGI. = +30pts

Total Score = -33pts
Available on: Netflix, but seriously, you have better things to do with your time

Even without the absurd 22nd century framing device, Hellraiser IV was a bit of a mess. Yet amidst the perfunctory tortures and convoluted plot twists, the discerning viewer will pick up traces of the more interesting sequel that this started out as. Maybe that's fitting, though. Like the cenobites themselves, these bright spots peek out from under mounds of mutilation and scar tissue, serving as a cruel reminder of what this film once was and what it might have been. In any case, don't even think about going near this one without a Scorecard.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

Pumpkinhead

At some point in 1988, Hollywood pulled its head out of its ass and decided to make the long awaited
film adaptation of one of the greatest poems ever written. And then Allen Ginsberg shook his fist in the air, yelling at Hollywood to get the hell off of his property. Hollywood needed a backup, and Ed Justin was somebody who wrote words that kind of resembled poetry. It was a Cinderella moment that led to the greatest special effects extravaganza since the last one: Pumpkinhead.

• The title card is engulfed in flames, which could only have been cooler in the '80s had it also been covered in tribal tattoos. = -5pts 
• Marcus Manton was the name of the editor. We would like to take this moment to point out that that’s a pretty sweet last name, Marcus. = +2pts 
• This film was inspired by a poem by Ed Justin. Yes, THE Ed Justin. = -3pts
• A young Ed Harley is nervously shaking in his bed, wondering why his dad is outside taking the family gun for a walk. = -8pts 
• It may be 1957, but most farms probably had electricity by this point. = -10pts 
• “What kind of a Christian are you for God’s sake!” screams the neighbor, as Ed’s father looks on. Well, he’s apparently the type that lets you get eaten by a monster, so we’re guessing… Catholic? = +4pts 
• We cut to the present, where an Adult Ed Harley is joyfully playing in the yard with his favorite flamethrower, as though he is reenacting the most recent swordfight he had in the bathroom. = +5pts 
• The hand washing scene with Ed and his son has been the creepiest, most unsettling thing about this flick so far. = +6pts (For making us question whether or not this movie is deep enough to actually be an allegory for Priestly abuses.) 
• After being acclimated to the backwoods of America, the modern 1980s literally drives full-force into this movie in the form of an SUV full of denim and headbands, with a drunkenly driven sports car bringing up the rear. = -15pts 
• Joel, the drunken big-shot with the sports car, makes a comment about Billy Harley’s glasses looking like Coke bottles, to which everyone takes offense. Joel takes the criticism like a mature adult by peeling out on his dirt bike and ramping the first mound of dirt he sees. = -11pts 
• Old Mr. Wallace likes to travel around with a truck full of feral children, just in case he needs to sic ‘em on the unwanted city folk. = +3pts 
• The oldest feral boy looks like Evan Peters’ character in the first season of American Horror Story. We’re waiting for Pumpkinhead to come out in a revealing leather bondage suit at any moment.= +0 pts (No score. Just an observation.) 
• A father and son’s relationship is only as sweet as the apples they share with one another. = -5pts. 
• Billy chases his dog out to the open field, where the city dwellers are riding their dirt bikes in full douchebag regalia. Joel comes off his jump, clipping Billy on the way down, possibly killing him. He reacts like a mature adult by peeling out on his dirt bike, ramping the first mound of dirt he sees. = -13pts 
• Steve is left with the dying Harley child as everyone else risks a felony charge by fleeing the scene. Ed Harley returns to his shop, and Steve waves toward him, as if he is saying, “Hey man, I’m just hangin’ with your son. What’s up?” = -20pts 
• Ed Harley metaphorically shows us the size of his balls by not crying over his dying son’s body. = +7pts 
• Joel may have killed a kid, but nobody fucks with his leather jacket. = -9pts 
• Ed finally breaks down, trying to help his dying son anyway he can. He begins telling Billy a bedtime story, because as anyone who’s ever worked in a children’s hospital will tell you, it’s a tried and true method for bringing kids back from the dead. = -30pts 
• Nothing screams revenge like a trip to Mr. Wallace and his shanty-town full of feral work slaves. = -6pts 
• Mr. Wallace asks how Billy died, to which Ed Harley responds, “City folks.” Let this be a lesson to all you Gucci wearing, high-rise living pricks: You fuck with the country, the country fucks back…in the form of an unspeakable monster, dug up from a pumpkin patch. = -5pts 
• There is no shortage of mouse sound effects in the witches hut. = -3pts 
• An infamous demon monster loses a little credibility when you learn that its name is Pumpkinhead. It seems as though that would be better suited for a schoolyard bully. = -12pts 
• The witch informs Ed that he must retrieve the body of the Pumpkinhead from the graveyard so that it can be revived. When he turns to grab Billy’s body, the witch demands he leave it behind. We’re not 100% certain what her plans are for the body, but we feel we are making a safe assumption that it involves bodily fluids in some way. = +10pts 
• Even though the witch is performing a detailed ritual on the shriveled body of Pumpkinhead, we’re still not certain if she is an actual witch or just a standard Medicare recipient from Appalachia. = -2pts 
• Pumpkinhead grows stronger as Ed Harley feebly falls to the ground, thus establishing the connection between monster and conjurer, saving the audience from 30 minutes of unnecessary exposition. = -20pts 
• Ed wakes up with the witch standing over him, telling him he must leave. Ed responds to her request like a mature adult by peeling out in his truck, almost causing a head-on collision with another vehicle. In this moment, the irony of almost killing another person in a motor vehicle accident is completely lost on him. = -8pts 
• Joel: “I’m always fuckin’ up!” His solution is to immediately grab a gun. = +30pts 
• Tracy: “God is the only thing that can stop what is out there, Kim.” We’re not usually the gambling type, but we feel it’s safe to bet that God has better things to do tonight. = -6pts 
• Kim grabs a weapon in response to Tracy: “Just in case God doesn’t show.” Tracy doesn’t gamble, either. = +15pts 
• When Pumpkinhead goes in for his first kill, Ed gets to experience the pain of the victim, first-hand, from the comfort of his own home while drinking whiskey and cleaning his gun. Rumor has it that Ronald Regan shit an eagle when he watched this scene. = +30pts 
• Having felt the pain of the victims, Ed charges into the witches hut, demanding that she stop Pumpkinhead. When she tells him it won’t stop until it has run its course, he tells her she will be damned to hell. She laughs in his face, knowing all too well that she is already destined to spend eternity in Hell. We had to wonder at this moment if Ed Harley naïvely believes that everyone has redeemable qualities that will lead them to Heaven, or if he has a learning disability. = -22pts 
• Pumpkinhead taunts his next victims by rubbing the current, not yet dead, victim’s face against the window. We’re expecting his next victim to receive a very deadly noogie, or an even deadlier nipple twister. = +10pts 
• Pumpkinhead murders Joel by stabbing him through the chest with a shotgun. We would normally be distracted by the shear ridiculousness of this premise, but not today, folks. Not today. = +40pts 
• Why has it taken him this fucking long to get his flamethrower out! = -10pts 
• Pitchfork being pulled from body, clearly coming from between the armpit and the torso.= -30pts 
• Ed realizes that the only way to stop Pumpkinhead is to die himself. He heroically shoots himself, failing, requiring Kim to finish the job with a few more shots. = -5pts (For terrible accuracy.) 
• With the monster’s reign of terror over, we end on the witch walking to the pumpkin patch, burying a body in the spot that Ed originally dug the monster out of, only to reveal that the body being buried is Ed’s, signifying that conjurer is now poised to be the next monster. The most thought provoking moment of this scene is not the cyclical nature of violence and revenge, rather it is the revelation that the witches back is so shitty and crooked because she’s been burying monsters in the pumpkin patch for centuries. = -8pts. 

Total Score = -104pts
Available on: DVD, pumpkin patches all over the Appalachian countryside

For all of the films flaws, the special effects in Pumpkinhead hold their own, thanks to the direction of FX legend, Stan Winston. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of the film’s plot and pacing, but that’s nothing a little alcohol can’t fix. It’s fun for the October season, and worth a watch to get in some cheap laughs, but be forewarned: the monster does not have a giant pumpkin for a head. We know…we were disappointed too.

Score Technician: Ryan VenHuizen

Yandy's Sexy Halloween Costumes, 2014 Edition

Based on the apparent popularity of last year's Halloween costume round-up, we at the Progressive Cinema Scorecard can only assume that our readership is deeply concerned with all things relating to women's fashion. In our continued efforts to serve your needs, we bring the 2014 installment. As you may recall from last year, Halloween costumes for women are a little different than the ones marketed toward men.

The costumes above come from Yandy.com, a purveyor of lingerie and erotic Halloween attire. And indeed, if you're a lady looking to get naughty this Halloween, there's no shortage of sultry outfits to choose from. Please allow the nanobots to help you navigate these difficult waters by steering you away from those costumes that might not have the effect you're looking for.

Sexy Food Costumes (Again)

• Nothing brings out the inherent voluptuousness of grapes like bikini-top/miniskirt combo that's dotted with scabby-looking purple disks. = -4pts
• Also, have fun spending a whole night with your thighs bound together by thin green cords. = -11pts

• No, really, that huge inverted tetradecagon around your waist is super-flattering. = -7pts
• The best part, though, is that the costume is named "Officially Licensed Pink Ring Pop Dress." Which is important, because we were really concerned about the possibility of unscrupulous gray-market opportunists getting rich off this beloved Topps corporation property. = +10pts

• This image was clearly put together in Photoshop using a picture of a girl in a black leotard and a stock photo of a cupcake. Whoever created this is probably lying awake in bed right now, praying that no one calls his bluff and actually orders one of these costumes, because if that happens, his whole imaginary costume-empire will come crashing down. = -8pts

Sexy Versions of Beloved Figures from Our Childhood

• This sexy Barney the Purple Dinosaur costume will make it look like he's chewing ineffectually on the top of your head all night. = +6pts
• But, seriously, fuck you for forcing us to use "Barney the Purple Dinosaur" and "sexy" into the same sentence. = -13pts

• The inherent attractiveness of the form-fitting romper and thigh-high stockings is only slightly offset by the headpiece that gives off the appearance that its wearer decapitated a popular video game character, hollowed out his skull, and turned the top of his head into a hat. = -9pts

• She would not last 30 seconds out in space in this outfit. = -3pts

• Considering that we can't think of anything more aggressively asexual than the minions from Despicable Me, we actually have to tip our hats in admiration to this one. Well played, Yandy. Well played. = +5pts
• Bonus points for using the same stock photo of the model as the Sonic costume. = +2pts

Sexy Animal Costumes

• There are some animals that lend themselves naturally to the "sexy" treatment: cats, foxes, wildebeests (What? We can't be the only ones...). Lobsters, not so much. They're basically giant ocean-dwelling bugs. This costume includes such alluring accessories as spindly insect legs, great wobbly antennae, and sensuous furry claw mitts. = -12pts

• Along the same lines as the lobster: A boneless sack of luminescent jelly trailing poison-coated tentacles isn't exactly a turn-on. = -10pts

• In case you were wondering what it would look like if guys had to wear costumes like the ones designed for women, Yandy was kind enough to present us with this furry cat costume for men. Try to restrain your uncontrollable lust. = -9pts
• Still, good on them for attempting to even the score. = +9pts

Sexy Superheros

• Most female superheros already dress like they received their distress signal while mid-routine at the Bada-Bing, so this should be pretty fertile territory. Nonetheless, the majority of the costumes in this category are skimpy distaff knock-offs of popular male heroes. = -4pts
• This, by the way, is supposed to be a Spider-Man costume. Let that sink in for a minute. It's like the designer was asked to create a woman's Spider-Man costume based only on a 20-word description of it that had been run through Google Translator a couple dozen times, in as many different languages, before converting it back to English. = -20pts

• There are an alarming number of "costumes" that are essentially just bikinis branded with the hero's logo. = -7pts
• This particular ensemble is for people who find Wonder Woman's traditional leather bustier and roller-rink booty shorts too prudish. = -14pts

• This doesn't even qualify as a costume. = -22pts
• Also, maybe tell your photographers to lay off the Deadite filter in post-production. = -3pts

Just Plain Offensive

• Hey, so this still flies in 2014. = -40pts

• We would have zero problem with this one, except that the manufacturers dubbed it the Black Dahlia Flapper. Which would actually make for an excellent Halloween costume, provided you could figure out a way to split yourself in half. = -6pts

• White girls, we know what you're thinking: "Do I have any Asian friends in my social circle? Am I okay to show up at a party dressed like this?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, we kind of lost track ourselves. But being that this costume is designed to make you look like a leggy carton of Chinese takeout, offensive enough to isolate anyone with even a modicum of sensitivity, you've got to ask yourselves one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well do ya, punk? = -50pts

Total Score = -220pts
Available on: http://www.yandy.com

So, that concludes this year's analysis of sexy Halloween don'ts. This whole exercise has left the nanobots fairly exhausted. On top of that, we think they're coming down with a cold, because they've gone through their entire box of Kleenex. So, until next year, happy Halloween and stay safe out there.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling