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Score Technician: TJ Geise
When we last left the Game of Thrones gang, Ramsay Snow was still a d-bag, Tyrion was all like, “What up?” to Daenerys, Sam got his freak on, and Cersei ended up thrown in the jank. Let’s see what’s going on now!
- Tyrion immediately proves to Daenerys why he’s the most reasonable person on the show. = +5pts
- Beating the queen mother with a wooden spoon after whipping a dry roll into her face. Joffrey’s spinning in his gilded grave after that one! = +6pts
- Selling oysters, clams, and cockles in service of the Many-Faced God. = +3pts
- Placing bets on whether or not ships will make it to their destinations: Braavosi pastime or FOX’s newest reality show? = -3pts
- Not giving a fizz about whether your disciple succeeds or fails. = -2pts
- Expect to see the quote, “Belief is so often the death of reason,” on the bumpers of trendy atheists everywhere. = +2pts
- Sansa finding common ground with her husband in her desire to torture and maim Theon Greyjoy. = -3pts
- The anticipation of seeing Ramsay and twenty dudes go toe-to-toe against Stannis and his army. = +5pts
- Being the right kind of terrible. = +5pts
- Daenerys Targaryen: Wheelbreaker. = +4pts
- Slurping tepid water from the floor of a dungeon cell. = -3pts
- If you’ve ever wondered who in the heck buys snow camo, look no further than the Free Folk. = -4pts
- Bludgeoning Skeletor to death with his own Havoc Staff. = -2pts
- Getting everyone but the hairless cannibals to join #TeamSnow. = +8pts
- Warrior Mom gets a little extra screen time saying goodbye to her adorable children. Brace yourselves… foreshadowing is coming. = -2pts
- Nothing convinces people faster that winter is coming than seeing it show up on your doorstep. = +5pts
- Zombies, and skeletons, and wights – oh, my! = +10pts
- Jon Snow cutting a skeleton in half. = +5pts
- Giant Liam Neeson stomping a skeleton into a mudhole. = +8pts
- Being such a cold-ass honkey that you extinguish fire just by walking by. = +5pts
- Shattering steel with ice. = +3pts
- The look on the White Walker’s face when Jon Snow’s steel didn’t shatter. = Priceless.
- Kablooeying with a single blow the mini-boss of the Hardhome level. = +15pts
- Warrior Mom is the scissors to the zombie children’s rock. = -4pts
- It’s a living dead deluge! Wait, no, a zombieslide! Skeleton tsunami! Oh, oh, undeadalanche! = +9pts
- Giant Liam Neeson swinging the flaming log of freedom. = +6pts
- Not waving goodbye to Ice Satan and all of his new friends (including Warrior Mom). = -4pts
- For being the best fifteen-ish minutes of Season 5. = +15pts
Season score: +145pts
After seasons of hearing that Winter is Coming™, seeing it finally arrive was both frightening and exhilarating. An immeasurable force of destruction in action makes the civil war subplot moot. It’s like playing cops and robbers in the middle of a shelling. Knowing how Game of Thrones rolls, the battle between Ramsay and Stannis will likely get interrupted by White Walkers. That truly will be a song of ice and fire!
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