When you have a Saved by the Bell movie that’s executive produced by Dustin Diamond, the result is more The Passion of Dustin Diamond than a factual behind-the-scenes look at the series. Add in the fact that it’s a Lifetime movie, and the nanobots may just explode on this one.
- Somehow the actors in the Lifetime movie look even more precocious than the actual SBTB actors. = +4pts
- For some reason, we have to hear all about Screech’s unsupportive dad. We’re guessing Screech lamenting his monster dong is coming up soon. = -7pts
- Screech takes over the “Time Out” move from Zach. But you haven’t earned what Zach Morris has earned! =-5pts
- “I really want people to see me as an actress.” – something people who are terrible at acting say. = -2pts
- Making a Latino guy pretend to be Italian: +5pts (in 1989) – 15pts (in 2014)
- Strangely, the casting agents are all played by young hot women, which means the actual casting agents for the movie were old ugly men. = -6pts
- Poor Screech alert: no one cares that he’s taking karate lessons. = -4pts
- Sweet ‘80s soundtrack may be this film’s only saving grace. Now, close your eyes and envision watching any number of other films that featured these songs. = +12pts
- AC Slater randomly doing push ups in the middle of a photoshoot seems like the only thing in this movie that happened in real life. = +10pts
- Where’s Mr. Belding? = -8pts
- And we finally get to the “I’m So Excited!” recreation. This movie just became worth it. = +16pts
- Poor Screech alert: The costume designer did not find it hilarious that he put a fake spider in her office. But who doesn’t love a practical joke done by a spoiled, rich teenage actor? = -7pts
- Screech tries to get his own “I’m So Excited!” episode by depicting his descent into alcoholism. If only someone had appreciated his sweet karate moves! = +9pts
- Lisa and Zach break up: “Then I guess we’re just as fake as Zach and Kelly!” = +5pts
- Screech confronts a bully, saves kitten from a burning house, helps elderly lady cross street, totally willing to give you a massage if you want one. = +11pts
- We imagine Screech pitching this movie went a lot like Mac from Always Sunny talking about his sweet roundhouse kicks. “And I get super awesome at karate and I get laid a whole bunch!!!” = +13pts
- Lisa and Jessie decide to leave the show. This worked out well for them. = -4pts
- Although the writing and acting is appropriately awful for a Lifetime movie, no one’s husband is murdered nor has an aging starlet appeared. You’re losing your touch, Lifetime. = -10pts
- Five second appearance of Mr. Belding turns out to be highlight of the film. = +20pts
- Sadly, movie ends before recapping Save By the Bell: The College Years or Saved by the Bell: The New Class. = -9pts
- Screech tells us what everyone did post-SBTB. Curiously, Screech doesn’t recap his own experiences post-SBTB, because you know, porn. = -17pts
- Movie ends with montage of clips from the movie, yes the very movie you just watched, as if you’re lucky enough to forget the past two hours of your life. = -20pts
Available On: Lifetime, Dustin Diamond’s Tinder Profile
Instead of watching this movie, try watching that SNL skit where Tobey Maguire pretended to be Screech. You’ll get a more accurate depiction of Dustin Diamond in just a fraction of the time.
Score Technician: Amanda Hemmerling
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