Vampire's Kiss

Once a neglected dark comedy, Vampire’s Kiss has worked its way back into pop culture thanks to a combination of Internet tomfoolery and the timelessness that is Nicolas Cage’s acting. As Peter Lowe, literary agent and all-around ‘80s guy turned bloodsucking fiend, Cage spasms and cavorts into the cold embrace of undeath all while tormenting his subordinate, Alva (played by Maria Conchita Alonso). Can the nanobots withstand Nic Cage’s wildest performance, or will Vampire’s Kiss suck from them their precious vitality? Time to turn on the machines and discover the truth!

• Nicolas Cage’s ever-changing accent. = -5pts (-1pt for each accent he tries on for size.) 
• Drunken conversations with Nic Cage drift toward discussing the Fantastic Four, even when he’s playing a literary agent. = +4pts 
• Nic Cage’s date’s ribcage. = -6pts (For being the scariest thing in the film.) 
• When a bat flies in through the window and interrupts sexy time, Nicolas Cage attempts to shoo it away by literally shouting, “Shoo!” His date is unimpressed. = +3pts 
• If you don’t enunciate the “ha” when you laugh, how will people know you’re laughing? = -4pts 
• After burdening Alva with the boring task of finding some guy’s contract, Nic Cage shirks his job by staring through his office window at a hot dog vendor. = +5pts 
• No one can start an anecdote by interjecting, “Holy shit!” like Nic Cage can. = +8pts 
• Cameo by David Hyde Pierce with a push-broom mustache. = +7pts 
• Bringing the girl from Flashdance back to your apartment only to discover that she’s a vampire. = +3pts (That actually sounds kinda steamy now that we think about it.) 
• Pasty alert! = -5pts 
• Serving coffee to your imaginary girlfriend and then spilling it all over the bed. = -7pts (The madness begins…) 
• Either Nic Cage’s date has a hat with a hole in the top to accommodate her afro puffs or she’s wearing a hat that’s wearing a weave. It’s ridiculous either way. = -7pts 
• When his girlfriend asks his opinion about modern art, Nic Cage proclaims that he has to piss and then ditches her. Smooth move! = +6pts 
• This scene happens. = +25pts 
• We’re not sure, but it sounded as if Nic Cage shouted, “Fucking GREASEHOUND!” before having a spaz attack while trying to leave a diner. = +9pts 
• One of the tell-tale signs of madness is choosing to use a payphone in a building where mimes are performing. = - 4pts 
• After jumping onto a desk and maniacally chasing Alva into the ladies room, Nic Cage has a board meeting to have a good laugh about the whole thing. The ‘80s were a hell of a time! = +10pts 
• Nicolas Cage takes rejection about as well as Tommy Wiseau does in The Room. = -4pts 
• The most amazing recitation of the alphabet in cinematic history. = +50pts 
• Mescaline is a hell of a drug. = -3pts 
• Nicolas Cage berates Alva in such a hilarious manner as to become immortalized in meme form. = +50pts 

• Start your day off the Nicolas Cage way!
• Shower with your imaginary girlfriend and chide her when she gets frisky. = +3pts 
• Make creepy faces at yourself in the mirror. = +5pts 
• Pretend that the mirror burns your hand and then nonchalantly walk away. = +6pts 
• Eat a live cockroach for breakfast. = -15pts  
•  Is it dedication to finding his client’s contract that drives Nicolas Cage to show up at Alva’s house when she calls in sick or does he just want to bring her back to work to tyrannize her further? Don’t kid yourself – it’s the latter. = -7pts
• Getting so angry that you nearly vomit. = -4pts (We’ve been there.) 
• A public bathroom is one of the worst places to rant about no longer casting a reflection. = -3pts 
• When Alva finally finds the contract, Nicolas Cage swings his head back and forth like The Devil’s own metronome and sings, “Too late! Too late! Too late!” = +20pts 
• Nic Cage chases Alva down a spiral staircase. Symbolism! = -4pts 
• When Alva draws a pistol in self-defense, Nic Cage demands that she shoot him or else he will both fire and rape her. She doesn’t shoot him. = -30pts 
• After failing to commit suicide by firing a blank into his mouth, This happens.: = +20pts 
• That Nic Cage wasn’t Oscar-nominated for the scene where he runs through the streets screaming, “I’m a vampire!” over and over is proof that the Academy Awards are rigged. = -8pts 
• After watching Nic Cage flip his couch over and turn it into a coffin, we sort of want to do that now too. Best fort ever! = +4pts 
• Unable to afford twenty-dollar fiberglass vampire fangs, Nicolas Cage dons three-and-a-half plastic cheapies and crawls away on his hands and knees. = +9pts 
• After interrupting his psychiatrist’s steamy shower with a passionate Latino lover, Nic Cage awkwardly catches a pigeon and then eats it for dinner. = +11pts 
• Upon sleeping for an entire day (with his fangs in), Nic strongarms his way into a nightclub and does his best Max Shreck impression. = +5pts 
• Ladies, take heed: if Nic Cage fumbles at your boobs, don’t slap him or else he will bite you to death. = -6pts 
• Not even his trendy bloodstain goatee can stop Nic Cage’s imaginary girlfriend from breaking up with him. = -7pts 
• Lamenting about your lost love until you vomit. = -8pts (We’ve been there too.) 
• Things go about as well as you can imagine when Nic Cage meets his imaginary girlfriend in the really-real world. = -5pts 
• Alva’s brother has kickass sea captain bedside lamp. = +2pts 
• We’re pretty sure that the director didn’t ask Nic Cage to keen loudly and walk into oncoming traffic while dragging a makeshift stake behind him, but he did it anyway. = +6pts 
• Mistaking the side of a building for his psychiatrist, Nicolas Cage debunks her profession as “bogus” and then pathetically fawns over his new imaginary girlfriend. = -8pts 
• Dismissing rape as “just a bit of id release.” = -15pts 
• What’s the point of having an imaginary girlfriend if you’re just going to break up with her ten minutes later? Just imagine that she sucks less. Why didn’t you think of that, dummy? = -3pts 
• Alva’s brother gets revenge for his sister’s innocence and we witness Nic Cage’s actually-convincing death scene. = +5pts 
• Re-watching the film with the commentary enabled and hearing Nic Cage’s baffled reactions to his own acting. = +60pts

Total Score = +168pts
Available: DVD, reaction meme databases, Nicolas Cage’s Craziest Moments montages on YouTube

While Vampire’s Kiss is at times laugh-out-loud hilarious, to label it a comedy seems a stretch. Most (if not all) of the laughs come from Nicolas Cage’s off-the-wall performance. Moreover, Peter Lowe’s descent into madness is at best a tragedy. Then there’s the sad state of poor Alva. Poor, poor Alva.

It’s not unusual to run the gamut of emotions while watching this film. You’ll be happy, you’ll be sad, you’ll be disgusted, and you’ll be confused; however, bring a Scorecard and you definitely won’t be disappointed.

Score Technician: T. J. Geise