The Walking Dead Season 4, Episode 10 &11

If you want to get caught up, you’ve got to run. So let’s go!

Episode 10

• “Are you there, God? It’s me, Beth. WHY DID YOU RUIN EVERYTHING?!?! WHY?!?! xoxoxo” = -3pts
• Daryl upgrades from creepy mommy issues (Carol), to inappropriate daddy ones (Beth). = -2pts
• Every time a zombie does something clever, Daryl’s leather jacket gets a new wing. = +2pts (One point for each wing.)
• Leave it to a zombie apocalypse to finally bring about a post-racial America. = +5pts
• Proof we’re what’s wrong with society: We’d give Tyrese $20 to ditch those kids. = +20pts (Anything that would have resulted in Tyrese being unnecessarily murdered by the police pre-zombies gets him a pass. We’re pretty sure wandering around the woods with three blonde white kids would have been at the top of the list.)
• Fast-tracking romantic subplot by having D’Angelo Barksdale talk to newly brotherless Sasha…with his shirt off. = +3pts
• Zombie dating game. = +4pts (“What’s behind door number, holyshitthatsabunchofzombies!!)
• Closing the door behind you for no reason. = -1pt
• Taking pictures of living women in repose. = -3pts (Did we learn nothing from this.)

Total points = +21pts

Episode 11

• Zombies love balloons! = +5pts 
• We appreciate fidelity to the comic as much as anyone, but if they were going to insist on Abraham being a ginger, couldn’t they have found a hair color dialed one or two shades back from “Kool-Aid Vomit?” = -6pts 
• Also while we’re on it, Rosita is dressed like a booth girl at a gun show. = -8pts 
• Michonne shows off her stylish new ensemble while Rick stumbles around in a shirt that is literally disintegrating from his body. = -2pts 
• Michonne wastes her best material on little Sheriff Grumpy-Pants. = +3pts (Don’t feel too bad, M. Rick’s Batman impression couldn’t get his attention either.) 
• The sudden intrusion of another party into the house where the group is squatting causes Rick to re-enact his favorite scene from Taken… but not the Liam Neeson part. = +9pts 
• Michonne: Mary Poppins with a sword. = +4pts 
• Walking Dead as a bawdy, Farley brothers-esque comedy: Instead of beating the shit out of each other over ownership of the bed under which Rick is hiding, the two men make violent, passionate love atop of it. 
• Eugene’s total lack of remorse over shooting up Abraham’s truck. = +6pts 
• “Son of a dick?” = -7pts 
• As cool as it was watching Rick strangle a guy to death with a gun strap in the bathroom, imagine how much cooler it could have been if the guy’s pants were around his ankles while it was happening. = +5pts 

Total Score = +9pts
Season Score = +220pts

Not a super eventful episode, but Rick having to Die Hard his way out the house his group was holed up in made for a pretty gripping subplot. The Nanobots are very interested to see what’s waiting for everyone at the end of that rail line, too.

Feel that burn? It's called work, son.

My Little Pony: Equestria Girls

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is an adorable phenomenon. For a show designed to teach young girls basic lessons on friendship and then sell them toys, a surprisingly large chunk of their fanbase is adult men. Bronies (and their oft-overlooked female counterparts, Pegasisters) cite the show’s clever writing, vivid animation, and endearing characters as the reason for the allure. It’s no surprise that the first full-length feature, My Little Pony: Equestria Girls, would place the ponies in human bodies in an effort to pander to those grown-up fans. Do adult men really want to watch cartoon teenagers get into shenanigans? The millions of animes sold say yes, yes they do. But does the movie live up to the standard set by its television precursor? The nanobots will find out!

• Opening the film with a cute choo-choo train! = +3pts 
• Being a princess means having responsibilities? That’s, like, so boring. = -5pts 
• If we had to choose between majestic Pegasus wings or being able to snuggle under blankets for good night’s sleep, we’d choose the latter. = -4pts 
• Remixing the intro song to a high enough level of obnoxiousness as to make the listener poke his or her ears out. = -15pts 
• Naming Twilight Sparkle’s nemesis “Sunset Shimmer.” = -6pts 
• It’s a real dick move to punctuate your explanation of the obviously important task that is retrieving a harmony-balancing crown with, “Do you realize the importance?” = -4pts 
• In pursuit of Sunset Shimmer, Twilight Sparkle tumbles into an alternative dimension where she and everyone else is an adorable teenaged schoolgirl. For fan-fiction purposes, they’re all eighteen. = +7pts 
• Spike, the dragon equivalent of Orko, is spared the schoolgirl metamorphosis and is instead transformed into a cocker spaniel. He’s still cute, we guess. = +3pts 
• To avoid issues of race, the teenagers are colored like pastel plague victims. = -4pts 
• Zecora the mystical zebra is unsurprisingly missing from the humanized cast. We were really looking forward to seeing an African character wear neck rings and speak exclusively in rhymes. = -5pts 
• Schoolgirl dimension Fluttershy is still endearingly awkward and submissive. D’awww! = +5pts 
• Rather than ask why Twilight Sparkle was suddenly a student at her high school, the principal immediately asks if Twilight was interested in running for Homecoming Princess. = -6pts 
• None of the ponies get along! Time to inject this mundane schoolgirl universe with the magic of friendship! = +4pts 
• Sunset Shimmer’s nefarious plan of attack against Twilight Sparkle is to have her henchmen take embarrassing videos of Twilight trying to adjust to being a people and then make them viral. Such villainy! = +12pts 
• Ruining a silent auction with fireworks and noisemakers. = +5pts 
• Rainbow Dash brutally destroys Twilight Sparkle in a game of soccer to prove that Twilight will do anything if it means doing it for her friends. We think it was more to show how much of a terrible character Rainbow Dash is. = -2pts 
• Spike resists the urge to hump Rarity’s leg. = +4pts 
• Twilight Sparkle has an awkward moment with a boy. That’s precious until you remember that she’s actually a horse. = -4pts 
• The girls don ears and tails in an effort to dazzle their classmates into voting for Twilight Sparkle as harvest-time princess. Bronies, get your boners ready! = +5pts 
• Oh, now they’re singing. Belay those bones, fellahs. = -5pts 
• Guitar solo! = +10pts 
• Taking the sagacious advice of your talking dog that is actually a dragon without it backfiring. = +6pts 
• Musical “Let’s Work Together!” montage time! = +9pts 
• Musical “Let’s Get Gussied Up!” montage time, complete with a magic dog trying on mustaches! Fuck yeah – BACK-TO-BACK MONTAGES!!! = +18pts 
• +1 point for every teenager losing their virginity at the end of the Fall Formal. = 0pts 
• Twilight Sparkle has her princess crown stolen once more, but doesn’t anticipate Sunset Shimmer turning into a maniacal She-Satan upon wearing it. She really should have seen that coming. = -2pts 
• Sunset Shimmer transforms her henchmen into devils and blows a hole in the high school wall. Boy… that escalated quickly. = +8pts 
• Wilhelm scream! = +5pts 
• The girls transform into a Sailor Moon team of pony-eared super-heroines because friendship is motherfucking magic! = +15pts 
• The epic final showdown between demons and super-ponies lasts just long enough for the writers to realize that this scene was included in a movie aimed at young girls. = +5pts 
• Of course Sunset Shimmer was evil because she knew no other way, and of course the girls forgive her for trying to murder everyone in the entire world. = -6pts 
• Someone finally hangs a lampshade on Spike’s ability to talk. = +3pts 
• Pinkie Pie. = +10pts (Just ‘cause.) 
• Derpy Hooves stinger! = +7pts

Total Score = +76pts
Available: The Hub, Netflix, motel rooms crammed full of pony convention-goers

My Little Pony: Equestria Girls seems tailor-made to entertain children without making their parents regret having children in the first place. It’s colorful, charming, and genuinely funny, just like the television show. Having the ponies made into teenaged girls with teenaged problems made for a fun “What If?” scenario without permanently affecting the characters oh-so-beloved by the fans. If you haven’t had a chance to watch the show, because you either don’t have children or aren’t a cartoon-watching thirtysomething manchild like this score technician, give the show a chance and hold off on the movie until then. If you’re already among the ranks of bronies and pegasisters, then you should find Equestria Girls a fun (and hopefully wholesome) distraction. For the less-wholesome folks with pony waifus, ready your tissues.

Score Technician: T. J. Geise

Man of Steel

On a distant, dying planet, a desperate scientist places his only son into a rocket and sends it to Earth as insurrection and seismic shifts tear everything that was his world apart. Any resemblance (after these events) to real DC Comics characters, relevant or otherwise, is purely coincidental. Mercenary director Zack Snyder throws his blunt truncheon into the fray as Warner Bros. takes its first agonizing steps into a wider DC Cinematic Universe, its only motivation to do so because Marvel Entertainment has reached the point where they can make movies with talking raccoons and potentially make a billion dollars. British actor Henry Cavill stars as the beloved American icon, Sup - super... His name was Kal-El, we guess. Henry Cavill stars as Kal-El with HOPE on his chest and a paycheck in his pocket in Snyder and screenwriting atrocity David S. Goyer's cynical take on the legendary origins of Superman.

• Warner Bros. Logo = -1pt 
• DC Comics Logo = -2pts 
• Syncopy Logo = +5pts. 
• BANTHAS ARE NOT FROM KRYPTON. = -3pts. 
• We begrudgingly admit that Krypton's Science Council looks very cool. = +10pts
• Faora. Hu-Ul. +5pts
• Zod: "These lawmakers... WITH THEIR ENDLESS DEBATES..." Shit, cool it, bro. They're, like, right over there. = -5pts
• Russell Crowe fight scene. = +22pts 
• Lara's hair looks like Medusa snakes which, ew. = -5pts
• Zod's forces have ships. Jor-El has a space dragon. = -3pts. 
• Snyder’s zoom-ins and outs making us want to puke. = -5pts 
• Codex. Unnecessary McGuffin. = -20pts
• Matrix babies? C'mon, Snyder. You're making a movie for Warner Bros. and you steal from one of the most popular action films they ever made? = -23pts
• Jor-El on Earth: "A seemingly intelligent population." Um. Maybe YOU should have been in charge of finding a habitable planet, buddy = -5pts 
• Jor-El: "Good-bye, my son. Our hopes and dreams travel with you." I... I need a minute. *sniff* NO I'M NOT. = +10pts  
• Zod’s and Jor-El's battle armor is fairly bitchin', = +2pts. 
• Jor-El beatdown. = +30pts. 
• Lara takes murder fairly well. = -5pts. 
• Zod: "I will find him, Lara. What, you don't believe me? 'Cuz I'll totally do it. Just try me. You think I can't? I WILL FIND HIM. Gaw." = -5pts. (For reprising his role as bitchy sorority sister.) 
• Lara speaks the most tantalizing, yet ultimately disappointing line in the whole movie: "This is the end." = -8pts (If only.) 
• Now, this technician has seen Krypton explode at least 100 times, and I'll say it: this is the scariest, and coolest, depiction of it yet. = +50pts. 
• Clark Kent’s not earning a journalism degree on a shrimping boat. = -78pts
• Can't singe Super-chest hair. = +8pts
• Super-flashback: Superman Begins. = -42pts 
• Zach Snyder putting a humpback whale in his movie is his way of saying, "Fuck you, world, I have 225 million dollars to spend." = -5pts
• Chris Cornell singing in a Superman movie = -88pts
• Clark: "Oh, there's a schoolbus, which reminds me of that one time..." = -5pts
• Pete Ross uses the word "dicksplash." David S. Goyer, screenwriter, ladies and gentlemen = -10pts 
• Kevin Costner as Jonathan Kent = +100pts (Much better than Kevin Costner as wannabe Liam Neson)
• Shaky-cam Father/Son moment = -10pts. 
• Jonathan: "You ARE my son." You guys, I can't... = +100pts. 
• Thank you, Canadian Army fellas, for that very handy line of exposition. = -5pts. 
• Clark: "Ease up, bro." Okay, he didn't really say that. BUT HE WAS THINKING IT. = -5pts
• So this bustling truck stop, filled with all sorts of people, just happens to not see Kent wrap a Big Rig around a telephone pole with his bare hands. = -10pts
• Lois Lane, ginger. = -100pts. 
• Just having Emil Hamilton in this flick merits +100pts, but c'mon, Goyer. Was it too much trouble for you to do a quick Google search to find out that he’s a professor? = -50pts
• Col. Hardy: "Temperatures drop to minus 40 at night around here." = +0pts (We think an intrepid reporter like Miss Lane can handle a mild Chicago winter.) 
• Man of Steel, brought to you by Nikon = -3pts. 
• Laurence Fishburne as Perry White = +50pts... (Bravo.) 
• Lois: "I'm a Pulitzer Prize winning reporter." Thanks for reminding us, Lane. = -20pts 
• Enter: Space/Ghost Dad = +5pts 
• Now, the 'S' symbol in this movie stands for 'hope', and it is the chosen mark of the House of El. This scoutship, carrying a suit adorned with such a symbol, was brought to Earth over 18,000 years ago (for some damned reason), and one of the ship's lifepods was open when Kal came across them. This is the only time where Snyder uses actually employs subtlety and plants a tantalizing seed into the film that makes me us want to discover more without beating us over our heads with it. DC released a Prologue comic in 2013 that featured the crew of this ship, chief among them one Kara Zor-El, or Supergirl, as she's commonly known. Who's to say she's not out there, frozen, waiting for her baby cousin to come rescue her? Wouldn't that make for a better sequel, ZACK SNYDER? = +200pts 
• Learning to fly. = +50pts. 
• Jor-El: "You will give the people of Earth an ideal to strive towards. They will race behind you. They will stumble, they will fall. But in time, they will join you in the sun, Kal. In time, you will help them accomplish wonders." Totally ripped from Grant Morrison’s All-Star Superman, but hearing Russell Crowe say it gives us the kind of goosepimples we got when Marlon Brando said to Christopher Reeve, "They can be a great people, Kal-El. They wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For these reasons, above all their capacity for good, I have sent them you. My only son." We need a minute here, folks = +100pts 
• Flight sound effects are from The Adventures Oof Superman with George Reeves, a television show from 1952-1958. Nice touch = +100pts. 
• Flying outside Earth's orbit, a nod to Richard Donner's magnificent Superman: The Movie. = +100pts. 
• Man of Steel, brought to you by IHOP. = -3pts
• Jonathan Kent, hero. = +50pts (*sniff*)
• Sacrificing your father’s life in an effort to save the family dog. = -10pts (Kryptonians sure do have bizarre priorities. Although this may explain the wanton destruction and death that follows.) 
• Man Of Steel, brought to you by Budweiser. = -5pts. 
• Little Clark is reading Plato upside down. = -5pts. 
• About the fifteenth time we've been reminded how Clark/Kal-El will change the world. We get it. = -10pts
• Clark goes to church to ask about sacrificing himself for the good of the people, and Snyder frames Clark's dome around a stained glass window that features - yup - Jesus Christ. = -100pts
• Faora. Damn. = +50pts
• Having no discernible reason to have Lois aboard Zod's craft. = -10pts. 
• Drowning in skulls. Pee-yew. = -10pts
• Good thing that Goyer wrote Lois into Zod's ship, otherwise who would use the Super-memory card to upload Ghost Dad, and thus saving Kal and ensuring Crowe gets that beach home in the Bahamas.? = -50pts
• Jor-El: "You can save her, Kal. You can save all of them." This movie needs 100% more Russell Crowe. = +50pts. 
• Zod's helmet looks like the jockey from Prometheus. = -5pts
• Martha Kent: "Go to Hell." Ick = -30pts
• Man oOf Steel, brought to you by 7-11. = -5pts
• Kal-El: "Get inside. It's not safe." Shit, iIt ain't safe in there, either = -10pts. 
• Man of Steel, brought to you by Sears. = -5pts
• Man of Steel, brought to you by U-Haul. = -5pts
• 9/11 imagery. Because that's what you want in a Superman film. = -100pts. (Well, maybe in a Transformers movie...) 
• Thank you, Dr. Hamilton, for the definition of "terraforming." = -5pts
• Saying "Superman" three times, in a row, and the film not imploding. = -100pts
• Terraforming, brought to you by Skrillex. = -50pts
• Kal-El vs. Space-Oil Squid. = -50pts. (For stealing from Hellboy.) 
• They snuck Christopher Reeve in there, superimposed over Cavill's face. Can't tell whether or not I should love this or hate this. = +0pts 
• Does Faora have a thing for Col. Hardy? We’re not jealous, We’re just, er, asking. For a friend. = -200pts
• Jenny: "He saved us." He saved four of you. Look at your city. = -32pts
• Lois: "It's all downhill after the first kiss." Kal-El: "I'm pretty sure that only counts when you kiss a human." = -200pts
• LexCorp truck tankers. Insert Jesse Eisenberg joke here. LexCorp cameo = +50pts Jesse Eisenberg = -100 pts Total Score = -50pts 
• Zod: "There's only one way this ends, Kal. Either you die, or I do." In addition to revealing Zod’s inability to count to two, this line is probably why Goyer justifies his stupid-ass ending = -10pts 
• Kal just took a facefull of satellite, courtesy of Wayne Enterprises. = +5pts
• Superman does not kill. Ever. = -500pts
• Captain Farris: "I just think he's kinda hot." Fuck this. = -50pts
• Cue Hans Zimmer's magnificent score, the best part of this whole endeavor = +1000pts

Total Score: -29pts
Available on: Blu-Ray, DVD

Zack Snyder's film has the best of intentions, and makes an attempt to contemporize Superman for modern audiences, but doing so only dilutes the Man of Steel's magnificence. Putting 225 million dollars behind a script written by David S. Goyer is every inch the calamity it should be, and the tragedy is that Superman had to suffer for it. Henry Cavill's game - and the man fills out the suit nicely - but his Superman certainly does not inspire hope, and his brawler antics result in the greatest amount of murder one is likely to see in one single film. It will take a far more nuanced director than Zack Snyder to fill in the finer touches to capture the importance, the brilliance, and - most importantly - the relevance of Superman, and it appears we'll never have the pleasure. Not for the forseeable Bat-Future, at least.

Score Technician: Jarrod Jones, of DoomRocket.

The Walking Dead Season 4, Episode 9

The prison group’s final showdown with The Governor left them sans both a nemesis and a home, scattered (seemingly) to the four winds. Can AMC provide the survivors with a path forward through the rubble without losing any of the momentum or goodwill built up from last year’s explosive mid-season finale? We let the nanobots decide.

• Some new pets for Michonne. = +5pts 
• It’s a measure of Michonne’s respect for Hershel that she dislodges his severed head from her katana with her hand and not her foot. = +7pts 
• Not even Rick’s best Batman impersonation can get Carl to slow the pace of his walking. = +4pts 
• Hey, Carl, the fact that society has collapsed under the weight of the nigh-endless waves of ambulatory cadavers doesn’t give you license to use that sailor talk. = -2pts 
• Holy shit, Michonne’s dream. = +16pts 
• Carl puts down three walkers single-handed. = +9pts 
• …But doesn’t quite have the chops to pull off the “telling off my comatose dad” scene convincingly. = -4pts 
• Post-apocalypse faux pas: Michonne and the female zombie alongside her show up to a herd gathering with the same hair style/vacant stare. = +3pts 
• Also, with no solicitation from this technician whatsoever, the nanobots have spit out a fanfic short involving Michonne and her zombie doppelganger. = +8pts (It gets pretty steamy about four pages in.) 
• Carl’s running start at the locked front door. = +5pts 
• Carl comes down with a sudden spell of “shooting like a storm trooper.” = -3pts 
• …But he still taunts the zombie who almost got him by eating a giant can of pudding on the house’s awning, just out of its reach. = +6pts 
• Ending of the episode lands on just the wrong side of the “important character epiphany/The More You Know PSA from the ‘80s” divide. = -12pts

Total Score = +42pts
Season Score = +190pts

Even though the episode ended on a bit of a heavy-handed note, it was a pretty fine way to kick things off again. The nanobots are eager to check in with the rest of the survivors in the coming weeks.

PCS Staff Bios

Sean McConnell, Editor in Imagination

Sean McConnell was born and is currently alive somewhere in Chicago. He is a writer/director/designer of a bunch of stuff and has been the Editor in Imagination at The Progressive Cinema Scorecard since its creation in 2013. He is also a co-founder and Executive Director of 15 Feet Productions. His work is kind of all over the place and can generally be found where you least expect it.










Joe Hemmerling, Editor in Actuality

No one has laid eyes on Joe Hemmerling for nearly four years now. There are rumors that he lives in a bunker deep under the earth in Northwest Ohio. There are rumors that he has taken a wife named Amanda who acts as his liason to the outside world. There are rumors that he keeps his toenail and hair clippings in jars with the hopes that he can one day use them to raise a clone army made entirely from his own genetic material. All that is known for certain is that Joe maintains detailed files on his past friends and acquaintances, files which he uses to extort their continued participation in the Progressive Cinema Scorecard.


TJ Geise, Senior Editor of Doing Work

T. J. first joined the Scorecard Technician community after converting Joe to Catholicism. His past experience includes being a Keith David impersonator, pineapple shucker, and emu jockey. When not stretching the limits of the nanobots, T. J. spends his free time calling customer service numbers just to chat.










Andrew Daar

Andrew Daar is Andrew Daar, and has only ever been anyone else for about 5 minutes in the winter of 2011. The details of those 5 minutes are remembered only by the nanobots. His body's origin is mid-80s Chicago, but his soul probably passed through the not-exactly fictional land of Amestris on the way to joining his body. He works with Chicago production companies Whiskey Wry and 15 Feet, ostensibly to write and produce comedic material, but possibly for other, more mysterious purposes as well. If you ask nicely, he may reveal why birds suddenly appear every time you are near. The answer may turn your hair white (or, if it is already white, will turn it clear).

Nick Enquist

Nick Enquist is a writer, comedian, starving artist, martial arts practitioner and aficionado, swing dancer, and all around good guy. He has studied comedy writing at Second City, and is currently working in the sketch group Whiskey Wry Productions. (Be sure to like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.) Nick Enquist is currently obtaining his Master’s at DePaul University in Writing and Publishing.

Stacey Hanlon

Being a huge fan of horror, action, Grindhouse and other “alternative” cinema, Stacey Hanlon is thrilled to be a part of The Progressive Cinema Scorecard family. When not writing scorecards, Stacey creates chainmail and leather  jewelry and accessories inspired by horror, heavy metal, and gaming and sells them online at her shop, Bent Metal Craftworks. In 2014, Stacey will be getting up from the computer and going out to meet fans face-to-face as a vendor at the horror conventions Days of the Dead-Indy, Flashback Weekend, and Days of the Dead-Chicago.

Maya Mackrandilal

Maya Mackrandilal is an incarnation of the goddess Parvati, worshipped by a select group of devotees who make offerings of chocolate and whiskey in her honor every full moon. She is the patron of feminazis, who offer blood-sacrifice to her in order to bring about the new age of global matriarchy, where all white men will be forced to stay at home sniffing dirty diapers. She has been known to haunt the darkest nightmares of Mike Hukabee, John Boehner, and most Ron Paul supporters. Pat Robertson once called her the beating heart of the homosexual agenda. When she appeared to Sarah Palin in a prescription-drug-induced hallucination, Palin passed out from exposure to extreme socialism. She was number three on the Drudge Report's list of "5 things worse than Benghazi" and was awarded the honor of "twitter-reverse-racist" by Ed Winkleman. Her apparition is often sighted in Chicago, and seems to frequent coffee-shops, independent bookstores, and purveyors of bahn mi.

Alexander Pearlstein

Alexander Pearlstein currently resides in Los Angeles, where he dallies about in such areas as education, writing, and making sandwiches. If you are conducting a Google search to see if Mr. Pearlstein may be a good fit for your current place of employment, and happen to be a fan of or worked on the movie End of Watch, let's just assume that this isn't the same Alexander Pearlstein you're looking for. 










Ryan VenHuizen

Ryan VenHuizen completed the Second City writing program in July of 2013, where he co-wrote the revue Post Traumatic Sketch Disorder. Ryan was also a finalist in the Second City Training Center's Write Off! competition in April of 2013, where he produced three scenes that were performed at Donny's Skybox in Chicago, IL. Additionally, Ryan is a co-founder of Whiskey Wry Productions, a group of writers and producers that develop sketch comedy revues. Whiskey Wry’s first independently produced show A Sack Full of Coal ran for three weeks at Gorilla Tango: Bucktown in December of 2013.

The Origin of the Progressive Cinema Scorecard, pt 1

The nanobots that power the state of the art Commodore 64’s of The Progressive Cinema Scorecard were discovered in an abandoned warehouse off a lonely highway outside of Boston Massachusetts in the winter of 2012. Joe and Sean, who were on their way back to Chicago after attending the famous New England Magic: The Gathering Tournament and Brony Convention, stumbled across the abandoned warehouse after their 1984 Toyota Tercel broke down as a result of being a 1984 Toyota Tercel. With little light available to them due to the outdatedness of Joe’s Cricket cell phone, they stumbled through a thin forest until eventually coming across the warehouse. It was clear that it had been abandoned because there was nobody there.

As the evening set in, Joe vetoed Sean’s plan to keep warm by shedding their clothes and using their bodies for heat, pointing out that he had dressed appropriately for the Magic Winter Orb tournament—the traditional garb consisting of many layers of thermal underwear, an abused fur coat gifted to his mother from a recently deceased aunty, and the harvested bones of various neighbor’s dogs and cats—while Sean’s choice of ass-less chaps, poncho, sombrero, and bandolier was inappropriate for the winter weather as well as the Brony convention they had just left.

Having made the decisions to keep Joe’s clothes on, the two ventured into the warehouse in the hopes of finding a place to settle down for the evening. Deep down there was excitement over the possibility of stumbling across a room full of abandoned gold (something Joe claimed was hidden all over America in abandoned warehouses just like this one) and the adventure that would likely follow as they dueled over who would stake claim to such a treasure. In this Sean had the distinct advantage, since he had spent years devising potential “disappearing scenarios” related to Joe’s needing to be vanished as the result of a stroke of brilliant luck a bag of abandoned gold would bring.

Deep in the warehouse they found a portal to an underground lair, with a corpse wedged in its entrance between the floor and its heavy trap door. It appeared as though the individual had been fleeing during some kind of emergency, only to slip comically on a discarded rollerskate and get crushed to death by the trap door that slammed shut across his/her chest. It apparently took the individual hours—possibly days—to die. A fact gruesomely retold by the chilling words scrawled out of their own blood:

“Ow!! Jiminy Christmas, that smarts! Damn you Earlymeyer and your skates! You never cleaned up after yourself!!... How long have I been here? Hours?! Days?! I guess now is as good a time as any to write my memoir. Where do I start? I guess it all begins in the seaside home of my mo~~~~~~.”

While arguing over how great of an idea it was to go into the bunker—an 8 being a totally solid good idea, or a 10 meaning definite no-brainer—Joe pried off the best bits of skeleton for his accoutrements, swapping out the smaller somewhat silly cat bones for the totally way more intense human bones and Sean picked off whatever dried flesh might pass for good jerky. They were unfortunately unable to lift the trapdoor, a fact that should have been fairly obvious given the dead person before them. So they took to scavenging what they could from the corpse. While searching the pockets of the dead technician, they stumbled upon a flash drive in which the words, “Love me,” had been written.

Joe, recognizing that such a drive could easily be plugged into your basic PC, hypothesized that its contents could very well be “a source of greater power than a turn-one Sol Ring.” He then convinced Sean to put on his clothes by reminding him that corpses provide little warmth when pressed against the naked flesh of men. Dejected by this revelation and confused by Joe’s “technospeak gibberish,” Sean suggested that they return to the car and begin stripping the vinyl seats for food. Joe concurred and the two returned to the vehicle.

On a whim, Joe suggested that Sean attempt to restart the vehicle. In an effort to humor his friend, Sean proceeded to do exactly that—although not willing to humor his friend too much, he did so while repeating everything Joe said to him in the exaggerated high-pitched mocking voice of his mother. To their surprise, the car started. Sean, thinking that being naked would allow the warm air from the barely working heater to better warm his body, finally removed his clothes and prepared their return to Chicago. Joe, little did he realize, had put the flash drive into his pocket and fondled it the whole way home, quietly whispering, “Now who’s the mightiest plainswalker?”

That was how they found the nanobots.

Understanding what they were and getting them working was a whole different story.

***

Below, for your viewing pleasure, is the first ever Scorecard that Sean McConnell received from the nanobots, back in August of 2011 for the Joe and Sean's Carcast blog (R.I.P.). As you'll notice, the readings were still very crude, as we had not yet fine-tuned our calibrations:

It's a new regular feature on the Carcast site. The Progressive Cinema Scorecard! Joe and I will watch a great cinematic film and assign arbitrary points to scenes/events in films that we feel may or may not be viewed in the current climate as "progressive". 

We decided on the "Progressive Cinema Scorecard," since we all know that the title of "Conservatives Cinema Scorecard" would be a misnomer because conservatives don't actually watch movies, or listen to good music, or look at art, or live. And we decided against the "Liberal Cinema Scorecard" because Joe hates communist hippies. As a result, a compromise was struck. (Take note Washington!) The result: The brilliantly named "Progressive Cinema Scorecard." 

Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Night of the Comet: 

• Having a chick lead who is the best Asteroid player in 1984 = 10 pts
• Having chick lead and her sister be better with machine guns than the boys = 20 pts
• Having a Latino male lead in 1984 = 1pt
• Having said Latino male lead so closely resemble that OTHER Latino actor everybody in 1984 would recognize = -1 pt
• Having Latino male lead return to his house to check on his mother and the only record on display in the entire house being Feliz Navidad, better known as that one Mexican song white people in 1984 would recognize = -1 pt
• Having a bad-ass main chick turn into slightly deranged schoolmarmy wife at the end of the movie = -20 pts
• Having me think there were zombies in this fucking movie when there weren't = -100 pts
• Our liberal use of the word "chick" during this post = -50 pts

Final Progressive Cinema Score for Night of the Comet = -141 points 

In short: Far above average for this genre of film produced that decade. 

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

American Horror Story: Coven, Episode 13

As Jim Morrison said prophetically months before he kicked it as the result of a heroin overdose, "This is the end" (too soon?). And so American Horror Story: Coven ends its third season, although we no longer feel right calling it our "beautiful friend." (WE MISS YOU TATE!)

• Stevie Nicks (we love you!), at the request of Ryan Murphy & Co, reappears to personally scrub "Horror" out of the show's title with an episode killing version of "Seven Wonders." = -10pts
• Mixing Glee and AHS in the same season. Twice. = -25pts
• Having a last supper and staging it in the manner of the actual Last Supper, while also ignoring any religious correlations to the famous painting. = -8pts (For confusing things by placing Myrtle in Jesus' seat. Wha-?)
• It's a bad sign when the actual "Seven Wonders" wouldn't even make it into the outtakes of a David Blaine special. = -10pts
• Taking a dig at NBC's live production of The Sound of Music when your own show has shit the bed for the last four episodes. = -13pts (They were live. What's your excuse?)
• Hell being a high school biology class. = +4pts
• Opening an empty suitcase that is suspiciously big enough for your own body to fit into. = +4pts
• Goodbye ethnic albinos! You will be missed! = +3pts
• Catfishing is hell. = +5pts

Total Score: -50pts

Season Score: +51pts

We've already shared our biggest complaint with this season a few scorecards ago. The best we can say about this episode is that it ended the season. We'd love to tell you how amazing the "Seven Wonders" were, but you could just Spotify Stevie Nicks and listen to it yourselves. 

Ryan Murphy & Co need to take a page from the playbook of a great show like The Wire and stop asphyxiating on the idea of final episode money shots. It didn't work for this guy. It's not working for this show. Have your climax a week early and allow the final episode to deal with the fallout. What we ended up with was an unnecessarily drawn-out show that came to a sudden, shambling halt, with little or no time to reflect on the consequences from the plot that's been building up for the last 13 episodes. The fact that this season ended with a faux-feminist message was laughable, given the last half of the season. But perhaps that's the real horror: fading to black with a cry of "GIRL POWER!!" and expecting your viewers to forget that what you essentially forced us to endure was a fictional Real Housewives-esque portrayal of women as bitchy backstabbers (with magic!). Because it sure wasn't funny. 

Score Technician: Sean McConnell 

Super Bowl XLVIII

After a year of trials, The Progressive Cinema Scorecard runs the Nanobots through the gauntlet that is everything America, Super Bowl XLVIII. For the first time in...a long time(?), the number one teams from the NFC and AFC face-off in what surely will be a game for the ages!  

• Leave it to an Opera singer to somehow make the simple lyrics of the Star Spangled Banner feel ironic. = -3pts
• Flipping the body of Christ in order to determine who will have the ball first. = +5pts
• Mandatory opening kick-off scrum between career special teams players. = -4pts 
• One play into the game and the Bronco center demonstrates his total unpreparedness for the event and, forgetting an entire year of playing with Peyton Manning, decides to hike the ball over the QB's head in the middle of an audible for a safety. = -2pts
• Percy Harvin touches the ball on the second play of the game and doesn't immediately fall to the turf with an injury. = +8pts
• After a season of good football, the Seahawks remain unable to make Russell Wilson look taller in the huddle. = -1pts
• Russell Wilson demonstrates his agility by demolishing sideline photographer while running out of bounds. = +5pts
• SPONSORED BY X: Appropriating Beasts of the Southern Wild's critique of class and privilege for a commercial about a Masseratti's. -10pts
• Pete Carroll demonstrates his unpreparedness for the big game by quickly wasting a challenge on an obvious play. = -2pts
• SPONSORED BY X: Using any classic David Bowie/Rolling Stones song in a commercial made since 2003. = -5pts
• Peyton Manning carries out a run by rolling out....and attempting what looks like a run fake. = -2pts
• John Fox, in an effort to not be outdone by Pete Carroll, promptly wastes one of his own challenges. = -4pts (For reminding us that at least one of these coaches will emerge from this a Super Bowl a winner.)
• SPONSORED BY X: Watching Ellen DeGeneres dance with some hardcore furries in a stranger's house. = +3pts (For being so LA.)
• SPONSORED BY X: Chevrolet, selling trucks and cancer since--we actually don't know since when. This is a new thing. = -10pts
• SPONSORED BY X: Volkswagon forgetting that any commercial giving German engineers praise for developing the power of angels can only come with unfortunate memories for the rest of the world. = -5pts
• Rather than take the points (which would give you the lead in a three score game, assuming you can even score three times), Denver runs a play. In related news: Peyton Manning farts an incomplete pass. = -2pts
• SPONSORED BY X: Andy Roddick does a better job at playing a fern than he ever did at playing tennis in a Grand Slam. = +2pts (Too easy...)
• SPONSORED BY X: Enraged by the most recent episode of Downton Abbey, Jason Statham murders a bunch of flight attendants and crashes a plane full of innocent civilians. = -9/11 points
• SPONSORED BY: Cosmos remake being the best thing Seth MacFarland has ever done. = +10pts
• Halftime:
• Bruno Mars, playing drums. = +10pts
• Bruno Mars, singing live. = +5pts
• Bruno Mars, dancing. = =+10pts
• Bruno Mars, not doing a line of coke off a hooker's rump. = -2pts (And thus failing to hit for the rock star cycle.)
• Watching Red Hor Chili Peppers rock out in front of hundreds of kids who have no idea who they are. = -5pts
• Anthony Keddis: Looking like a porn star from the San Fernando Valley since 1993. = +3pts
• Bruno Mars, making the good call to NOT sing his hit song "Grenade" immediately after the montage of American servicemen and women saying hello to their families. = No points, just a sigh of relief. 
• Total Halftime Score: +21pts
• Denver decides the fastest way to get Peyton Manning on the field in the third quarter is to give up a return for a touchdown. = -7pts
• SPONSORED BY: Axe evolves from making the most sexist commercials to the most racist. = -10pts
• Note: Halfway through the third quarter of one of the most boring Super Bowls of the last 10 years, the nanobots beg to be fed Paranormal Activity 2. REQUEST DENIED.
• Jermaine Kearse runs through the entire Denver defense on his way to another Seattle touchdown. = +6pts
• Note: Technician (and noted Peyton Manning fan) Sean McConnell begs to feed the nanobots Paranormal Activity 2. REQUEST DENIED.
• Bob Dylan effectively renders himself pointless with the line, "Is there anything more America than America?" = -8pts
• Denver throws in the towel and attempts to kick an onside kick to start the fourth quarter. = -4pts
• Denver's master plan to injure all of Seattle's defensive players begins.... three quarters too late. = -3pts
• The game ends. = +5pts

Total Score: -26pts

Bollocks. You know it's a terrible night of football when you can say, without a doubt, that Bruno Mars was BY FAR the most interesting thing to happen in three-and-a-half hours. The terrible play was brain-numbing, and the "America is nothing but amazing" flavor of 90% of the ads didn't leave us with much of a respite. The endless wave of self-congratulatory nostalgia left us feeling that the emperor was more naked than ever. This from the same site that actually scored Convoy.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell