Monday, October 24, 2016

Yandy's Sexy Halloween Costumes: 2016 Edition

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

Halloween is just around the corner, and you all know what that means: time for the technicians of the PCS to spend hours scrolling through thumbnails on Yandy's website looking for Halloween costumes insane enough to draw in the sweet, sweet clicks that we need to feel alive.

Maybe we're seeing some real progress year over year, or maybe we've just been doing this so long that our threshold for ridiculousness has been completely blown out, but it felt like we had to dig a little deeper to find the truly batshit stuff. Alongside their usual selection of barely-there sexy attire, there even seemed to be a decent selection of costumes we could actually imagine a human wearing.

But before we start flying the Mission Accomplished banner, it's important to note that there's still a ways to go in leveling the Halloween playing field between the genders. After all, one of the handful of men's costumes available on the site is this little knee-slapper, Dr. Ken Abyss:
In case you and your boyfriend were thinking of coordinating your costumes this year and dressing up as the two most tedious people at the party, here's the distaff version of that outfit:
The prosecution rests.

Politically Themed Costumes
  • We all remember Donna T. Rumpshaker from last year's roundup, it's only fair that Hillary should get her own off-brand parody costume. = +9pts
  • But does it have to make you look like a flasher with the "I want to speak to your manager" 'do? = -11pts
  • And where are the sexy Jill Stein/Gary Johnson costumes? HAS JOHN PODESTA GOTTEN TO YOU TOO, YANDY? WHERE IS WIKILEAKS ON THIS? = -13pts
  • This spicy little number is an express ticket to the #BoneZone. = +6pts
  • Reddit profile in your name full of regrettable statements on racial politics sold separately. =  -10pts
Stuff the Kids Are Into

  • You either die dank, or you live long enough to see yourself become a normie Halloween costume. = -5pts

  • We get the logic behind this one. The heart-eyes emoji is round. Boobs are round. Peanut butter + Jelly. But how did no one on the design or marketing team notice how unnerving the final product is? This looks like a kwaii rendering of something out of a Charles Burns comic. = -17pts
  • There's a very specific market for costumes like this, and we're willing to bet that market is "Germany." = -27pts
Costumes with Stuff Strategically Placed Over Your Vagina

  • A little taken aback by the sheer volume of costumes that fell into this category. It's like they were designed specifically with Donald Trump in mind, in order to take the guess-work out of where he needed to grab. = -32pts
  • We at the PCS work hard to stay abreast of all the latest euphemisms/dysphemisms for genitalia. "Hot Fries" is a new one on us. = +5pts
  • Anyone wearing this should be prepared to spend the night fending off requests to pose for pictures with people pretending to punch them in the crotch. = -7pts
  • The sheer amount of real estate that the sound effect takes up on this one makes it a little less blatant than the others, though. = +3pts
  • "Riddle me this, Batman: Can you follow my trail of devilish clues to unravel the mystery of where my clitoris is?" = -6pts
  • So, not only is this Operation outfit the least subtle of all the entries in this category, it also heaps on some extra helpings of body-shaming by diagramming out the wearer's "thunder thighs" and "love handles." Operation: An exciting game of body dysmorphia and self-hatred for the whole family! = -40pts
Aren't These Just "Clothes"?
  • This kind of thing gets us every year. Even with the bone leggings, how is this a costume? Is she supposed to be a giant skull? A giant skull walking around on bone legs? = -2pts
  • We're pretty sure you can buy this Saved by the Bell tank-top at Target. You can't just put on a tank you bought for seven bucks at Target and say you're dressed for Halloween. The word "costume" used to mean something, dammit. = -4pts
  • Half a dozen of these are just corsets with super hero logos on them. Are we splitting hairs with this, or has the world gone insane? If we're in the wrong here, you can tell us. Honest, we can take take it. = -8pts
  •  What? Wait. How? What?? WHAT???? = -16pts
Total Score: -175pts
Available on: Yandy.com

Once more, the PCS has boldly gazed down the maddening gullet of Yandy.com and pulled forth this year's most outrageous attempts at sultry Halloween-wear. Stay safe out there, folks, and maybe you'll even hear from us a few more times between now and next Halloween.

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