Monday, February 2, 2015

Super Bowl XLIX

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

We've done this before. It's a sad fact that the nanobots used to like watching football. Especially on the day the rest of America pretended to, also. But this was not a good year for the NFL. A fact the nanobots couldn't ignore when running their calculations. Not even an 11th hour interview with us was able to salvage the league and Roger Goodell's reputation in their beady microscopic eyes. This was the year The NFL proudly put their foot down against things like human decency and common sense. It was the year the owners revealed themselves to be the CEOs they actually were in real life. By the end of the year, it felt like we were all watching one giant repeat of "Where Are My Pants?" only we all knew where the pants were and wished the NFL would put them on already and stop patting themselves on the back for being so blindly arrogant and clueless. It turns out everything was not awesome. It sucked. So how would such events manifest themselves in the biggest game of the year? Our first clue came when we were running the calculations, and the nanobots kept referring to the match-up as "The New England Cheats vs. Russell Wilson and the Coffee House Godhawks." Who would win when the most entitled franchise in sports faced off with the most arrogantly delirious? Time to crunch some numbers.
  • Choosing the worst year in your league's history to host your biggest game at a stadium named after the most exploitative "university" in America. = -10pts
  • Hydrating with Skittles. = +3pts
  • Punting early. = -2pts (One point for each lame punt.)
  • Sponsored by: Nothing illustrates the struggles of Mohamed Ali quite like watching a legless white lady do whatever most people can't. Proving once again that not even context or missing legs can stop white privilege. = -2pts
  • Sponsored by: Kate Upton's boobs. = +4pts
  • Sposored by: Katie Couric and Bryant Gumbel, or clueless old people with money. = +2pts
  • Marshawn Lynch and Rob Gronkowski both get tackled for short gains by a single defensive back, thus debunking the pre-show hype that both men were "nearly impossible to bring down." = -2pts
  • Tom Brady hopes to derail any accusations of cheating by "throwing" an interception in the endzone. = -2pts (Sorry, Tom. You're going to have to play way shittier if you want to convince us that you aren't cheating. Not even Chris Collinsworth is convinced.)
  • Sponsored by: Minion dong. = +7pts
  • Sponsored by: Skittles, who suggests we settle all disagreements with our masturbation hand. = +5pts
  • Sponsored by: T-Mobile, who finally reveal that they're the shadow Kardashian company we always thought they were. = -2pts
  • Russell Wilson does nothing in the first quarter but run in circles, thus inspiring the new Judy Blume book, "S'up God, Can I Hit U Up for a Few First Downs?" = -2pts
  • Sponsored by: Budweiser, endorsing bestiality. = -2pts
  • Watching Tom Brady complain about anything, much less non-existent pass interference calls. = -3pts
  • Seattle offers up their "Legion of Boom" card by allowing The Cheats to score first. = +3pts
  • Sponsored by: Coca-Cola, demonstrating their understanding of the Internet and humanity by claiming that a little bit of Coca-Cola poured onto your computer can cure #gamergate, ISIS, and Internet Tolls. = +3pts (For reminding us that Coca-Cola knows nothing about people or technology.)
  • Sponsored by: Cars with parachutes. = +4pts
  • Sponsored by: Doritos, providing indisputable evidence that only white douchebags stuck in college still eat Doritos. = +3pts
  • Tom Brady loses control of the football and clumsily tosses it into the ground. Announcers miss one of many chances to bring up Deflategate. = -2pts (For there being NOTHING TO SEE HERE, PEOPLE.)
  • Sponsored by: Nationwide Insurance, the company that can help you turn a child's death into a financial opportunity. = -3pts
  • Free-agent-to-be Marshawn Lynch evens things up and scores a touchdown despite The Cheats attempts to behead Seattle's lineman on successive plays. = +6pts
  • Sponsored by: McDonalds, believing that the key to financial troubles is forcing the people who visit their restaurants to choose between paying for their meal or calling their family members and telling them they love them. Talk about a Sophie's Choice. = +0pts (1 point for every dollar we plan on spending at McDonald's or earning in free food when presented with these two options.)
  • Sponsored by: Brian Cranston = +10pts
  • Sponsored by: Um, since when have black voices become the preferred soundtrack to white suffering and triumph? = -5pts
  • Sponsored by: Dog cops. Slightly less likely to kill poor people than real cops. = +5pts
  • The Cheats and The Godhawks go into halftime tied after two quick scores. The battle between existence and douchery is neck-and-neck at the half. = No points. Just a check-in.
  • Halftime:
    • Katy Perry appears riding the bedazzled corpse of Voltron's cousin. = +2pts
    • Dancing on the world's largest iPad. = +1pt
    • Lenny Kravitz shows up to remind everyone what a great live singing voice sounds like. = +2pts
    • Singing between singing beachballs. = +3pts
    • Singing between singing palm trees. = +1pt
    • Singing between singing sharks = -8pts (Do we even need to mention this? Or this?)
    • We didn't think it was possible to ruin a cover of a song that you wrote and sang first. But it happened. = -2pts (If you like Teenage Dream covers, listen to this one. Not even joking.)
    • Katy Perry performing with Missy Elliot despite no confirmation from anyone that Katy Perry knows who Missy Elliot is. = +2pts
    • Blinging your mike. = +7pts
    • Did Katy just happily shout the N-Word on national TV? = -5pts (Even if she didn't, changing the word and saying the new word is almost more racist. Trust these guys.)
    • Flying across the audience on a footstool while strapped in by a thin line of bedazzled ducktape. = +10pts 
    • Total Halftime Score: +13pts
  • Sponsored by: Always, keeping it 100 about women. = +12pts (For using their airtime to make a commercial that subverted stereotypes rather than pandered to them.)
  • Sponsored by: Angry Neeson. = +2pts
  • Sponsored by: Um, we think Microsoft wants us to know that, for white people, making the most out of life involves (despite lacking legs) skiing, modeling, running, exercising, dancing, providing your kid with the best medical care money can buy. For black people it means letting your kids play on a computer in a bus for a few hours. = -15pts
  • The Godhawks get penalized for celebrating after a touchdown. Given the fact that NBC would not show the celebration, we can only assume that they did the one where you drop your pants and pretend to poop a football. = +4pts
  • Sponsored by: If we get Jublia, just shoot us. = -2pts
  • After three quarters of watching Tom Brady miss open receivers, throw interceptions, and balls weirdly into the ground...not one peep from the announcers about the effect properly inflated balls may or may not have had on his performance. You know, cause he had nothing to do with that and doesn't even notice. = -2pts
  • The Godhawks, feeling comfortable about their lead, spot The Cheats a few injured starters. = +4pts
  • Danny Amendola catches a touchdown. In unrelated news: The over/under line for Amendola injury in Vegas just moved to +52:30. = +2pts
  • Sponsored by: Driving turtles. = -1pt
  • Sponsored by: The Slap, the NBC television show that should have been a single Lifetime movie. = -2pts
  • The Cheats get away with an obvious interference call when the officials "miss" a defensive player clearly diving and swiping the legs of an open wide receiver. Meanwhile, God considers looking up from his cell phone, but not until he's seen the most recent 50 Shades trailer. = -1pt
  • NBC shows the owner of The Cheats in his luxury box. We can't hear what he's saying, but we think it involves trap doors and a hilarious misunderstanding. = +4pts
  • The Cheats take the lead. God decides that he'll get involved as soon as he finishes watching the Series Finale of Better Call Saul. = +6pts
  • Sponsored by: More boobs. = +2pts
  • Sponsored by: Rather than make an original new show, NBC decides to make a show based on The Americans, season 6, four seasons before The Americans can. = -6pts
  • Someone tells Russell Wilson that God is finishing up the final episode of The O'Reilly Factor, so he calls a time out in order to avoid taking a delay of game penalty. = -2pts
  • Annoyed at all of these pray-texts about football, God swipes the ball into Jermaine Kerse's hands as Kearse falls on his ass and returns to reading the final chapter of Game of Thrones: Fire of Flames. = +3
  • Russell Wilson calls up God who, having had enough, calls up a pick play so that Russell can throw an interception so that he can go back to watching what the fuck Thanos does with all those Infinity Gems. = +5pts
  • Sensing the inevitable, The Godhawks change strategy and launch the fourth Crusade against The Cheats and run into the Salah ad-Din that is The Gronk. = -3pts
  • The Gronk of The Cheats puts a nail in this coffin by beating up half of The Godhawk's defensive unit. = +10pts (For finishing what he didn't start.)
Total Score: +50pts

A forgettable first quarter segued into a symbolic ending that felt like a shot across the bow for both The Cheats and the Godhawks. While we assume The Cheats played it straight to win (evidenced by all the interceptions and throws that went straight into the ground or over the receivers heads), even they were unable to triumph over God, who demonstrated his fickle interest in football by givething and takething away from the Godhawks mightily in the final two minutes. Proof that one should never bother the Creator during his motherfucking stories. We hope somewhere High Priest Wilson is taking the news well. It can hurt when God decides in any given moment that he doesn't give a shit. Just ask Jesus. Or Job. Or the Dinosaurs. Or Clay Aiken.

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