Sharknado 2: The Second One

Syfy's Sharknado proved to be last summer's most unexpected success story, bursting forth from the sad, pasty ghetto of shark-based horror aficionados, and devouring the mainstream viewing public like so many cartilaginous, predatory fish caught in a whirlwind. Such was the impact of this motion picture that even the nanobots could not ignore it.

Well, here we are, barely even a year later, and Syfy (Lifetime for nerds) has its bottle open again, hoping to catch that same bolt of lightning for a second time. Ian Ziering (Ian Ziering from Sharknado) returns as the former surfer, turned former bar owner, turned current unemployed guy, turned probable future reality TV star, who is traveling to New York City with his still ex-wife (Tara Reid, also from Sharknado) in order to visit his sister's family. This cozy, domestic affair is interrupted, however, when the Big Apple is rocked by a violent, anomalous storm. We think we know where this is going...

• In a bid to give even less of a shit than the original, Sharknado 2 makes no attempt to explain where all the sharks came from. = +8pts 
• Three minutes in and we see our first shark. Sadly, the usage of D list celebrities hasn’t been so judicious. = -10pts 
• Pilot: “As we descend, expect some turbulence, so fasten your seatbelt.” Because under normal circumstances, the crew would be indifferent to your seatbelt usage during landing. = +4pts 
• Tara Reid loses a hand to sharks; unfortunately, survives to be in the rest of the film.= -12pts 
• Ian Ziering quietly updates his LinkedIn profile to add “pilot.” = +5pts 
• The guy from the Airplane! movies is sucked out of the plane, and the actor with the most credibility checks out of the film. = -4pts 
• Until…. Judah Friedlander! (We consider ourselves nerds.)  = +8pts 
• Movie cliché #1: Devoted mother and sassy teen daughter. = -7pts. 
• "All play, all day, me and you" is exactly what our uncle said to us at the beginning of that weekend that we spent four years of therapy trying to recover. = -11pts 
• Ian Ziering really wants people to know that he and Tara Reid are divorced, which is understandable. = +4pts 
• Ian Ziering to Tara Reid: “If that shark had known you, he would have run the other way.” Sharks and casting agents. ZING. = +3pts 
• “Why did you marry me?” -Tara Reid “Because you had both of your hands.” – Ian Ziering = +8pts 
• “Former MTV VJ Downtown Julie Brown, this project is beneath you.” – a thing we never thought we’d say. = -14pts 
• Everyone in this movie is older and fatter than you remember. = -3pts 
• The only other thing we’d rather watch less than Sharknado is baseball, and this movie is willing to call our bluff. = -8pts 
• Cousin Andy from Curb Your Enthusiasm shows up as a washed up baseball player, as the number of characters in this film officially surpasses that of War and Peace. = -2pts 
• Shark eats the face of a woman; gets tazed. = +6pts 
• In a movie about a shark-filled tornado, Ian Ziering making out with Vivica Fox somehow feels like the most unrealistic thing. = -10pts 
• If the filmmakers had put some of the movie's budget for stunt-casting into sound mixing, we might be able to make sense of some of this dialogue. = -11pts 
• A New York sanitation worker eaten by a sewer gator, eaten by a shark. = +3pts 
• A clean, well-lit New York City subway car full of sane people. = -9pts (for plausibility) 
• Hoping that Judah Friedlander comes back as a shark zombie. = +15pts 
• Because Subway references only work in Community #sixseasonsandamovie. = -6pts 
• If only he hadn’t been so concerned with material possessions, perhaps the businessman wouldn’t have been struck down by the disembodied head of the Statue of Liberty as he went back for his brief case. = +8pts (For teaching us an important lesson in prioritization). 
• Al Roker argues with Today Show co-host about shark weather-related naming conventions. = +20pts 
• Solid advice from Al Roker on dealing with Sharknados: “Avoid them.” = +4pts 
• Hunting for weapons in Time Square. In 1980 = +13pts; In 2014 = -13pts (A wash) 
• Upon navigating from the hood of a submerged cab to safety by jumping across the backs of a bunch of sharks, Ian Ziering 's estranged best friend informs him that he has just "jumped the shark." Leave the hilarious meta-commentary to the professionals, guys. = -6pts 
• Movie cliché #2: “Are you sure this is going to work?” Once we hear “The science checks out,” our night will be complete. = +9pts 
• Al Roker: “We could be talking about unprecedented devastation in the heart of New York City.” Um, Al, hate to go there, but… 9/11? = -11pts 
• Weather prediction: Two inches of sharks per hour. = +5pts 
• Vivica Fox: "If we had been married, I'd never have let you screw that up." That sounds like more of a threat than a declaration of love to us. = -4pts 
• Here's an idea, what about putting the bombs together INSIDE of the building, rather than on a shark- and wind-battered rooftop? = -7pts 
• Tara Reid coins a new word: "Ialmostlostyouonceandimnotgoingtodoitagain." = +6pts 
• Inspiring pre-climactic scene speech. Not quite Bill Pullman in Independence Day, but it works. = +18pts 
• Slo-mo shark bisection = +20pts 
• There's a plan to electrify the lightning rod to ignite a bomb made of freon which will freeze out the tornadoes and blah, blah, blah science. We think this all adds up. = +3pts 
• Tara Reid with a circular saw for a hand: For those movies where Bruce Campbell just isn't in the budget. = +6pts 
• Vivica Fox sacrifices her life to insure that the cables she rigged to the building's lightning rod stay connected, which is fine, considering that, since she can't be with Ian Ziering, her life is pretty much meaningless anyway. = -27pts 
• Ian Ziering fishes a severed arm clutching a gun out of a dead shark's mouth, uses it to shoot a flock of incoming sharks, and then strips the diamond ring off of it to propose to Tara Reid for a second time. Who says Romance is dead? = +16pts 
• If Crispin Glover isn’t in Sharknado 3, what’s this all been for? = +??? (It really all depends on whether Crispin Glover is in Sharknado 3) 

Total Score = +17pts
Available On: The Syfy Channel

Turns out the Sharknado movies are an homage to Moby Dick, answering the age-old question as to whether nature is indifferent (spoiler: it’s pretty vengeful). Despite the bigger budget and an extensive cast of people whose plastic surgeries have not improved with age, Sharknado 2 is not able to top the madcap insanity of its predecessor. The original Sharknado was a unique and beautiful snowflake that managed to swallow a mostly forgotten '90s actor, only to have him chainsaw his way out of its belly. How the hell do you reproduce something like that?

Score Technicians: Amanda Hemmerling and Joe Hemmerling

The Dungeonmaster (Ragewar)

There’s this computer genius, right? And his name is Paul, and he has built this computer called XCALBR8 that he’s kind of in love with, and his girlfriend’s all like, “Oh no you don’t!” And he’s all like, “But, but, baby…” And then they’re like, let’s go to bed angry and sleep on it, but before they wake up, an evil wizard played by that bully guy from Night Court zaps them away and they’re all like WTF? And the wizard’s like, Paul, you’ve got seven chances to rescue your girlfriend, but I bet you won’t, because I’m totally going to prove that I can kill you. And then there are all these guys with knives, and lasers, and Kapew! Pow! Bizzzorp! Zap Zap! And a bunch of stuff like that happens. So we scored it, and it goes like this:

• Written by “Allen Actor.” Yes, and this scorecard was written by…Kevin…Keyboard…er. = - 2pts 
• It took seven directors to make this. = -7pts 
• Standing extra close to a co-worker while wearing hot pants. = -12pts 
• Did the opening sequence rip off the opening jogging sequence of Dr. Detroit? Let’s say it did. = +12pts 
• Inventing a Google Glass prototype in 1984 that’s even more obnoxious than Google Glass. = -17pts 
• Paul’s dinner-time pant suit outfit. = +12pts 
• Paul, randomly transported to an evil, ancient wizard’s netherworld playground, doesn’t crap pant suit. = +24pts 
• Mestema. = +20pts
• “By the power of the Prince of Darkness! I dub thee: Excalibrate. Rise, Excalibrate.” = +23pts
• At some point, Paul programmed his computer to register the presence of Beelzebub. = +6pts 
• Mestema is bored by Paul’s explanation of computer science. =+5pts 
• Lasers! Everything shot lasers in the ‘80s. Paul’s computer wrist band? It shoots lasers, if he wants to make it do so. Which he does, a lot. You could make anything shoot lasers in the ‘80s. Remember that limited edition Swatch that shot lasers? And when New Coke was a failure because it shot too many lasers? Or when Reagan shot lasers out of his eyes and blew up the Berlin Wall? = +12pts 
• Now Paul’s wristband can create a cartoon fighting dragon? Seriously, what did the people making this movie think computers were? = -7pts 
• Paul literally disintegrates homicidal ‘80s metal band W.A.S.P. = +20pts 
• Imagine the context of this line before seeing the movie: “My God, that’s Einstein! And there’s Bloody Mary! What a weird combo.” Now try to figure it out after having seen the movie. = +13pts 
• “My Legs are frozen. I can’t move my feet.” Also, I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up! = +3pts 
• Hmm, there must be a solution to this near-fatal challenge…I think...it might…possibly…be…LASERS! = +9pts 
• …and the villains always try to kill with knives. Leave it to an occult wizard to bring a knife to a laser fight. = -6pts 
• Paul demonstrates how IT people can have trouble with verbal communication: Mestema: Say the word and it ends! Paul: The word is forget it! = -12pts 
• The sound of Richard Mull screaming. = +7pts 
• Gwen suddenly forgets she’s trapped by an evil wizard and goes to dance auditions. = -3pts 
• Cops – unclear on the concept of Gumby. = +3pts 
• Seriously, can anyone tell us what is happening in this sequence ? Paul chucks rocks and lasers until he kills a cave-dwelling, exploding crystal poo-throwing gargoyle who turns out to be an angel who thanks him for killing her, which inspires Mestema to start a monologue about torturing cats? Is that the general gist of what’s going on here? = -17pts
• Having the chutzpah to slap a bunch of painted plywood on a couple of pick-up trucks and rip off The Road Warrior. = +12pts 
• Surely this head on collision was preventable. = -3pts 
• Paul programmed a computer to analyze his heart rate, shoot lasers, conjure dragons, and predict crime, but his master plan is to challenge Mestema to a fist fight. = -5pts 
• Paul is about to get crushed, but his computer is like “uh uh!” and saves him, all on its own, with a laser beam that turns all solid and props up a wall that’s crashing down, and Paul’s all like “Thanks, Cal” (‘cause that’s what he calls his computer) and then Paul and Gwen kiss and some mushy stuff and they’re transported back to their home and Paul gets his old pant suit back, and everyone’s happy. = +27pts

Total Score: +119 pts
Available on: YouTube

The Dungeonmaster is kind of awesome. Awesome enough to merit preservation as an early ‘80s artifact, at least. The filmmakers crammed in as many popular themes of the era that might appeal to adolescent boys as they could: Sexy-time aerobics, Stop motion-animation a la Clash of the Titans, Time Bandits-style little people, Dark Crystal-style puppetry, totally rad heavy metal music, lasers (did we mention the lasers?), Mad Max-style dystopia, wizardry, and a real screwball conception of what personal computing could or even should accomplish, which wasn’t so far-fetched actually, considering the variety of things we use computers for today. Maybe we can’t shoot deadly lasers at people yet, but it’s probably legal to super glue an assault rifle to your smart phone and call it a self-defense app.

Score Technician: Alex Pearlstein

True Blood Season 7, Episode 5

After last week's True Blood wrapped up the major plot point of the season, what's left for Sookie and the gang? A party, that's what! Let the nanobots guide you through the labyrinth of dreck that was last Sunday's episode!

• When Eric refuses Ginger's advances because he's diseased, it's unclear if Ginger's response that she’s “diseased” too meant her mind, body, or both. = -3pts
• Sookie wakes up to find that Lafayette, the Hippie Vampire, and the T-1000 are throwing her a “motherfucking celebration of life” to help her get over her boyfriend's death. = +4pts
• Did we mention that the entire town is invited? = -8pts
• Sarah Newlin's vampire sister enjoys wearing tube tops that show off her VampAIDS track marks, watching home makeover shows, and plotting sororicide. = +5pts
• Slipping Benadryl into a holy man's spaghetti so that you can get high unopposed. = -7pts
• Bill has a flashback about being a Yankee sympathizer in hopes that the audience will forget that the whole Bilith thing ever happened. = -4pts (We'll never forget!)
• Sounding genuinely excited about there being two kinds of chicken at the party. =+3pts
• Getting shot in the head by a hillbilly is only considered a hero's death if you were naked at the time. = +4pts
• Not content to suck blood alone, Violet sucks all romance out of Gran's wedding ring. = -2pts
• Andy's proposal to Holly is as bumbling and endearing as Andy himself. = +10pts
• The T-1000 eavesdrops on Sookie and Arlene's girl talk for reasons unrevealed in this episode. He was probably just lonely and sad because his son died a hero's death. = -2pts
• Arlene announces to the vampire who saved her life that she has to tinkle because she's a human. After seven seasons, Arlene finally says something entertaining.= +4pts
• Jessica, upon finding her Hippie Vampire boyfriend making backseat manlove to Lafayette, shouts, “You incredible asshole!” Lafayette was thinking the very same thing. = +4pts
• The nanobots have yet to determine what is sassier – Lafayette defending his decision to cheat with Hippie Vampire or that he did so wearing feather earrings and solid gold sneakers. = +7pts
• After basking in the mental kudos from the random people at her party, Sookie drunkenly interrupts Bill's daydream about the time he helped slaves escape through the Underground Railroad. = -4pts for Sookie's ego and -5pts for Bill's. Total = -9pts
• After Lettie May stabs Willa with a butcher knife to get a fix of that sweet, sweet vampire blood, Sam's pregnant girlfriend (you know, Michelle Tanner's friend from Full House )    hangs a lampshade on how insane this episode is and then leaves the room. = -7pts
• In case you forgot that Eric and Pam pursued Sarah to Texas, Eric sports a cowboy hat and bolo tie to the Ted Cruz gala in the George W. Bush library. = -10pts
• Sarah Newlin's failed attempts to summon Laura Bush to protect her from the Yakuza (or as she calls them, Yookoozah). = -4pts
• “I'm not a monster – I'm a Buddhist!” = -8pts
• Despite being the sex-type-thing for a badass medieval Catholic vampire, Jason still has loud rebound sex with Jessica. Is it possible for the man to take a compliment from a woman without popping a boner? = -6pts
• The Yookoozah start murdering everyone like they were about to reload their GTA5 save file. = -4pts
• Rather than spend the one second it would have taken to snap Sarah's neck, Eric casts her aside to enact revenge against the Yookoozah. = -4pts
• But he rips out the head Yakuza guy's entire mouth.= +8pts
• Bill's final pointless flashback gives him VampAIDS. Is this show done yet? = -10pts

Total Score = -39pts
Season Score = -99pts

Yep... that happened. Sookie is forced to host a party for the entire town because people are dead and parties make people forget about that. What a completely normal thing to do! On top of the pointless party where relationships are forged, broken, and then reforged, we're forced to watch not one but three flashbacks about how great Bill was back when he was a person so that you'll feel bad for him when he for some reason contracts vampire zombie AIDS. We'd have more to say, but reading the nanobots notes is just putting us to sleep.

Score Technician: TJ Geise

UHF

It's been a big summer for Alfred "Weird Al" Yankovic. The pre-eminent musical comedian and pop culture parodist is hotter than ever following his audacious eight-day long music video premier in celebration of Mandatory Fun. In order to capitalize on his social media buzz honor one of the greatest comedic voices of our time, we at the Progressive Cinema Scorecard turn our attention to his '80s cult comedy classic, UHF.

• Weird Al’s George is a whimsical daydreamer who gets fired from one dead-end job after another because his employers don’t recognize his genius and creativity. Basically he’s the template for every Gen Y male in America. = -11pts 
• Big Edna actually seems pretty justified in tossing George out. = +4pts 
• So, George and his friend Bob are “roommates?” Is this a Bert and Ernie situation? = +6pts 

• Weird Al in a Hawaiian shirt. = +13pts 
• George's love interest played by Victoria Jackson, back when she was better known for sketch comedy than for paranoid, typo-ridden screeds about Obama's plan to force suburbanites into cities. = +4pts 
• Ever the forward thinker, Weird Al foresaw that in the 21st century, the primary means by which individuals would gain ownership over terrestrial broadcasting stations would be through winning them in a poker game. = +10pts 
• Engineer Philo testing his interocitor a sly reference to This Island Earth. = +12pts 
• Head of rival, network-affiliated station R.J. Fletcher played by Kevin McCarthy, better known for this. = +18pts 
• Loveable janitor Stanley Spadowski played by Pre-Seinfeld Michael Richards. = +22pts 
• Also, pre-racist tirade Michael Richards = -22pts (A wash) 
• Somewhere out there, a grad student is writing his dissertation on the allegorical significance of “the mop” in us all. = +7pts 
• Did no one tell David Proval UHF was a comedy? He's basically playing Richie Aprile in this movie, and it's terrifying. = +3pts 
• The Spatula City ad. = +30pts

• '80s fashion alert: The 0:24 mark of the video above. The lady in mint green. = +13pts 
• Ironically, the music video dream sequence reimagining the theme from The Beverly Hillbillies as an 80s rock song is probably the least amusing thing about the whole movie. = -12pts 
• George's Channel 62 achieves massive ratings by putting the mentally ill on TV, a business model later copied by Fox news. = +8pts 
• Channel 62 has a surprisingly diverse lineup. = +10pts 
• ...Of racial stereotypes. = -14pts 
• It's okay, Weaver, we probably would have picked the box, too. = +6pts 
• For making us all a little more eager to learn the Dewey Decimal System. = +21pts 
• Still waiting for Ghandi II to be greenlit. = +17pts 
• These technicians' toy poodle expressed serious disapproval over Raul's Wild Kingdom. = 0pts (Because we don't give a shit about his opinion.) 
• Stanley Spadowski is apparently being held hostage in the warehouse where Channel 8 stores all of its empty boxes. = +3pts 
• Richie Aprile meets a slightly kinder fate in UHF when Stanley only shoots him with a staple gun (spoiler?). = +7pts 
• The you’re-secretly-being-recorded-saying-something-dickish-and-it-bites-you-in-the-ass bit is born. See also: Eastbound and Down Season Four, Batman Returns, Mel Gibson post-2009 = +2pts 
• “How did he get so ripped for the Rambo scene?” – actual IMDB comment. = +16pts 

• At the closing of the telethon, how did Big Louie know where to find Uncle Harvey? He truly is a man you do not want to mess with. = +5pts 
• We’re really happy that the homeless guy was able to save the station, but maybe he should have spent his money more wisely than a Rolex and television stock. = +9pts 

Total Score = +187pts
Available on: GET THE 2002 DVD! THE EXTRAS ARE AMAZING!

While there are certainly aspects of UHF that haven't aged so gracefully (*cough cough Kuni cough*), UHF still maintains much of the slapdash charm that made us fall in love with it as kids. Even in an era where YouTube pipes hot and cold running parody straight into our homes for free, Weird Al has maintained his peculiar staying power. For several generations and counting, Weird Al has been America's wacky uncle, taking the ephemera of the present age and turning it into a timeless artifact of absurdity. He is not bound by any time or place. Like Channel 62, Weird Al belongs to all of us.

Score Technicians: Joe Hemmerling and Amanda Hemmerling

True Blood Season 7, Episode 4

And the great True Blood experiment of ’14 continues. To review the rules go here. Let’s see what’s been going on with this show that I’m barely acquainted with.

• Apparently “Alcide” is pronounced like “El Cid.” For reminding us of a sweet Charlton Heston movie. = +6pts 
• “He loved the fuck out of you, Sookie.” = +3pts 
• This Eric guy doesn’t tell his airline stewardess/human juicebox that he has vamp AIDS until after he’s done drinking off of her. Not cool, man. = -4pts 
• Two vampires getting sentenced to run a video store in small town Louisiana sounds like the premise of a failed NBC sitcom. = +8pts 
• Holy cow, they STILL haven’t found the people in the basement of the industrial bar? What’s everyone been doing for the past two episodes? = -6pts 
• The True Blood gang stages an intervention for Ginger Porch Vamp’s eating disorder. Pretty sure I saw this afterschool special already. = -3pts 
• The angry sheriff demonstrates that he is willing to shoot Mayor Weredog in the face in order to keep him safe. = +2pts 
• “I don’t give a fuck about any of this shit.” – Rogue, stating what the rest of the audience was probably thinking. = +5pts 
• Flashback Eric is able to send a woman into spontaneous orgasm just by entering the room. = +3pts 
• Lots of very serious conversations are happening between Rogue and other characters. This would probably mean something to me if I knew anything about this show. = -9pts 
• Just because I now know that Mayor Weredog can turn into other animals doesn’t mean I’m going to give him a new name (or learn his real one). = -3pts 
• Lots of vampires going blart. = +12pts

Total Score = +13pts
Season Score = -60pts

Well, those folks held hostage in the basement of the goth bar have been rescued, which, near as I can tell, was the entire plot of this season. Not really sure what they’re going to do with the remaining 6 episodes or so. You can bet that the PCS will be there to tell you all about it, though.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

Robocop (2014)

It’s a well-documented historical fact that the last new idea Hollywood had came and went in 1999 with The Matrix. From then on and forevermore, we shall never see another film that’s not a reboot, sequel, or adaptation of a comic book/TV show/theme park ride/board game/feminine hygiene product (HA! Just kidding about the last one; Hollywood doesn't make movies about women).

Into this world comes Robocop, a reboot of Paul Verhoven’s classic cyberpunk action satire of the same name, in which police officer Alex Murphy is killed in the line of duty and remade as a cyborg cop. You know the story. You probably love the story. Just find something to bite down on and follow us. We’ll get through this together.

• So far, the most unrealistic thing about this film is the idea that future Fox News would hire a black host. = +7pts (For giving us a surprisingly utopian vision of your future dystopia). 
• Robots keep Middle Eastern countries safe with airport pervo-scan technology. = +3pts 
• Suicide bomber jumps from the top of a house onto the head of an ED-209. = +10pts 
• The role of Lewis, portrayed by Nancy Allen in the original, has been given to a man. = -15pts 
• …But at least it’s a black man. = +15pts 
• …Who happens to be Omar Little. = +10pts 
• So, just to make sure we have this straight: The foundation of political opposition to using robots to conduct domestic law enforcement is that the machines don’t have feelings? ‘Cause we’d be a little more concerned about the potential to devolve into a police state once we start using military technology to govern our cities. = -18pts 
• In the future, your smartphones and tablets will be see-through. That way everyone on the train can know what kind of porn you’re watching during your morning commute. = -4pts 
• Implied future coitus with wife makes us think Murphy probably had a big boner when that car bomb went off. = +7pts 
• Robocop is basically a viral marketing campaign designed to sway public opinion on the implementation of a robot police force. = +15pts 
• Michael Keaton, on seeing the Robocop prototype for the first time: “Nice fuckin’ model! [Grabs crotch]” = +3pts (Not really, but wouldn’t that have been awesome?) 
• The technicians left Robocop with a human hand, presumably for digitally penetrating his wife. Considerate. = +5pts 
• Upon waking up, Robocop freaks out and bolts. Gary Oldman’s orders are to “Let him go.” Because there can be no adverse consequences to letting an unstable death machine rampage unchecked through a civilian facility. = -9pts 
• Jackie earl Haley, on Robocop’s performance in a simulation vs. an unmanned unit: “I wouldn’t buy that for a dollar.” = -4pts (Sad Trombone) 
• To override Robocop’s natural human tendencies to hesitate, Gary Oldman sets his programing to take over in combat situations, leaving Murphy with the illusion that he’s in control of the machine. = +13pts 
• While uploading Detroit’s crime database into Robocop’s system, Robocop has an emotional overload that causes his system to crash, moments before his big public unveiling. Are you thinking what we’re thinking? That’s right, we have a Weekend at Bernies situation here! = +25pts 
• Wait, never mind, they just rebalance his brain chemistry to turn off his emotions. = -30pts 
• We never noticed before, but Robocop has a tight little robo-butt. = +11pts 
• While attempting to solve his own murder, Robocop roughs up a thug for information on where to find the arms dealer responsible for Murphy’s assassination. The only problem is that harassment and police brutality are kind of difficult to get away with when you are literally walking around with a camera in your head that broadcasts and records everything that you do. = -14pts 
• And not that the original film was meticulous in depicting police procedure, but Robocop has no warrant or probable cause to search this warehouse where the climactic shootout is taking place. = -6pts 
• Robocop discovers two cops’ fingerprints on illegal weapons discovered at the arms warehouse, which leads to the arrest of his superior officer, who was under the arms dealer’s payroll. Robocop is credited with “solving his own murder”… except for the fact that there’s still no evidence linking the cops or the arms dealer that he killed to the bomb placed under Alex Murphy’s car. = -8pts 
• Also, this exchange: “So, what is this? Good cop/bad cop?” “Bad cop/Robocop.” = -10pts 
• Having served his purpose and swayed the American people in favor of robot law enforcement, Michael Keaton gives the order to decommission Robocop. Maybe he’ll get buried with a gold watch? = +3pts 
• Apparently, ED-209s are programmed to fire indiscriminately when an enemy lands on their head. = -2pts 
• Robocop’s programming prevents him from taking out Michael Keaton but he overcomes it through the triumph of the human spirit or some stupid shit. = -18pts 
• Samuel L. Jackson drops a “motherfucker.” = +4pts (Even censored, it’s a positive.) 
• The Clash’s “I Fought the Law” during the closing credits. = +7pts

Total Score = 0pts
Available on: DVD, probably TBS in the near future

Well, that was definitely a movie. Rebootcop actually made an effort to tie the classic mythology in with contemporary issues: the United States’ role in global affairs, anxieties over drone technology, yellow journalism in the age of Rupert Murdoch. Unfortunately, these efforts don’t amount to much at the end of the day, and none of the other basic architecture of a quality film is present—the characters are mostly bland, the plotting aimless, the dialogue hackneyed. There’s something oddly perfunctory about the final product, as though it were every bit as mass produced as Omnicorp’s drone soldier army.

Score technician: Joe Hemmerling

True Blood Season 7, Episode 3

In an episode titled "Fire in the Hole," you wouldn't have been the only person who initially thought that this would be an episode about Jason Stackhouse's fetid junk. Unfortunately, it's just another week of taking out the trash in Bon Temps.

• Getting called out by your yoga instructor for looking at a woman's butt during downward dog. = -4pts
• "My penis got burned off in the Swiss Alps and all I got was this case of vamp AIDS." -2pts
• Hating the Russians before Rocky told us it was cool. = +4pts
• Eric wearing a terrible 80's wig...or Mel Gibson's scalp from Lethal Weapon. = 0pts (Till we can confirm...)
• Not bothering to fake drive your fake car during a fake driving scene. = -2pts
• Vamp gossip queen. = +2pts
• Iron-forged cock. = +8pts
• Saying you "love" Alcide when he's not around to glamour you with his shirtless body. -2pts (For straining credulity.)
• Maxine Fortenberry meets the true death. = +10pts (Finally.)
• Six Flags is closed?! (Technician rushes to PC to verify.) = -6pts (For LYING!!)
• Nothing like a flashback to Bill's civil war life to remind us how boring his life was. = -1pts
• Old-timey-Fortenberry is a much better shot than old-saggy-Fortenberry. = +2pts
• Leave it to Sookie to risk everyone's lives by taking some time to make the vampAIDpocalypse all about her. = -3pts
• You can tell how interested a vamp is in your story by how long they pretend to feed on you in an effort to illustrate how little they care. = -1pts
• Lafayette death fake-out. -10pts (Never do that again!)
• Now that Hoyt's mother is dead, it's good to see Sarah Newlin hate is still good enough to get Eric to check-out of chez mope. +3pts
• Creating a stereotypical Indian guru that can go toe-to-toe with Mike Myers' Love Guru. = -5pts
• Killing Alcide, the greatest mercy-dog-killing since Old Yeller. = +6pts
• Dying, but falling strategically to cover your man-bits. = -6pts
• Shooting a gun blindly into the trees. = -2pts
• Doing so if you are a vampire. = -4pts

Total Score = -13pts

Season Score = -73pts

Three episodes of everyone running around with their head's cut off, all because Sookie threw a tantrum and threw her phone into the woods. It's amazing that an episode featuring the deaths of two of the most superficial characters on the show could feel so uneventful. But what can we say? It's True Blood! 

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

True Blood Season 7, Episode 2

The nanobots are hot to prove that last week's lukewarm True Blood premier isn't indicative of the season as a whole. We technicians can practically hear their tiny, mechanical whirs saying, “There's still time for it to be good again!” Though it may just be our own wishful delusions, there's only one way to find out!

• Jason's tense and passionate sex dream about Eric is four-and-a-half minutes of red hot fan-service. = +10pts
• Waking up in church with a boner. = +3pts (We've all been there!)
• Andy has more important things to worry about than the fact that Sookie didn't report her finding of a dead body in the woods to the authorities, like making sure that his fairy princess daughter isn't torn apart by the undead. = +2pts
• Giving an AIDS zombie vampire a saucy English accent in a piss-poor attempt at giving their murder mob a much undesired personality. = -5pts
• Further fleshing out the AIDS zombie vampire murder mob personality by having one of its ranks be the school teacher that made up for Arlene and Holly's shite parenting. = -8pts
• Rather than be led by their supernatural senses of smell, a werewolf and a shapeshifter need a fairy to show them where a dead body is in the woods. = -7pts
• Lafayette proves to still be the rose blooming amidst the blasted landscape that this show has become by not having time for Tara's mom's self-centered bullshit. = +6pts
• The asshole who isn't mayor continues to lick the spoon after stirring the shit-pot that is Bon Temps' angry mob. = -10pts
• It's a good thing that the Fangtasia basement/blood-larder suddenly received an influx of nameless characters, otherwise Arlene and Holly would have used Jane Boathouse as leverage to get their schoolteacher vampire zombie friend to grant them their freedom. = -8pts (Editor's note: It's Jane Bodehouse.) (Technician's note: Boathouse sounds better, so deal with it.)
• Lacking people but flush with end of days graffiti, St. Alice seems like Silent Hill, Junior. = +4pts
• Using soul sister stand-up-to-the-Man bonding as a means to chip away at the rationale of a police officer and recruit her to your frothing mob. = -10pts
• When humanity is being threatened by AIDS zombie vampires, there's no better way to prepare than by needlessly wasting ammo. = -6pts
• Pizza forensics. = +8pts
• As if to further complete the Silent Hill vibe, Sookie obtains quest information by reading aloud from a dead lady's diary. = +3pts
• We get it, ridiculously long flash back – Sookie used to be hot and soppy for Vampire Bill. Who cares. When is Alcide going to take his damned shirt off already? = -7pts
• Freddy Kruegering your hand in chicken grease as a means to get high on vampire blood. = -5pts
• Tara's mom getting knocked across the room, regardless of context. = +4pts
• The nanobots are picking up subtle hints of symbolism from a tongues-speaking Tara nailed to a cross with a snake draped over her shoulders. = -13pts
• Just as the school teacher vampire gains the strength needed to set free her only means of sustenance, she blarts into vampire butter all over Arlene's inner thighs. = -6pts (it's not as hot as it sounds)
• Alcide earns 20 compassionate boyfriend points and rewards himself with a steamy shower. Meanwhile, Sookie skips out to ask Bill if his vampire sense will still tingle should she be about to catch the wrong end of a murdering. = +12pts
• Eric's first non-dream appearance and he's already showing off his hot pecs. = +5pts
• Too bad his hot pecs are covered in vampire zombie AIDS. What you hear now is the sound of True Blood putting a shotgun into its mouth and readying the trigger. = -25pts

Total Score = -77pts
Season Score = -60pts

Though the second episode of the season has the hot man-on-man fight-sex we've all been waiting for, it didn't make up for the glut of pointless character development and time spent without Alcide's shirt off. With Eric's fate sealed, there's no hope for the show ending gracefully. Only eight more episodes to go before this crazy train runs off the rails for good. Stick with us for the ride, scorehards!

Score Technician: TJ Geise