The Fog

Rumor has it that, in the late 70's/early 80's, John Carpenter made good movies. In an effort to test this theory, The Progressive Cinema Scorecard looked through his back catalog and discovered this "gem" on Netflix. (Gem: Defined as a stone that has been buried for a reason) What is The Fog, you ask? Who knows! But if the movie poster tells us anything, it's that swords matter. So do your patriotic duty and print up your Scorecard, and help us determine who would win in a fight, old John Carpenter or new John Carpenter.

• For thinking a movie based on scary fog would be a good idea. = -13pts.
• For being directed by John Carpenter. (Back when "directed by John Carpenter" actually meant something other than eliciting a feeling of bemused, nostalgic disappointment) = +37pts
• For casting Alfred Hitchcock and dressing him like the sailor guy from The Simpsons. = +18pts
• Wait, that's not Alfred Hitchcock that's (a drunk) John Houseman talking to what looks like a couple of Native American kids. = -21pts
• For reminding us who John Houseman was and how many movies he was in that we forgot about. = +6pts
• Wait, those are white kids from the 70's, not Native Americans? Where are their parents? = A wash.
• A drunk priest! Played by Hal Holbrook! Before he married a Designing Woman! = +3pts
• Ringing pay phones as a device of terror. = -3pts
• Holy shit! Lights turned on! = -5pts
• We thought the title of this movie was The Fog, not Maximum Overdrive. = -5pts
• De-li-laaaaaah. = +3pts
• Casting the dude who played the dad of that chick who killed herself at the beginning of the first Lethal Weapon. = +7pts
• Jaime Lee Curtis! (Weird, she looks both really young and really old for her age.) = +11pts
• Operating a radio show in a lighthouse? Best job ever! = +3pts
• A fucking Pirate Ship? = -5pts
• Man, those pirates sure are meaner than the ones from the Caribbean. = +7pts
• Ah, the '70s... Back when you could pick up a strange woman on the side of the road around midnight, have some crazy nothing blow out your rear windshield, and be back at your place boning within the hour. We miss you '70s! Call us! = +9pts
• Shame on you John Carpenter. I know you like to score your own movies, but recycling the Halloween music only in a different key and played backwards? That's weak sauce, even for you. = -15pts
• The set for the Antonio Bay celebration. = -8pts (Toddler B-day parties have better set-ups.)
• Janet Leigh! Film geeks from the '70s must have shot their wads. = +5pts
• Do women even use curling irons any more? = +2pts
• Hal Holbrook reading a book...badly. Terrifying! = -8pts
• Polite ghost leper pirates?! Why not! = +12pts
• If another character stops the movie to tell a personal anecdote, we're going to...do something that will require us to tell you all about it at an inoppoutune time and place. = -7pts
• That leaking plank of wood scene and the creepy voice. First legitimately scary thing all movie. = +10pts
• (Potential scoring opportunity. If Andy dies?  Limitless. If he lives? Missed opportunity.)
• Presumably dead body(s) moving underneath a white sheets.= +8pts
• Horror movie writing 101. Having a character begin any explanation with the phrase, "This is going to sound a little strange..." (Horror set-up: Check. Exposition: Check)= +3pts
• Killing Andy's babsitter, thus inching us one person closer to killing Andy. = +5pts.
• Andy lives. = -12pts
• Delilah whining about Andy over the radio for what seems like HOURS. = -5pts
• Calling yourself a horror movie when nobody of real import dies. = -29pts

Total Score = +13pts.
Available On: Netflix, DVD, The bottom of the video drawer in the Mendocino Dinner Theater Players tour bus (currently touring throughout the Pacific Northwest in a traveling production of The Pirates of Penzance).

Pretty close to a goose egg here. Not one of John Carpenter's finest movies. Kind of boring and a bit ridiculous (and not in a good way). In fact, had this film not "allegedly" been directed by John Carpenter it may have been Paranormal Activity bad. Instead, it was only Monkey Shines bad. Still, the scorecard makes all things bearable.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

Convoy

Based on the song by C.W. McCall, Convoy, one of Samuel Peckinpah’s last films, is the story of a trucker named Rubber Duck, played by Kris Kristofferson, and his escape from a sheriff named Dirty Lyle, who has apparently suffered a psychotic break and has decided to destroy all truckers, starting with the Duck.

• Having the balls to base an entire movie on the song “Convoy.” = +10pts. 
• Before looking her up on IMDB, we could have sworn that Ali McGraw was dead. Probably because of [SPOILER!] Love Story, or because of her epic pre-skin cancer awareness suntan. = -13pts. 
• Breaker, breaker, this is the Rubber Duck. I got a bear report on a hightail and I’m running front door on a rocking chair sasquatch…aw…hell…. I’m just stringing words together. I don’t know what I’m talking about. = -7pts. 
• Slang that most people now associate with an entirely different subculture than truckers, such as, “That’s some fun lovin’ bear you got there!” = +25pts. 
• We want a CB radio just so we can order food at oncoming truck stops. = +6pts. 
• “He bounces like a Kwanzai beaver.” We have no idea what this line means (we’re afraid to type the word beaver into Google search on a shared computer), but it’s fantastic. = +17pts. 
• Someone turn off the honkey tonk piano music – it’s causing a brawl! = +7pts. 
• We got ourselves a convoy! = +50pts. 
• Kris Kristofferson forgot to take off his shirt for a full 20 minutes. = -20pts. 
• Smoothest intro to a character ever: “My name is Bob Buckman sir, and I hate truckers.” = +12pts. 
• This part of Arizona looks nothing like southern California. = -10pts. 
• “Here's the plan: When we get to the pass, we're gonna put on our fish costumes, pass out the Vaseline an' an extra ration o' rum for the men.” This might be the weirdest line we’ve ever heard. = +27pts. 
• Disturbing to watch Peckinpah’s slo mo violence style applied to attempted vehicular homicide with a comic soundtrack. = -7pts. 
• Letting a trucker named Big Nasty join your convoy by “slipping in the backdoor.” = -17pts. 
• “Hand me a t-shirt, would ya?” No, Kris Kristofferson, the t-shirt represents your loss of power! Noooooooo! = -10pts. 
• Kris Kristofferson has been driving a truckload of nitro the whole time? That’s…well, it’s just irresponsible. = -25pts. 
• Kris Kristofferson watches you sleep. =-13pts. 
• “I’d like to have a moment alone with the Duck.”=+10pts. 
• 1978: A man steals a truckload of nitro from God knows where, and he’s a populist hero. 2013: A man steals a truckload of nitro, and he’s…not a populist hero. = -23pts. 
• Destroying the center of a small town to save one man. = -17pts. 
• To Mexico, the historically free society where no one will give a damn about you and your rogue truck of nitro! = -15pts. 
• Peckinpah’s usual climactic gory splatters of blood replaced by horrific splatter of melted ice cream. = +25pts.

Total Score: +12 pts.
Available on: Netflix streaming, Amazon streaming

Convoy has heart. It’s an over-simplified, childish fantasy of a heart, but it’s there. Ernest Borgnine is enjoyably villainous as the crazy sheriff who comes right out and declares that he represents The Law. Why does The Law have to hassle truckers all the time? We don’t know. We just know that The Law is a bad, bad, psychotic thing, and giving The Law a run for its money by smashing things with trucks and your blue-collar buddies makes for good times, laughter, and friendships that last a lifetime.

Score Technician: Alex Pearlstein

Fame

Directed by Alan Parker, Fame is based on the real-life Fiorello H. LaGuardia High School of Music & Art and Performing Arts in Manhattan. When it debuted in 1980, Roger Ebert called it “a genuine treasure.” But in a world where Glee and the High School Musical franchise now have a lock on the teenager who dreams of becoming a star, how does Fame score?

• An Asian kid playing the violin. Boy, they just break out the stereotypes right away, don’t they? = -10pts
• The pushy Jewish mother who insists on sitting in on her daughter’s audition, pretty much ruining it. = +7pts (+20pts for realism, -13pts for embracing the cliché.) 
• Making us all feel better about our shortcomings by sending in Sheila, who auditions not by acting out a scene from a play but by describing a scene from a movie. = +9pts
• All the dance teachers are getting turned on by a 14 year old’s sexy dancing. Gross. = -11pts
• Kids scared of hookers and the subway. Did they all just move to New York City? = -5pts
• Of course it’s the English teacher who has to be the bitchy one. = -8pts
• Teachers telling their students they’ll probably never amount to anything even if they work hard. = +15pts (For realism) 
• Wait a minute. Is that Sheila? The girl who described a scene from The Towering Inferno for her audition? SHE GOT IN? = -27pts
• Impromptu song and dance in the cafeteria. Everyone just happens to be wearing costumes and dance shoes and have their instruments with them. And everyone just happens to know the song, which happens to be about the cafeteria’s lunch lady. This is what we want to believe happens in a performing arts high school. = +32 pts
• Boldly including a song with the lyrics, “if it’s yellow, then it’s Jell-O; if it’s blue, it could be stew…ooh ooh.” = +5pts
• “Tits book bands” may be true, but Coco, you’re a freshman. = -3pts
• Doris does an incredibly fake-sounding monologue about how she’s not interesting enough to be an actress. We don’t know about interesting, but she’s sure nailed the voice of a first-year drama student delivering a monologue. = +6pts
• The English teacher strikes again! . You’d think she’d at least try to help Leroy before announcing to the entire class that he can’t read. This clearly ain’t Dangerous Minds, folks. = -7pts 
• Inventive product placement as Leroy tests his own reading knowledge by sounding out “Welcome to the wonderful world of Maytag washing machines.” = +12pts
• A beautiful ballet number reminds us that some of the kids actually do have a chance of success. = +15pts
• Impromptu street dance to Irene Cara’s “Fame,” which won the Academy Award that year for best song. It was this scene that made the movie iconic and helped give wannabe performers the (sometimes misguided, but absolutely necessary) idea that your dreams are within your reach, if you want it badly enough. = +50pts
• Scene where a gay guy comes out to his class ends, and the next image we see is of him putting on lipstick.  = -15pts
• Leroy has a sweatshirt with his own name on it. You know, in case he forgets how to spell it. = +2pts (It’s the little things.)
• A teacher kicks a student out of the dance program, telling her, “You don’t have it.” = +10pts (For honesty, which you don’t often get in high school.)
• Overdramatic suicide scare followed by “If I can’t dance, I’ll change to the drama department.” = -8pts (-18pts for implying actors have it easier than dancers, +10 for being right.)
• Flaunting a heterosexual kiss in front of a vulnerable gay guy. Not cool, man. = -7pts
• Throwing the word “junkie” into a Spanish monologue so the English-speaking audience will have some idea of what just happened, rather than including English subtitles. = -4pts
• Doris Finsecker wants to change her name to Dominique Dupont. Really? Her mother is right. That does sound like a hooker name. = -9pts
• Rocky Horror Picture Show scene, complete with plus-sized woman dressed as Magenta. = +30 pts (For perfectly capturing the lives of many doomed-to-fail actors for years to come.)
• “If I don’t have a personality of my own, so what? I’m an actress. I can put on as many personalities as I want.” You’re  going to be a great secretary, Doris. = -11pts
• The most talented student from a few years before is now a waiter at a diner. Kudos to screenwriter Christopher Gore for yet another realistic look at the life of a would-be professional actor. = +15pts
• The nurse who has just listened to a teenage girl’s tearful monologue kindly calls her “honey” while asking what credit card she’ll be using to pay for her abortion. = -12pts
• OK, I realize with all her talk of being a professional, Coco’s gonna have to get her comeuppance at some point. But she lives in New York City, reads the trade papers, and most of the time, seems to know what she’s talking about. You’d think she’d be more savvy than to believe that a skeezy-looking guy with a New York accent who calls himself “Francois Lafete” is legit. = -27pts
• Graduation already? So, now that all the students are properly broken and realize they’re never going to achieve their dreams, they’re being released into the world? Kind of unsatisfying. I hope that diner is hiring more waiters. = -12pts 

Total score: +32pts
Available: Fame is not available on Netflix streaming, but my parents have my VHS copy if you want to pop by their house.

The success of the film led to a television series starring four of the film’s actors—Lee Curreri (Bruno), Gene Anthony Ray (Leroy), Albert Hague (Mr. Shorofsky), and Debbie Allen (Lydia). Perhaps appropriately, none of the student actors went on to longtime stardom, but several did (and do) make a living in their chosen fields. Ray was a dancer and choreographer for many years before his death in 2003; Paul McCrane (Montgomery) has had roles on 24, ER, and Harry’s Law; Irene Cara (Coco) performs regularly with her band, Hot Caramel; and Curreri pretty much lives his character’s life, working as a composer and music producer. He also follows me on Twitter, so +5pts for me.

Winning two Academy Awards for its music, Fame holds a solid spot in film history as an honest story of life in the arts—so solid, in fact, that LaGuardia Arts is still known as “the Fame school.” Remember my name, indeed.

Score Technician: Erika Grotto

Rubber

Many of us would have thought a movie about a wandering, left-for-dead hitchhiker, who awakes from some trauma and embarks on a vengeful killing spree, would have been virtually unfilmable. Filmaker Quentin Dupieux apparently realized this and decided to make that "hitchhicker" a used tire. (You are correct that used tire was not written in ironic quotes...Either time.) So, how does this "experiment" fare? Who knows? But what we would say is that you should never watch Rubber without a Scorecard. (Did you see what we did there?):

• Thinking of a movie that features a vengeful tire with the power to explode people's heads, and then actually making it. = +100pts.
• The feng shue value of placing chairs along a dirt road. Or, what the rest of the world calls littering. = -5pts
• Opening scene driving test FAIL. = +10pts
• Accompanying monologue. = +30pts
• Calling your movie a "great film" before it even starts. = -15pts
• The name "Wings Hauser." +10pts
• Watching a resurrected tire learn to roll again. = +20pts.
• Watching a tire hone its killing talents on empty water bottles, scorpions, beer bottles, rusty tin cans, and cute bunnies. = +35 pts
• Holy cow! Fat Neal! = +10pts
• Audience commentary past the meta-intro. You don't need to tell us that a tire with psychokinetic powers is cool. WE ALREADY KNOW THAT! = -30pts
• Even tires need to sleep. Apparently at night too. Remember that on your next road-trip. = +3pts
• Running over a tire in the middle of the road and then not stopping to see if it's okay. = -10pts
• Having that same tire regain consciousness, track you down for revenge, and explode your head (for you = -50pts) for us.= +75pts
• Being an officer of the law and not stopping to question the only object rolling/fleeing from a crime scene. = -25pts
• Taking a shower in a seedy hotel room and leaving your front door open for just any old tire to roll in through. = -40pts
• Having one of your meta-actors comment that the ass of the female who agreed to be naked in your movie is "not that great". = -50pts
• Renting a hotel room to a homicidal tire. = -5pts
• Implied bestiality. = -10pts
• Full frontal tire nudity. = +20pts
• Wearing leather boots to the pool. = -5pts
• Adding exploded bird entrails to your dad's pizza. = -20pts, Doing it in front of a hitchhiking hippie = +20pts (Technically a wash)
• The realization that your meta-experiment isn't playing out the way you planned. = -10pts
• Attempting to befriend an unstable homicidal tire. = -5pts
• Eating the poisoned food of your own trap. = -5pts
• Filming a pile of burning tires. (pre-holocaust = 0pts) Post-holocaust. = -50pts
• Attempting to fool a homicidal tire to its doom by tempting it with a mannequin strapped with explosives that looks nothing like you. = +25pts
• Coming soon: Tricycle. = +10pts

Total Score = +83pts
Available on: Netflix Streaming

In just concept and initial execution alone, this movie started off with a bang. However, the second act drags down what could have been a scorecard record. Does anyone have a tissue?

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

Hausu

In contention for the best worst movie currently available through Criterion, Nobuhiko Ôbayashi’s mind-bendingly convoluted House somehow found a way to call Everything Is Terrible!’s bluff before some of the dudes in Everything Is Terrible! were even born. It’s an uncanny mix of self-aware comedy, genre horror, and one of the most incongruously cheerful scores this side of Gremlins 2: The New Batch (seriously though, close your eyes and listen to that supremely upbeat synth-wave soundtrack sometime). Will this movie permanently alter the state of your mind? Maybe, but at least you’ll have a definitive score to quizzically look at/put in your drooling mouth afterwards…

• Knowing full well that audiences will need *something* tangible to cling to in this movie, and appeasing them by giving its tween girl protagonists such generic names as: Gorgeous, Prof, Kung Fu, Fantasy, Sweet, Melody, and Mac. = -5pts 
• Naming the over-eater in the circle of friends Mac. = -30pts 
• Mac having no discernible increased BMI in relation to the other girls. = +10pts 
• When introducing her new mother, Gorgeous’ father starts by doing a little putting practice, then pulling out a meerschaum pipe for a minute, and then putting on a Mr. Rogers sweater. = -12pts 
• A fluffy white cat named Blanche knocks over a photo of your dead mother... Foreshadow much? = +2pts. 
• Constructing an unnerving homage to Benny Hill in which a beleaguered shop teacher (Mr. T0g0) gets his ass stuck in some kind of a bucket and falls down stairs for what seems like forever. = -18pts 
• Best cartoon railroad trip to rural Japan ever. = +6pts 
• Aside: these young ladies always look just about 5 seconds away from rubbing their boobs all over each other. = +1pt 
• Weird silent film montage which takes care of all needed exposition within, like, 30 seconds? = +15pts (Steven Spielberg should take notes. But then again, Steven Spielberg should probably take notes from every movie that he hasn’t directed.) 
• A Cheshire Cat-type character that turns out to be a washed-up sumo wrestler selling watermelons on the side of the road, so obviously tumescent at the sight of tender young flesh that he has to hold a panama hat over his junk? = -17pts 
• The look on his face as the girls move along down the road to Gorgeous’ aunt’s slightly derelict mansion as an aside to the audience? “That’s a bad idea right there, folks” = -7pts 
• All right, Gorgeous' elegant aunt is obviously a witch. You're not even trying to hide it. Good on you, Ôbayashi. That dog’ll hunt. = +16pts 
• The piano covered in cobwebs, with missing, broken keys all over the place is somehow perfectly in tune. Is that, like, a ghost piano, then? = -40pts 
• Mac, deliriously hungry, holds onto a watermelon she bought from the libidinous heavy-set fruit vendor like it's her insulin pump. = -14pts 
• One girl: "What's a stove?" Other girl's reply: "A stove is a stove." Game. Set. And. Match. = -15pts 
• It’s pointless to try and describe here just how hilarious/horrifying the portrait of Blanche the cat is. = -19pts (For robbing me of my words.) 
• Fantasy goes to the well to draw out a watermelon they've lowered into it (for whatever reason) to find it transformed into the flying disembodied head of her dead friend, Mac, which promptly bites her in the ass. Mac’s delighted verdict: "Tasty!" = + 13pts 
• Later, it’s just a watermelon in there again. NBD. = -7pts 
• When you walk into a long-abandoned room to look for bedding, and the only thing to greet you is a creepy doll with white hair, the first question you ask it probably shouldn’t be, "Where's the bedding?" = +31pts 
• Kung Fu, upon being attacked by flying apparently mult-jointed logs, promptly loses her skirt, presumably making her better at martial arts. = +25pts 
• Naming the most badass of your troop of girls King Fu. = +5pts 
• To celebrate the death of one of your niece’s friends, why not dance around with a skeleton while your cat sings and plays piano? FOREVER. = -17pts 
• Also, first instance of keyboard cat in recorded history? = +23pts (We’re still looking that up) 
• Don't don that haunted broach! Stay away from that cursed lipstick! Shit, shit, shit. Now the mirror's changing and—Great. Now you're on fire. Oh, good, now you're fine again. = -32pts 
• Why are they skipping? Shouldn't they be scared? Why hasn't Kung Fu found a pair of pants to put on yet? = -17pts 
• When you do a sequence where the doors and windows keep opening and closing, a couple seconds will usually suffice. = -5pts 
• Musical segue about wearing silk dresses and being pretty and going to dance halls? Gorgeous is really living up to her name here. = -8pts 
• Melody’s reaction when the ghost-piano goes full-on-technicolor and eats her fingers off? Genuinely thrilled. = +8pts 
• Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dream Piano devouring Melody played for slapstick laughs? = +16pts 
• Kung Fu not even getting phased upon seeing Melody’s severed fingers playing some super-twee melody on the ghost piano. = -17pts 
• Gorgeous’ GIGANTIC FLOATING HEAD informs the surviving girls that she is in her aunt’s ghost-world now… And then her mouth lets them know that she has to eat them… By eating them. = +13pts 
• Spending a decent chunk of this film’s budget for an extended sequence where blood is shooting from every conceivable part of this haunted house. = +6pts 
• Intercutting this rainin’ blood (SLAYER!) with every remaining girl somehow losing all of her clothes. = -14pts 
• Why the hell did Mr. Togo (Benny Hill devotee) turn into a pile of bananas? And when did that happen? = -20pts 
• Why is Gorgeous’ new step-mom showing up to the haunted house? How the hell did she even know where it was? And why did Ôbayashi & co. switch to the G.E. Softlight® filter? Holey Moley! Gorgeous is now wearing her ghost aunt’s gown... I'd say you can guess how this is going to turn out but that would be a lie. = -20pts 
• After all that bloodshed, it's nice to know they can finish up the credits with a joyful sequence that would feel right at home in Valtrex's next ad campaign. = +13pts. 
• Lack of any actual or perceived tentacles. = -16pts.

Total Score =-178pts
Available On: Your Criterion DVD shelf, right in-between Pasolini’s Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom and Armageddon.

Huh? Hold on a second… Yep, nothing makes sense anymore. This doesn’t even look like our house right now. Wait a minute. This *isn’t* even our house right now! What the frick could that giant, floating, disembodied teenage Asian girl’s head possibly want with me? Gotta go outside. Brb. [It saddens us to report that on February 26th, in the Year of Our Lord 2013, at approximately 9:15pm, Paul Bower shuffled off this mortal coil… Worth it? Totally.]

Score Technician: Paul Bower

Battleship

From the toy company responsible for G. I. Joe and Transformers comes Battleship. Get your Scorecards ready to see why only two movies to date have been based on a board game!

• Opening the film with plot-establishing words instead of plot-establishing explosions. = -3pts 
• For casting all of the scientists as unattractive nerds. = +7pts (For not succumbing to the sexy female scientist trope.) 
• Including Stone Temple Pilots on the soundtrack. = +15pts. 
• Alexander Skarsgård within the first five minutes! = +30pts (This score could be higher, however all of the homoeroticism in his scenes appears to be unintentional.) 
• For bringing Tim Riggins all the way from Texas to Hawaii, where he can continue to slack and lazy stare his way through hot chicks. = +6pts 
• Tim Riggin’s not paying attention to Alexander Skarsgård because of tits. = -2pts. (That’s so Tim Riggins of you!) 
• Leading an on-foot chase that ends in a police tasering, just to steal a chicken burrito from a closed mini-mart for a girl you only just met. = +13pts (For capturing true love on film.) 
• Watching Tim Riggins fall through the ceiling of a convenience store…twice! = +10pts 
• New Rule: Eric the Vampire can only take his shirt off if Tim Riggins does, too. = -8pts (You know what, nevermind! We’re going to pause the movie and take this discussion over to our favorite fan fic site. You know, before this gets out of hand…) 
• We aren’t sure if Liam Neeson was in the movie because he owed someone a favor, really needed a paycheck, or is a passionate Battleship enthusiast. = -4pts (To be fair, this is the essential Liam Neeson question of our time.) 
• Tearing open the wounds of the still-living survivors of Pearl Harbor by having Japan beat the US at soccer. = -13pts 
• Tim Riggins getting kamikaze kicked in the face by Kakihara. = +7pts (Hold on, heading back to our fan fic site. Be right back…) 
• Soliloquy in the bathroom mirror. = -2pts 
• For casting James Vega from Mass Effect 3 to play the “burly Hawaiian guy.” = +4pts 
• Un-hilarious amputee exploitation. = -7pts 
• Direct quote: “Boobish behavior.” = -3pts 
• One too many monkey scientist close-ups. = -8pts 
• The military suspects Russia and China are behind the surprise missile attack. = +6pts (For making Kim Jong Il spin in his grave.) 
• Showing adorable Asian children and a statue of Buddha before Hong Kong is decimated by space debris. = +5pts 
• When did Hong Kong get its own Sydney Opera House? = +3pts 
• For not allowing Peter MacNicol an opportunity to gleefully shout, “It’s Vigo!” = -7pts 
• The navy’s response to an obviously alien crash is to send a recon team in a rubber boat armed only with a machine gun. = -10pts (This would be a higher score had they done so with a topless Tim Riggins. Dammit! Be right back…) 
• For having the aliens seal everyone in a Pop-O-Matic Bubble. = -14pts (Wrong game, assholes!) 
• How is the water displacement of so many alien ships surfacing not overturning the rubber boat? Or removing Tim Riggins’ shirt?= -9pts 
• The aliens make a shockwave strong enough to shatter a battleship’s windows and flap Alexander Skarsgård’s lips around without knocking Tim Riggins, Rhianna, and James Vega out of their tiny boat. = -13points 
• Now Rihanna fires the machine gun? GTFO! = -6pts 
• Tim Riggins Matrix-dodging a peg-shaped grenade. = -8pts (He was an all-state fullback for the Dillon Panthers.) 
• For having an explosion so awesome that the editor rewound the tape mid-splosion so that we could see it again, Dolemite style. = +1pt 
• Killing Alexander Skarsgård while leaving Special Needs Matt Damon alive. = -26pts 
• Now the Japanese attack? Of course the aliens immediately destroy their ship. = -6pts 
• Shitting down the necks of veterans by having sentient buzzsaw balls destroy Pearl Harbor. = -13pts 
• The buzzsaw ball passes up the chance to mince a little leaguer to instead collapse a bridge, potentially killing several little leaguers. = +7pts 
• For embracing nerd stereotypes in all the wrong ways. = -3pts 
• Aliens with sea urchin beards. = -4pts 
• If a movie got a star for every video game character its aliens rip off, this would be a five-star picture. = -5pts 
• Cameo appearance by Chris Brown as the alien that punches Rihanna in the face. = +17pts 
• Ruining the majesty of having an alien utterly destroyed with close-range cannon fire by having Rihanna bleat, “Mahalo, motherfucker!” = 0pts (a wash). 
• Equus ex machina. = +5pts 
• Including a scene where someone screams, “Oh, shit! Is he a cyborg?” to a man with artificial legs. = +9pts 
• Matt Retar-Damon figures out the aliens’ weakness because one time he took his pet lizard to the beach. = -7pts. 
• Obama’s IMDB page will be forever tarnished for allowing the use of his archival footage. = +3pts 
• Oh, no! The radar is out! Solution? PLAY BATTLESHIP. = +30pts (Although, we have a strong sense that we enjoyed Pop-O-Matic more.) 
• Having aliens cheat at Battleship by moving their pieces. = +5pts 
• African American Amputee threatens to break off his steel leg in the nerdy scientist’s ass, but doesn’t actually do it. = -1pt 
• Using the word “nincompoop” unironically. = +8pts 
• Missing the opportunity to kill both Not Matt Damon and Rihanna with a buzzsaw ball. = -10pts 
• The much explodier homage to The Titanic would have been perfect had Tim Riggins elected to paint Kakihara like one of his French girls. = +8pts. (Be right back!) 
• Playing AC/DC’s "Thunderstruck" during the “PTSD-afflicted naval veterans make the USS Missouri battle-ready” montage. = +3pts 
• How do they expect to dock the ship without the anchor? = -2pts 
• Explosions are cool until one simultaneously kills eighteen grandpas. = -13pts 
• Grizzled veterans firing machine guns at an alien war ship. = +23pts 
• Quoting Sun Tzu’s The Art of War to a Japanese man as if he should be expected to be familiar with it. = -4pts 
• Remember when Jim Brown fist-fought the alien in Mars Attacks? This movie does. = +8pts 
• Failing to end the movie with a freeze-frame of Liam Neeson thrusting his fists into the air and shouting, “You sunk my battleship!” while everyone laughs. = -5pts 
• Including a stinger where Scottish people act Scottish. = +7pts

Total Score = +8pts
Score Technicians: TJ Geise and Sean McConnell

In conclusion, Battleship was a vapid, tactless waste of two hours. The characters are too bland to be loved or loathed and the action scenes were as infuriating as they were confusing. There’s no reason to pay attention to the plot, as trying to do so would result in paroxysms. That being said, the sheer volume of possible fan fic generated by this movie is not to be ignored. With all this in mind, it’s safe to say that this Battleship sank our Scorecard! Who cares? EXPLOSIONS!!!

Ginuwine: Pony

Ginuwine, "Pony" video

At this point you might be thinking that, with the sci-fi, the horror, and the child-molesting 80s divas, a bunch of white dudes wrote this blog. Oh wait... Anyways, we “saved the best for last” (read: getting it in under the wire), so slip on your well-worn Critical Race Theory hats and follow along as we unpack Ginuwine’s treatise on the promise of a post-racial America, “Pony.” (You’re welcome, Obama!)

• 0:03: Rolling up in a bus? Chamillionaire does not approve. = -1pts
• 0:20: As a brown person, this score technician  can testify to the fact that the reaction of the white people in this bar to the presence of PoCs is totally accurate = +12pts
• 0:37: Three seconds of Ginuwine dancing and you know every woman’s panties are already wet = +7pts (One for every chakra that is glowing right now.)
• 0:43: Really, this video is about how Ginuwine’s abs refuse to be oppressed by that shirt. Their battle for freedom is epic. = +6pts
• 0:52: That old white guy cannot handle all that sweet, sweet, gyrating man meat, and must look away. = +2pts
• 0:58: Take note of this woman’s deviation from mainstream constructions of beauty for later reference. = (0 points, for now.)
• 1:19: Just in case you didn’t know what his “pony” was, Ginuwine helpfully points it out to us. = +2pts (For subtlety.) 
• 1:20: That braid-beard man takes the hint, and motions for Ginuwine to follow him to the bathroom. = +15pts
• 1:33: Hot black women will help ease white men off the throne of racial dominance. = -5pts (For feminisms!)
• 1:36: All these crotch shots would be more appealing if Ginuwine’s jeans didn’t look like a diaper. = -20pts.
• 1:54: Ohhhhh….. yeeeeeeaaah. That is all. = +50pts
• 1:57: Plaid shirt guy knows what we’re talking about. = +5pts
• 2:14: All of a sudden, the white women in this bar get way hotter (see note at 0:58) = -10pts (more feminism!)
• 2:22: After the tryst in the bathroom, braided beard guy has some deep feelings about still being on the DL. = +6pts
• 2:49: In the presence of black men, white women cannot help but wear midriff-bearing tops and undulate their bodies in ways God would never approve. = +7pts (-3pts for feminism, +10pts for this song being pure sex)
• 2:51: Aaaaaand, the shirt finally surrenders to the abs. It was a good fight! = +36 pts (abs squared)
• 3:34: Black people, white people, undulating. = +69pts (Pat Robinson just had an aneurysm.)
• 3:46: So, we got the old white guys, the young black men (not all of them 10s), but all the girls are young and hot? That lady from the beginning disappeared?! What? She doesn’t get to ride any ponies? I guess the objectification of women is what will bring about the sexy race war truce. Because in the end, we all want to tap that honey. = -50pts (3rd wave feminism happened! Deal with it!)
• 4:26: Awww! They switch hats! Welcome to post-racial America everyone!= +5pts

Total Score = +136pts

With subtle lyricism (“juices flowin’ down your thigh” and “You’ll be on my jockey team” come to mind), Ginuwine reminds us that whether you’re black or white, what brings us together is pussy. Screw the Voting Rights Act and ride that pony!

Score Techician: Maya Mackrandilal

Eddie Murphy: Party All the Time

Eddie Murphy, "Party All the Time" video

In an effort to keep Music Video Week close to our normal field of operations, we decided to open the 80's Vault of Actors-Turned-Singers, and the result is the most effective way to blow the good graces of American moviegoers in under five minutes.

• 0:06: Already six seconds into the 80's Rock-R&B fusion background track, we are reminded that, yes, THAT Eddie Murphy. = + 5pts (At this point, he's just made Beverly Hills Cop, so forgiveness is high).
• 0:14: 80's-appropriate montage, but instead of weight training or dance-practicing, assuring us that this is a real recording studio and not a dream. = +3pts
• 0:18: Rick James' blonde willow-tree mane. = +10pts
• 0:27: Signature Eddie Murphy laugh! (Hyeh-hyeh) = + 7pts
• 0:39: “Okay, put your phones on, man.” -Rick James, in industry speak. = -8pts
• 0:59: Gratuitous Clap Count (GCC) is at 1. = -1pt
• 1:06: GCC (Rick James Edition) is at 2. = -2pts
• 1:16: Excited background singers, not being recorded, but rather “partying at this time.” = -10pts
• 1:24: Eddie's really feeling it now! = -11pts
• 1:31: Which hair metal band fired Shirtless Blazer Guy? Enuff Z'Nuff?  = +12pts (Because clearly he's in it for the drugs.)
• 1:36: Rick James, Air Drum Soloist. = -22pts
• 1:37: How many people are hanging out just to watch Eddie Murphy sing? GCC is at 3. = +1 (-3pts If it were Eddie or Rick, +1pt for that guy being able to show this video to his grandkids.)
• 1:43: Eddie's REEEEALLLY feeling it, now. GCC is at 4.= -4pts
• 1:50: At this point, I have forgotten Trading Places. GCC is at 5 (We’re serious. Because they are very serious). = -5pts
• 1:57: We think those claps were the first thing they came up with when they wrote this song. By “they,” we mean Eddie Murphy and Rick “Cocaine's a helluva drug” James. GCC is at 6. = -6pts
• 2:04: At least the band is getting screen time pretending to be playing live. And Eddie's dance moves, um…exist? GCC is at 7.  = -7pts
• 2:23: I'm not sure if she's starstruck or deaf, but this woman is very impressed. GCC is at 10. = -10pts
• 2:27: What's wrong with those two dudes ? Are they on ecstasy? That’s too much excitement for our comfort .  = -5pts (for being creeped out.)
• 2:39: There's the old WASP in charge of making sure someone pushes dials while the drugs are happening. = +3pts 
• 2:51: Eddie Murphy brings Rick James to climax through the power of funk. = -40pts
• 3:19: Fueled by drugs and raw sexual energy, Rick James will now abandon producing to strap on a bass that is (probably) not plugged in and join Eddie for some face time. GCC is at 12. = -12pts
• 3:35: Rick James improving lines to add emphasis. He forgets, “She likes to come over to my place and do drugs until sex.” = +7pts
• 3:58: “Eddie, great job! This is sure to be a classic! Now let's wrap this up and go for a gallup on the white pony until all your funny is gone!” = unscoreable, because it's unforgivable .
• 4:03: Double “OK” to the camera, which Rick James morphs into the “sign of the devil.” = -66pts

Total Score: -161pts
Available on: YouTube, 1980s MTV (extinct)

48 Hrs. Trading Places. Beverly Hills Cop. Three solid hits made Eddie Murphy a star (added to his stand-up classic Delirious). This chapter could have, maybe should have, ruined him. Thankfully, as serious as he seems at times here, there seems to still be a lot of fun (read: cocaine) being had by all parties, and that is what she wants to do. All the time. Eddie Murphy is a shell of the funnyman he was in the ‘80s, but if you want to laugh (and Coming to America is not readily available), this video is a doozy. Especially with a scorecard.

Score Technician: Matt “That Boy's Good!” Fleming

Tool: Prison Sex

Tool, "Prison Sex" video

Back in the 1990's, there were only two kinds of music videos:

1. Music videos made by Tool
2. Music videos made by everybody else

If you’re not familiar with the former, then we don’t quite know what to tell you except that we hope you enjoyed your years of sleep untroubled by horrific stop-motion nightmares while they lasted.

• 0:34 Legless, one-eyed doll puppet sitting in a room full of drawers. It’s official, folks, we are watching a Tool video = +4pts
• 0:38 Hanging the little puppet guy’s legs just out of reach where he can see them. = -2pts (That’s a dick move.)
• 0:53 Alien Gimp Puppet-master. = +16pts
• 1:06 That’s no way to treat a book, Alien Gimp Puppet-master! = -3pts
• 1:52 Compulsory shot of grotesque Claymation creature looking inside of something. = +7pts 
• 2:22 We would never presume to tell an Alien Gimp how to do his job, but if he really wants to paint his doll puppet, he’s going to have put something on that brush. = -3pts
• 2:41 Why wouldn’t there be a ramshackle automaton with a rotating, two dimensional photograph of a baby’s face for a head inside that drawer? = +15pts 
• 2:58 Rapidly opening drawer knocks the doll puppet on his face from behind. = +3pts (for a little light comic relief…or for possibly prison sex. We don’t know. Just using the title as a basis.)
• 3:09 Alien Gimp jazz hands! = +23pts
• 3:33 Alien Gimp likes the way that drawer feels a little TOO much... = -4pts
• 3:50 Oh look, the doll puppet has a little puppet buddy to play with over in that drawer. = +12pts
• 3:51 OH MY GOD! CATERPILLAR DOLL! SWEET MERCIFUL SAVIOR, KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE! = -10pts
• 4:00 Even the Alien Gimp is creeped-out by Caterpillar Doll. = +2pts
• 4:07 But we don’t want to go inside the Alien Gimp’s head... = -4pts
• 4:14 Partially Digested Meat Doll. = +6pts
• 4:15 Partially Digested Meat Doll goes for a stroll. = +9pts
• 4:18 Alien Gimp Mr. Bills the Partially Digested Meat Doll. = +11pts (Oh nooooooooooooo!)
• 4:23 Baby-face ramshackle automaton arrives on the scene too late to perform CPR on Partially Digested Meat Doll. Code Blue. = -4pts
• 4:37 The sheer amount of self-loathing the Doll Puppet puts into that single brushstroke. = +5pts
• 4:40 A tender moment between Alien Gimp and Doll Puppet. = +3pts
• 4:55 Alien Gimp closes the Doll Puppet in a giant drawer. If only we could shut away our nightmares so easily… = +7pts
• Extra credit: 
• Terrifying usage of stop-motion animation. = +18pts
• Conspicuous lack of actual prison sex. = -9pts

Total Score: = +102pts
Available on: YouTube, Salival box set, that place inside your mind that you spend every moment of your waking life trying to suppress.

Well, you can’t say that we didn’t warn you. If you watched that along with us, then we apologize, but you will never unsee the things you witnessed in that video. Just keep this scorecard with you always as a reminder of more innocent times, before your eyes were opened to the darkness at the end of all things, waiting to swallow us whole.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

Bonnie Tyler: Total Eclipse of the Heart

Bonnie Tyler, "Total Eclipse of the Heart" video

Seeing as how the Scorecard has provided much needed guidance regarding the survivability of epic films, it seems only natural that we would extend this service into scoring epic videos as well. It’s time to print up your scorecard and break out the tissue and the restraining order, as Bonnie Tyler has a Total Eclipse of the Heart.

• 00:00: Anything in which Bonnie Tyler’s voice makes an appearance. = +50pts (This includes Short Circuit.)
• 0:09: Starting your video is what appears to be a drafty old sex laboratory. = +15pts
• 0:16: Dove sighting! = +3pts (This building must be abandoned given the free reign birds have of the place.)
• 0:20: Bonnie Tyler appearance! = +5pts (This was a plus in the 80’s as many early videos often featured anyone but the singer.)
• 0: 20: Creepy smiling doll in the bottom corner of Bonnie Tyler’s appearance. = -4pts
• 0: 26: Maintaining flames on all candles despite leaving all the windows open during what appears to be a hurricane. = +3pts
• 0: 28: Uh-oh! Full Moon! = No score. Just foreshadowing.
• 0:31: Shot of what looks like a tremendous selection of completely empty liquor bottles. Oh-oh, somebody’s hammered! = +2pts
• 0: 42: Sudden random appearance of laser eyed school boy. = +10pts (Yep, somebody is definitely hammered.)
• 0: 42: Taking heartbreaking use of “bright eyes” in the song (which many assume is a term of affection between two warring lovers), and giving it a literal spin by creating a character with laser eyes. = -10pts
• 0:42: Not immediately running from laser-eyed school boy, or jumping out of that large open window you are sitting in front of. = +3pts
• 0:49: Installing curtains behind doors. = -2pts (Because it really does shit for feng shui.)
• 0: 49: Effectiveness of said curtains during a hurricane. = -7pts (See!)
• 0:55: Leering at young boys during….”night class?” = -10pts
• 1:04: Building a large heavy wooden chair. = 0pts
• 1:04: Capturing and slaying an angel so that you can surgically graft its wings to said chair. = +3pts
• 1:08: Leaving a young boy alone at night and only giving him and dead dove to defend himself. = -2pts.
• 1:11: Shirtless teen boys in speedos having a bucket of water tossed on them in a room that is likely at least a good 13-minute walk from the school swimming pool in order to a) prepare for a midnight swim meet, or b) camouflage their musk-like scent from predatory headmistress. = +3pts
• 1:15: At this point it becomes evident that the school has an elaborate security system in place to protect the children from lecherous invaders who have broken in a night. = +4pts
• 1:17: How easily this “security system” is distracted by the appearance of a camera. = -6pts
• 1:17: Ninjas: Ruthless warriors and masters of modern dance. = +2pts
• 1:34. Midnight fencing/gymnastics/wrestling practice. = -2pts (Rich prep school boys sure have it rough!)
• 2:00: If you’re going to have dancing street punks as part of your security system, be sure they are at least good dancing street punks. = -3pts
• 2:09: Okay, we aren’t gonna lie, that voice, that way that chorus kicks in with the wind and light blasting behind her—Bonnie Tyler is (a white) Storm, drunken and feverish for young boys. And even the most homoerotic security system in the world is going to be powerless to stop her when she sings like that. = +8pts (+23pts for the drama, -15pts for the emotional trauma)
• 2:14: Shirtless pad wearing “football” players. = +4pts
• 2:16: How quickly said football players run away when Bonnie Tyler runs at them. = -3pts
• New Theory: Rather than being a drunk headmistress at the Xavier School for gifted young men, this video is all about the Gay Nightmare: A drunk middle aged woman (stand in for mother) can’t seem to “get the hint” (the dancing, the midnight clubs, the costumes, the lack of shirts with those costumes, the…more dancing) and refuses to concede that they just aren’t that into her.  = -8pts (Gays are people too!)
• 2:17: Watching a grown woman drunkenly run into a mirror. = +17pts
• 2:56: “The woman knows how to party.” Our depraved thought at the realization that the slit of her dress runs up the front and above her vagina, the equivalent of wearing one giant peep show. = -8pts (Somebody should really call the FBI.)
• 3:22: The slow motion shot of the fencer peeling back his mask and unleashing what looks like a flood of urine across his face. = +5pts (We know this should be a minus. But really, why?)
• 3:28: A choir of laser-eyes. = +13pts (For being the equivalent of a gay Voltron in the 80’s.)
• 3:34: Laser boy choir throwing their smallest member at the drunk Headmistress in a last ditch effort to defeat her. Sorry guys, if a dove couldn’t stop her, what did you think Calvin’s wane body is going to do? = -9pts
• 3:53: Iconic 80’s video image alert: A tribal, cloth diaper wearing, young man kicks his leg up, thus giving legendary singer a full shot of his “business,” only to have her shrug it off with her rendition of “We’ll be holding on forever.” = +5pts (For being a classic.)
• 4:11: Seriously, diaper dude, she doesn’t want your junk… She wants all your junks! = +1pts (For never giving up. Professor X would be proud.)
• 4:31: Being molested by an angel. = -2pts
• 4:52: Mea culpa scene. While we can’t hear what is being said we imagine the dialogue went something like this:  “This is (insert name here). He’s captain of our (insert extracurricular activity here) team. He was one of the boys you (insert sexual abuse here) last night.” “Hello, (insert name here) I’m really sorry I (insert sexual abuse here) last night. I promise to lay off the (insert alcoholic beverage/drug here).” X23 (1pt for each underage boy.) = +23pts (For being the bigger person. We’re pretty sure Magneto had to do the same thing in X-Men #200.)
• 4:56: One of them seemed to like it. Ugh…  = -7pts
• 5:10: Apparently apologies aren’t enough for “bright eyes.” Can you say sequel? = -6pts (for holding a grudge.)
• 5:17: Appearance of what seems to be a young Gaius Baltar. = +5pts (EVERYTHING REPEATS ITSELF!! GET IT!!)

Total Score: = +72pts

So, while many of us grew up listening to this song and remember being floored by the vocal dynamo that is Bonnie Tyler, it turns out that, what we missed about the song and its incredibly literal lyrics, was the director’s critique of the gay national nightmare that was the 1980’s. She’s not just singing about the love she’s lost, she’s also singing about the love she’s not getting from all the young boys who seem more interested “midnight clubbing” than her elegantly displayed vagina. So, in closing we’d like to borrow a quote from Lord Grantham (of Downton Abbey fame) who, when recalling his time at his uber-elite boarding school Aton and his close quarters living with other hormonal boys of privilege, said, “If I’d screamed blue murder every time someone tried to kiss me, I’d have been hoarse within a month.” Well sir, had Bonnie Tyler been around at Alton, we imagine screaming bloody murder would have been as useful as a ninja during midnight mass. America wins again.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

Grimes: Genesis

Grimes, "Genesis" Video

The PCS nanobots are cranky. “Feed us more data!” they cry. We’re super busy though, so we’ve started feeding them smaller tidbits from the interwebs, streaming that sweet, sweet, YouTube intravenously. After a wild and crazy night binging on cat videos and porn, we present for your viewing pleasure the apex of our age, “Genesis” by Grimes:

• 1:04 Maintaining that bored but fuckable look while undulating in a car’s headlights. = +7pts (-4pts for this lasting a whole minute, +11pts for reminding us of Lost Highway.)
• 1:16 Creepy over-the-face hair.  = +7pts
• 1:17 “Tribal” braids on a white chick = -5pts
• 1:18 Skater-goth with a sword. = +7pts
• 1:26 We want that “PUSSY” hat. = +5pts
• 1:48 Swords for everyone! (x3) = +21pts
• 1:59 Tribal-braids-girl wearing the most ineffective metallic body armor and fellating a popsicle stick on a suburban street = +14pts (-12pts for the objectification of women, +26 points for its gender-queer-“post”-feminist attack on the prudishness of white bourgeois values.) 
• 2:05 Make sure that when lounging in the back of your limo dressed like a school-girl you stroke your boa constrictor AS SEDUCTIVELY AS POSSIBLE= +11pts (-3 points for objectifying young women, +14 points for subverting Brittany.)
• 2:33 Maybe if Grimes had some black friends she’d have better rhythm? Or at the very least be less bored = -8pts (For the sake of Critical Race Theory.)
• 2:58 That being said, we’d love to blow bubbles in a limo. = +5pts
• 3:38 Breakdance sesh! = +3pts
• 4:16 Playing with weapons in the desert while wearing some fierce heels, otherwise known as how every young lady of distinguished breeding should spend a warm afternoon = +17pts
• 4:39 We saw the expression on Tribal-braids-girl’s face as she caresses Grimes in a Youporn video at 3 A.M. last night. And every night. = -2pts
• 4:45 Badass ladies riding an SUV like a chariot= +13pts
• 4:51 Flaming sword. That is all. = +14pts
• Extra credit:
• Not being able to find a definitive set of lyrics for this song online. = +8pts
• The audio not synching with the video. = -3pts
• The accumulated effect of being unable to decipher what the fuck this song is about: = +8pts.

Total= +128pts

Is this video just a series of spreads for a fashion magazine, or a neo-feminist-post-racial fantasy? Either way, it is advisable to watch this video with a scorecard handy when making your final decision.

Score Technician: Maya Mackrandilal

Music Video Week

The Scorecard nanobots need a break from digesting all these movies (we think it was suffering through two hours of Battlefield Earth that finally burned out their delicate organic circuitry), so for the next week, we thought we'd take it easy on them by feeding them some music videos instead. Starting on Monday, the Progressive Cinema Scorecard will come at you hard with five (that's right, FIVE) thought-provoking, scientifically accurate critical assessments of the staff's favorite vids from the '80s, '90s, and today.

Bring the whole family. Not your kids, though. We curse too much for that.

The Keep

The Keep is shrouded in mystery. And when we say that, we're not so much talking about enigmatic edifice alluded to in the title, but the actual film itself. Seriously, what the hell is this movie about and who's responsible for it? Does anyone know?

• Holy shit! Directed by Michael Mann! = +75pts
• Music by Tangerine Dream! = +5pts
• The bad guy from Beerfest! Playing a Nazi! (Being in Beerfest = +10pts; Being a Nazi. = -9pts) Net Points= +1pt
• Shooting a movie in what looks like Rock City. = +10pts (See it!)
• Saying the line, "It doesn't make any sense. It looks like it was built, not to keep something out, but-" This phrase has been interrupted for your benefit and has been assessed a Scorecard cliche penalty. = -10pts
• Having the salty old townie tell you to never touch the crosses...and then touching the crosses. = -25pts
• German Nazi soldiers with British accents. = +5pts
• The massive farting Keep sequence (with accompanying architectural anus). = +70pts (A cinema first!)
• Oh, snap! Scott Glenn! = +20pts
• According to this movie, Nazis with green arm badges weren't as bad as Nazis with red arm badges. Hold on, let me just Wikipedia this. Just to confirm... Okay, let's see...Nazis with green badges...Um, hmmm...Nope, all Nazis' sucked. = -30pts
• Holy shit! A young Faux Soze as a bad Nazi general! (For being a Nazi general. = -10pts; For being Faux Fucking Soze. = +30pts) Net. = +20pts
• Faux Soze's German accent. = -10pts
• Holy shit! Gandeto/Mandalf! In this movie! = +80pts
• For the Scorecard crew having never heard of this movie, despite the sheer volume of Academy Award level talent (being made in 1983 is no excuse.), we must penalize ourselves for our incompetence. The Progressive Cinema Scorecard is docked -100 points.
• The fact that everyone in this movie looks the same age now that they did in 1983. = +10pts
• Mandalf's indeterminable accent. = -10pts
• Gandeto's fuzzy mittens. = -5pts
• Really? A scene of Nazi face meltings? In 1983? A few years after Raiders of the Lost Ark? and you couldn't make them look at least as cool? Embarrassing. = -30pts
• That beautifully shot scene starring that moving fart cloud fly thing. = +25pts
• For finally explaining how Magneto got out of the Nazi death camps. Thanks for nothing, X-Men: First Class! = +10pts
• For having the female lead sleep with Scott Glenn, a man she had never met and didn't even have a conversation with. -20pts
• Taking us back to the day when aggressive, flat-hand rubbing on naked backs, and holding hands signified passionate sex. Thanks for nothing internet porn! =+5pts
• Skeletor cameo. = +10pts
• Yelling at your previously wheelchair-bound friend for being able to walk and telling him to burn in hell. = -15pts
• Crying into the arms of the man you just boned, who you don't know, and who has just mentioned he has to kill your father without providing a sensible, or understandable, reason for doing so. = -20pts
• For taking 5 minutes to show us how Mandalf figured his way through the Mines of Moria. = +5pts
• Constantly changing the the hairstyle of the female lead so that we think it's a different chick every time. = -15pts
• Almost killing your daughter because a guy in a rubber Skeletor suit told you too. = +25pts (Hey, we said almost.)
• Does Scott Glenn really need any prosthesis on his already long neck? We don't think so. = -5pts
• For not making any sense. = -25pts
• For the repetitive message that Nazi's were mean. Was this still in doubt in 1983? = +1pt
• For an overall lack of accent integrity. = -10pts
• For almost single handedly killing Mandalf's movie career. = -20pts
• We are giving our 100 points back to ourselves because it is pretty clear why we never heard of this movie and why none of the poeple involved every cited it in any of the hundreds of interviews they've given since. PCS= +100pts

Total Score = +127pts
Progressive Cinema Scorecard Total: 0pts (Just where we like it!)
Available On: Netflix streaming, a list of things that Ian McKellan and Michael Mann are apparently willing to do for the right price.

Despite several beautiful Michael-Mann-esque-shots, and an amazing roster of (future) Academy Award nominees-ingredients so impressive that we initially penalized ourselves for not knowing of this film's existence-what we're left with was a nonsensical movie that appears to basically be about architectural flatulence.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

Sometimes, Hollywood makes mistakes. Rarely do these mistakes have quite the impact of John Travolta's passion project, Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000, which bankrupted Franchise Pictures, drained nearly all of Travolta's 90’s comeback-goodwill and served as a teaser trailer for the more eclectic side of Scientology. Could it be that this sci-fi epic was just ahead of its time/dimension? Let’s ask the nanobots…

• The opening crawl puts the alien takeover at right around the year 2000. Sounds about right. = +2pts 
• "Gold is the rarest and most valuable metal of all." = -10pts (Did Glenn Beck write this movie?) 
• Reiterating, with text again, the opening crawl's assertion that "man is an endangered species" within the first two minutes. Apparently we aren’t the smartest. = +6pts 
• Having to readjust our heads three times already because every other shot is at an unnecessary angle. = -9pts 
• According to IMDB, Barry Pepper's character is named Jonnie Goodboy Tyler. No. = -1pt 
• Barry Pepper's slow-motion "nooooooooo" is on par with Darth Vader's. = +13pts 
• Star Wars-style wipe-edits. = -5pts 
• Humans are an endangered species, but apparently horses are like bicycles, as this tribe happily loans Barry Pepper one for his suicide mission. = -1pt 
• We don't know if Earth's terrain has become more angled because alien-gold-mining or if the filmmakers wanted to distract us from more slow motion. = -9pts 
• "Oh no, a demon! Better hit it with a stick!" = -9pts 
• Nope, not a demon, just a mini golf course that's been abandoned for 1000 years. = -10pts 
• Having an "intimidating grunt fight" with humans he encounters, because now the humans are the animals. Get it? = -11pts 
• Statues and mannequins have been frozen by the gods: 30th century anthropology. = +7pts 
• It's good to know that even on post-apocalyptic, alien-ruled Earth, "a good woman is hard to find." Eh, amirite! = -14pts 
• "Aww, shit! Here come them aliens! I'll just whistle my horse over… NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR SLOW MOTION, HORSE! " = -8pts 
• Barry Pepper's reaction to his horse getting shot is the same "noooooo" he belted when he found out his father died. = -20pts 
• Barry Pepper's courageous portrayal of getting shot and falling forward through four panes of glass…all in slow motion. = +12pts 
• Shouting "It's poison!" as gas pours into a holding cell. Great detective work, human! = -1pts 
• The screen text reveals that we are arriving at "Human Processing Center - Denver." Denver? Really? = -9pts (Pre-Columbine = +10pts, Post-Columbine = -19pts) 
• Aliens looking like scarier versions of Klingons if the Klingon fashion industry took all of its cues from Milli Vanilli. = -8pts 
• John Travolta and Forest Whitaker as goatee'd alien prison guards (Terl and Ker, respectively). = +30pts 
• Calling Barry Pepper a "man-animal" instead of "manimal." = -20pts. 
• Two words: prison hosedown. Didn't see the word “sexy” there? That's right. = +1pt 
• Destroying Barry Pepper's mom's lucky necklace. = +1pt 
• "They told me this planet was ugly, but this has gotta be one of the ugliest crapholes in the entire universe!" = -11pts 
• Bureaucratic alien with a saggy gut for a chin looks like the love-child of an elderly woman and Pizza the Hutt . = -14pts. 
• John Travolta gets passed up for the promotion he's been counting on; evil alien corporate big-wigs doom him to an eternity in human-slavery-middle-management. = +23pts 
• Planet Psychlo looks like if Prince did the production design for Blade Runner. = -35pts. 
• Psychlos getting loaded on Hi-C Ecto-Cooler after a bad day. Problems, we all got 'em! = +2pts 
• In case you needed to be reminded of irony is, the humans are imprisoned in a desolated zoo. = +3pts 
• Barry Pepper fighting the reigning Alpha-human to teach everyone the lesson that humans shouldn't fight over who gets to eat their soylent green first. = +5pts 
• Psychlo law ensures profit over all, meaning Forest Whitaker gets to spout some corporate jargon justifying teaching humans to use machines. = +1pt 
• The slow-motion and angled framing continue without any remorse. = +2pts 
• "No way this man lasts more than four minutes." Psychlos reflecting middle-aged human housewives everywhere. = +4pts 
• John Travolta continually abusing Forest Whitaker; he's like a less-likable and uglier Moe Howard. = +3pts 
• The plan is to trick Barry Pepper into "choosing its favorite food?" Blazin' Hot Buffalo Wings? = 0pts (Score pending). 
• Nope. RATS. = -10pts 
• John Travolta and Forest Whitaker are the Keystone Cops. = -8pts 
• Language slave hologram. = -1pt 
• Hooking the smart man-animal up to our knowledge machine. What could possibly go wrong?! = +20pts 
• "Hope is an admirable quality, but foolish isn't." Poetry. = -6pts. 
• John Travolta looking far too happy force-feeding Barry Pepper a live rat. = +2pts 
• Barry Pepper, seeing the Denver Library for the first time, becomes the first person in recorded history to be impressed by it. = +7pts 
• Meanwhile, at the Psychlo watering hole: "Ker, meet Chirk." Kelly Preston knows how to stand by her man. = +4pts 
• "I'm going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of grabango." I assume this means "boobs." = +10pts 
• So, its technical name is "the learning machine." Okay. = +2pts 
• The flying simulation looks a lot like the graphics from The Lawnmower Man, yet this movie came out after The Matrix. = +1pt
• Barry Pepper decides to break into Fort Knox instead of mining for gold. = +15pts 
• Not understanding maps and the lines and… "they must have just faded over time." = +5pts 
• Washington, DC: "The capital of all our tribes." = -8pts (For perpetuating gridlock.) 
• Fort Hood, Texas. Home of barbeque, nukes, and manimal flight simulations. = -2pts 
• Some truly agonizing dialog between Travolta and Whitaker. = -7pts (Think “Qui-Gon Jin explaining midichlorians” level bad). 
• Although, props for Forest Whitaker’s space Kool-aid. = +2pts 
• Don't forget the boxes marked "explosives!" = -16pts (We're actually rooting against the humans at this point.) 
• The old “hero loses his communications device just as an important message comes through” trick. = -2pts 
• "Woof, woof, yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhh!" = +5pts 
• You gotta think, "Man, this guy Terl is just trying to get paid and go home, he hates his job so much, why can't he have a nice life like any other crazy, six-fingered alien slavedriver," right? = +1pt 
• The most complicated, drawn-out and convoluted plot to "blow the dome" ever. = +16pts 
• John Travolta exploding his own arm off and reacting with a "hennggh." = +23pts 
• Nuking Prince's Purple Planet!™ = +31pts 
• Okay, you guys got your planet back. Now will you bathe? = -1pt 
• Last scene is eerily reminiscent of the way they left Magneto in the plastic prison at the end of X-Men. Who copied who??? = +9pts 

Total Score: =-8pts
Available on: DVD, Netflix, YouTube.

It's hard to believe this movie made it all the way to the screen. An amalgamation of science fiction clichés, ham-fisted moral lessons, and a large dose of “what-in-the-serious-hell-is-going-on,” Battlefield Earth is a time capsule of pre-9/11 Hollywood. With the current contextual knowledge of CoS's shadier side, this movie could almost be seen as a cry for help from one of its most beloved benefactors and public figures. If you must watch Battlefield Earth, we advise doing it with friends, maybe some party liquor, and definitely a nearby scorecard.

Score Technician: Matt Fleming

Drag Me to Hell (Unrated Director's Cut)

A Sam Raimi horror flick?! And here we thought (in 2009) that his plan was to keep running over the lifeless body of Peter Parker till he died. Pack your bags (your scorecard, too!) and I’ll meet you in Hell.

• The retro Universal logo at beginning of the film that reminds us that this is Sam Raimi’s first horror film since “Army of Darkness.” (Do we consider that a horror film?) = +15pts 
• For wasting no time and immediately telling us that the curse is of Gypsy origin. = +5pts (Duh!) 
• Apparently getting bitch-slapped by a demon really puts you in your place if you’re Mexican and a woman. = -10pts 
• Opening credits reminiscent of Gustave Dorè’s illustrations for The Divine Comedy, adequately prepare us for our journey into Hell. = +6pts 
• Not actually taking a trip into Hell. = -12pts 
• For having a bank manager so blatantly sexist that we have to wonder why Christine wants to work for him in the first place. “We probably won’t be giving you the Assistant Manager position because you’re weak and totally passive; now go get me a sammich.” = -6pts 
• Nice try, Sam Raimi, but you’ll never convince us that Justin Long is out of any female’s league; no matter how adamant his mother is about it. = -7pts 
• Those disgusting Gypsy fingernails tell a story of their own. It looks like 70 years of theft and dirty, transient living crammed up under those things. = +8pts 
• Dirty Gypsy stealing a whole tray of candy, thereby adding more grime to her fingernail theft-cakes. = +5pts 
• Denying the Gypsy an extension to her loan shows how aggressive Christine became in such a short amount of time. = +3pts 
• This Gypsy’s handkerchief is more anthropomorphized than Aladdin’s fucking pet carpet ever was. = -10pts 
• Taking time to buckle your seatbelt while speeding and being molested by a Gypsy. (Safety first, guys.) = +7pts 
• Gypsy jaw sucking is not only terrifying, it’s apparently the national pastime of Romania. = +20pts 
• Smashing the window of the locked car door and still opening it from the outside. = -5pts 
• Is Rham Jas a psychic or an Indian gigolo? = +3pts 
• Using Freud’s Psychoanalytic theory as a viable and realistic counterpoint to the psychic’s “crazy” theories about energy. = -8pts (it would have been 8===D pts if that was possible.) 
• It’s hard to tell if the lighting is becoming darker around the psychic’s head or if his beard is growing longer and taking up more of the frame. = +10pts (For leaving it open to interpretation.) 
• Tearing up your embarrassing childhood obesity photo is not going to erase the memory. = -3pts 
• Playing the ol’ “A trip to the cabin after all of this blows over will fix our problems” card. = -7pts 
• How does a fly crawling through your nostrils not wake you up?! = -10pts 
• A raging, barking Gypsy on top of you in bed is not your father’s “doggy style.” = +4pts 
• Uncontrollable projectile bleeding. = +15pts
• Boss’s response to uncontrollable, projectile bleeding: “Stop it.”= -10pts 
• “You used to be a real fat girl, didn’t you?” Once the “Pork Queen,” always the “Pork Queen.” = +13pts 
• Jaw Sucking returns! And this time she’s leaking fluids! = +25pts 
• Questioning if the button is the cursed object when you know Goddamn well it is. = -20pts 
• Finally seeing that classic Sam Raimi, Dutch angle. = +15pts 
• Blatant iPhone product placement. = -10pts 
• Main character refusing to kill a chicken because she is an animal lover, yet she has no qualms about murdering her own cat. = -11pts 
• For having Michelle Bachman play Justin Long’s mom. = -6pts  
• “Cat? What cat? I, like, totally never have had a cat.” = -3 pts 
• For having your main character respond to not getting a job by angrily packing up her flute. “I didn’t get the job! The first thing I’m going to do is go home and angrily pack up my flute!” -1pts 
• Taking a deep, Gypsy fisting to the throat. +16pts (16 very dirty pts) 
• The deus ex machina anvil that was hanging perfectly above the Gypsy’s head was so bad, one of our Kardashian-watching girlfriends said, “Ugh, what is this, Looney Tunes?” = -25pts 
• The trombone-carrying ghost that entered the room during the séance is subtly turning this thing into a Zatarain’s commercial. = +5pts 
• We wish the possessed goat looked a little more Exorcist and a little less Simple Jack. = -23pts 
• If all the demon has to do is touch you to enter your body, why didn’t the psychic become possessed after it freaking strangled him? -15pts 
• Demon dancing a jig. = -5pts 
• Taking your possessed button (which, when given away, will condemn the new recipient’s soul to Hell) to a diner full of ordinary people instead of going to a prison and giving it to a rapist or a murderer. = -25pts 
• Honestly considering giving the cursed Hell-button to an old man breathing through an oxygen tank = -10pts 
• Thank God that guy with the oxygen tank has a wife; otherwise, he would have deserved to burn in Hell for all eternity. = -10pts 
• Having the scary handkerchief force itself down Christine’s throat, thus bringing the throat fucking count in this movie up to (insert number here) = -5pts 
• For trying to give the cursed button back to the dead Gypsy by forcing it into her mouth and saying, “Choke on it, bitch;” dispelling any shred of subtlety from the film’s persistent theme of mouth rape. = -10pts 
• For having your main character admit that she could have just given the old lady an extension on her loan, and then immediately following that with her boyfriend telling her she’s a good person. = -15pts 
• Literally being dragged into Hell and forgoing a happy ending. = +25pts

Total Score = -82pts
Available on Vudu streaming, Amazon Instant, disc format, and an 8mm film print straight from Sam Raimi’s dreams.

Although flawed, Drag Me to Hell invokes the sort of emotions that we used to experience in our youth, watching VHS horror films chockfull of corny dialogue and bright, red, deliciously corn-syruped blood. That’s also part of the problem, though, as Sam Raimi and Co. seemed to be making Drag Me to Hell into a serious, modern horror film. Sam, you should have taken a page out of the Necronomicon and given this thing the full Evil Dead treatment—we know you really wanted to, deep down. Say “hi” to Ivan for us.

Score Technician: Ryan VenHuizen

Monkey Shines

Another Flashback Friday! From George Romero, the man who single-handedly gave birth to the modern zombie film comes Monkey Shines, a terrifying exploration of...um...monkeys and physical disability. We're sure it'll end up being scarier than it sounds.

• Um, the title. We can't help it if "Monkey Shines" sound vaguely racist to us. = -73pts
• The disclaimer at the beginning of the movie that speaks to the virtues of "The Helping Hands" program, apparently a "real" monkey training program designed to help the disabled, and the assurances that no monkeys were harmed in any way during the making of this movie. Talk about buzzkill (in 1988 = -21pts) Now = +21pts.
• The naked male calisthenics scene. (Only pussies take the time to put on underwear before doing the splits rubbing their sweaty ass and balls on the living room carpet.) = +6pts
• Living in Chicago and seeing a jogger get hit by a car for running in the middle of the road within the first 2 minutes. = +43pts (Since "dream come true" has no real point value.)
• Holy shit, is that Stanley Tucci?! With muscles?! = +6pts
• For the handicap sex scene, which would have scored higher if it hadn't been accompanied by all the monkey orgasms. = -30pts
• Lamest suicide attempt ever. = -3pts
• The monkey & man slow dance scene. = +13pts
• Hiring the red stapler guy from Office Space and having him play the mean animal doctor guy. = +4pts
• The creepy mom sponge bathing son scene. = -16pts
• A grown man losing a hand-to-hand battle with a monkey the same size of the monkey from the The Hangover = +51pts
• Watching a handicapped lead "race" across the house only to lose the race to a monkey, who then somehow wrestles all 300 pounds him (chair and all) away from the ringing telephone while tying him up with the cord of the phone at the same time. (This actually happened.) = +18pts
• The bizarre monkey liking the mouth scene. Gross, and not in a good way. = -5pts
• For having a scene where a monkey pees on a man in a wheelchair. = +63pts (Almost priceless.)
• Watching the main character chew a monkey stuffed animal to death. = +22pts
• For being boring = -50pts
• For calling yourself a horror movie = -50pts

Total score = +20pts
Available: Netflix, DVD, Deep in George Romero's panic room, in a drawer labeled "Shame"

Final Note: Ugh, monkeys.... Monkeys have taken the blame for a lot of things: Ebola, AIDs, weoponized sticks. However, on this day monkeys remain blameless regarding the dull travesty that is Monkey Shines. That blame is shouldered by George A. Romero (who could not be accused of bringing his A-game to this project). Once again, the Progressive Cinema Scorecard tells you everything that you need to know, for instance that Romero is going to have to do something truly spectacular to wipe the stink of this off of him.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell